I Lied When I Said I Didn't Love You

Four days.

Four days of no sleeping or eating.

Four days of surviving on black coffee alone.

And three nights staring at Billie’s pale form huddled between those terrifying machines. Sometimes as I stared exhaustedly at the blinking green waves on the monitor in the dark, my mind would begin to play tricks on me. The memories from Jason’s funeral would flash before my eyes, except changed. This time Billie was the silent corpse in the shiny black coffin, and Ollie was the weeping mother draped in black.

And when I ran out, no one was there to comfort me.

I knew my mind was playing tricks on me, but it still terrified me. This could all be a possible future. Who knew if he would ever wake up?

Maybe he’d just slip away in his- no! He wouldn’t! He couldn’t!
That was why I was scared to sleep, sweating as I gripped Billie’s cold hand in the dark. I wouldn’t let go, if I did surely something bad would happen. And I couldn’t afford anything to happen to Billie. He was one of the only things that kept me going. He didn’t know it, though. No one knew it. I wouldn’t let them know.

Everyone knows knowledge equals power. And I don’t want anyone to wield power over me.

My face was prickly and unshaven, dark circles staining under my eyes like bruises. Tre had begged me to please rest, to just sleep instead of punishing myself like this. I always refused, weary and diligent as I guarded Billie’s bedside. I felt like I was the only thing keeping him here, one small slip and he’d be lost to me forever.

One slip.

I couldn’t slip. I couldn’t dare to rest. He would float away from me like a balloon if I did, leaving me to wallow in my own misery and guilt.

He had been close to dying before; when the doctors tried switching the oxygen off to shock his body back to consciousness. I can’t remember too much of it, but Tre told me later that I went completely ape. He said he had to hold me back from beating up one of the doctors. I wouldn’t be surprised. Even though I’m a skinny clumsy weed, I can punch damn hard.

I knew it was my fault the car hit him, even if Tre tried to tell me otherwise. I was the one Billie had sacrificed himself to save, leaping out and taking my fate. If only I had looked where I was going!

Then again, I should’ve known. I know better then anyone that anything can happen. It doesn’t matter who you are and where you stand, something will always happen. And you can’t expect it beforehand.

I mean, if someone told me when I was a kid that by the time I was twenty, I would’ve been raped, assaulted in an alleyway, beaten up and abused numerous times, battled an addiction to alcohol and drugs, been bulimic and a self-harmer I would’ve laughed at them. But it all happened, didn’t it? And so did a lot more.

I watched as the glorious red sun climbed higher in the pink sky, holding my already cold coffee in my hand as I watched the light illuminate Billie’s sleeping face. Kyo had been kind enough to fetch me some coffee an hour earlier. He had spent the last few days popping in to see me, offering to stay up with me all night. He talked a lot, a big bubbling fountain of words shooting out his throat every five seconds. Poor Kyo. He was cute, in a nervous sort of way. I couldn’t shake off the feeling that he chattered so much, filling the space of my silence, because he wanted to hide behind his words. I guess he thought if he kept talking that I wouldn’t notice how battered and abused he was. I hoped one day he’d find solace from his problems.

I never did.

Every time I tried to run from my problems I ran straight into another one. Sometimes I wanted to leap up and break the cruel cycle, but then I would lose all energy and sink back down.
I followed the sun’s steady path of light, seeing it fall across Kyo’s sleeping form. He was curled up like a cat in the chair, his raven hair sticking up in spikes as he twitched and moved in his sleep.
His huge violet eyes blinked for a moment, before opening up fully and resting on me. For a moment, he looked at peace with the world.

“Morning Mike,” he yawned, stretching as he sat up properly in the chair. I felt my eyelids droop as I looked at Kyo. I was exhausted.

The coffee only worked for so long, then it left you tireder then before. Caffeine was no substitute for sleep. But it was all I had.

“Want me to go get you some fresh coffee?” Kyo asked, getting up. I nodded gratefully, tipping my head back and closing my eyes. I wasn’t going to sleep; I was just resting my eyes. It helped, sort of anyway.

In the chair across the other side of Billie’s bed, Ollie slept quietly. I had to ring her about the accident; she came over as quickly as she could. The expression on her face was terrible when she first saw him. Her eyes were clouded and hopeless, suddenly looking very helpless in the bright room. Her face had turned ashen and grey, not changing while she sat with Billie and I. She had experienced the loss of a loved one in her family before, and she knew how easy it was for family members to die like this.

Tre had gone home shortly after she arrived, his face rife with fatigue and sorrow. He and Ollie had never got on too well. Ollie thought Tre brought out the craziness in Billie, and Billie was crazy enough already. And Tre just was wary of her because she was Billie’s mom. Hell, if my mom were around he would’ve been weird about her too. Tre and the moms of his friends never got along.

I stared at Billie’s soft lips under the oxygen mask. He looked just like Sleeping Beauty, waiting for the prince to come in and wake him with a kiss. That was just wishful thinking of course. This was real life, not a fairytale. Kisses didn’t wake up coma victims!

Unless…

No! It was a stupid thought! Only a fool would think something as simple as a kiss would awaken someone from this. I wasn’t a fool.
Then again, what harm would it be to try, my silly side asked silkily. After all, it didn’t matter if it didn’t work.

Oh yes it did, my rational side argued. It didn’t matter how much I was willing to con myself because it wouldn’t work.

I watched Billie, my two sides battling. I felt the blood drumming in my head as I drew closer, pulling down his mask for a second.
Just. Do. It.

I took a deep breath before pressing my lips to his, stupidly expecting a miracle. Nothing happened, of course. I stayed stationery for a moment, feeling his cool lips on mine.

Not a word.

I drew back, sighing quietly. I was an idiot to allow such wishful thinking. A complete and utter idiot.

As I thought, I heard two familiar raised voices in the hall. My head turned towards the door, my brain bewildered.

No- it couldn’t be!

The door burst open. She ran in, her dreadlocks flying as she skidded to a halt.

“A-A-Adrienne?” I asked in disbelief, getting to my feet. Tre had squeezed in behind her, stopping behind me.

“What the hell is she doing here? She’s supposed to be in Minnesota with her boyfriend!” I hissed to him. Tre nodded.

“I know,” he whispered. “I called her about the accident- and about three days later she turns up on our doorstep and orders me to take her to Billie.”

I felt my jaw tighten as I stared at Adrienne. A hot boiling anger simmered in the pit of my stomach, still blaming her for breaking up Billie and I in the first place. I had never quite got over that.

“Oh my God! Is Billie okay?” Adrienne cried, staring in horror at Billie in his nest of machines. I rolled my eyes. He’s in a coma, what the hell do you think?

“Hmm? Oh! Adrienne! What on earth are you doing here?” Ollie asked, waking up with a start. She hastily straightened up, patting down her hair.

“I got on the nearest plane as soon as I heard about the accident,” Adrienne explained, kneeling down beside Billie. Her dark eyelashes flickered as she looked over Billie, taking his hand in hers. I seethed behind her, fighting back the urge to yank her away. What right did she have to burst in here and act like his goddamn lover?

“Yes, well he’s in a coma- Adrienne, what are you doing?”

Adrienne had slid down Billie’s oxygen mask, whispering something into his ear. Then she leant over him, kissing his still lips just like I had before. I felt my fists clench, Tre’s hand on my shoulder as they stiffened like rock. She couldn’t do that! If it wouldn’t work for me, why would it work for her?

But suddenly, Billie’s monitor started going crazy, green lines jumping everywhere. I gasped as he sat bolt upright, his lungs gulping for air. He looked confused at his surroundings, finally staring at Adrienne in delight.

“Adie? What are you doing here? And where am I?” he asked, his eyes darting to his mother then back to Adrienne. Adrienne let out a shriek of delight, wrapping him in a hug. Billie looked startled for a moment, before closing his eyes and burying his nose in her hair. Ollie joined the hug, happy tears streaming down her now coloured cheeks. I stood there silently, ignored as the hugging and kissing went on.

They were all so relived.

I should’ve been happy, but all I felt was confusion and anger. Why did her kiss wake him up, and not mine? I had stayed by his side for four days, barely eating and only leaving to go to the toilet. Then she bursts in, gives him a smooch and it’s all better? What the hell was going on?

A jealous monster was rising in my chest, threatening to break out and destroy the happiness of the people around me.
So I did the only sensible thing I could.

I ran.

Nothing was ever fair for me.

Especially not in love.