Courageous

In the days that followed my two game benching, I watched my team pull off a win against the Florida Panthers and then fall to the Dallas Stars. It was frustrating for me as a player not to be involved and not out there working towards another victory with my teammates. On the bright side, it also provided time for me to think about the consequences of my actions and how I was going to repair my wrongs, starting with Hank. There were obviously something’s that had been left unsaid between us that needed to be said for our friendships sake. There were no regrets on my part to an extent, but I didn't want one night's mistake to be the demise of it. Hopefully, he had kept our tryst to himself in my absence. There was no way I wanted to become locker room fodder. Hopefully, he would be willing to sit next to be on our flight out to St. Louis.

Walking into the training facility for a quick morning session before our three game road trip, I waved at some of the staff I recognized with a small smile gracing my lips. However, relaxed I was when I turned down the hall to enter the dressing room, I suddenly felt apprehensive about going in. After a restless night, I doubt I had the energy required to keep up with my nerves.

"Hammer, what are you doing standing around? Get in that locker room." Coach Tortorella quipped as his strides carried him over to me. I nodded in understanding, looking down at my feet to avoid making eye contact with the man. I know it was childish but the way I had acted in Buffalo had been rather immature in itself.

"You are aware that everyone fucks up every once in a while, right?"

I nodded, again, still unable to meet the older man's eyes. I knew that everyone stumbled, but with so much riding on how I performed I felt like I couldn't afford to trip up even in the smallest way. I didn't want anyone to doubt me or my commitment to the team or the sport I loved.

"Ok, well, then what are you waiting for? Get back in there and show me that your willing to make things right."

Without wasting anymore time, I pushed open the double doors and walked into the busy room knowing that there was some apologizing I needed to do. All eyes were on me as I walked until I stood in the center of the room. Looking around at all the guys, I could tell whom I was truly speaking to and who would just let it roll off of their backs. Shifting my stance, I began my statement,

"I would like to offer an apology for the way I acted the night before our game against Buffalo. It was very irresponsible of me and I should've been more aware of myself."

A few guys nodded as they pulled on their pads and others muttered words of acceptance, knowing that I had meant no harm all along. Prust even told me I was forgiven for being a human tick making a rumble of laughter erupt from Gaborik, who apparently thought the other forward deserved everything he got. I slipped aside to sit down in my stall to avoid getting mixed up in that exchange even if it was extremely tempting to do so.

Looking to my right, my eyes met the cerulean orbs of the net minder, whom had shared a few moments of bliss with me. It was almost painful to look at him because I had pushed him to commit adultery against his wife and he had surely informed her of his sinful actions or at least I thought he would have told her. But before I could open my mouth, Tortorella entered the locker room informing everyone it was time to hit the ice. Obeying the man, I trucked out towards the practice ice with my teammates.

A few hours later, I found myself standing with my 'exit buddy,' MDZ in a makeshift line waiting to board our flight to Missouri. By this time the HBO crew's cameras were rolling, so that they could have the maximum footage for the upcoming episode. Ducking behind the slightly taller man in hopes that I wouldn't be caught in the act of idiocy for all of the U.S.A and Canada to see. Of course, I masked my actions faking that the chill of the December had snuck its way between the fibers of my winter coat. In all honestly, winter had never bothered me considering all the places I had lived.

"Cold, Mickie?" My defensive partner teased, light heartedly, attempting to sneak an arm around my shoulders but I stepped away not wanting someone other than James to hold me.

"Nah, just ready to get on the goddamn plane." I lied, with a shrug, "Wanna play Words with Friends while we're waitin'?"

Snorting a laugh, Michael pulled out his own smart phone and thus, we picked up on our marathon battle in which we had been held in a stalemate since Boxing day. 'Loose' was his starting word and I countered with, 'whore' causing us both to crack up which earned questioning glances from all of those around us. A few of the air company's employees frowned at our antics and I was well aware of Alec Baldwin's refusal to quit playing but we didn't mean anything by it. Switching our phones to airplane mode, I received a txt from James,

'Got approved for comin' up for New Years! :D'

Giggling, I texted him back before boarding the plane. Prust, Brad, and Girardi beckoned me to join them in a card game, but I stole the seat next to Hank offering him a weak smile as he looked up at me, in slight surprise. Part of me was hurt that he thought that I would avoid him, but I understand why he'd think that. I wouldn't want me to come anywhere near him if I was him. I said nothing to the effect, instead pulling my iPhone to listen to my music. Hank's left hand, my eyes catching the tan line where his wedding band usually sat, came to tilt my phone in his direction so that he could see my new background, which was of James and I on my couch that Mandy had taken after we had finished making out, his lips were pressed to my forehead as I lead my head against his shoulder.

"You've spent time with him since they came to town?" His question was not unfounded because I knew it was odd that James had traveled all the way from Long Island to be with me, but I couldn't fight the wide grin that crept it's way onto my lips.

"Yeah, he came over before the Pens game against the Islanders." I confirmed, taking my phone back as I unlocked it to choose a song, for some reason I kept coming back to Edith Piaf's 'No, Je Ne Regrette Rien', so I decided to get it out of my system now instead of later. Looking back to Hank, I saw a trace of a smile on his lips as he saw my song of choice before he spoke again,

"I'm assuming you told him." I nodded. "And?"

I shrugged, with a smirk, "He told me that he was 'honored' that I kept thinking that you were him and then we danced."

A pained but amused expression contorted his angel-craved face as he took in my words. I felt bad because I had a hunch that things hadn't gone as well with Therese for him. I mean, yeah, he was a married man and it's not like I forced him to do anything. There had been no resistance on his part either and it takes two to tango. Sighing, I honestly felt guilty and wondered if I owed the blonde Swede an apology before I asked him,

"I take it that you're in the dog house."

Hank nodded with his own sigh as worry now painted his features as he looked down at his ring less hand and then back to her. I hoped that I wouldn't cause their new marriage to fall apart and that they'd be able to salvage it was too late. Running his hand through his hair, he spoke before I could,

"She was pissed. She went back to Sweden, but she was angrier with me than you. She knew that I am responsible for my actions and that I could've said, 'no'."

"But why didn't you?" I found my mouth saying before I could stop myself, even though I had mulled over that question many times during my 'illness', I held no intention of actually asking him why he hadn't stopped me. The goalie ran his hand through his neatly combed chestnut hair, tussling it a little making him even sexier if that was possible.

"I didn't because I knew it was the only chance I had to..." His words died off as he hung his head in shame before he admitted, "It was selfish of me because I gave into my desires and took what you offered me when I should've stopped it before we started."

Resting my hand on top of his larger ones, I gave it a reassuring squeeze because I was beyond flattered that he had wanted me, no matter how selfish his intentions had been. Looking back, it shed a new light on how oddly he had been acting towards me compared to the start of the season. He was trying to stop himself from lusting after me. I was surprised as he brought a hand up to caress my cheek,

"Now, you understand my coldness towards you... It's just that you have captivated me from the very beginning with your abilities and determination and then after getting to know you as a person-"

"It became too much." I finished for him, "In 2010, during the National Championship run, I've done the same thing before... Only I think it was more out of boredom and tension considering we spent so much time together."

Our conversation ended when John came on the intercom to announce that we would be having another practice as soon as the plane landed. This earned groans from everyone and automatically, most guys began to settle down to for the night. It was sure to be a challenging morning Tortorella wanted to have a practice that early. I found myself unable to relax, so I took the opportunity to sneak out of my seat pretending to head back to the bathroom, but I was really snapping pictures of my oblivious teammates, whom had passed out rather quickly. The several of the camera guys followed me up and down the isle as I messed with some of the guys, who were about half asleep that was until I was told to go to sleep by one of the trainers. I wanted to rebel like the child I still was, but as soon as my butt found my seat I became drowsy and leaned my head against the closest thing...

Why was he so tempting now? Pushing that thought aside I forced myself not to think about anything so I could get some rest.

The next morning, I woke up with my face pressed into Hank's shoulder. He hadn't woken up yet so I pulled sat back up to check the time and to listen to some tunes, knowing that I wouldn't be able to fall back asleep now that I was fully awake. Instead, I began to mentally prepare myself for the grueling practice ahead. When the pilot informed of us of our pending descent, which roused the rest of the guys, I stretch surprised at home stiff I was from just a few hours on the plane. Yep, I definitely wasn't looking forward to practice now, I felt like I wouldn't be able to walk and with that my relatively good mood was gone. Well, that was until Brandon Dubinsky checked his twitter to find a pic of him and Brian Boyle passed out with their heads leaned against one another's and exclaimed,

"MICKY, I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!!"

But can you blame a girl, if she just wants to have a little fun?

The end of the first period of my first game back against St. Louis, things were a little shaky for me. Not that I hadn't lost my ice vision, it was that my legs were still super tight and refused to grant me my normal speed. I had failed to cut a few passing lanes as well as moving fucking Backes out of the crease. So over all I wasn't please with how I had performed. On the other hand, the two-goal deficit that we were currently facing was not something that Tortorella would be pleased with at all. In fact, he was beyond pissed as he tried tore into us after we had filed into the cramped, visitors dressing room. Everyone's heads hung low with the exception of the few who lead their heads against the backs of their stalls. I didn't dare to look down, I wasn't a fuckin' coward I could take the grizzled man's harsh words, his exasperation at our failures.

"I asked you to fuckin' defend! I've seen you fuckin' defend before! And you're gonna do it here!" Pacing around the room, his arms move to annunciate his point, "If that's how we're gonna battle then we aren't gonna have a chance to win! Jesus Christ, how much time do we have to talk about it?! If that's all the juice we have competing against that team, we WILL get KILLED tonight! And we have two periods here; so I've asked you all to buy into how we're gonna play. If that's it we're fucking done it!" His voice rose with each moment that passed. From the outside it might seem harsh, but he was trying to encourage us to play harder, to play at our best,

"PACK IT UP! AND I KNOW THAT THIS FUCKIN' TEAM ISN'T THAT WAY! I'VE SEEN YA! SO LET'S GIVE WITH FOURTY FUCKIN' MINUTES TO GO! TAKE EACH SHIFT AT A TIME AND CHIP AWAY! THEY ARE NOT THAT GOOD IN THERE INZONE! AND WE KNOW OUR CLUB, THAT'S THE BIGGEST FUCKIN' POSITIVE OF OUR TEAM IS HOW HARD WE PLAY! SO FUCKIN' SCREW IT ON STRAIGHT HERE!"

At that point, I lost interest in his words and began to focus on my upcoming shifts. I needed to play at my best especially after sitting out for three games. The TV analysts would no doubt be nitpicking my every move down to the mechanics and thought processes. So there wouldn't be much TV time tonight. Even if there was no spark in my team tonight, I would fight for us. Sadly, mine and the rest of the teams combine efforts didn't seem to be enough to ward off those pesky Blues players, only resulting in a single goal by MDZ for us and two more for them. Man, it was gonna be a tough night and there was no way I wanted to give any interviews. I'd need that time to let tonight's game roll of my back so that I could shift my focus onto the next game in Phoenix.

The desert air was hot and dry, way too hot for the warm-blooded types like me. I prefer temperate or cooler temperatures with more rainfall and less sun. Needless to say, everyone was stripping out of his or her winter shells and sitting in front of fans to stay cool during the bus ride, "It's so fuckin' hawt!" I groaned, anguish as I knelt in my seat, trying to catch some of the breeze coming in from the window. Yes, I was being over dramatic but my body wasn't used this kind of heat and wasn't tolerating it very well. The only thing that made it bearable was that the rest of the guys were suffering along with me.

"Hey, Mickie, you're so damn hot!" Boyle sang into his little blue hand held fan, trying to keep the mood light. Glaring at him, I reached for the fan only to be squirted in the face, "Ah, ah, ah, you have to say the magic word!"

Growling, I reached for it again and once more earn a shot of Luke warm water to the face, "Please, brother, give me the fuckin' fan!"

"Um, no, try again later!" My fellow Boston College Alumnus refused. So I decided to barter with him, "Would you like a pot of Kool-Aid?" I offered, holding up my water bottle full of now hot strawberry kiwi Kool-Aid. Brian pondered my offer for a minute, rubbing his chin in a thoughtful manner.

"Is it hot?" He inquired, catching on to what I was getting at. Both of us now snickering because we both knew that none of the other guys understood what was going on.

Shrugging I smiled at him, "Maybe, maybe not." "It's hot, isn't it?" Brian guessed, easing into a fake British accent.

I smiled even wider and confirmed it, "YEP!" Slinging the bottle around a little. Giving me a disapproving look, he questioned again, "Hot Kool-Aid?"

Pointing my thumb towards the back of the bus, I offered, "Well, I could put some ice in it if you like."

"No, no, I'm not thirsty." Brian decided, turning on his fan once more.

"Brother!!" I pleaded, holding the bottle out for him. Glaring at me, Brian exclaimed, "I'm not gonna to drink it!"

"I made this for you!" I whispered, making puppy dog eyes at him.

"No!" Brian objected. "Drink it!" I demanded.

"No!!" He objected once again.

"I want you to drink this!!!" I insisted, the higher octave of my voice now had all the guys halfway paying attention as Brian and I continued to act out the skit.

"I'm not drinking it!" He denied.

"Drink this right now or I'll pour it on the floor and blame it on you!!" I commanded, faux anger and displeasure clearly expressed now.

"Oh yeah, real mature." Brian rolled his eyes at me.

Gritting my teeth as I snarled at him, "I MADE THIS FOR YOU!!!!"

By this pointed, some of the guys were getting annoyed with us, made apart by Brandon Prust, who threw a sweaty sock at me,

"Why don't you shut up? I'm too fuckin' hot and miserable to have to listen to you all the way to the hotel."

"That's cause yer a pussy!" I pointed out, getting in yet another quote and so far I was beating Brian in our little game to see who could get more movie/video quotes from boarding the plane until we arrived at the hotel. It was merely distraction to pass the time. Some people just couldn't take a hint that it was in good fun as Brandon turned around muttering something under his breath as he dug around for something. He popping back up with a Hershey's chocolate bar in hand,

"Mickie, I'll give you this chocolate bar-"

"IT'S LIKE FREAKIN' CAT NIP FOR CLONES!" Brian and I exclaimed at the same time, "Jinx!"

"Sure thing, buddy!" I agreed, winking at the rest of the guys as I caught the partially melted candy bar, "My momma always told me that life was like a box o'chocolates, you never know what your gonna get."

"Gah! Will please be quiet! You're driving me insane!" Brandon hissed, "I gave you the fucking candy bar. What more do you want from me?"

"I want it all. I want it all. And I want it now!" Brian joined back in, refusing to lose to a girl.

"Any way you want it, that's the way you need it, any way you want it!" I sang out.

"All right, all right, you two! That's enough!" Coach warned us from the front of the bus. It was Brandon's turn to snicker at us, but I wasn't going to let him get the last laugh,

"Shut up you fucking Jew!"

Now the entire bus was laughing, well everyone besides a few of the Europeans who had never seen 'South Park' before, but it was understandable, it wasn't the best show for anyone to watch. Lucky for me, I was able to get the quote in before pulling as the bus pulled into the hotel parking lot so that we could rest for a while before tonight’s game. Thus, I won the game! Now, satisfied with my victory I trucked out of the bus to grab my bag. I really wanted/needed that cold bath now.

For our first victory in two games, we finally beat the Coyotes. Well, thanks to Brad that is. He was able to score a last second goal, which he earned the Broadway hat for. The victory would hopefully fuel our upcoming in conference swing as we headed back east to play Broduer and the Devils, then the Islanders, the Flyers before Christmas, and then Islanders on the 26th. With all luck, those games would turn into wins and not loses. We would need all the momentum we could muster up heading into the Winter Classic in Philly.