I Lied When I Said I Didn't Love You

Several days had past since that incident between Tre and I.

I was quiet now and barely speaking on the rare occasion I wasn’t isolating myself.
I would be lying if I didn’t say I wish it had never happened. The atmosphere around the apartment was filled with tension and awkward silences, the only sound came from the various excuses Tre and I made up so we didn’t have to talk.

Billie had come back two days after, laughing and smiling. Apparently Adrienne had called him to say it didn’t matter and as soon as she fixed up some things in Minnesota she was coming to visit again. She had brightened him up considerably, as well as the fact he had been discharged.

I had to admit, she was a lot stronger then I thought.

I kept thinking about ringing Adrienne up to tell her how sorry I was. But every time my fingers hovered over the plastic numbers, something would stop me, like an invisible barrier had been set up. Sometimes it was a welcome distraction, mostly just my own blank cowardice.

And the fact I still resented her.

Billie hadn’t attempted to talk to me about the scene in the hospital room either, even though the bruises on my face and arms were clear against my whitening skin. He blanked it out like it had never happened, going over it with a wet cloth and sponging his memory clean.

I wished I could have the power to do that, to simply ignore the truth when things went tough. That night was all I could think about, the resentment and regrets haunting my dreams as my fevered body tried to rest. I had felt so strange lately, my head aching, always too hot. Maybe I was coming down with some kind of sickness, or the fatigue was finally getting to me. I hadn’t slept properly since before Billie’s accident, or bothered to eat properly either. My diet now basically consisted of coffee and cigarettes. My stomach moaned and growled; I could hear the liquids swirling around in the emptiness whenever I lay down. Of course I didn’t try and make it stop, never indulging myself in needed nourishment. I didn’t try to do anything these days.

I couldn’t describe the feeling that was haunting my being, the only thing close to it would be general weirdness mixed with darkening nothingness. It was like something had started to eat me away from the inside, my body corroding more every second I didn’t speak. Soon I would be an empty shell, my mind hollowed out so nothing gazed out my eyes.

I didn’t know why this was happening.

Correction, I did know. I knew exactly why. But I wouldn’t dare speak of it, my heart growing tired under my silent burden.

I thought about it enough, though. Every time I saw Tre it would hit me, leaving me dumb and speechless. It did the same to him; he would duck away into the shadows and avoid my eyes. He was frightened of me now, not because I would physically hurt him, but more of what I might say. He was afraid of the horrible words my mouth could give birth to, sentences falling out my mouth like toads and venomous snakes.

You know how everyone always says, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me”? They are idiots, deluded and superficial idiots. Words can hurt worse then a thousand arrows in the chest, the pain worse then a red-hot poker through your skull. Words could bring tears much faster then pain. One sentence could loge into your brain like a bullet, infecting your thoughts and dreams as the wound deepened through time. Words are weapons; the tongue is sharper then the sword. They have the power to change everything, proving that you don’t need weapons to scar a person for life. It was worse then mutilating the body- it was mutilating the soul.

I would never do that to Tre.

He didn’t deserve to be torn like that, to be hurt so deeply the feeling never quite went away.

I should know. I lived with that feeling for what seems like an eternity.

Billie had noticed the way Tre and I tried to stay away from each other, our strange behaviour and my refusal to eat or sleep. We seemed to always be ducking in and out of rooms, the cost of facing each other seeming much worse then making people suspicious. And Billie was very suspicious. He hadn’t said anything yet, but I knew it was only a matter of time before he did. I could see it in his thoughtful eyes, as he studied our actions like a scientist. The waiting for him to just out and say it was agony. It was a ticking time bomb waiting to go off and ignite us all, burning us to the core.

Finally, it went off.

Tre had gone out to Gilman, so I had dared to come out of my room and watch some mind-numbing TV, be hypnotised by the soft white-blue glow. But my eyes weren’t focused on the screen; instead I stared at my fingers as they moved around, drumming on my knees nervously. Billie was sprawled on the couch beside me, not watching the flickering screen either. I could feel his stern gaze on the back of my neck, hear the way he cleared his throat before he decided to say anything catastrophic.

In a way, it was like the roman emperor, antagonising the poor gladiator with the choice of life or death.

“Mike, what the hell is up with you and Tre?” he suddenly asked, his head cocked sideways as he studied my reaction. My back went poker straight, my heart rate starting to rise.

“Huh? Why? Nothings wrong. Nothings happening,” I said much too quickly, staring straight ahead and trying to ignore his burning stare.

“Oh come on, don’t give me that! You guys have been tiptoeing around each other for days! Honestly, I’ve never known Tre to be this quiet- ever!”

“Nothing is wrong, okay? Just leave it,” I muttered insistently, looking away before he made me look him in the eye. If I had to make eye contact, I would most certainly spill my secrets.

“God, stop being so secretive. You’re acting like you fucked each other or something,” Billie remarked; unaware of just how true his sentence rang clear through my conscience.
I sat in silence, my head bowed. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t think. He had hit too close to home, driving every word out of my and striking me dumb. I had no time to think up a plausible story, or pretend to laugh. The seconds seemed like hours- yet it still didn’t give me any time to think. My own mind was betraying me.

Billie noticed my silence at once, staring at me in shock. I could see the cogs working in his brain as he pieced it together, suddenly all coming together in one embarrassing, painful package.

“Oh… no… you didn’t…. please tell me you didn’t,” he said hoarsely, sliding off onto the floor in front of me, looking up desperately at me and hoping I’d prove him wrong. I turned away, staring at the wall until my gaze could burn a hole in it. All of a sudden I couldn’t face him- couldn’t stare into those mesmerising, almost angelic green eyes and lie through my teeth.

“Do- do you really want the truth?” I said finally, shocked to hear my own voice shaking, my heart thudding like a jackhammer under my shirt. The ugly truth had scratched its way to the surface, emerging in a sudden burst of anxiety and shock. I could almost feel the claws scraping across my ribs, playing a demented tune as it cackled while dragging me down.

The truth was dark.

The truth was pain.

And the truth was no longer out of sight.

Billie shook his head, his gaze firmly planted on the floor as his shoulders sagged in realization. I didn’t dare to breathe as he sat like this, the mere time seeming like a slow, agonising death sentence.

“I… I don’t know what to say… Mike,” he said finally, tilting his woeful head back up, his face an expression of helplessness. “I really don’t know.”

“You don’t have to say anything. I know what I am. I know what I did. And- and- I fucking hate myself for it, okay?” I heard myself say, my alien sharp, angry voice tearing strips off my flesh, whittling me away. I could myself dissolve away, my very being fleeing. It was kind of like falling away, realising there was no light at the end of the tunnel, and you’d been running into the black all this time.

So this was what it was like to die inside.

No pain, just the horrible feeling of losing every emotion you ever felt in your life, all the cares and worries slipping away, but not in the good way.

In the way that made sure you would never care about anything ever again.

Not even if, for years, that person had been your soul desire.

“Oh, God, Mike,” I suddenly heard Billie sigh heavily, jerking me back from my dreadful disappearing. He had shuffled closer to me, draping a loose arm around my tight shoulders. “What happened to you?”

He hugged me tightly, his sorrowful face buried in my shoulder. It took me a moment to realise he was crying, strange sad noises like an orphaned baby bird falling from his throat out into the open air. He lifted his head to stare at me, his cheeks wet and eyes blurry.

“The world’s changed you, Mike. And- I don’t like what they’ve done to you,” he sniffed, his eyelashes slick from the tears as he continued to gaze in that hopeless, beseeching way. I felt myself slide away, isolating myself. All of a sudden I couldn’t stand him, couldn’t stand the way he cried and just expected me to handle it. He expected me to handle a lot.

But I couldn’t cope with the load.

“No- you don’t get it- I’m the same,” I stuttered, frightened by this sudden display of inner emotion.

“No you’re not. You haven’t been the same since- since-“
“Don’t say it! DON’T SAY IT!” I suddenly screamed like a wretched banshee, jumping to my feet. Billie’s thick crystal tears stopped falling as he heard me, his shoulders tensing.

“Mike-“

“Don’t say it! Don’t you DARE say it had anything to with us!”

“But you- you took it so badly-“

“Sure, you STABBED me in the back! You CHEATED on me! You took my feelings and STOMPED on them! But I am SANE! I am NORMAL. And NO ONE can take that away from me!” I yelled, my throat tearing and splitting from the strain. I didn’t feel better, even though I was throwing off some of that horrible, unbearable load. It felt worse. It felt like instead of healing, the wounds had turned to ulcerous holes, growing wider with each tortured breath.

“There’s something wrong with you, Mike. You have to admit it!” Billie pleaded, grabbing my arm in an effort to try and break through. I pushed him away, shaking my head sadly.

“Do you know how much pain you put me through then, Billie?” I said quietly, finally staring him back in the eyes. “Every waking moment, it felt like someone had jabbed a burning knife into my heart and kept twisting it around, gouging out pieces of me and incinerating them. I thought millions of knives were cutting away at my very being, no matter how much I drugged myself into a stupor. Sleep was the only relief. So if you try and drag me back there, so help me Billie I will die. That’s a promise I keep.”

That was the moment I finally didn’t care.

And the moment where the pain became too real.

Before he could say anything more, I walked out of the room, locking myself in the bathroom and resting my head on the cool tiles as I gazed at myself in the dirty mirror.
My eyes were dead and cold, every dream and feeling turned into a black void.

It was too late, Billie.

No one could save me now.

I was already dead.

And you were the person who pulled the trigger.