I Lied When I Said I Didn't Love You
Revealing The Other Side
Billie’s P.O.V
Mike, you fool. You sad, tortured soul of a fool.
How can you think I’m so blind?
Do you not see how many silent tears I always shed for you, for us, and the something that could never be?
Don’t you see how much I wanted things to be different?
But no, you never realised. When it got too much for you, you withdrew from the world, choosing isolation instead of help, a hiding place instead of a guiding hand. You started to act strange, your own mind playing unfair pranks on you. Even before that night where hearts cracked and silence roamed, that night you told me to leave, you hadn’t been yourself.
Maybe that was the reason why I fell for Adie. I craved stability and I needed someone to just love me without needing me so much. I couldn’t take the constant hurt that you heaped on me, the feeling I could never just erase the things that happened.
Fuck, Mike. Our relationship was already breaking up, even before I cheated by trying to love two people at the same time.
Maybe you didn’t see it. Maybe your poor soul couldn’t bear to recognise what was happening, deluding itself that everything was fine and dandy. It was all far from perfect, Mike. You were scared of everything, including yourself. I can’t count the many times you hit me when you got in a panic, about things that weren’t even real. Your self-destructive behaviour was already apparent before we broke up and you were already sliding down into that pit of self-loathing. Now I know why you seemed to hate yourself so much, not caring what happened to your frail body. But at the time, without any information, I couldn’t deal with it.
I wasn’t as strong as you thought.
Was I meant to guess you had been raped? Was I meant to fly in, the fucking fairy godmother, and wave my wand to make it all better?
Did you expect me to be sane and rational for you?
I couldn’t do it. I’m far from sane and rational. You knew that. You were always forced to wind me down when I had a strange turn.
Maybe it was my fault for forcing you to take charge of me like that.
Maybe you thought I could do the same.
We were both unstable people. You still seem to be an unstable person. I managed to settle myself down more, stop myself hurtling off the edge of the world. You went the opposite way, dancing on the edge of the cliff, a victim of circumstance. Why all these terrible things plagued you, I wish I knew. Why you don’t let anyone help, I also wish desperately I knew.
This self-destruction you practise hurts the people around you. Like the bystanders of a terrible accident, we watch you in shocked silence, hoping something will happen to stop it and make everything okay. From mutilating your own familiar body until it was unrecognisable, to deliberately putting yourself in situations so you would get hurt, I see my old friend and lover disappearing with every blow.
Tre was an idiot. He should never have done that with you. He should’ve known better, to keep his stupid crush to himself. I told him time and time again you were emotionally too delicate for anything big like that to happen. But he still did it, maybe wrecking the thin membranes that still let you cling to normality.
Who the hell am I kidding with all this talk, pretending I still know you? I don’t know you anymore- hell; maybe I never did in the first place but thought I might.
The silence behind the locked door seems to be drowning me, as I sit with my ear pressed up against the bathroom door. I pray silently you don’t do anything stupid. I pray that in the silence, you are still alive.
But knowing you, you are probably dying as I think, body spread across the cold tiles in a sad, crumpled heap.
Please come out, Mike.
Come out and tell me you’re going to be okay.
I don’t think I trust my own thoughts anymore.
Mike, you fool. You sad, tortured soul of a fool.
How can you think I’m so blind?
Do you not see how many silent tears I always shed for you, for us, and the something that could never be?
Don’t you see how much I wanted things to be different?
But no, you never realised. When it got too much for you, you withdrew from the world, choosing isolation instead of help, a hiding place instead of a guiding hand. You started to act strange, your own mind playing unfair pranks on you. Even before that night where hearts cracked and silence roamed, that night you told me to leave, you hadn’t been yourself.
Maybe that was the reason why I fell for Adie. I craved stability and I needed someone to just love me without needing me so much. I couldn’t take the constant hurt that you heaped on me, the feeling I could never just erase the things that happened.
Fuck, Mike. Our relationship was already breaking up, even before I cheated by trying to love two people at the same time.
Maybe you didn’t see it. Maybe your poor soul couldn’t bear to recognise what was happening, deluding itself that everything was fine and dandy. It was all far from perfect, Mike. You were scared of everything, including yourself. I can’t count the many times you hit me when you got in a panic, about things that weren’t even real. Your self-destructive behaviour was already apparent before we broke up and you were already sliding down into that pit of self-loathing. Now I know why you seemed to hate yourself so much, not caring what happened to your frail body. But at the time, without any information, I couldn’t deal with it.
I wasn’t as strong as you thought.
Was I meant to guess you had been raped? Was I meant to fly in, the fucking fairy godmother, and wave my wand to make it all better?
Did you expect me to be sane and rational for you?
I couldn’t do it. I’m far from sane and rational. You knew that. You were always forced to wind me down when I had a strange turn.
Maybe it was my fault for forcing you to take charge of me like that.
Maybe you thought I could do the same.
We were both unstable people. You still seem to be an unstable person. I managed to settle myself down more, stop myself hurtling off the edge of the world. You went the opposite way, dancing on the edge of the cliff, a victim of circumstance. Why all these terrible things plagued you, I wish I knew. Why you don’t let anyone help, I also wish desperately I knew.
This self-destruction you practise hurts the people around you. Like the bystanders of a terrible accident, we watch you in shocked silence, hoping something will happen to stop it and make everything okay. From mutilating your own familiar body until it was unrecognisable, to deliberately putting yourself in situations so you would get hurt, I see my old friend and lover disappearing with every blow.
Tre was an idiot. He should never have done that with you. He should’ve known better, to keep his stupid crush to himself. I told him time and time again you were emotionally too delicate for anything big like that to happen. But he still did it, maybe wrecking the thin membranes that still let you cling to normality.
Who the hell am I kidding with all this talk, pretending I still know you? I don’t know you anymore- hell; maybe I never did in the first place but thought I might.
The silence behind the locked door seems to be drowning me, as I sit with my ear pressed up against the bathroom door. I pray silently you don’t do anything stupid. I pray that in the silence, you are still alive.
But knowing you, you are probably dying as I think, body spread across the cold tiles in a sad, crumpled heap.
Please come out, Mike.
Come out and tell me you’re going to be okay.
I don’t think I trust my own thoughts anymore.