I adore the despair in you eyes

I froze and almost stopped breathing.
"Hello!?"
I could hear that Bam started to get annoyed.
I took a quick breath.
"I can hear you breathing! If you're some crazy fan that somehow got my number I swear to God that I'll.."
"It's me."
Bam went quiet.
"Please say something," I begged.
"I don't know what to say..shit, Ville?"
"Y-yeah," I said and rubbed my nose.
"God, I haven't heard from you since the wedding..how are you?"
"I'm..I'm fine," I said.
"Are you sure? You sound a bit down, man," Bam said.
"I've got a cold," I lied. "Never mind, how are you then?"
"I'm great! Missy found out that she is pregnant yesterday!"
I felt hot tears running down my cheeks and I almost sobbed out loud before cursing to myself.
Why the fuck am I crying? Bam's happy, let him be fucking happy.
"Congratulations man!" I said and almost whined when my faked voice reached my ears.
Bam didn't seem to notice though, just kept on talking.
I listened, crying to myself, faked a laugh every now and then, hung up with a "We'll meet each other soon again, promise" and then breaking down completely.
Just crying, sobbing, screaming and still hating myself for not being happy for Bam and Missy.

"Ville, concentrate! This is going nowhere if you don't pay attention to it!"
I rolled my eyes and sighed. I wasn't in the mood for being in the studio - not even in the mood for singing.
"Okay, let us try it again. From the chorus."
I rolled my eyes again, but cleared my throat and started singing.
"In our hearts love keeps sweet talking to despair and goes..."
"Cut, cut, cut!"
I stopped singing and almost whined this time.
"Ville, if you want to get this album done, you have to..."
"Just fucking drop it, okay!?" I screamed and threw the mic away, walked out of the small studio and ran.
I heard someone follow me and I ran faster and felt my asthma kick in. Great.
Suddenly I felt someones arms around me and I got pushed down to the ground.
"Let me fucking go!" I tried to scream, but my throat burned so much that it just came out as a whisper.
"Calm down, Ville." Miges voice. I felt his hand searching trough my pockets, and suddenly I couldn't fucking breathe. Even though I should be used to asthma attacks, I kicked around, desperately carving for air, until I felt a inhaler between my lips and my whole body relaxed.
Mige stroked my back and I looked at him, and suddenly I was crying again. I hated myself for crying. I hated myself for being weak.

Two weeks since the call. Two fucking weeks.
"Ville?"
I ignored the voice and kept on dancing.
I didn't want to ruin this moment, didn't want to stop partying, didn't want to think about the call or Bam.
Suddenly I felt the world spin and I fell into someones arms.
"Ville, we're gonna get you home now," Mige said.
I giggled. "I don't wanna!"
Mige sighed. "You're wasted, man. We have to get you home."
"I'll stay here."
"Fine!" Mige dropped me and walked out of the room.
I giggled again and stood up.
Someone put another drink in my hand and everything started to spin again and I fell down on the couch that was full of people that made out.
I closed my eyes and tried to keep myself from throwing up.
"Are you alright?"
The voice rang in my ears and I opened my eyes.
"I'm j-just a bit dizzy," I said.
The girl laughed. "You're partying pretty hard. Trying to forget something?"
"You could say," I sighed.
"Come with me. I'll give you something that helps you."
She took my arm and pulled me up from the couch and led me into a empty bedroom.
I sat down on the bed and watched her pull out a bag of white powder.
I froze - I knew damn well what it was.
"Ever done a line before?" she said, smiling and carefully did two lines on a book.
"I don't like drugs," I said and closed my eyes.
"How do you know if you never tried it?"
I opened my eyes and looked at her.
She smiled before doing one of the lines.

It felt like something was eating me from the inside and my nose itched.
Still, it was some weird feeling over me; pure happiness.
I laughed at everything and every problem I had seemed to be gone.
Me and the girl, Estella, were dancing, well, more jumping around in the living room.
Jumped, laughed and screamed.

Someone grabbed me when I almost fell over.
"Time to go home."
I looked up and saw a blurry version of Mige.
He lifted me up and carried me over his shoulder.
I waved to Estella, who was busy dancing, while I was laughing my ass out.

The trip home was kinda awkward.
My high started to disappear and Mige was breathing heavy.
"Fucking say something," I mumbled.
"What do you want me to say?" Mige looked at me quickly before staring at the road again. "I found you high.
High, Ville! That's fucking serious shit. Why did you do it?"
"It worked," I said and stared down at my knees.
"I have no idea what's going on with you, Ville," Mige said. "You haven't been the same since Bam's wedding. I know you loved him, but he have a wife now. He can't stay by your side all the way."
Once again, my heart cracked. Not even my best friend could understand me now.