Playground Love

Dear diary,
I'm writing in your stupid pages because my cousin Ruth thinks that it'll help me express my feelings a bit more and help me sort shit out in my head. Since, according to her and my aunt, I'm an emotionless robot now. I might be, but they have no clue what's going on inside of me. Only God knows and frankly, I feel bad for him. If the death of my parents and sister led me into alcohol, pot, and a close-to-impossible relationship with a 26 year old man, then what acts shall I do now since that relationship which made me somewhat stable is over? He was really the only one to keep me on my feet now that I think about it.
I stare at the page and the words I just wrote down, a little pain coming up in my chest again. Where is this coming from? I haven't felt any of these emotions in a long while. Maybe Ruth was right, writing really does pull out all those emotions. I clench the pen in my hand and for a second, I want to scribble all over those words and stab holes through the pages of this godforsaken diary. But instead, I keep writing. Let's see where this takes me. 
The updates I get from my brother from day to day help me now. He stopped begging for me to come back, he knows I won't. Because I can't. The damage has been done. Well, he loves you, you love him, what's so hard? Ha, he knows nothing. I'm so fucked up that I don't even know how I deal with myself on a daily basis now. Maybe I'm making things hard but I can't face Tony now. It's too late. He definitely moved on. He finally realized that a teen age girl with problems up to her chest isn't worth his time. At least I hope he did. No, no, pretty sure he did. Half of me is relieved, the other half is dead because of that. I wonder when the dead part will fully take me over. Soon, I hope. 
My brother and his band are off on tour, having the time of their lives. As long as their happy. Hey, maybe I could even catch one of their shows and watch my brother do what he does best up on that stage from the back. And give a little attention to Tony too.. It'd be weird watching all of them. I haven't seen them in so long..
Well now I'm just writing shit down for the hell of it. Maybe tomorrow I'll have another shitty break-through. If that's even what you call them. I don't even make sense anymore. What am I? Why does any of this still matter? It doesn't. I don't even know what to think. Why am I still so hung up over it all? Where do I sort out all of these thoughts and emotions? Fuck.
Whatever.
I let out a frustrated sigh and shut the notebook, throwing it to the floor along with the pen. 
I lay down on my bed and stare up at the ceiling. Again, my thoughts take over and with every second I lay here, I'm getting more and more consumed by them. There's so much going on inside of me. I don't know how to deal with this. I can't even explain it. I feel myself sink into the bed, all the way to the floor, and into the Earth. 
"Paloma?"
I sit up quickly and take in a breath of air. "Y-yeah?", I stutter, moving the hair out of my eyes. 
Ruth gives me a concerned look and walks in the room, shutting the door behind her. "We're leaving to the mall soon. Wanna come?"
Of course my mind answers no immediately. I look down and sigh, playing with my fingers. "You guys go ahead. I think I should-"
"No, you can't stay here alone. I know what it does to you."
I look up at her and she sits down on the edge of the bed, facing me. "Come with us. Take your mind off of everything.", she says with a small smile. 
I give her a grin, she deserves at least that. "I really don't want to bum you guys out. You understand."
She sighs. "I'm not going to let you beat yourself over all of this. It's been a while now, come on. Let's go have fun. Like you said, life goes on. If you don't move on now, you never will. It's the only way."
She's right. I've been saying to myself and everyone around me to just let it all go and move on. But am I taking my own advice? No, I'm not. Instead I'm sulking. Everyday. When I'm at work I sulk, when I'm at home I sulk, and even when I'm trying to have a good time, I end up sulking. 
My brother is happy now. He has his lovely girlfriend and he's on tour, being happy. He thinks I'm happy too. 
Mike and Vic, they're happy, just like they deserve to be. 
Tony... Even though I know nothing about him now, I know he's happy. He has to be. Touring and music is his happiness. He's moved on... And I can't let that hurt me anymore. It was my choice anyways.. 
They're happy, so now I could be happy. 
Or at least try to be.
"Come on, Paloma..", Ruth says and reaches for my hand. "Let's go shopping and have a good time."
She tugs on my hand and I finally give in. "Alright. Let's go.", I say and get up off the bed. 

My aunt and cousin sing a long to a random pop song on the radio as I rest my head on the window. I shut my eyes and feel as my head bobbles up and down because of the bumpy road we're driving on. I wish to just sleep. I wish for this car to never stop moving. To just take me somewhere far away and never bring me back. 
Of course, that doesn't happen and minutes later, the car comes to a stop and I open my eyes. 
"We're here!", Ruth says, turning to me. I smile and unbuckle my seat belt. 
I walk alongside my aunt as we enter in the mall full of random people. 
"What I'm really looking for is a dress. Something not too short.. But something that isn't too long either..", Ruth says. 
"I'm sure you'll find something.", my aunt says. 
This is going to take a while. 
"You okay, Mija?", my aunt asks me, rubbing my back. 
I look up at her and smile. "Yeah. I'm fine."
She smiles back and nods. "You'll do fine. Let's find you something pretty."
I'll do fine. 
That's almost as funny as when people tell me things will get better. 

~

I'm laying down on my bunk, staring up at my phone in my hands. Staring at my background of course, a picture of her. I know Jaime still talks to her in secret. I don't ask him about it though. She's his sister, they can't lose contact with each other. I wouldn't want them to. I can't ask him about her, I can't bring her up, I just can't bring myself to do it. It's all apart of letting go I guess. By the looks of it, she seems to be doing good. If she wasn't, I'd be able to tell it on Jaime's face. When she's okay, he's okay. Which means I should be okay too. Right? 
I slide my finger across the screen, unlocking my phone, and go to pictures. I go the that certain picture of Paloma and I, which is my back ground, and touch the small trash bin on the bottom corner. The little option if I want to delete this picture or cancel it pops up and I'm left staring at this for a good amount of time. I don't want to delete this perfect picture of this perfect girl I once got to call mine. I don't want to let go of her. I don't want to let go of all those precious moments I had with her that I won't want to have with anyone else. How do you even let go of someone who still has your fucking heart in their hands? 
"Tony?", I hear. I set my phone down and open up the curtain to my bunk. 
"Yeah?"
Mike appears and smiles at me. "We're making a quick stop at this sushi place we found. You down to grub?"
Sushi. I'm not really a fan of sushi anymore...
I sit up on my elbows and nod. "Yeah. I'll be right out."
He nods. "Alright man."
He walks away and I lay back down on the bunk, grabbing my phone. 
I sigh and press cancel. Not now, I can't do it now. 

"First show of the tour! How you feel, how you feel?!", Jaime yells out and pats my back. 
I put in a lot of thought for this question. How do I feel? It's the first show of this tour... And how do I feel about it? I smile at Jaime and nod. "I'm feeling pretty good." That could have been a lie, but I'm not even sure if it is or isn't. Am I okay? I don't even know anymore. 
He smiles at me. "That's great, man. This is going to be a hell of a tour. A hell of a show! Let it all out up on that stage."
"I plan to.", I say in agreement. 
He nods and pats my arm one last time before walking off to Mike and Casey. Vic walks past me, giving me a pat on my back. 
"Looking good, tone-tone. Ready to take over that stage!", he says, also heading towards the gang over there. I chuckle and nod. 
I can already hear the crowd from where I'm at. It's pumping me up and making me actually feel something. Right then, something random pops into my head. The words I told myself that day I was at Angie's house. 
I'll let go of her and go up on that stage and perform those songs to those amazing fans that deserve an amazing show regardless of what's going on in my personal life. I'll let go of her and be happy.
Because in the end, it's everything she wants.
Am I really doing this? Am I really, actually letting her go now? Even if she does want this, would I be able to give it to her? I've given her my love, my support, my attention, everything! I gave her everything. And I still would. I'd give her the whole fucking world if I could.. 
"I'm not worth it.", her words float around in my head. 
I shake my head and let out a low chuckle. 
Baby girl, to me, you're worth the whole fucking world. 

I take a seat on the grass and pull out my phone and stare at the picture. Her olive eyes which once held my reflection, her black curls that I once got to run my fingers through, her lips that I got to kiss and touch multiple times before, and her smile that made everything... worth it. 
I love her so much. I love her so fucking much. 
"Tony! It's almost time! The fuck are you doing sitting down?!", Casey yells, pulling me out of my blissful thoughts. I wave my hand at him. 
"I'll be there- chill!", I yell back. 
He rolls his eyes and focuses his attention back to Mike. 
Again, I go to where the photo is and press the little trash bin. I've deleted the rest of the pictures, why is it so hard to delete this one? It's just us eating sushi. The first time she actually tried it. 

"Paloma, just try it. I swear, I wouldn't feed you anything bad!", I say and push the plate of sushi towards her. 
She makes a face at it and then looks up at me. "Tony, seriously, I don't want to.."
I sigh and grab a roll, then pop it in my mouth. "Mm. Delicious.", I mumble as I chew. "Your turn, babes. Eat it. You'll never know unless you try it!"
She grimaces and finally grabs one. She sniffs it and I let out a chuckle. 
Right as she's about to place it inside her mouth, I stop her. "Wait!", I say. 
She stops and turns to me. "What?"
I quickly pull out my phone. "This is picture worthy. Wait till I show Alan this."
"Tony!", she says and nudges me. "Jerk."
I laugh and kiss her cheek. "Smile."
I take the funny photo and it saves automatically. "Now eat it."
She shuts her eyes and stuffs it in her mouth, then slowly chews it. Her eyes open and she stares at me while she chews. She swallows and let's out a breath. 
"So..?", I ask and rub her arm. 
She smirks at me and grabs another roll. "I hate you.", she says before popping it into her mouth. I laugh and watch as she eats the rest of the sushi. 
Once she's done, she pats her stomach and groans. "Another, what, fifty pounds gained?"
I shake my head and pull her chin up to me and kiss her. "Even with fifty pounds gained onto you, you'd still be gorgeous." 
"You're silly." She stands up and stretches. "I can't walk. You're gonna have to carry me."

"Tony! Okay! I wasn't serious! People are staring!", she yells out and hits my back as I run to my car. Once I get to it, I safely place her down to her feet. 
I laugh and kiss her cheek. "Let them stare. My girl ate sushi for the first time and loved! I've hit the jack pot!" 
She laughs and flips her black curls away from her face, then looks down. She licks her bottom lip and plays around with her fingers. "Life just gets better and better for you, now doesn't it?", she says and looks up at me with a beautiful smile. 
I still can't get over how lovely this girl is. And she's mine now too. "I have you, I don't think it could actually get any better than that.", I say and pull her to me. She wraps her arms around my neck and kisses the side of my lip. 
"I love you."
We pull away from each other and before she says anything else, I press my lips against hers. They fit so nicely onto mine. "I love you so much, Paloma.", I say back.

"Dude- now!"
I look up and see Casey pointing at me and motioning me to stand up on the steps. I nod and stand up, walking to them. The memory still fresh in me. I don't want to let go of those memories, they're all I have left. 
The Spanish music starts up and now it's seconds before I run up on that stage. 
"Phones!", Jonny yells out. Vic, Jaime, and Mike give him their phones and he stops next to me. "Tone-"
I nod and quickly hit the 'delete' button on the picture option without thinking twice about it. 
"Here.", I say and hand it to him. 
"Go, go, go!", a person yells out and motions Mike to run out. Vic runs behind him soon after and now it's Jaime and I. 
"Let's do this!", Jaime yells and runs out. 
I take in a deep breath. I'm ready for this. I'm ready to let go. I'm ready to try and live without Paloma. I'll give her what she wants for now... I'll let her go. 
All because she wants me to. 

~

"So. Much. Walking.", Ruth exclaims and flops on her bed. 
I laugh and drop all the shopping bags on the floor, mimicking Ruth's actions and flopping down on my bed. "Tell me about it."
"When's the last time you shopped this much? I'm guessing never!"
I chuckle and lay on my side now. "Actually..", I start to say. I start to remember the times I went shopping with Vanessa. I specifically remember the day when we found that dress I would soon wear to my surprise birthday bash. I remember the look on Tony's face when he first saw me in it that night. How he held me in his arms when we danced... How his breath felt on my neck when he spoke to me, and how his hands felt on my hips when he would pull me closer to him..
"Actually what?"
I look up at Ruth. She stares at me, waiting for an answer. I clear my throat and shake my head. "Nothing. I've never been shopping like this before.", I shrug. 
Ruth laughs and sits up. "Neither have I! Well, I'm heading to the shower to get ready for bed."
I nod and she walks out the room.
I lay on my back again, staring at the ceiling. 
I don't feel as sad anymore when I remember those types of things.
I think back on all the moments we had together, all those talks we would have late at night, the times we got intimate, the times we got emotional.. The times where we would just lay in bed without saying one word to each other and still feel something going on between us. 
I know for a fact that Tony is the best I've ever had. I want him to be the best I've ever had. He's literally all I wanted in someone and more. How am I supposed to let go of him? How do I get over the fact that those late night talks, those sweet words said by him, those intimate moments... will never happen again? They might- but not with Tony. 
And that hurts. That hurts so much... 
I pull the blankets over me, not wanting to put my pajamas on, and lay my head back down on my pillow. 
I shut my eyes and let my mind think and remember all those times with Tony that I miss so much. He made me feel like... Like I was worth something. As I start to fade away into sleep, a certain memory comes to me. 

"I can't! I'm not going to pass this final. This stupid fucking final! I hate it! I hate school!", I yell and throw my math book on the floor. I put my head in my hands and feel the tears start to come out from the corner of my eyes. 
I feel Tony's hand on my back. "Paloma... Don't stress about this too much. You're going to pass it. You're a smart girl."
I scoff and look up at him. "Don't even start. Please."
He stares at me for a long second before sighing. "Fine. Go ahead and fucking think that you're stupid. Go ahead and think that you're not going to pass this final. Go ahead!"
I press my lips together and look away from him. 
"Where is that going to take you?", he says. 
"This isn't helping.", I mumble. 
"Paloma-", he says and laughs. He pulls me on his lap and pulls my chin up to face him. "If I tell you you're smart and that you're going to pass- then baby, believe me! You're going to motherfucking pass this!" 
I let out a small laugh.
"I wouldn't tell you a lie. I've seen you study all day and night for the past week. You're breaking your pretty little head over this. You got this, bootynugget!", he says and taps on my forehead with his index finger. "Don't you believe me?"
I sigh and nod. "I believe you."
He smiles and pecks my lips. "You're smart. You're dedicated to school. You're going to become what I didn't become in life."
"Don't go bringing yourself down. You're ment to be the fantastic guitar playing Tony. I'm glad that you are. I'm glad you're Tony!"
He chuckles and kisses my nose. "And I'm pretty glad you're Paloma. My Paloma at that.."
I grin at him, feeling butterflies blossom in my stomach. I wrap my arms around his neck and softly kiss his lips. "I am. I am.", I quietly say. The kiss deepens and he and lays me down on the bed. 
"You're beautiful...", he murmurs as he kisses my neck. "You're funny... you're my world...", he says even quieter now, kissing my chest. "And you're all mine...", are his last words as I feel his hand reach up my shirt.

I wipe away the tears that cover my cheek and pull the blankets all the way up to my chest, my eyes still shut. 
I'm still all his, I'll always be his. Even if he isn't mine anymore. 
But who am I to blame.. But myself? 
As I'm about ready to actually fall asleep, my phone vibrates. I sigh and grab my phone, which was still in my jean pocket, and take a look at who messaged me. 
I smile when I see Jaime's name. 
Just got done playing our first show! It was amazing! I already know this is going to be a great tour! Just wanted to text you and say I love you and that we'll be in SD soon to play a show there! I'd really like you to go.. Anyways, have a nice night, P. All the guys say hi. And I mean.. ALL THE GUYS. Love yah!
My smile grows bigger at how happy this text by him looks. I set my phone down on the small desk next to the bed and lay down again. 
See, he's happy. I'm pretty sure Tony is too. All they needed was this tour to take their minds off of everything that happened. Yeah, nothing will be the same again after everything, but I wouldn't change those times I had with Tony and the boys for the world. 
Life brought Tony and I together in a weird, cruel way. It brought happiness, lots of happiness, but it also brought sadness and struggles. What love doesn't bring that though? 
I'm not letting the good memories go, I'm not letting the bad ones go either, I'm just letting him go. The person who brought them. 
Who knows, maybe one day I'll see him again. Maybe one day I'll even get to say sorry for everything I caused him to go through. But for now, I'll let life take me wherever else it wants to take me. 
And as I finally enter sleep, my dreams consist of my brother, my mother, father, sister, and a nicely dressed Tony extending his hand out to my reach, telling me, "You'll always be my little dove."