Courageous

The days that followed our road trip were considerably less stressful; tonight we would get to enjoy a family Christmas party skate at Bryant Park in Midtown. It would fun to mingle with some of my teammates' families; I was definitely looking forward to playing with some of their kids. Grabbing a cup of hot chocolate, I sat down to tie my skates, not paying attention to who was sitting next to me. A tap on the shoulder had me looking that way, as my eyes locked with Hank's and butterflies erupted when he sent a soft smile my way.

The warmth I felt inside on this cold winter night was something I hadn't experienced before and it scared me a little because I knew what I was feeling was wrong on so many levels. Firstly and most importantly, he was still a married man even if he and his wife were now technically separated. Second of all, was it fair of me to want him while he is dealing with his marital problems? Our age difference was also something to be considered, he needed to be with someone who wanted the same things in life. Finally, in the back of my mind I knew that it wasn't fair for James. After all, James and I were supposed to be some kind of together, but without him here I felt myself continually being drawn to the Swedish goaltender. It was like a moth to a light, he drew me in with his tempting comfort and charming good looks.

"Ready for a break?" Hank asked in an awful attempt to make small talk. I couldn't help but laugh at his words, which led to some confusion on his part.

"Shouldn't you be asking yourself that? I got a benched for almost a week after the game in Buffalo." I reminded him, softly, before returning to work on tying my skates. Immediately, some strange concoction of regret, joy, and shame bubbled up as I remember what that night had brought us. Scratching the back of my head I went to apologize, "I'm sorry, Hank, I forgot-"

Raising a hand, he hushed me a strange emotion flickering in his eyes as he stared down at me carefully, "I regret nothing that happened. If anything I am thankful because it helped to discover the flaws in my marriage with Therese and..."

His voice trailed off leaving an empty space between in the words he had left unsaid. Had he been feeling what I had? Was there this unacknowledged chemistry between us that needed to be revealed? My heart was beating wildly against the confines of my chest, when I thought of what things might be like with Hank. If there was even a chance, I knew one thing and that was that he would always be there unlike with James, he didn't play for a different team. He could be there for in ways that James couldn't. God bless James' heart because if things continued the way they were he would even hold a candle to Hank, there was no way that he could.

My thoughts were shattered when my defensive partner challenged me to a skate off since there were few people on the ice. Giving Hank a sideways glance, I saw him motion toward MDZ an amused smile forming on his lips as I smiled, widely back at him and ran toward the outdoor ice almost knocking over Derek Stephan and his girlfriend, Stephanie in the process. In the back my mind, I wondered if this would make it to the newest episode of 24/7 as I caught the night-lights of the city reflecting off one of the HBO crew's cameras. It was strange to think of how used to them I had become to not notice them hanging around the rink. After the quick two laps, I smoked Michael with my speed that had many times been my key to success in both the junior and colligate levels as well here in the NHL. Some of the older kids, although there were few, came out to skate with us. Eventually, some of the guys brought their young children, like Landon, or their girlfriends out to slow the pace down so that they could keep up.

Taking a break, I stepped off the ice to allow some more room for the guys to enjoy time with their families. Being one of the few bachelors on the team in this aspect kind of suck because it felt like I was on the outside looking in and again I found myself looking for Hank, who was chatting away with Brad and Brandon Prust. Catching me red handed, Hank set a smirk my way, which caused Brad to look between the two of us in a confused manner before a small amount of realization dawn on him and he excused himself from their ranks.

Skating over towards me, Brad, firmly, grasped my bicep and led me to skate around the rink with him.

"God, please, don't tell me you're falling for him." He hissed, lowly, so that our conversation wouldn't be noticed. Shrugging, I shook my head,
"I don't know what it is, but it's been there for a while now."

"Since when? Do you know what you'll be doing to James? Are you the one that Hank cheated on Therese with?" Brad demanded, forcefully, his eyes crackling with some barley contained wrath that being directed at me. Taking a deep breath, I went to tell Brad what was going on when a cool voice broke in,

"It's none of your business, Brad."

Turning back, Brad and I both were both surprised to see Hank skating behind us. Letting go of my upper arm, Brad began to skate away muttering words that he would probably revert later if anyone actually heard them. Confused as hell, I looked back to Hank, who held his arm out for me in a chivalrous manner. Unable to resist I looped my arm through his as he spoke, "He is looking out for his friends."

Sighing, I rubbed my sore shoulder as I reflected on his words to find that they were true. Brad had a little something invested in James, Hank, and I, we were or had been his teammates and we had formed brotherly bonds, which made his loyalties lie upon the tangled web that we had made.

"I know, I would be doing the same if I was in his shoes, but I'm also aware that it wouldn't be my business."
"Yes, I agree that he didn't need to step and ask about things that need to stay private. Neither of us-" Hank concurred as we continued to skate on, but I finished his statement for him,

"Can afford to let this get out... At least, not until everything gets sorted out."

Nodding, Hank smiled, fondly down at me as we continued to skate together. I knew my conscious would wish I hadn't spent so much time with him in the morning.

Later on I found myself glued to Brian Boyle's side during Brad's ugly sweater party, which had turned out to be nothing more than a Christmas themed Halloween party as guys had come decked out in some of their tightest pants and hideous sweaters. Of course, I left little room to talk because of my own outfit. Brandon Dubinsky was Santa for the night and Boyle was ‘Buddy the Elf', who ran up and tackled Dubby,

"SANTA!!!!! I KNOW HIM!!!!"

Face palming in a poor attempt to hide myself from their charades; I slipped back over to Hank's side. I couldn’t help but roll my eyes, when I noticed that he couldn't go a day without wearing a tie.

"What?" He asked, cheekily, as he slipped an arm around my shoulders. Shaking, my head I let Boyle and Dubby harp on him for wearing a tie to a casual party. The night seemed to flow smoothly as a few deserved jabs were taken at Avery when I put my sunglasses on and when Callahan was declared 'Best Dressed'.

Glancing down at the red solo cup in my hand, I decided that I was going to stop for the night. Letting what had happened last time burn a little in the back of my mind as a reminder of the consequences of my drinking habits. Not that another round with Hank wasn't unwelcomed, it was just that I found myself so confused by the situation that I thought had been straightened out, but apparently there were still burning desires on both ends that I needed to look into before they met in the middle and exploded in my face.

Hank had volunteered to drive me home from Brad's considering that Michael and Stephan, my ride here, were still partying it up with no intentions of stopping anytime soon. Getting up from my seat, I followed Hank to his car and hopped in, the doubt I had been feeling increases with every block that passed by. Choosing not to say anything, we let the car ride test us, to see if we could stand the silence together in comfort.

Surprisingly, it wasn't that hard not to talk to him, it was like a balm as my mind drift away from my uncertainties and back to the present. Just like that the short ride was over and I was stepping out of Hank's car as he held the door open for and offered me a hand to help me up. His dazzling smile luring me closer and closer to him until there was hardly any space between us, knowing what was about to happen as I watched Hank lean down to kiss me, I turned my head to give him my cheek. The surprise in his eyes that I saw out of the corner of my eye when his lips met my cheek made me giggle as he straightened himself up,

"See you tomorrow, Mickie." Smiling at him, I nodded and turned to walk into my building after bidding him a farewell as well.

Once, I was safely back in my apartment, I stalked over to couch where Amanda was perched as she watched some old Christmas movies. I didn’t look at her as I sat down with a sigh before resting my head in my hands. Why did I have to be so confused about my situation? There shouldn’t be a decision at all. James should be the one I want, not Hank, not anyone else and yet, every time I looked at my teammate I felt there was something that could be more than what James and I could ever be. Finally, I decided that I needed some womanly advice so I looked to my friend for just that.

“Hank is getting separated from his wife.” I informed her to start off with. She studied me for a moment or two, nodding her head before she spoke up.

“Yeah, Michael told me about that the other day. It’s kinda sad, don’t you think? To be together as long as they have to only be married a few months before their marriage begins to dissolve. I wonder who he fucked. MDZ seemed to pretty adamant that Hank cheating was the only thing that could separate them.”

My best friend had spoken the truth, cheating was the only thing that would destroy Hank’s and Therese’s marriage. I had been informed by many of the guys and their WAGS that she had her doubts about him and hadn’t been fully able to trust him until this past year when she finally agreed to marry him. It seemed like she didn’t trust and I understood where she was coming from, I had been feeling the same way about James for some reason and it scared me how easily it could happen.

“Yeah, that’s been the talk around the locker room. “ I told her, fiddling with my ear rings as I chose to look at the Claymation ‘Little Drummer Boy’ movie that had begun to play, “It’s hard to believe that he could do that to her and not look guilty about it.”

Mandy nodded her head in agreed as she listened to me. I had a feeling that she was beginning to place things together, but wasn’t quite seeing the whole picture as I looked back to her when she asked me, “When do you think it happened? Was it on the road?”

I shrugged, knowing the exact answer to both of her questions but I decided that playing coy would be much better than telling her straight up, “Everyone seems to think it happened during around last trip to Buffalo, but no one can figure out who or when because he went out to dinner the night before with all of us.”
“And you got sent home the next morning because you had gotten drunk that night.” She looked at me, slyly as I felt my mask of indifference fall apart. Not missing my change of expression, she finally put the last pieces of the puzzle together, as the mystery girl Hank had cheated on Therese with was no longer such a mystery. Well, she was a mystery considering that I could never control myself when in that state of mind and I never could understand why I did the things I did. With her accusation, I felt a tear prick at the corner of my eye, “HE CHEATED WITH YOU, DIDN’T HE?”

Nodding, my voice began to dry up with the raw emotions that began to flood me with my admission because I knew that I had committed a severe sin in the eyes of God, “Yeah, I did and I am still having trouble believing it.”

“But you were drunk, so technically he took advantage of you.” To my surprise, Mandy was at least partially on my side with this as she dug deeper into what had happened not two weeks ago, “Is that why you let James come over? Because you felt guilty about having a romp between the sheet with your teammate?”

“Yeah, at first, I was guilty.” I admitted to her.

“But not so much now?” She inquired, softly as she patted my shoulder. She, too, had done something that she thought that she would regret but later hadn’t and understood my confusion, wholly and I was sure that I could rely on her to help get me through this mountain that I faced.

“Yeah, it’s just so hard not to, you know?” I sighed as I thought about the handsome net minder and how safe and warm he made me feel, “It’s like everything that James can’t do, he can and those things are just so important that I can’t help but want Hank more and more and not think of James as much.”

Mandy studied me a moment accessing my words, analyzing what my eyes and posture revealed to her. She was one of the few people who could read me like a book and actually understand where I was coming from. For once, I was grateful to take her advice from which was gathered from her many hook ups and one nightstands. Yawning, she stretched her arms and stood, before she turned back to me to tell me what I needed to hear before she went to bed,

“It sounds like you’re falling in love with Hank, but you’re scared of what might happen with his marriage, which will probably end up in a divorce. Yet, you want to be with James because he has no attachments to speak of and it’s easy for you. My question for you is: who do you want more? Who keeps you up at night because you can’t stop thinking about him? Who is there for you whenever you need him? Who wants to be with you? Once you figure that out. You’ll find out who you really want and probably need to be with.”

Her words left me slightly dazed because I had never thought that the Amanda Thompson that I had come to know while at Boston College could impart such profound words of advice on me ever. It was like our roles had been reserved and in a way they had. I was now the one in a relationship shit storm and she was the one willing to help me through it even before the dust had settled. Taking her words to heart, I turned off the TV so that I would have no interruptions while I worked on figuring who it was I really wanted.