Something in the Water

. . . . . . . .

EMMA:

Ben tries to tell me it won't be as bad as yesterday, but I know it will be. If anything, it will be much worse.

"Just keep your head low like I told you, and everything will be fine." He keeps telling me the same thing over and over, but it doesn't work.

The door of the car opens, and I close my eyes to keep from being blinded by the camera flashes. I let Ben do most of the work, leading me out and helping me down to my feet. I feel Dad take hold of my shoulders as he helps steer the giant cow that is my middle section. Mom follows close behind.

The entire time we're walking through the crowd, all I can think of is how much I hate them. I've never hated another person so much in my entire life. I hate the way they talk to me, pester me, try to force answers out of me. No one is buying the genetic mutation thing, they all think I'm a criminal.

It's not much better when I get into the hospital. That damn staring makes me want to claw their eyes out. Why can't people just mind their own business?

"See?" Ben whispers to me. "You did it."

I want to tell him to shut up and get me out of here before I kill everyone, but I can't do that. He works so hard to make me feel better and to help me get through it all. I've already skipped the first month of school, while Ben's been enjoying his senior year without me. But, today is the day I've been waiting for, when it will all finally be over.

"Why are they staring at me?" I ask, mostly to myself. It's not really a matter of why, it's just why they feel inclined to do it when I've already been pregnant for nine months. Ben overhears me, though.

"I don't know." At least he's honest.

Dad walks ahead to the front desk. Mom steps around to the front of me to consume my attention. "You'll be okay, honey." She runs her thumbs over my rosy cheeks.

"I know." I say in a jittery way. I'm very twitchy with my nerves. "I just want it over with."

Dad starts his way back over to us, and I see the wheelchair approaching from down the hallway. It's coming for me.

It feels like the first day of preschool, when you know that your parents are going to leave you alone with these strange people for a whole day. I feel sick, and all I want is to hold on to Mom and Dad's legs with all my strength, begging them to take me home.

"It'll be over before you know it." Dad says, but his tone is business-like. "We'll be here waiting for you."

Mom kisses my head twice, probably an extra time for Dad. They won't let anyone in the delivery room because of the fear of contaminating the test samples. I don't want to think about how angry it makes me that they care more about my insides than they do about my baby...or the Parker's baby.

A man with a nice and comforting smile offers the wheelchair to me. I look down at the contraption and shake my head. "I'd rather walk."

He looks at me funny, but sets the wheelchair aside. "Alright."

Something tells me to look at Ben. His face reminds me of the day I told him I thought I was pregnant, and he felt the life inside of me and had this look of uncertainty. I carefully hug him around his neck and let his arms hold me for a few seconds before I slip away.

"You're still a brave girl, Emma." Ben says. "Go show them how brave you are."

"This way, please." The man directs me towards the hallway.

I struggle getting my feet to move, but I follow him after I get started. I can't look back at my parents and Ben, because I might just collapse on the floor in a sobbing fit. Ben's right, I am brave. I can do this.

I'm not so much afraid of the actual cutting-open part as I am for the baby to come out. I've been brainwashing myself into believing that putting her up for adoption is the right thing to do, whether the Evaluation Center is making me do it or not. I am by no means prepared to raise a baby, and both Ben and I know that. It's not like we wanted this to happen, and it's not like we were trying to get pregnant. It just...happened. Now, we're dealing with the consequences.

When they toss the white clothes in my direction, I go to change in the small bathroom. I get a final look at my stomach, the way it rounds out over my middle, and I forget it forever. It's time to move on, to wipe my memory of any of this. It's the only way I'll get through in one piece.

I'm somewhat thrilled to find Dr. Stevens in the room, waiting for me. She smiles her pearly white smile. "Hi there, Emma. Are you ready?"

My face feels permanently waxed into an anxious mask, so I nod instead of speak.

"Great. Everything should run smoothly. Your tests from yesterday tell us you're healthy and the baby is ready to be delivered."

It's starting to become real now. I lie down in the bed and I realize I can barely breathe. They're going to cut me open and pull out a human! There's a real, live, human baby inside me, and she's coming out in less than an hour.

Dr. Stevens sees my panic-stricken features. "It's alright, Emma. In a few minutes, the lower half of your body will start to feel numb." She stands over me, her head blocking the very bright light.

I close my eyes and try to put myself in a happy place. I feel the bed moving as they wheel me to another room to perform the surgery. My happy place surprises me. It's in the country, at Sam and Sara's new beautiful home. The sun shines and warms the land without being too hot, and the breeze tickles my face and hair. There's no one else here, just me, and it's wonderful.

The bed skips over a bump in the floor and literally startles me awake. My eyes open wider than I can bear. I feel empty in my lower half, like Dr. Stevens warned me. My arms are weak, but I can still move them. My toes might as well not exist.

There are three other doctors in the room, though Dr. Stevens is the only one not prepared for the surgery to get the baby out. She has on a pair of rubber gloves and a mask, but the other doctors are much more intricately dressed.

"How are you feeling? Alright?" She's still the only one that has talked to me so far. She helps another doctor set up a wall of blue material like the material beneath me.

I don't respond, because when she builds the wall, I can't see anything past my chest. I can't see my stomach or legs, and I can't feel them. I'm not so sure they're even there anymore.

It brings another wave of panic. My hands start twitching anxiously, and I don't know if I will be able to stand another minute in this room.

"Emma, this is Dr. Richards. He'll be conducting the C-section." Dr. Stevens presents a man covered in head-to-toe white clothing. He looks like a marshmallow.

"How are you this morning?" He asks briefly, before another doctor asks for his assistance.

Why is he doing it? I thought Dr. Stevens would be the one to do it. I'm going to let a complete stranger cut me open? There's another few minutes of preparing everything before Dr. Stevens appears again. She watches my face for a few seconds, and then pulls up a stool next to my bedside. She conceals my hand between both of hers and looks down at me lovingly, like my mother would if she were here.

"I'll be with you the whole time, okay?" I've given up on speaking, and she's given up on looking for an answer. "Now, you might feel a bit of a tugging sensation, but it won't hurt."

It still blows my mind that I can't feel anything. I don't know what she's talking about. I wait for it, to feel something, but then I realize I hope I don't feel anything at all.

"You're doing wonderfully, Emma." Dr. Stevens keeps my hair out of my face. "Just try to stay calm."

Then, my first words in a long time sneak out. "Is the baby out yet?"

She peeks around the curtain, and I wonder what the hell it looks like back there. "Almost. You'll hear her cry when she's out."

I squeeze my hands into fists in anticipation. Dr. Stevens notices the ring on my finger. "That's very pretty."

It takes me a second to realize she's talking about it. "Ben gave it to me." I say.

She sort of rolls her eyes, like she expected nothing more than that. "You don't know how lucky you are to have someone like Ben, especially since you're so young. You should hold on to him as long as you can."

I appreciate her attempt to start conversation, but I really can't focus on anything else. I squint my eyes shut and I want to ask the question again. I want the baby out right now.

As if she senses my impatience, a tiny whimper breaks through the stiff air. I completely pause all motion, including breathing and blinking, to listen to the sound for the first time. It escalates quickly into a wail that sounds deeply irritated. I guess it sucks being pulled out of the safety of somebody's womb.

"Th-that's my baby?" I ask, dumbfounded. "That's her, making all that noise?"

Dr. Stevens smiles down at me. "It is."

I don't know why, but it just seems impossible. It feels the same way it did when I suspected I was pregnant myself...it's impossible. She couldn't have come out of me.

The doctors try hard to dodge a congratulations and offer their best wishes all at the same time. The baby's cry fills my ears continuously, and I refuse to take my attention away from it. Dr. Stevens squeezes my hand. "I'm so proud of you." She says.

I hear another doctor speak to Dr. Stevens on the side as she injects a needle into my arm. I don't know what it is, but it makes me sleepy, and I can't fight my eyelids. I fall into a deep sleep listening to the comforting cry of my newborn without ever getting to see her face.

. . . . . . . .

It's so peaceful.

The room is only lit by natural sunshine through the side windows. I hear the very soft conversations of a few people in the room with me, but I can't see them. I peek through my eyelids and see the tube in my arm, and the weird bracelet on my wrist. I wiggle my toes and sigh.

"Oh, I think she's waking up." It's a girl's voice, but I can't tell who it is.

"Emma?" That one is distinctly Ben. I hear the nervous crack in his voice.

I force my eyelids to raise halfway, and I see my bed surrounded by my dearest friends. Ben is on my right, beside Sara, and Sam on my left. I wonder if I'm hallucinating.

"Hey, sleepy head!" Sam exclaims cheerfully.

"Shh! You're too loud!" Sara whisper-yells at him. "Emma, we came back to see you!"

I wrinkle my forehead, partly in confusion and partly in denial. How could they be here? They didn't say they were coming.

Ben lifts my hand to his lips and kisses my fingers. "You okay?"

I shift my leg to be sure I can move them again, but it causes a bit of pain in my lower stomach. I wince briefly. "Ow."

"Should we go get a doctor, or something?" Sara asks Ben.

He looks beyond Sam, out towards the hallway. "You can, I guess. Tell them she's awake."

Sara steps around the bed and drags Sam along with her. Ben holds my hand close to his face. I can feel his breath on my fingers. "I was so worried. Would it have killed you to wake up a few hours ago?"

I squint to try and see the clock. "How long..." I can't form a full sentence.

"You came out around nine. It's almost one."

I can't believe how weak I feel. My muscles and limbs might be noodles. "My parents?"

"They're making sure everything is situated with the Parkers." Ben holds his tongue for a second. "Did you see her?"

I stare down at my feet, covered by a thin white blanket. "I heard her cry." I say, smiling a bit at the memory.

Ben smiles, too. "They're going to ask if you want to see her."

The decision seems like the hardest I'm being asked to make. "Do you want to see her?"

Dr. Stevens admits herself into the room. "Emma, how do you feel?"

I sigh again. "Sleepy."

She approaches me and touches my skin, as well as fiddles with the machines beside me. "Good, that's normal. Everything looks fine here. Do you need anything in particular?"

I see Sam and Sara walking back towards my room from outside, and there's a train of people behind them. My parents are following Sam's lead, and I see Rick shortly after. Hilary brings up the rear. I can't see the pink bundle in her arms until she's close enough to the window.

I freeze again, like I did in the operating room. I fingers claw into Ben's arm, and I knows he sees it, too.

My parents shovel their way in first. "Hi, baby." Mom leans over me to hug and kiss me. "You feel okay?"

"She's just a little sore." Ben answers for me, removing himself so my dad can get closer.

I scrape my eyes away from the window and the pink bundle to meet Dad's. His eyes are soft, and sleepy. I might just be imagining it, because I feel that way myself. He waits a while to speak, but when he does, it's short and sweet. "I love you, sweetheart."

I reach with my arms for a hug, but it shoots another wave of pain up my side. Dad leans in to match the space.

"Emma," Dr. Stevens inserts herself in politely. "The Parkers would like you to see the baby."

I'm still a bit out of it. "Right now?" I glance at my family and Ben. They don't show any sign of their opinions, so I have to make up my own mind. "Okay."

Ben helps me raise myself upright. I barely have any time for mental preparation, because Hilary is in the place of my parents. She waits for the extra people to shuffle out of the room, leaving just the three of us alone with the baby. Dr. Stevens closes the wall over the windows on her way out.

Ben is almost on top of me because he's leaning so close. I can tell Hilary is waiting for me to position my arms like a cradle, but I can't bring my noodly muscles to move. Ben clears his throat and offers his own wobbly arms for the baby.

Hilary carefully spills the baby girl into place, and Ben pulls her close to his chest. He stays very still, afraid to make any sudden movements.

"She's beautiful." Hilary whispers. "You've blessed us with an angel, Emma."

Angelic is an understatement. The sweet little face belongs to more than just an angel. She's a miracle. Her eyelashes are dark and long like Ben's, and her nose is round like mine. Her lips move a bit before she releases a yawn that has potential to kill me, it's so precious.

Ben looks up at me with a smile of disbelief. I smile back while I bite my nails.

"I'll be back in a little while, okay?" Hilary rubs my arm before she finds the exit.

I can't believe how quiet the room is. We're both still trying to soak in the fact that we created this angelic miracle in Ben's arms. He slides out one arm to touch his finger to her creamy skin.

He doesn't look at me when he speaks. "Are you breathing?"

I feel the tightness in my chest. "No."

Ben chews on the inside of his cheek. "Me, neither."

He pulls away a small portion of the soft pink blanket to search for her hands. I'd seen them so many times in the black and white pictures, but here they are, in real life. Ben pokes his finger into her palm, and she conceals him inside the tiny cage of her fingers.

A type of giggle escapes my lips at the sight. Ben finally makes eye contact with me again. "Do you want to hold her now?"

I feel sick again. "I don't think I should."

Ben wiggles his captured finger around a bit. "You sure?"

I've almost bitten my nails down to the nub. I decide that I would pull my hair out every day that passed, regretting that I never held my baby. I fight through the pain and bend my knees up, creating a place for the baby to lean.

Ben treats the baby like tissue paper, placing her fragile frame in the space I provided. Her back rests against my thighs, and the top of her head barely reaches the middle of them. I hold her steady with my hands. This isn't exactly holding her in my arms, but it's enough to satisfy me without overdoing it.

"Hi, baby." I say, circling my fingers around her wrists.

Ben reaches to kiss my cheek before he drops his head on my shoulder. We watch her sleep for what seems like hours. We don't need to speak to know how wonderful she is. We do comment on how tiny all of her features are, as well as what feature we think belongs to who. She's lucky to have ears like mine, though she's basically bald on top of her head. I blame Ben for that.

When Hilary comes back in with Rick, I don't feel sick like I expect to. I look down at the child and tell myself her mom and dad are coming to take her home, and that she'll have a beautiful life to match her beautiful face. She'll live in a nice house with the greatest parents, and she'll grow up and smile everyday, just like all babies should.

Rick is the one to lift her away from me, but Hilary tells me the decision they've made. "We couldn't name her the name we had set aside for a baby boy, so we've come up with another name for her, but we want to run it by you first."

I shake my head with a content smile. "Anything you decide will be perfect."

"Well, in the end, there's really only one name that fits best." Rick adjusts the blanket around the baby. "We want to call her Emma."

It's now that the tears literally burst out of nowhere. I cover my mouth with my hands after I show them my grin. Ben doesn't know how to react. "It's perfect." He agrees.

"You'll never know how much you both mean to us." Hilary says. "We needed a miracle, and we got one. We'll always be grateful."

"Hopefully, baby Emma grows up to be as great as you are." Rick adds with a smile.

They are the best choice for the baby's future, and I know it for sure right at that moment. I don't regret anything I've done up to this point, and I think this is the way it was meant for it to turn out all along.

I just can't wait for that brand new family to someday belong to Ben and I.