Escaping the Inevitable

An hour after comforting Dani, she went to watch cartoons before her bed time. My mom called me down to take out the trash, but she stopped me when I headed towards the back door.

"Is Danzi okay?" She asked in this worried tone of voice, "She looked sad at dinner."

I tweaked my lips, "She says some older girl is picking on her at school."

"About us?" She asked softly.

"Yeah. They call her bastard, ma." I felt anger course in me, "How do they even think or know that?"

"Rumors." My mom explained, "I wasn't "showing" when Dani was born." 

I frowned, "Still, I think that it's stupid that kids say that stuff to her. Danzi is only 7."

"I'll talk to her," She told me softly and with a pat on my shoulder, "I won't tell her you told me."

"Thanks." I said shortly before I walked out the back door.

As soon as I step outside the familiar scent of cigarette hit my nostrils. I usually, and unusually, love the scent of my dad's used cigarette smoke spent in the air. I don't know why, I think it's nostalgia and it clouds my mind of the wrong he's done.

It reminds me of when I was little and I would hug him and nap on him. His scent was that of Old Spice, Marlboro cigarettes and black coffee. That's my dad, that's my memory and happiness.

"Joe." My dad called my name, the glow of his lit cigarette is bright in the dim evening.

"Hey dad." I said as I dumped the trash bag into the bins.

"What's up with Danzi?" He asked tossing his cigarette.

"She told me not to tell." I mumbled.

My dad gave a laugh, "Oh, c'mon, son."

I rubbed my shoulder, "Uh... Well some girls are bullying her. They call her bastard."

My dad's brows shot up, shocked, "What? Bastard?"

"Yeah." I say it nonchalantly, absentmindedly.

My dad looks at me, still shocked. In that moment I saw fear and nervousness fill his eyes. I just told him, without actually saying it, that I know.

My dad coughs, "Joey, it was a long--"

I stopped him, "7 years ago, yeah, I know, dad."

"Look, it was an accident. A mistake--"

I grew angry, letting it come over me, "Take that back! Dani is not a mistake!"

My dad strode over, coursing his hair back in the process, "I didn't mean it like that, Joseph."

I hate when he calls me Joseph.

"Don't call my sister a mistake or an accident." I ground out through clenched teeth.

My dad sighed, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry." 

"She isn't a mistake, and she's hurting right now," He spat out, "And mom too."

My dad looked frustrated, he also looked lost. 

"What do you want me to do then, Joey?" He was pleading and u just glared at him.

All my life my dad had everything under control. He said himself, that he had his world, his family, his entire life, under control. But look now; he was staring at his 13 year old son, asking what to do.

"Dad, I don't know." I said, "Just... Stop being such an asshole."

The words just flew out. I had to say them. I didn't regret them.

My dad looked angry, but the look disappeared, he stepped away from me and leaned against the wall. I watched my dad, I was on the verge of tears, and I didn't know why. I kept my wet eyes on him, watching him start to cry, too.

My dad, the big man who ruled our household was sobbing. I couldn't believe it, but I understood. I understood that maybe all of this mess weighed heavy on his shoulders.

My dad stood up straight, stuck his hand in his pocket and shook it; his keys jingled inside. He looked at me, wiping his eyes with his left hand, "Joe, let's go for a ride."

All I could do was nod at my dad. He took my arm, gently and led me towards the front yard and to the drive way. I got inside the SUV, he got in too, and started it up. He backed up and drove off; it was silent and it was alright. I still wondered when he was gonna speak.

Finally, he did, "Do you hate me, Joe?" His voice was broken.

I looked at him, "No, dad. I don't hate you." It was the honest truth.

"You hate the way I treat Sunny." He spoke in a whisper.

"You act like you hate her." I told him, "Do you hate her?"

"I love her to death, Joey, I told you. I love her more than I love myself. I cheated because I was afraid and I was gone and I was an idiot." He exhaled, "I didn't mean to get that girl pregnant, it just happened, it was an accident."

"Do you hate Danzi?" I couldn't help but to ask.

"No, I love her. Sunny made me love her. If Sunny hadn't of adopted Danzi, I probably wouldn't love her." 

It hurt to hear that, but I understood.

"I never wanted you or Wolfie to know," He continued, "I didn't want you to hate me. I didn't want you to look at Danzi any different. Your mom doesn't treat her any different, but I wasn't sure about you guys." 

"I love her, dad, I would never treat her different, neither would Wolfie."

He looked over at me, then back at the road, "Who told you?" He asked suddenly.

"I'm not at liberty to say." I jested.

He laughed, "Look, I won't be mad. Just tell me; was it Gee?"

I shook my head, "I, uh, beat it out of Uncle B."

My dad sighed, "I expected that. He hates me, your grandma hates me too."

"Grandma Maria?" I asked, he nodded, "Why?"

"All the shit I did. She hated me even before you all were born."

"Why?"

"Because I kept hurting Sunny. I was such an idiot, I still am. I just... I don't know what's wrong with me." His knuckled squeezed the steering wheel, burning white, "16 years and I still can't make it right."

I couldn't speak, my body felt weirdly sad, this sick feeling. I never felt like this before. My heart felt like it was living in my stomach.

"I don't want to divorce your mom, Joe," He said softly, "We do get divorce, Danzi's paternity will come to light. I don't want that. I can't... I won't let them get hurt."

"How would it come up?" I asked.

"The whole custody thing; I know we'd share custody, but they'll talk about the adoption." He sighed, "We paid a lot to keep it quiet."

"Did her mom really not want her?"

My dad sighed again, "Yeah. She just wanted some money, that's why she had Danzi. Sunny stepped up and took her..." There was more, but he didn't finish.

"You hated mom for that?" I questioned.

My dad slowed the car down at a stop sign, then looked at me, "I... I did. I still... I don't know, Joey, it's hard to explain."

"No it isn't!" I exploded, "You have to choose; you hate my mom for taking your kid in or not!"

His eyes bulged, but then relaxed, "I still hate the fact that Danzi is alive." He sputtered.

I stared at him, he began to fix his response, "No, no-- Joey, I meant that-- I... Shit."

I stopped listening, his voice just disappeared. I looked away, my heart pounding in my stomach, bruising it's new home. I felt sick with anger and my heart wasn't helping.

"Take me home." I finally said over him, my voice was surprisingly calm, "Take me home."

I couldn't hear my dad's response, my eyes stayed adverted out the window.