I adore the despair in you eyes

Chapter one.

Life isn't fair. Not for anyone. And if someone thinks it is, that person is lying.
Or maybe that person actually want to believe that life can be fair.

If life is fair, then why am I sitting here, drinking my sorrows away?
Why is suicide written all over my fucking brain?
Why isn't the one I actually love with me, instead of his wife?

A soft knocking.
"Ville?"
I rolled my eyes, "yes?"
Linde sighed and walked towards me.
"Are you drinking again?"
"No, I'm just staring at the pretty bottles," I snapped.
"Sarcastic much?" Linde said. "Ville, you got to stop this."
"Why?" I mumbled.
"You're fucking killing yourself slowly! Aren't you over the Bam-thing yet?!"
I flinched and hugged my knees when I felt the tears streaming down my cheeks.
I missed him, I did. Me and Bam were really close friends.

More than friends. We weren't together, but close to. We were just fooling around, making out and touching eachother. We both knew that that thing we had wouldn't turn out to a relationship, but still, I loved him.
But, as you all know - he got married.
I cried softly to the phone when Ape called me and invited me to his wedding.
But I was there, at his wedding, and felt my heart crack when he said "I do".

I stood up. "I'm going to have a bath," I said and walked into the bathroom, closing the door.
I just turned on the cold water and watched it as it filled the tub. So innocent...
I climbed into the cold water with my clothes. I gasped at the uncomfortable feeling.
I took a deep breath and let myself slip into the water.
I counted the seconds.
One...two...three...four...
I grabbed the sides of the tub to keep myself down.
Five...six...seven...eight...
I heard a knocking, but ignored it.
Nine...ten...eleven...twelve...
I opened my eyes and stared at the blurred ceiling and smiled.
Thirteen...fourteen...fifteen...sixteen...
My lungs started to burn. I wasn't going to give in.
Seventeen..eighteen...nighteen...twenty...
A knocking on the door again.
Twentyone...twentytwo...twentythree...twentyfour...
I took a deep breath by accident. I still wasn't going to give in.
Twentyfive...twentysix...twentyseven...twentyeight...
Another knocking. Why didn't they leave me alone?
Twentynine...thirty...thirtyone...thirtytwo...
My lungs hurt badly now. I smiled again.
Thirtythree...thirtyfour...thirtyfive...thirtysix...
The bathroom door burst open and I saw Gas blurred face before I roughly got pulled out of the water.
"Are you out of your fucking mind?!" He screamed.
I just gasped for air, not saying a thing.
"What happened?" Lindes voice.
"He tried to fucking drown himself!"
I opened my mouth to say something, but water came out instead of words.
"I'll take care of him," Linde said. Gas nodded and leaved me and Linde alone in the bathroom.
"Ville, you idiot," Linde said.
He took of my wet clothes and inspected my arms and legs. I knew he was looking for cuts, scars or any kind of scratch.
When he didn't find any, he wrapped me carefully in a towel.
"Let's get you some dry clothes, yeah?" He said and helped me up.
"I'm sorry," I said as he dressed me and dried my hair.
"Don't think about it," Linde said and rubbed my back. "You're just going through a rough time, that's all."
With that, I began to cry again.

I felt their eyes on me as I walked into the kitchen and opened the fridge.
"We're going to get you help, Ville."
I didn't say anything.
"You're not going to find any beer in that fridge," Burton said.
I sighed and closed the fridge.
"I don't need help," I said.
"Really? Then why are you fucking drinking all the time? Why aren't you eating? Why are you suicidal?" Gas said.
I rolled my eyes. "First thing, my drinking isn't a problem. Second thing, I do eat. Third thing, I'm not suicidal."
Gas opened his mouth to say something more but I turned around and walked into my bedroom and closed the door.
I didn't need their shit right now.

"Ville?"
I almost jumped out of my bed. "Knock, will you?!" I said angrily.
"Sorry," Mige said. "Linde told me to give you some food."
I looked at the plate he was holding and shook my head. "I'm fine."
"Come on, Ville," Mige said and set the plate down on my nightstand. "Eat it and Linde won't nag your head off later."
I smiled a bit.
Mige looked at the pictures of me and Bam that covered my wall.
"You should call him you know," he said, and then he walked out of my room.
Without thinking, I took my phone and dialed Bams number.
"That's a stupid idea," I mumbled and deleted it.
I sighed and took the plate and poked around in the food.
Maybe Mige was right, maybe I should call Bam.
But I didn't know what to say.
Suddenly I took my phone again and dialed Bams number again.
I took a deep breath and pressed the callbutton.
This is stupid...
I bit my nails. Don't pick up the phone, don't pick up the phone...
Just when I was about to hang up, he picked up.
"Hello?"
Shit.