Escaping the Inevitable

After we ate, I went upstairs to finish my work. All throughout dinner, I had got my full of thinking about my parents. I thought about what was possibly going through their heads. What was my dad thinking? What about mom, was she still upset about having to raise her husband's love child?

There were so many things I wish I could ask her. I knew that if I opened my big mouth that she would probably feel hurt. She could really divorce my dad, and I didn't know if I wanted it or not.

I was happy it wasn't on my mind as I worked. I got through most of algebra before there was a knock on my door. I leaned back in my seat as the door opened, my mom smiled as she walked in, "Hey, how's the hand?"

"It's okay." I told her, waving my hand to her.

"I brought you some pain killers," She came over and handed the Advil bottle to me, "What made you do that?" She pointed to the small hole in the wall.

"I was upset about the game today." I lied again; I popped open the bottle easily.

"Mrs. Sands said the coach praised you for outing a lot of the older boys." She recalled softly, "You striked most of them out."

I popped a pill and swallowed it dry. I grimaced at the way it felt in my throat. I couldn't answer my mom.

"So, Joey, tell me the truth." My mom sat in the extra computer chair.

"I can't." I said dumbly, "I want to, but I can't. It's... It's a lot to say."

She sighed, "What did Butcher say?"

My brows shot up, "What? He didn't say anything." Again, I lied.

"Babe, it's okay to tell me. I trust Butcher, I know he told you something. I saw how he was looking at you, and you at him."

"We just talked about how I was feeling mom." It wasn't a total lie.

"Joseph, don't lie to me," She spoke sternly, "I won't tell anyone you told me, I swear." Her lips turned up.

I knew as soon as I did tell her that her smile would disappear. I had a feeling she wouldn't smile for a long time. 

"Mom, I love you." I said as tears swelled up.

Her lips turned down and she pulled me into her arms. I relished in the feeling of being protected. Her arms around me made me feel better, made all the horrible fears go away for a minute.

As I sobbed, she pulled me into her lap, even though I was probably heavier than her. She held me in her arms and cooed to me, "It's okay, Joey. It's alright, son, you don't have to cry. I love you, too, baby."

I couldn't stop myself, it was like turning in a faucet. I let all my emotions out against my mom's chest. It felt good, as bad as I was sobbing, it was great to unleash my sadness.

It took me a few minutes to compose myself, and wipe my eyes. My mom grabbed some tissues from her pocket, how she got them, I don't know, I accepted them. I blew my nose, and tossed them, then I climbed off my mom's lap.

She still combed my hair back with her chipped pink nail polish that she was notorious for, aside from the hair colors, "Are you ready to tell me?"

I shook my head, "I don't want to hurt you, mom." I replied.

"Babe," She smiled softly, "There is nothing you can do or say to hurt me. All I want to do is help you stop stressing and to relax."

I kept my mouth closed. I couldn't even make myself form the words. It was hard to think that I would tell her that I knew about Dani.

"Mom, how can you do it?" I asked this instead, "Dad's done a lot of stuff that I can't even believe."

Her eyes flashed to sorrow, and she looked down. I instantly felt like an idiot, then I couldn't even force myself to apologize.

"Butcher told you about Dani, didn't he?" She looked at me, tears pooling.

I could only nod my head.

My mom exhaled almost painfully. She rubbed the tears away, "Look, Joe, things were..." She trailed as she looked at me, "When that happened, I wasn't feeling how I am now. I was head over heels in love with your dad and at first I was so broken hearted because..." 

My mom broke her sentence there, her eyes filling with more tears. I stomach ached, my mouth kept closed.

"Joey, please don't feel any hate towards your dad or Dani, okay?" She said suddenly.

"I love Danzi, mom. I couldn't ever hate her, none of this is her fault."

My mom swallowed thickly, "That's what I told Frank. When that woman showed up on our doorstep with a pink bundle, my heart dropped..." My mom shook her head, "It was like Frank had thrown everything back in my face or was taunting me."

"Taunting you?" I asked softly.

She looked at me sadly, "Just before I found out about this woman, I was pregnant too. Only, Frank said that it was too much of a hassle to have another baby, that everything was hectic..." She hiccuped and started to sob.

I got up and hugged my mom, "It's okay mom."

She nodded, letting me sit back down. She held my hands, "Joey, it was hard, alright? We couldn't handle another baby, and having an abortion was simple. It was to make things simpler for us."

Anger began to seep through my veins, "He made you?"

My mom shook her head, "We decided."

"Then that woman showed up?"

She nodded, "And I really was pissed the fuck off, because he was cheating on me and he told me about not being able to handle another child."

"Did he know that she was pregnant?"

She shrugged, "Probably, I don't know and I don't care."

"So, how come she gave you Dani?"

"The girl was 19 years old, she didn't know anything about babies, and all she wanted was some money. I paid her off, Joey, I used my money to get Dani, your dad didn't." She shook her head, "He wanted to put her up for adoption, you know, but I told him that he'd love her just like he loves you and Wolfgang. He was mad at me for a little while, but he got over it."

I couldn't believe what I just heard. I was more than livid with my dad. I didn't even want to have to look at him, I didn't think I could even be in the same room as him.

"How do you do it?" I asked her, "Mom, you're like a superhero. You're a saint."

"I'm a human being, Joseph. I would do it all over again, and I love Danzi just as much as I love you and Wolfie. I believe that she's the little girl I had to get rid of, in a way God was returning her to me." My mom tweaked her lips, "She's blood to me, she's my little girl, I went through pain to get her, emotional pain."

"Do you hate him for it?" I asked quietly, I really wanted to know.

"I did for a little while, but I forgave him, because I had that revaluation about Danzi," She wiped her eyes again, "But, slowly, I started to lose all my love for him, Joey. I still love him, I still want to be married to him, but he's done a lot of wrong."

I swallowed thickly, "Dad said it was a two way street... What did you do?"

"I think he means when I decided to take Danzi. He still thinks it was a bad idea. He thinks that you and Wolfie will treat them both different of you knew the truth. I know that he's wrong."
 
"He still thinks that?" My voice was soft, I forced it that way, to keep from growing angry.

My mom saw it, or rather she could hear it, "Joseph, calm down, okay? Sometimes I think about it, too, but I love Dani. Your dad loves her too."

"If he's so damn upset over it, why didn't he just keep his dick in his pants?" I finally let my rage spill out.

My mom gave me this look, "Joseph, watch your mouth!"

I sighed, "I can't help it, mom. Dad is... He's an idiot."

"Joey, I know he is, okay? But, I love him, he's your father, and my husband. I give him chances, I know he's a good man, he's just made mistakes."

"And, you know what, mom? I think you should divorce him. I think that maybe if you guys divorced that you'd actually have some freedom."

She furrowed her brows, "I am free, Joe."

"You can be happy."

She gave me a disbelieved look, "I am happy, Joey. I have my kids, you all make me happy."

"But you deserve someone else who can make you happy."

Suddenly my mom stood up, "Son, all you need to worry about is being a kid. Don't worry about me or your dad, just be a kid, be a good big brother. That's all I ask, you can't take the world on, sweetie. I've tried."

I exasperated, "Mom, I just want you to be happy, like truly happy. I want to see you smile all the time, I don't like seeing you resent dad."

She gave me a small smile, "Okay, Joe, I understand. But, me and your dad are working on our problems... We're trying to keep our marriage together."

I didn't voice my opinion. I now hoped she would divorce him. My dad didn't deserve her.

"Okay, mom. I hope it works out the way God intends it to."

She came over and hugged my shoulders and kissed the top of my head, "Thank you."

"Goodnight." I said as she went to the door.

"'Night, Joey. Don't forget to brush your teeth."

I gave her a nod before she slipped out of my room.