I Lied When I Said I Didn't Love You
Headache
I walked down the white corridor, my footsteps seeming to echo in my brain with every step I took. I felt like a smudge on the white floor, making the pristine things look dirty just by existing.
Freak.
You never told him you loved him with all your heart and soul, did you?
You took it for granted while it was there, and then you lay wailing in your own filth instead of trying to get it back.
What’s a matter, wimp? Going to go knock back some booze and make cuts on yourself so you feel better? Maybe you’d like to chuck up your own intestines? Or do you want to cry for a couple of hours?
You never get anything because you never stand up for yourself.
You never work.
Cry baby.
Weakling.
NO! I shrieked in my head, punching the white wall. I doubled over, clutching my hurting hand to my stomach.
I couldn’t see for the white. I was drowning in white.
Ha. I was drowning in white. Funny.
But no, it wasn’t funny. Why did I think it was funny?
I leaned against the wall, my head spinning as the insane thoughts whirled around in my tortured skull. Maybe this time I would really go mad, and they’d lock me up for sure. Locked up. White rooms.
Bright light. No escape. No one else around to hear my cries.
I closed my eyes, filling my lungs with air. I held the air in until I thought I would explode, before exhaling into the empty space.
Better. I could think in proper sentences now. Those short stabs of words had started to frighten me. For a moment I thought I was dying in the whiteness.
I really hated the colour white.
But at least the white had drowned out the red. I could feel my anger coming back, glowing, exploding, expanding in my head, and pressing on my eyeballs.
An ugly screaming monster had arisen in my heart, clawing at my chest, begging to be freed. I could feel its hot stinking breath as every claw sent a huge pain through my ribcage.
I wanted to hurt her. I really wanted to hurt her, make her bleed, make her feel the pain she had made me suffer all this time.
I wanted to hurt her so much that she would leave.
But at the same time, I was scared. I didn’t want to hurt her; I didn’t want to see her in pain. The mere thought of her bleeding chilled my heart down to the core. I wasn’t a violent person, especially not towards girls. I had been taught from an early age that girls had to be protected, and you were not allowed to hurt them in any way.
But I guess Dad forgot that rule when he was fighting with Mom.
My adoptive parents, of course. I have no idea who my Dad is. He could be dead for all I know. All I know about my mother is that she had to let me go because she was a heroin addict. I don’t even know that for sure. Maybe I’m an orphan. Poor little me. No one to be protected by.
No, the monster hissed. She must go. If you want him, take away his distraction. She was the one that ruined everything!
But, why? My inner voice asked. She never meant to do any deliberate harm. And Billie is just as much as fault as she-
NO!
Billie wasn’t at fault. He risked his own life to save mine! He cared about me when no one else would! He stood by me when the whole world thought I was crazy!
He couldn’t be at fault. It wasn’t fair on him! He did so much. I did so little.
I put my hands to my pounding head and groaned. I needed to just stop thinking so much, if I could possibly do that. Did the mind have a little off switch I didn’t know about? Maybe someone could just shut me down, and repair everything broken inside me so I was myself again. Or was this myself? Had I become myself? Who exactly was “myself”?
I banged my head against the wall, trying to stop the endless questions that buzzed around like mosquitos. It helped a little. I banged my head against the wall again, feeling the pain in the front of my head wash away all the thoughts like a giant wave.
Better, but I needed to hit something. I needed to flush the anger away before I could go back.
I looked at the wall uncertainly, my hand still throbbing from my last punch. That would be stupid. I’d better just go run it all off. Running was my cure for everything, it seemed. Running from my problems, running to take away the pain, it was all the same.
I started jogging down the strange halls, not caring where I was going, even less where I ended up. As long as I was away from her right now, I wouldn’t do anything crazy.
I rounded the corner, suddenly stopping as I nearly rammed into a big guy with short spiky black hair. He glared down at me, his yellow tiger eyes narrowed.
“Watch where you’re going, asshole,” he grunted, before turning back around. He was holding someone up by the collar, his or her feet hardly touching the ground. I watched as the feet kicked weakly in the air, their long legs shaking as the big guy smiled scarily at them.
“Thought you could hide out at the hospital, little brother?” he growled menacingly, tightening his grip on the collar. “I think you’ve forgotten about my needs.”
I heard a strangled gasp from the guy he was holding up.
“I’m-sorry,” he choked out past his collar, his voice somewhat familiar.
“Sorry just won’t cut it, little brother. You know what you have to do.”
“Yes-I-know-please-put-me-down-I’m-choking-please,” the victim pleaded, his voice raspy. He sounded like he was on the verge of tears; so desperate to be anywhere but here.
I felt exactly the same way, as I stood unspotted behind the big guy.
“And don’t try and escape me again. I always know where you are. I’ll always find you. You can run, but you’ll never be able to hide long.”
I shivered. His voice was filled with malice and raw hate; it was a wonder that it didn’t strip the flesh off my bones.
“Yes. I know, Daniel,” his capture sighed, little more then a whisper. There was no joy or hope in this voice, just the monotone of someone who has already given up. It was haunting, that voice. It reminded me uncomfortably about myself, that time when I couldn’t even get out of bed because I was sure it wasn’t worth the effort to try.
“Good. I’ll be back for you later. And I promise you, it’ll be rough,” the big guy hissed, finally dropping the smaller guy to the ground. He crumpled in a heap of limbs, gasping for breath under his raven hair.
The big guy laughed cruelly at him, before stalking off down the hall. I waited for him to leave before attempting to help the guy on the floor.
No need to get into any more trouble.
“Are you okay?” I asked, kneeling at his side. He slowly sat up, leaning back against the wall.
“Never been better- Mike? That you?” he suddenly squeaked, stumbling to his feet.
“Kyo?” I asked, the pit of my stomach falling to my feet.
Suddenly everything had become clear about Kyo in about the space of five minutes.
“I’m sorry, I forgot about your coffee,” he mumbled, refusing to look me in the eye. His wall of words had vanished, leaving a scared boy standing alone. I wished I could say something, but my words had vanished too, wisped away by the wind.
“It’s okay. Billie woke up,” I said finally, wishing I hadn’t seen anything at all. Knowledge is power. So why can it be such a burden?
“Oh. That’s great. I’ll- just go back to my room, okay?” he sighed wearily, ruffling his hair with his pale hands. A ring of bruises was already starting to appear around his neck, where the collar had cut into his skin. I winced as I saw this. I should’ve done something. But, as usual, I had been too afraid.
Sometimes I sicken myself.
“Well… bye,” I told him, putting a hand on his shoulder. Kyo turned his head, smiling softly and sadly as he leaned forward to peck me on the cheek.
“Thank you Mike,” he whispered, before walking away. I shrunk back against the wall, ashamed. Why would he say thank you to a person who never did anything? I was a lowly excuse for a human being, for a being in general. Bloody thoughts still plagued my mind, murderous to the touch.
I wanted to hurt her so much my hands ached.
I didn’t want to hurt her.
But I did.
But I didn’t.
But I did.
But I didn’t.
But. I. Did.
I wanted to do something. I wanted to create an explosion of change, blowing everything back to something better. I wanted to scream, create a scene to make everything different.
I was too weak. I couldn’t do anything. I was just one person. I was frightened. I was scarred.
My head was jumbled, scrambled like spaghetti. I needed to sort this all out, before something happened I couldn’t control.
That was when Tre came running around the corner, dragging me back to the hospital room. The first thing I saw was Adrienne, kissing and hugging Billie as he lay back against the pillow.
Something snapped, breaking off and piercing my chest.
I tried to kill her.
No, I didn’t.
Freak.
You never told him you loved him with all your heart and soul, did you?
You took it for granted while it was there, and then you lay wailing in your own filth instead of trying to get it back.
What’s a matter, wimp? Going to go knock back some booze and make cuts on yourself so you feel better? Maybe you’d like to chuck up your own intestines? Or do you want to cry for a couple of hours?
You never get anything because you never stand up for yourself.
You never work.
Cry baby.
Weakling.
NO! I shrieked in my head, punching the white wall. I doubled over, clutching my hurting hand to my stomach.
I couldn’t see for the white. I was drowning in white.
Ha. I was drowning in white. Funny.
But no, it wasn’t funny. Why did I think it was funny?
I leaned against the wall, my head spinning as the insane thoughts whirled around in my tortured skull. Maybe this time I would really go mad, and they’d lock me up for sure. Locked up. White rooms.
Bright light. No escape. No one else around to hear my cries.
I closed my eyes, filling my lungs with air. I held the air in until I thought I would explode, before exhaling into the empty space.
Better. I could think in proper sentences now. Those short stabs of words had started to frighten me. For a moment I thought I was dying in the whiteness.
I really hated the colour white.
But at least the white had drowned out the red. I could feel my anger coming back, glowing, exploding, expanding in my head, and pressing on my eyeballs.
An ugly screaming monster had arisen in my heart, clawing at my chest, begging to be freed. I could feel its hot stinking breath as every claw sent a huge pain through my ribcage.
I wanted to hurt her. I really wanted to hurt her, make her bleed, make her feel the pain she had made me suffer all this time.
I wanted to hurt her so much that she would leave.
But at the same time, I was scared. I didn’t want to hurt her; I didn’t want to see her in pain. The mere thought of her bleeding chilled my heart down to the core. I wasn’t a violent person, especially not towards girls. I had been taught from an early age that girls had to be protected, and you were not allowed to hurt them in any way.
But I guess Dad forgot that rule when he was fighting with Mom.
My adoptive parents, of course. I have no idea who my Dad is. He could be dead for all I know. All I know about my mother is that she had to let me go because she was a heroin addict. I don’t even know that for sure. Maybe I’m an orphan. Poor little me. No one to be protected by.
No, the monster hissed. She must go. If you want him, take away his distraction. She was the one that ruined everything!
But, why? My inner voice asked. She never meant to do any deliberate harm. And Billie is just as much as fault as she-
NO!
Billie wasn’t at fault. He risked his own life to save mine! He cared about me when no one else would! He stood by me when the whole world thought I was crazy!
He couldn’t be at fault. It wasn’t fair on him! He did so much. I did so little.
I put my hands to my pounding head and groaned. I needed to just stop thinking so much, if I could possibly do that. Did the mind have a little off switch I didn’t know about? Maybe someone could just shut me down, and repair everything broken inside me so I was myself again. Or was this myself? Had I become myself? Who exactly was “myself”?
I banged my head against the wall, trying to stop the endless questions that buzzed around like mosquitos. It helped a little. I banged my head against the wall again, feeling the pain in the front of my head wash away all the thoughts like a giant wave.
Better, but I needed to hit something. I needed to flush the anger away before I could go back.
I looked at the wall uncertainly, my hand still throbbing from my last punch. That would be stupid. I’d better just go run it all off. Running was my cure for everything, it seemed. Running from my problems, running to take away the pain, it was all the same.
I started jogging down the strange halls, not caring where I was going, even less where I ended up. As long as I was away from her right now, I wouldn’t do anything crazy.
I rounded the corner, suddenly stopping as I nearly rammed into a big guy with short spiky black hair. He glared down at me, his yellow tiger eyes narrowed.
“Watch where you’re going, asshole,” he grunted, before turning back around. He was holding someone up by the collar, his or her feet hardly touching the ground. I watched as the feet kicked weakly in the air, their long legs shaking as the big guy smiled scarily at them.
“Thought you could hide out at the hospital, little brother?” he growled menacingly, tightening his grip on the collar. “I think you’ve forgotten about my needs.”
I heard a strangled gasp from the guy he was holding up.
“I’m-sorry,” he choked out past his collar, his voice somewhat familiar.
“Sorry just won’t cut it, little brother. You know what you have to do.”
“Yes-I-know-please-put-me-down-I’m-choking-please,” the victim pleaded, his voice raspy. He sounded like he was on the verge of tears; so desperate to be anywhere but here.
I felt exactly the same way, as I stood unspotted behind the big guy.
“And don’t try and escape me again. I always know where you are. I’ll always find you. You can run, but you’ll never be able to hide long.”
I shivered. His voice was filled with malice and raw hate; it was a wonder that it didn’t strip the flesh off my bones.
“Yes. I know, Daniel,” his capture sighed, little more then a whisper. There was no joy or hope in this voice, just the monotone of someone who has already given up. It was haunting, that voice. It reminded me uncomfortably about myself, that time when I couldn’t even get out of bed because I was sure it wasn’t worth the effort to try.
“Good. I’ll be back for you later. And I promise you, it’ll be rough,” the big guy hissed, finally dropping the smaller guy to the ground. He crumpled in a heap of limbs, gasping for breath under his raven hair.
The big guy laughed cruelly at him, before stalking off down the hall. I waited for him to leave before attempting to help the guy on the floor.
No need to get into any more trouble.
“Are you okay?” I asked, kneeling at his side. He slowly sat up, leaning back against the wall.
“Never been better- Mike? That you?” he suddenly squeaked, stumbling to his feet.
“Kyo?” I asked, the pit of my stomach falling to my feet.
Suddenly everything had become clear about Kyo in about the space of five minutes.
“I’m sorry, I forgot about your coffee,” he mumbled, refusing to look me in the eye. His wall of words had vanished, leaving a scared boy standing alone. I wished I could say something, but my words had vanished too, wisped away by the wind.
“It’s okay. Billie woke up,” I said finally, wishing I hadn’t seen anything at all. Knowledge is power. So why can it be such a burden?
“Oh. That’s great. I’ll- just go back to my room, okay?” he sighed wearily, ruffling his hair with his pale hands. A ring of bruises was already starting to appear around his neck, where the collar had cut into his skin. I winced as I saw this. I should’ve done something. But, as usual, I had been too afraid.
Sometimes I sicken myself.
“Well… bye,” I told him, putting a hand on his shoulder. Kyo turned his head, smiling softly and sadly as he leaned forward to peck me on the cheek.
“Thank you Mike,” he whispered, before walking away. I shrunk back against the wall, ashamed. Why would he say thank you to a person who never did anything? I was a lowly excuse for a human being, for a being in general. Bloody thoughts still plagued my mind, murderous to the touch.
I wanted to hurt her so much my hands ached.
I didn’t want to hurt her.
But I did.
But I didn’t.
But I did.
But I didn’t.
But. I. Did.
I wanted to do something. I wanted to create an explosion of change, blowing everything back to something better. I wanted to scream, create a scene to make everything different.
I was too weak. I couldn’t do anything. I was just one person. I was frightened. I was scarred.
My head was jumbled, scrambled like spaghetti. I needed to sort this all out, before something happened I couldn’t control.
That was when Tre came running around the corner, dragging me back to the hospital room. The first thing I saw was Adrienne, kissing and hugging Billie as he lay back against the pillow.
Something snapped, breaking off and piercing my chest.
I tried to kill her.
No, I didn’t.