I Lied When I Said I Didn't Love You
Violence Causes Violence
After I stepped into the room, I stopped seeing things normally. A crimson mist descended over my vision as I felt the hate burn a tattoo in the back of my head.
I couldn’t remember much of what happened. It seemed all so fast.
Looking back on it later, it felt like I was viewing stills from a movie. One moment I was beside the bed, grabbing Adie’s shoulder roughly, her dreadlocks bouncing dementedly as I shook her. Everything was being played in a much slower speed. Sounds were muffled, like I had wrapped a pillow around my head. Lips were moving but nothing was there.
A sudden flash, and I found myself pinning her to the wall by her dark hair, her brown eyes wide with sudden fear. I can’t remember what I was saying, but I could feel myself screaming, the pressure ripping apart my throat.
She had no right. She ruined it all.
My hands wound up around her trembling throat- all control had vanished. No sanity was left here, nothing but primal urges to quench.
Then everything went black, and I felt myself falling down a long dark tunnel. Before I succumbed to the void, I found myself suddenly thinking to myself, the realisation suddenly hitting hard.
Oh no, what the hell had I just done?
What
.
.
.
The
.
.
.
Hell
.
.
.
Had
.
.
.
I
.
.
.
Done
.
.
.
?
When I came to I was lying on a makeshift bed in Billie’s room, my aching head propped sideways up on a pillow. I blinked, trying to get rid of the blur in front of my eyes. My head throbbed silently, a low dull ache. I groaned while I was trying to sit up, as I gingerly touched the back of my head.
“Look, he’s finally come around,” I heard a familiar voice say from across the room.
“Good! Now I can fucking kill him!” I heard someone hiss, like a cold drop of water hitting a sizzling flame. I closed my eyes as I finally managed to get up, kneading my forehead with knuckles.
Suddenly I felt someone forcefully shove me back down, two strong hands clenched around my arms and trapping me on the bed.
“You bastard! You stupid asshole!” Billie burst out, his face inches away from me as his green eyes narrowed and glared angrily.
“Billie, I’m sorry-“ I tried to say.
“Sorry? You fucking liar! You knew what you were doing! You wanted to HURT HER!” Billie suddenly screamed into my face, the volume of his voice going into my head and hitting the centre of my headache like a bomb.
“I didn’t mean to-“
“Fucking right you did! I SAW you! You tried to STRANGLE her! I hadn’t seen and knocked you out- fuck, you could have killed her! Why did you do it? EVERYTHING WAS GOING FINE FOR ONCE!”
“If you’d just let me try and explain-“
Billie suddenly roared, diving on top of me, his nails ripping into my skin as he attacked me. I tried to shove him away, but he had gone completely wild, tearing at my hair and clothes, punch after punch raining down like deadly hail.
“FUCK YOU! Fuck you, Mike! FUCK YOU!”
“Billie? BILLIE! Get off him!” Tre shouted shrilly, leaping forward and dragging the livid Billie away. He held him firmly in a bear hug, restraining him from doing anything else. Billie snarled and twisted in Tre’s grasp, fury darkening his gaze as he fought to get to me.
Finally he stopped, panting for breath. Tre still didn’t dare to release him, watchful as Billie glowered.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” I asked, shoulders heaving as I got up and faced him. He spat at me, lunging forward. Tre tightened his grip, pulling him back.
“You know what! You nearly strangled the person who I have been trying to win back for the last fucking year or so! I was so close, Mike! So damn close! She had flown all the way over here just for me- she fucking kissed me for crying out loud! But you- you stupid selfish asshole- you blew it all in one fucking minute! You knew how much I loved her, so you had to do something about it, didn’t you? No, of course I couldn’t be happy for once- you just had to RUIN it. And what kind of psycho tries to strangle someone like that? You are so fucking lucky I didn’t call the cops on you. You are so fucking lucky.”
“Where’s Adie now?” I asked timidly. I’d fucked up again. And I had no one to blame it on now.
It was all utterly my fault, my own stupid actions and lack of control. Billie was right- I was selfish.
“She ran away, didn’t she?” Billie said bitterly. “You scared her off- well done Mike. You single-handedly managed to destroy the only thing I ever cared about. You must be so fucking proud.”
I stared down at my feet, the wreckage I had caused pooling around me in a great black sea. I wasn’t proud. I was ashamed.
Just a selfish, bitter asshole, that was all I was now. The ruiner, the bad luck, the dysfunctional piece in an otherwise perfect situation, the spanner in the works.
I was a destroyer.
“Get out,” Billie said quietly, his face set into stone.
“What?” I said, looking up.
“You heard me. Get out.”
“Billie-“
“Get the fuck out. I don’t want to see you. I don’t want to hear you. Just leave.”
I stared at him for a moment in shock.
“You- you don’t mean it- do you?” I stuttered.
“I said, GET THE FUCK OUT!” Billie screamed, breaking from Tre’s grip and lifting his fist. I was too slow to dodge the punch he dealt me, hitting my jaw, the impact spinning me around. I winced as I touched where he had just punched me, a purple blush coming up over the spot like wild fire. He had knocked me to the floor, where I sat like a limp doll.
I looked up fearfully at Billie, expecting more screams and pain. He was looking down at his still clenched fist like it didn’t belong to him, like someone else had just punched me. As I watched, I saw his twin green eyes fill with water, gleaming sadly.
“Just go, Mike. Please, just go,” he begged, turning his back on me. He stared at the wall, his head bowed. Tre pulled me to my feet, one eye still on Billie.
“Come on,” he muttered, dragging me out of the room.
We hurried down the hallway; Tre was still pulling me along. My other hand rested on my cheek, over where Billie had punched me. It tingled, a low throb pulsing along my jaw.
“Where are we going?” I asked quietly. Tre shrugged, hauling me
out of the hospital doors and down the street.
“Nowhere. Anywhere,” he mumbled, staring down the badly lit area like he was searching for something particular. His eyes finally stopped on a dingy looking bar. He walked across the road with me in tow, pushing open the creaking wooden door. We went in, looking around at our dishevelled surroundings. It was mostly wood, with some black scorch marks around the walls. Little plastic tables sat around covered in gaudy red and white chequered tablecloths, melting candles dripping wax in the centre. The bar itself was lit by a supermarket strip that flashed on and off, its green light barely brightening up the place. Just as well. It didn’t look too clean.
Tre yanked me down onto a stool, sitting down himself beside me. He called out to the bar tender, quickly ordering six beers. I sat in silence, watching my fingers leave trails in the dust. I was still shaken up, my hand quivering as I lay them on the counter. Tre pressed one of the beers into my hands, seeing me tremble.
“Tre- I didn’t mean to- I would never purposely-“ I began. Tre shook his head, lifting the beer to my mouth.
“Don’t talk about it. Just drink, okay?” he told me, turning away to take his own advice.
So did I.
I couldn’t remember much of what happened. It seemed all so fast.
Looking back on it later, it felt like I was viewing stills from a movie. One moment I was beside the bed, grabbing Adie’s shoulder roughly, her dreadlocks bouncing dementedly as I shook her. Everything was being played in a much slower speed. Sounds were muffled, like I had wrapped a pillow around my head. Lips were moving but nothing was there.
A sudden flash, and I found myself pinning her to the wall by her dark hair, her brown eyes wide with sudden fear. I can’t remember what I was saying, but I could feel myself screaming, the pressure ripping apart my throat.
She had no right. She ruined it all.
My hands wound up around her trembling throat- all control had vanished. No sanity was left here, nothing but primal urges to quench.
Then everything went black, and I felt myself falling down a long dark tunnel. Before I succumbed to the void, I found myself suddenly thinking to myself, the realisation suddenly hitting hard.
Oh no, what the hell had I just done?
What
.
.
.
The
.
.
.
Hell
.
.
.
Had
.
.
.
I
.
.
.
Done
.
.
.
?
When I came to I was lying on a makeshift bed in Billie’s room, my aching head propped sideways up on a pillow. I blinked, trying to get rid of the blur in front of my eyes. My head throbbed silently, a low dull ache. I groaned while I was trying to sit up, as I gingerly touched the back of my head.
“Look, he’s finally come around,” I heard a familiar voice say from across the room.
“Good! Now I can fucking kill him!” I heard someone hiss, like a cold drop of water hitting a sizzling flame. I closed my eyes as I finally managed to get up, kneading my forehead with knuckles.
Suddenly I felt someone forcefully shove me back down, two strong hands clenched around my arms and trapping me on the bed.
“You bastard! You stupid asshole!” Billie burst out, his face inches away from me as his green eyes narrowed and glared angrily.
“Billie, I’m sorry-“ I tried to say.
“Sorry? You fucking liar! You knew what you were doing! You wanted to HURT HER!” Billie suddenly screamed into my face, the volume of his voice going into my head and hitting the centre of my headache like a bomb.
“I didn’t mean to-“
“Fucking right you did! I SAW you! You tried to STRANGLE her! I hadn’t seen and knocked you out- fuck, you could have killed her! Why did you do it? EVERYTHING WAS GOING FINE FOR ONCE!”
“If you’d just let me try and explain-“
Billie suddenly roared, diving on top of me, his nails ripping into my skin as he attacked me. I tried to shove him away, but he had gone completely wild, tearing at my hair and clothes, punch after punch raining down like deadly hail.
“FUCK YOU! Fuck you, Mike! FUCK YOU!”
“Billie? BILLIE! Get off him!” Tre shouted shrilly, leaping forward and dragging the livid Billie away. He held him firmly in a bear hug, restraining him from doing anything else. Billie snarled and twisted in Tre’s grasp, fury darkening his gaze as he fought to get to me.
Finally he stopped, panting for breath. Tre still didn’t dare to release him, watchful as Billie glowered.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” I asked, shoulders heaving as I got up and faced him. He spat at me, lunging forward. Tre tightened his grip, pulling him back.
“You know what! You nearly strangled the person who I have been trying to win back for the last fucking year or so! I was so close, Mike! So damn close! She had flown all the way over here just for me- she fucking kissed me for crying out loud! But you- you stupid selfish asshole- you blew it all in one fucking minute! You knew how much I loved her, so you had to do something about it, didn’t you? No, of course I couldn’t be happy for once- you just had to RUIN it. And what kind of psycho tries to strangle someone like that? You are so fucking lucky I didn’t call the cops on you. You are so fucking lucky.”
“Where’s Adie now?” I asked timidly. I’d fucked up again. And I had no one to blame it on now.
It was all utterly my fault, my own stupid actions and lack of control. Billie was right- I was selfish.
“She ran away, didn’t she?” Billie said bitterly. “You scared her off- well done Mike. You single-handedly managed to destroy the only thing I ever cared about. You must be so fucking proud.”
I stared down at my feet, the wreckage I had caused pooling around me in a great black sea. I wasn’t proud. I was ashamed.
Just a selfish, bitter asshole, that was all I was now. The ruiner, the bad luck, the dysfunctional piece in an otherwise perfect situation, the spanner in the works.
I was a destroyer.
“Get out,” Billie said quietly, his face set into stone.
“What?” I said, looking up.
“You heard me. Get out.”
“Billie-“
“Get the fuck out. I don’t want to see you. I don’t want to hear you. Just leave.”
I stared at him for a moment in shock.
“You- you don’t mean it- do you?” I stuttered.
“I said, GET THE FUCK OUT!” Billie screamed, breaking from Tre’s grip and lifting his fist. I was too slow to dodge the punch he dealt me, hitting my jaw, the impact spinning me around. I winced as I touched where he had just punched me, a purple blush coming up over the spot like wild fire. He had knocked me to the floor, where I sat like a limp doll.
I looked up fearfully at Billie, expecting more screams and pain. He was looking down at his still clenched fist like it didn’t belong to him, like someone else had just punched me. As I watched, I saw his twin green eyes fill with water, gleaming sadly.
“Just go, Mike. Please, just go,” he begged, turning his back on me. He stared at the wall, his head bowed. Tre pulled me to my feet, one eye still on Billie.
“Come on,” he muttered, dragging me out of the room.
We hurried down the hallway; Tre was still pulling me along. My other hand rested on my cheek, over where Billie had punched me. It tingled, a low throb pulsing along my jaw.
“Where are we going?” I asked quietly. Tre shrugged, hauling me
out of the hospital doors and down the street.
“Nowhere. Anywhere,” he mumbled, staring down the badly lit area like he was searching for something particular. His eyes finally stopped on a dingy looking bar. He walked across the road with me in tow, pushing open the creaking wooden door. We went in, looking around at our dishevelled surroundings. It was mostly wood, with some black scorch marks around the walls. Little plastic tables sat around covered in gaudy red and white chequered tablecloths, melting candles dripping wax in the centre. The bar itself was lit by a supermarket strip that flashed on and off, its green light barely brightening up the place. Just as well. It didn’t look too clean.
Tre yanked me down onto a stool, sitting down himself beside me. He called out to the bar tender, quickly ordering six beers. I sat in silence, watching my fingers leave trails in the dust. I was still shaken up, my hand quivering as I lay them on the counter. Tre pressed one of the beers into my hands, seeing me tremble.
“Tre- I didn’t mean to- I would never purposely-“ I began. Tre shook his head, lifting the beer to my mouth.
“Don’t talk about it. Just drink, okay?” he told me, turning away to take his own advice.
So did I.