Playground Love

“Are you awake yet?”
I groan.
“Paloma? Wake up!”
I flip over on my stomach and groan again.
“Okay. Fine.”
The blankets get yanked off of me and I get flipped over.
My eyes open and I see Jaime staring at me. “What's your problem?!”
He opens the window and lets the light shine in. I squint my eyes from all the brightness.
“My problem is that you've been asleep for hours!”
“Well what time is it?”, I say sitting up.
“It's two.”
I rub my eyes and stretch. “You're kidding.”
“Nope.”
He throws a shirt at me and I realize that I'm in my bra. I grab the shirt and hurriedly put it on, embarrassed. “You could have said something before yanking the covers off of me.”, I murmur.
“Calm down. I'm your brother. You look horrible by the way.”
I glare at him. “Thanks.”
“I don't want to get on your bad side.. I'm just saying. Look, get in the shower and get ready. Some friends are coming over to hang.”
“Friends?”
“By the way- how was it like staying here?
I stare at him for a long while.
Oh my god...
Flash backs of what happened last night come into my mind. I feel like throwing up now..
“It was- o- okay..”, I stutter out.
He nods. “That's good. Alright- hurry up. They all want to meet you!”
He starts to walk out the door, then turns around and looks at me. “I hope you're in a good mood. With me.”, he mumbles.
I sigh. “Just don't pretend that you're the best brother in the world.”
He looks down, frowning, then leaves.
I let out a sigh. Do I really have to be a big bitch to him? Can't I just forget about the past? Move on? All in a matter of time, yah..
But what happened last night.. I can't believe myself! What the fuck?! I'm disgusted. But I have to push it away. There are people coming- I need to act normal.

Feeling refreshed and clean, I finally head out to the living room to meet Jaime's friends.
Keep in mind that I've never met any of Jaime's friends. I barley met his band mates. I vaguely remember, when I was about eight, Jaime coming home after his night out, packing up his things. My dad was furious, yelling at him. My mom crying in the kitchen. My little sister just an infant. Me, watching from a corner. I remember not wanting him to leave. He hadn't been home much anyways but at that time I still loved him. Even though I hardly saw him. Even though he barley paid any attention to me. I wanted him here.
He went to my mom, kissed her. He avoided my dad. Came to my infant sister, kissed her. Then came up to me, huddled in the corner
I remember his exact words. He was young, his hair curly and short. He put his hand on my cheek.
“Hey, Paloma.”
“Jaime?”
“Don't you worry. I'll be back alright? I promise. I'll call you everyday. Promise.”
“Okay.. Okay.”
“I love you, Paloma. Don't forget that. I love you.”
I nod and my eyes start to fill with tears.
“Don't cry. It's okay.”, he whispers. He kisses my forehead for a good minute. Then leaves. I watch him walk out the door, it slams shut. I run to the window and watch him get in his car and drive off.
He never called. He did show up for my 12th birthday though. Kathy was about two years old she didn't even know who he was. Then after that day- I never saw him until the day I got that call from the police. What gets me mad the most- is that Kathy didn't even get to know her brother. When she was five, she understood that she had a brother and she also understood that she wouldn't see him much. Kathy deserved a big brother in her life. I don't care about me, I could deal. But Kathy? Now she's gone. Not even getting a chance to live.

I shake off the memories and and anger as I see a cluster of people in the living room and kitchen. My eyes search for a familiar face, but no luck. Then I try looking for Tony. I haven't seen him in three days. There's a lot of people with tattoos and piercings and big, stretched ears. Guess these are Jaime's friends. Everyone has either a red cup in their hands or a bottle of whatever alcohol, tequila, or whiskey.
I straighten my black top and head into the chatting crowd with a clear mind. No one notices me,they all keep talking and laughing. I take a seat on the couch next to some guys playing video games and drinking.
“Fuck you man!”, one of them yells.
“Not my fault that you suck dick at this game!!”, the other says. They laugh then chug down their drinks.
I get squished and decide to look for some place else to sit. I shove past all the people and enter the kitchen. I still don't see anyone I know. I sigh and decide to make myself a drink. The first thing I see is some Jack. I pour it into a cup then add some coke. I take a long sip of it then lean against the counter staring at the people. They all seem to look alike. Tattoos, piercings, etc. Their clothes are pretty cool though. I'm over here- plain Jane. Some black skinnies, a black top with lace, and some flats. Although I decided to do something a little different and put my hair up. My curls falling on the side of my head. “Paloma!”, I hear someone call out. They say it with the accent too.
I look up and see Mike wave me over. I smile and walk towards him. :Where you been girl?!”, he yelps and puts his arm around me. He's drunk.
I chuckle and sip my drink.
He leads me into the dining room and now I see familiar faces. Tony is sitting across the table. His arms around some blonde chick... They're laughing together and she kisses his cheek. I can't seem to stop staring at them.
“Paloma!”, Jaime yells. I snap my head to him. “Take a seat- I want you to meet some people!”
I walk to him and sit down next to him. I look over to Tony. He's looking at me now, his eyes wide and a slight smile on his lips. His girlfriend is searching through her purse. Jaime shakes me and I look away from Tony.
“Paloma, this is Jaxin! Jaxin, my lovely sister Paloma.”
“Ey! Nice to meet yah! Wow, she is very lovely!”, he says and gives me a one-armed hug.
I smile. “Hi- nice to meet you too. Thank you.”
“This is my fiancee, Natalie. Natalie, honey!”
Natalie is sitting next to blondie. She stands up and walks to me. “Hi! It's finally nice to meet you.”, she says and shakes my hand. They ask me some questions. I answer them automatically. Now and again, I glance at Tony. He gives me some looks, but always focuses back on the chick next to him. Who is she??
Wait- then it hits me. Tony has a girlfriend. Fuck. This is her. This is his girlfriend.
Jaime introduces me to many of his other pals. After all that's done, I chug down my third drink and walk to Tony. He looks up and smiles at me. Now, I don't know if its just the alcohol, but damn do I want to press my lips against his.
“Tony, hey!”, I say.
“Paloma! Hey- Stephanie-”, he turns to blondie. She turns to me then looks at Tony. “Stephanie this is Paloma. Jaime's sister.”
She looks back to me and smiles. “Oh hey! It's so nice to meet-”, she stops and stares into my eyes. Oh my god. What if she knows I want to kiss her boyfriend. “Wow! Your eyes... They're so gorgeous!”
I sigh and smile. “Thank you- thank you really.”
“She's so pretty!”, she says to Natalie. They nod and look up to me. I feel my cheeks get hot. Tony chuckles and stands up. “Baby, where you going?”, Stephanie asks.
“I'm gonna hang with Paloma. I haven't talked to her for days.”
She nods and smiles then returns to her conversation with Natalie.
“Hey.”, Tony says and smiles.
“Hey..”, I say and smile. He chuckles.
“Come on- let's go somewhere else.”
My heart speeds up. “Okay.”, I whisper. We walk into the living room and then out the door.
“I need some quiet.”, he says as we walk to the condo. I'm shocked we're going outside this far. We sit on the lawn chairs on the front porch of the condo. And now I'm starting to think that Tony may be a bit drunk.
“So- how have YOU been?”, he says sipping his drink.
I shrug. “I've been okay..”
“Good. How was it like staying here?”
Oh fuck. I take in a deep breath. “It was- fine.” I let it out. “I- I met someone.”
He looks at me. “Oh really?”
I nod. “Yep.”
“Who?”
“His... His name is Matt.”
“Matt...Matt..”, he says thinking, “I think Jaime hates that kid.”
“Why?”
I think about all the things we've done. And its barley been two days of knowing each other. I feel disgusted again.
“He says he's nothing but trouble.”, he shrugs and takes another sip of his drink.
I look down and think about everything. Why did I do those things... Ugh!!!!
“Tony. I did something really bad.”, I say looking down.
“What is it?”
“I- I...”, I sigh.
He scoots his chair closer to me and lays his hand on my lap. “Talk to me, Paloma.”
I look up, his eyes staring into mine. “I don't know why I did it.. Maybe as an escape.. I don't know..”, I whisper.
“Paloma- what happened?”, he asks urgently.
“I- I- I don't know- I'm so-”, I start to cry.
Tony grabs my hands. “Paloma? Paloma!”
I don't know what comes over me. I swear, it has to be the drinks. But maybe that's just an excuse.

I look up and I pull him to me. I smash my lips to his. I put my hand on the back of his head. At first he's stiff. Then- surprisingly- he relaxes and kisses back. My heart speeds up as I feel him wrap his arm around my waist. He tugs me closer and starts to kiss me hard. I feel his tongue slide in my mouth and I let mine into his. This is way better than pot. This is way better than alcohol. This is way, way, better than Matt. All my affliction is gone. We slowly pull away from each other. Our faces inches apart. He stares in my eyes. I lean my forehead against his and try catching up with my breath. He kisses me softly one last time.
The daze starts to fade. I realize what just happened. It's sinking in.
“I'm sorry...”, I whisper and pull away from him. “Oh my- I'm so sorry.”
I get up and start to walk away.
“Paloma! Paloma- wait!”, I hear him yell. I run back into the house. The loud people, the music, the smell of cigarettes and beer.
I lock myself into my room and sit on my bed.
I can't stop shaking. What has gotten into me?! Am I fucking going crazy?! What the fuck?!
Oh god- oh god- I feel like throwing up. I can't take this. I can't- oh god.
Did I actually kiss Tony?! Did I actually invite a stranger into Jaime's home and get drunk and high with him?! Did I actually let that guy do sexual things to me?!
I start to sob into my hands. I let a guy I knew for two days do that me?!?!
The bile starts to come up my throat. I jump off my bed and grab my little trash can, then throw it all up.
I cough and my back arches as I vomit. Once I'm done, I fall back against the wall and wipe my mouth with the back of my hand.
I want more than anything to die.
Why did my Kathy, my small, little Kathy die? Why couldn't I be the one in that car getting crushed? Why couldn't I die?!?
I start to cry again. Hard.
I cant sleep. For hours I'm laying against my closet wall, crying. I can't live this life anymore.
I don't want to.
I don't.
Want to.