Something in the Water

Ben picks absently at his sandwich from across the table. His eyes are down, but I can't tell if he's trying to avoid me. We haven't talked about what happened - we haven't really talked at all in the past few days. It doesn't mean that we aren't thinking about it, though.

"Was the chemistry test hard?" I ask him, forcing small talk. He has chem right before lunch, and I have it right after.

He shakes his head. "Not too bad."

My pudding cup is sitting in front of me, untouched. My stomach is still bothering me, and I'm afraid to unsettle it with food. I resort to watching the other students waiting in the lunch line to fill the silence. 

"Listen, Em." Ben crosses his arms on the table and focuses on me.

I start to spin the spoon in my pudding around as a nervous tick.

"I've been thinking...maybe we're just paranoid."

I lift my eyes. "Paranoid?"

"Yeah. You're seventeen years old. The last time someone your age had a baby was decades ago. All the odds are against you, it's crazy to think it's even possible."

I glance around quickly to make sure no one is listening to us. "But I read that it used to be very common for women to get sick when they got pregnant. They called it morning sickness, and it was one of the early signs of -"

Ben wrinkles his nose. "You only got sick once. It was probably food poisoning, or something. It could have been anything." He takes a full bite of his sandwich. "There's no reason to get upset."

I sigh and consider his point. I haven't mentioned anything to anyone else, and I don't plan to. I'm not even certain that I'll bring it up to my parents unless I have to. 

"Where did you read that, anyway?" He questions.

"I was just walking around in the library, and I came across a book about it." 

He splutters through laughter. "A book? Really, Emma? All of that information is outdated and useless. When was it written, 2000?"

I drop my head. "Actually, it was 2009. But I got sick yesterday too, Ben. And the book's really interesting, it's about what pregnancy used to be like -"

"Can you stop using that word?" Ben snaps at me. He sees the look on my face and corrects his attitude. "Please?"

I stare at him, and now I see he's trying to avoid me.

We both jump as a brown bagged lunch explodes as it hits the table. A green apple nearly rolls off, but Ben catches it.

"How's life, my good friends?" Sam claims his lunch and gathers it all back into the bag. His twin sister Sara is my best friend, just as Sam is Ben's. 

"Why do you always do that?" Ben mumbles, probably embarassed for being startled so easily. 

"Gotta keep you on your toes." Sam slaps Ben's back and takes a seat next to me. 

"Where's Sara?" I ask quietly. I try to keep to myself, suddenly conscious of the bulge under my sweater.

"She forgot something in her locker, I don't know. Hey, Ben, I just made fifty bucks over the weekend, and you'll never guess how."

They start discussing Sam's weird hobbies. I peek at Ben, and I'm surprised to see he's very into it, not distracted at all. If Ben isn't concerned, then maybe I shouldn't be. I trust him.

Sara plops down in the seat beside Ben. Neither one of them notices. She smiles at me, then wrinkles her forehead. "What are you wearing?"

I look down at my wardrobe innocently. "What do you mean?"

Her comment grabs the attention of the guys, and I feel my face reddening. 

"Dressed for a snowstorm, are we Sully?" Sam uses his nickname for me. He based it off of Sullivan, my last name.

"I-I was chilly this morning." I stutter, tucking my arms in my sides. It's the middle of April, and I'm wearing an oversized wool sweater that should be worn in the dead of winter. 

I catch Ben's eyes briefly. It was the only thing in my closet that I was certain would conceal the bump of my stomach. If no one noticed before, I'm sure they wouldn't notice now. But it was mostly to help me forget about it being there.

When Sam continues his story, Sara subtly points in Ben's direction. "Is something wrong?" She whispers.

I swallow hard. "Why do you ask?"

She shrugs, still keeping her voice low. "He's not drooling over you today."

I'm surprised she didn't notice before. "Nothing's wrong."

I only eat a spoonful of my pudding before I'm forced to throw it away. The sight of it is making me nauseous.

Ben still walks Sara and I to chemistry, just like he always has. He slides up the arm of my sweater to find my hand lost in the wooly fabric, and holds it safely in his own. Sara walks on my left, just like she always has. But today is strikingly different.

We don't laugh about something stupid Sam did at lunch like we usually do. We barely speak, Sara being the only one to smile at Mr. Parker's oddly colorful tie of the day. I let Sara in the classroom ahead of me, but I don't miss her curious eyes peering at both of us.

Ben keeps his head to the side, pretending to be distracted by student traffic.

"We can't keep doing this." I say.

He scratches the side of his neck. "Doing what?"

I grab his chin and force him to look at me. "This. Not around Sam and Sara. They know us too well. Sara already asked me if something was wrong."

"Nothing's wrong." He promises, sealing it with a kiss on my cheek. "I'm sorry."

My skin becomes warm where his lips touch. "Let's just forget about all of this, okay?"

His face brightens, and the hallway starts clearing up. Class is starting any second. "I gotta go. I love you."

I smile and shove his arm to get him moving. "Love you, too."

I step into class just as the bell rings, and every pair of eyes is locked on me. I panic, scrambling to cover my tummy. Then I realize that placing my hands over the bump sends the wrong message.

Sara widens her eyes, embarassed for me. I quickly take my seat in the front of the class, realizing that forgetting about all of this would be alot easier for Ben.

. . . . . . . . 

I don't care what Ben says. I need the book.

I checked it out before I left school - the librarian had to dig up an old box of call cards to scan the book under my name. She told me she hadn't scanned a book that way in years. I casually mentioned that I had a health project to sound less shady.

The book's spine is battered, and the title page is nearly detached. The cover is a faded light blue, reading the title "The Making of a Miracle". I handle it gently, skimming over something called the Table of Contents. I find a chapter about finding the right pregnancy test.

I expect to find hints on how to get passed the Evaluation, but they did something completely different in 2009. I knew getting pregnant was unpredictable back then, but they didn't even know it until weeks later when they peed on a stick? It's guaranteed you get pregnant after detoxification. I couldn't imagine not knowing for so long.

But then again, I still don't know. 

I shed off my winter sweater and stand in front of the mirror again. There's a picture of a woman who is supposedly three months pregnant on one of the first few pages. I compare our silohuettes, and the book falls right out of my hand, splattering open on the floor.

Ben's wrong.