Playground Love

I let out a deep breath and place a single rose on the hard, concrete stone. I run my hand over the cold stone as I read the cursive written words that spell out Kathy Preciado across it, along with her date of birth and death. I wonder if people ever pass by her tomb, then look at the dates. 
What a shame, such a short amount of time was given to her..., they must think. 
This should have been my tomb stone. Not hers. It definitely would have been better if it was mines, that's for sure. 
I place the last roses on my mother and father's tomb stones right after and stand up, shaking off the grass from my jeans. I stare down at the stones marking the death of my loved ones and feel as the tears start to spill out of my eyes. So much has changed because and since their departure, so much. Why couldn't I be where they're at? 
I wipe away the tears with the back of my hand and right then, my phone goes off. I clear my throat before answering. "Hello?"
"Paloma? Hey.. There's something I need to tell you.", Angie speaks. 
I nod and take one last glance at the stones before walking back to the parking lot. "Go on."
"Don't get mad, please."
I stop walking to pull out the car keys from my bag, then once I find them, keep walking. "Why would I-"
"You know how last time I called you it was because of Mike's calls?"
I unlock the car and slide myself into the seat, shutting the door. "Yeah..."
"Well this time- I- I called him back."
My eyes get wide and I let out a sigh. "Why would you do that.."
"Because I think they at least deserve to know that you're okay. Do you even realize how many times they call me?!"
I roll my eyes. Here we go again. The "you need to stop being selfish and at least give them a call that you're okay" talk. She has a point, but I just can't do that. The whole reason why I left was to stop everything and anything that had to do with me. If Jaime could do it, I can. "Angie, don't start. I really don't need this right now.", I say, rubbing my temples. 
I hear her sigh. "That's not why I called you though..."
I shake my head and stick the key in the ignition. "Okay, then why did you call?"
It takes a couple of seconds for her to finally answer. "Mike wasn't the one who picked up."
My first thought: Jaime. Jaime picked up the phone and forced Angie to tell him where I'm at. Now they're all on their way. Tony. Tony must be with him. It kind of throws me off, the sound of his name in my mind. I've been trying to avoid that name at all costs. I snap myself out of these thoughts before I think of anything else. "Angie, who picked up?! Was it Jaime? Did you- did you tell him?!"
"Paloma..."
"Is he coming now?!"
"Paloma, Jaime wasn't the one to pick up. Tony was."
At that moment, the sound of his name actually being said, how it rings through my ears, freezes me. No one has said his name. No one has brought him. It's kinda like that time I called Jaime for the first time and he answered. His voice sounded foreign, just as Tony's name sounds foreign to me too now. "What...", I say barley above a whisper. 
I'm surprised she even heard me say it. "It was Tony. He picked up the phone.. I heard Mike in back, arguing with him to pass him the phone. He wouldn't- well, he didn't."
There's nothing for me to say. I want to ask her what he said. I want to ask her how his voice sounded like. I want to ask so many things. A part of me is actually really jealous that she even got to hear him talk. She got to talk to him and hear his voice and... 
"Paloma? Paloma, are you still there..."
I run my hand through my hair and let out a breath. "W-what?"
"Tony... Tony- he picked up..."
"Right.. Yeah..."
I know she wants me to ask what he said, but that's not going to happen. Of course I want to know, I'm dying to know, but I just don't think I could handle it. I already have an idea of what he might have said..
"Paloma, he's so-", right before she could say anything, there's loud noises in the background. 
"Angie?"
"Wait- who's...", her voice trails off as the noises grow louder. "Paloma- Paloma, I gotta go!"
"Wait- what's going on?!"
And then the line ends. "Angie? Angie!"
I let out a frustrated sigh and throw my phone on the seat, starting up the car. Nothing good is going to come out of this, I know it. 

~

I pound my fists against the wooden door as hard and as loud as I can. I know this is really rude, but for all I know, Paloma could be in there. And there's just a stupid, wooden door separating me from her?! Not gonna happen. "Hello?!", I yell and keep pounding. 
Finally, the door opens. I see Angie standing there and once she meets my eyes, her look goes from scared, to shocked. 
"Angie..", I say. I haven't seen her since the day Paloma and I moved out. Her mouth falls open and she simply stares at me. "Angie- Angie I-"
"Tony? What are you doing here?! How did you-"
"Never mind that! Where's Paloma?"
She looks down. "I don't know."
"Fuck.", I mumble out, frustrated. "Please! Please, don't do this! I know you know! I didn't drive over here- all the way over here for nothing! I want a fucking answer!"
She looks up at me, her expression hard now. "How did you even-"
"On a note! An old note that I found in my car- that's how I found your address. Now please, I'm begging you, where is she?!", I say desperately. I'm a grown man begging. As embarrassing as that is, I don't care. 
Angie thinks for a little, we both know she knows. 
"I know for a fact Paloma told you to not tell me or anyone- but I can't take it anymore. If she thinks that what she did would have solved everything, she's wrong! I want her back- I need her to come back to me. Please."
Angie stares at me for some time, then shakes her head. "I'm not going to tell you where she is."
I sigh. "Angie, seriously?! I-"
"Let me talk, please."
I shut up and stuff my hands in my pockets. "I'm sorry..", I mumble. 
She walks outside and shuts the door behind her. "Tony, let me just tell you something.." I take a few steps back to give her some room. She leans against the door and looks down. "She isn't going to go back. When she makes up her mind about something- that's it. She sticks to it."
She looks up at me with a concerned look. I crease my eyebrows at her and slowly shake my head. "She can't just not come back. See, Jaime and I-"
"You need to let her go for now.", she says and stares at me. 
"Do you know how many times I've heard people tell me that? Even when we were together, Mike and Vic would tell me that. It's not gonna happen- how am I- how-"
"Tony! It's what she wants! She wants you to just let her go! She knows you guys have a tour coming up, she knows how busy you all are- she just wants you to let her go. For now, let her go."
I take my hands out of my pockets and rub my face, trying to understand what the hell is going on right now. My tongue is a little numb and I'm starting to feel the whiskey again. "No, no... Look- Jaime and I- we're okay now! That's what she wanted- she wanted Jaime and I to get along and we are now! Everything is okay- she just needs to come back to me now. I'll take her with me on tour and everything will be okay, okay?!", I say and move my hands in front of me. 
Angie shakes her head at me. "She'll be happy to hear that, but she isn't going back. She wants you to move on now. Trust me, there's so many things she's told me, but the main one is that she wants you to just let go. If it were up to me, I'd take you to her. But she's not okay right now.."
"And I am?! I came here with a fuck load of whiskey in my system and I'm trying to act like a normal person right now! I'm trying to take in what you're telling me- All I ask for is Paloma! And-"
She places her hands on my shoulders and gently shakes me. My mind spins around in my head and I try focusing my eyes on her. "Tony, Tony, listen to me.", she whispers and stares at me. "Go back home. Go back home and go on tour and just let her go. She wants you to keep living your life. I'm not saying that what she wants is the right answer, but if you go to her right now and beg her to come back- it's not going to make her any better. She's figuring a lot of shit out right now, she's just trying to sort her life out and all her emotions... What I need you to do is to just give her time to do that. She'll come around. I can't promise you that she'll come around fast, but eventually she will."
I look down and swallow, stuffing my clammy hands in my pockets again. "I don't get it...", I mumble. "I could be there with her.. For her..."
She places her hand on my shoulder. "I know you can, but she doesn't want you to right now. She needs some time. A lot happened. First her family, then moving in, then dealing with Jaime, then you two, then the fights, then moving in with you.. It all happened so fast, Tony. You've done so much, so just- take a break now.", she says and takes her hand off my shoulder. 
I look up at her again and sigh. "I've fought for her so much..", I say. She nods. 
"I know, I know you have."
"But I guess this is it. If that's what she wants, then so be it. I can't force her to do anything."
I'm pretty much numb right now. I feel like I'm going to collapse on the floor and just knock out. There's too many emotions in me and I just can't handle it anymore. I'm really angry that Paloma would want me to just let go of her, she knows better than that. She knows how much she means to me, she knows how much I've done for her, yet she still has the nerve to expect me to let go? After everything we've been through? It makes no sense. But I can't do anything about it. Especially with how I am right now. 
I clutch my keys in my hands and nod.  "Thanks anyways. Tell her I miss her.", I say and stare at Angie. She nods once. "Tell her I- I love her.", I say and look down. "Yeah... Tell her I always will.", I mumble and start to walk away. 
"Tony-", she says and grabs my arm. "I can't have you drive back home like this. Let me call Mike so he could pick you up."
I don't argue with her. I don't know how I'd be able to drive anyways, so I nod. She lets me into her home where I sit down on her couch and wait for Mike to come and pick me up. I'm silent through it all. Angie hands me cups of water, which I chug down, hoping that it'll make me feel better. 
"It'll be a while until Mike and them get here, you should rest for a bit.", she says. 
I nod and shut my eyes. The most amazing feeling I've had in a while is shutting them and resting my head down on the couch. I think about Paloma of course. I think about how it'll be like trying to let her go. I chuckle lightly to myself. That's stupid. That whole thought- trying to let her go- is stupid. Memories of us first being together, our first kiss, our first night, our talks, our jokes, they all fill up my mind. They make happy, yet sad. I miss all of that so much. Even though so many fucked up things happened between all of those amazing times, I'd live it all again. I'd go through every single thing, every single struggle, again. She was the one to keep me on my feet. When everything else around me was automatic and the same, she changed it. She snapped me out of the same cycle and made me feel alive again. I've never loved or cared or wanted a person so badly in my life before. 

She wants me to let go- fine. I'll let go. I'll let go of her, I'll go on tour and have a blast with my friends. I'll let go of her and go up on that stage and perform those songs to those amazing fans that deserve an amazing show regardless of what's going on in my personal life. I'll let go of her and be happy. Because in the end, it's everything she wants. I'll give her anything she wants. And she wants this, so I'll give it to her. Even when I'm not in her life, I'm giving her what she wants.
And that's enough to satisfy me, for now at least. 

"Tone- Tone... Wake up, man.", I hear. I feel someone softly nudge me and my eyes slowly open. I'm laying on my stomach so I flip myself over and look up at who's talking to me. 
I see Jaime grinning at me. "You alright?", he asks and offers his hand. 
I sigh and give him a smile, then grab his hand. "Yeah. I'm alright.", I say and pull myself up. I stand up and he pats my back. 
"Cool. Now come on, it's time to go back home."
Before I walk out the house, I give Angie a long hug, thanking her for everything. I see Vic in my car and Mike gets out of his, heading to Angie. I get in the back of his car and watch him as he gives Angie a long hug. They pull away from each other and he slyly kisses her cheek before walking back. I look down and play with my fingers. 
He gets in, Jaime sitting in the passenger seat, and starts it up. 
"Alright! How you feeling Tony?", he asks, pulling out of the driveway. 
I clear my throat. "Much better."
He nods. "Good. Good."
I remember the small feud we had earlier in the studio, feeling horrible about yelling at him. "Hey Mike, I'm really sorry about-"
"Don't even say it. I'll beat you up for it later."
We laugh it off and I lay my head against the window and rest my eyes again. 
Maybe it won't be so bad letting go. 

~

When I get home, I stay in my car for a good amount of time. I called Angie about thirteen times and still no answer. What the hell is happening over there? I give her one last call and again, she doesn't pick up. I make up my mind and decide to drive to her house. She's getting me worried. 
Once I get there, I walk to her front door and knock on it. Some seconds later, she opens it and is shocked to see me. 
"Paloma?"
"What the hell, man? What happened? I've been calling you so many times after you hung up. Is everything okay?"
She looks down and moves aside. "Come in."
I give her a confused look, but step inside the house. "Where's your mom? Is she okay?"
She shuts the door and leans against the couch. "At work. Yeah, she's okay."
I nod. "Alright... Well what happened?"
She sighs. "Tony was here."
My heart drops. "What?", I spit out. 
"He left like, thirty minutes ago."
The adrenaline shoots through me as I realize that he was here not so long ago. Tony.
Tony. Was. Here.
"Wh-what? He- he was here?", I ask in disbelief. 
She nods and sighs. "Yep. He was pretty... drunk.."
"Oh my god.. And he was alone?!"
She nods. "Yeah.."
"How did he- why-", my mind tries to pull a sentence together. He drove all the way to Angie's. Drunk. And alone. "He's crazy!", I finally yell out. 
"Calm down, calm down... He's not crazy. He's just- he's desperate. It was all for you."
"Fuck.", I murmur. "Even when I'm not in his life, I fuck him up. Do you know how dangerous that is?! How long of a drive it is from SD to here?! And drunk too! What the fuck!"
"Paloma- I need you to calm down. He took a quick nap here and I called Mike to pick him up. They all came down and now they're on the road home. It's okay, he's okay now."
I start to relax a little at that. At least he's okay. 
"There's a lot of things I told him."
I look up and make eye contact with her. "Like what?", I force myself to ask. 
"Well, what you told me. Everything you wanted to get through- I told him."
I look down. I told Angie a lot of things about how I felt. I told her what I wanted to tell him, but couldn't. "What did he say...", I mumble. 
"Well, he wasn't easy to calm down but... He accepted it. He didn't really say much after that.. Just that if you want him to let you go, then he will. Because you want that."
My eyes start to get watery, I have nothing to say. 
"He said that Jaime and him are okay now. They're all good... If that changes anything."
I wipe away the tears that start to drip down with my hand and shake my head. "That's what I wanted- see... Everything-", I take in a deep breath. "Everything is settling itself now that I'm gone.", I breathe out. "Everything is okay now."
Angie walks up to me and grabs my hand. "Paloma, you could go back you know.. You can go back and be happy with Tony, you don't need to-"
"No-", I say and back away from her. "He's going to let me go and be happy without me. He's going to find someone else and- he's going to be happy!"
"But what about you? You're miserable, Paloma! Just look at yourself! Why make is hard? Go back and be happy with each other! Don't make this difficult- Tony wants you back. He misses you so much! I know you need time- but why have that time and be miserable? You could end this.."
"It's too late now. I'm not going back. He'll be okay. I'll be okay. Him and Jaime are good again and they're going on tour now. I'm going to be okay, I'm going to move on with my life and just go on.", I say confidently. 
"And then what?", Angie whispers. "Just forget about everything that happened? Forget about Jaime and Mike and Vic? Forget about everything that happened with Tony? I know how much he means to you."
I stare at the floor, the nod. "Life goes on and so will they. So will I. He's okay now so I'll be okay.", I say and start to walk to the door. 
Angie follows me and I could hear her sigh. "He told me to tell you that he loves you.. and that he misses you."
I don't turn to her, I keep my eyes planted on the ground. 
"If only you saw the look in his eyes.", she says. 
"I'll call you tomorrow.", I say and walk away. 
I get in my car without another look back and drive home. 

When I get back home, Ruth and my Tia greet me. I only tell them about me going to the graveyard. Nothing else. I head straight for the bedroom and flop myself down on the welcoming covers. 
This is it I guess.
At least him and Jaime are okay now. That burden isn't with me any longer. He's letting me go now and that's what I wanted. I clench the covers in my fist and try to push away the pain of how much that hurts. 
It won't be easy, but it's not impossible. It's over now. This was all just a phase that I went through in my weird, messed up life. Now it's time to really get back on my feet and move on. 
I shut my eyes and allow myself to actually think about him now. I can't help but think about him finding another girl. He'll be happy at least and that lucky girl won't cause any problems like I did. She'll be great. She'll be everything he needs and more. She'll keep him stable and she'll know everything little thing about and she'll make him happy. 
And I'll be here.. I'll just be here... 
The pillow absorbs the tears sliding down my cheeks. 
Life moves on and so will I.