I Lied When I Said I Didn't Love You

Mike’s P.O.V

He had saved me again.

He had saved me from falling, pulling me back from the brink of an endless torture-filled abyss. He had saved me from my own mind, reaching in innocently and plucking out the bad like the seeds from an overripe fruit.

I didn’t deserve him, probably never did.

But here he was, his head propped up on my shoulder as he quietly slept, occasionally sighing into my neck as he dreamt of things unknown. He had drifted off like that after staying with me all day and half the night, talking and laughing together like my almost breakdown had never occurred. Who knows, maybe it never did. Maybe none of it ever did. Maybe I fell asleep that night when I was cooking Billie dinner and all the heartbreak was just a terrible dream I took awhile to wake up from.

Wishful thinking indeed, I told myself as I watched Billie’s chest rise and fall beside me. Those years had happened and I had all the proof I needed, notched in my arms and carved in Billie’s skull. All these events had left their mark, whether literally or just figuratively. Bruises fade and go, but scars always remain. They may fade over time, but you never forget them. They become a part of you just as much as your own soul, etched deep into your mind. Sometimes you can leave them behind for an hour or so, getting back into your life with smiles that aren’t painted on. But at the end of the day, they always remain.
I watched him quietly breathing in the darkness, feeling like a mere witness to life. I had an urge to reach out, to put my head on his chest and hear the pound of his heart in my ear. I wanted to be aware of his life, to have the knowledge of how human he was, how amazingly intricate he was. His blood, his heart, his mind all fascinated me deeply. How could he simply just be? He was so exquisite, so refined- no wonder I had thought he was an angel. He looked like one, fallen to earth.

Others didn’t think much of his looks, referring to him as homely. But they had never just stopped and observed his features under such scrutiny. Otherwise you couldn’t see the beauty of his full, plump lips, the angular shape of his face. They couldn’t see the beauty in his twinkling grassy green eyes, a rare shade that seemed to sparkle as they looked at you…

Billie had opened his eyes and was watching me watching him with amusement, a small smile on his girlish lips. He yawned, cricking his neck as he moved away from me.

“Don’t you know it’s considered creepy when you watch people sleep?” he teased me, his eyelids still half-closed like he was in the middle of batting his eyelids. I shrugged quietly, returning his gentle smile.

“ What woke you up?” I asked, watching as he settled into a more comfortable position beside me. Billie mirrored my shrug.

“I have no idea. Maybe it was the horrible feeling I was being watched.”

“Okay, I get it already.”

“I’m just joking with you, Mike. It doesn’t bother me that much,” Billie yawned, arching his back as he stretched. “Kind of comforting, really. Like I’m being watched over, you know.”

“Well you were being watched over…”

“Not by you! Like, a guardian angel or something.”

“Guardian angel?” I had to ask. Billie rarely spoke like that. In fact, I had got the impression over the years he didn’t really believe in stuff like that. He never was keen to talk about death or what came after directly- sure, he could write songs about it, but giving a straight answer was rare. He’d tighten his lips and look away, trying to dodge out of the questions. Billie never had liked people trying to talk to him about his personal life.

“Yeah,” he muttered, suddenly seeming to be very interested in his hands. “I know, it sounds stupid.”

I didn’t think it sounded stupid. I may not believe in much, but I knew for a fact it was always comforting to think someone was watching over you.

Whether it is a God, spirit, angel or any other kind of watching being, sometimes people just needed to think something wouldn’t let them come to harm.

But I didn’t say anything to him at that moment. I couldn’t formulate what I was thinking into an understandable format for him. So instead I put an arm around him, figuring actions would speak louder then words. Billie snuggled under my arm, sighing as he leant against me, closing his eyes.

“Mike, do you ever wonder what you’d do if you could go back in time and stop something happening?” he asked suddenly, his eyes still closed. I froze instantly, immediately expecting a trick question. There was plenty of this that I wish I could go back in time and change- being raped, abused, losing Sasha, leaving Kyo to the mercy of his brother (not that he had any mercy), nearly strangling Adie, sleeping with Tre.

And letting Billie leave.

He still felt as crucial to me as air, except he left me short of breath. He was my everything, my nothing and all that was in between. I would gladly trade all food, water and light just for an hour of his affections, just to stroke his baby face…

By this time, Billie had resumed speaking. With difficulty I tore free of my sudden paralysis, struggling to tune into what he was saying.

“… You know, just, since being in that coma… I’ve just… I’ve just kept thinking about my Dad… wondering… wondering if… if things would’ve been different. If he hadn’t… he hadn’t…”

Billie broke off, his eyes glinting painfully in the moonlight. His lips pressed together in a thin line as he tilted his eyes, squinting them shut. A pearly tear slid free of his tightly compressed eyelids despite his efforts to hold it back; it slid down his cheek like a raindrop off a clean window. I suddenly realised where all this talk of guardian angels had come about from, shamed by the fact I hadn’t figured it out sooner. Of course he would’ve been thinking about Andy after the accident- he had nearly gone the same way as his father, after all. Also, it was getting nearer to September. And Billie’s emotions were always at their wildest around that time.

Clumsily, I wiped the tear away with my finger, tracing the wet track it had made down his cheek. Billie’s hand suddenly reached up and caught mine, squeezing it tightly as he dragged it down. He used this to draw me closer, turning me to face him completely. Without a word, he clambered into my lap, resting his head on my chest as the tears flowed. I held him like that silently, stroking his neck and soft hair until the tears had all subsided. Our combined body-heat was overwhelmingly strong, yet comforting, like a warm furnace in a snowed-in lodge. I could hear Billie’s heart beating close to mine; the beats almost simultaneous like the beat of two bass drums. Boom, boom, boom, boom, trapped in our ribcages but still yearning to mingle with others.

How strange that humans dictate so much by a mere organ, that was only ever intended to pump blood.

Every other thought seemed completely unimportant. They were cold, emotionless algorisms that I had no want for. Who cared about the future? Who gave a damn about the past? As far as I was concerned, there was no such thing as time in this room. No hours, no minutes, not even those quickly passing seconds.

This moment called for nothing more. Its sublime beauty was evident enough to show it needed nothing else, to add to it would be to tarnish it completely. But still, I was debating whether to act or not. Billie’s forehead pressed into the side of my neck as he burrowed to get closer, needy as a small child. Urges to kiss him, to possess him flooded my mind. It wasn’t a need I could control. I yearned to caress his body, to convey my feelings without any awkward words in the way. Seeming like they were responding to my strange thoughts, my fingers slid down from his shoulders, gliding down his back. Without thinking they found their way up under his shirt, finally resting on his bare skin. I felt him twitch under my touch, raising his head in a quizzical gesture.

“What are you-“ he started to say. I shushed him like he had shushed me so many times before, with that cool finger over the lips. Except, he didn’t just immediately stop like I usually did. His crooked teeth shone for a moment, before latching on my finger and biting down hard. The pain was almost like a slap in the face. I reeled backwards, staring numbly at the purple tooth marks around my finger. Then I looked back at Billie, his eyes clouded with confusion.

“I’m always the one who takes charge- not you!” he blurted out as an explanation, his expression dazed. I knocked him back against the wall, pinning him there with one hand.

“Things change, you fucking wildcat,” I hissed in his face, feeling immense satisfaction at the confused fear that was brought to his face by my voice. “You aren’t the boss of me any more.”

It sounded childish, true, and a little clichéd. But the effect was imminent. Billie finally shut up, his eyes narrowed. It was like he was daring me to continue, daring me to take control for once.

Well, I’d show him.

I flattened him against the wall, grabbing his face in my hands and slamming his body back against it. Our teeth clashed together as I finally brought my lips to his, biting down hard on his lip like he had to my finger. I tasted blood, salty and sharp. Billie tried to lick it away but I beat him to it, our tongues just brushing as I established my dominance. He retaliated by trying to bite back, nipping at thin air as I quickly drew away.

“Quit it or I’ll rip out your teeth,” I said sharply, my hands tightening around his jaw. He glared back at me, like we were competing against each other in a very unfriendly tournament. He always had liked taking charge, the little bitch!

“You don’t have the balls,” he growled back, struggling against my grip. I knocked his head back against the wall and Billie yelped.

“Fucking hell! I’m still healing up from that fucking accident, bastard!”

“Shut up or they’ll be another accident.”

“Oh, trying be a fucking tough guy, faggot?”

“You’re the one who’s swearing like a goddamn sailor!”

“Well you keep bashing me into the wall every five seconds!”

I grinned savagely, my smile widening as he cowered slightly against the wall. This wasn’t about me any more- this was a contest. No, it was a war of leadership, of which I would never surrender to. Billie had roughed me up more times then I could count- it was time for him to taste his own medicine.

Our lips met again, fighting for control as I pressed Billie’s body back into the wall. My hands retreated from his jaw, now gripping his shoulders and forcing him into a submissive position. But he fought back, his hands tearing into my side as he ripped at my t-shirt. I broke free of the kiss, and in a vampiric gesture, pierced the soft part between his neck and shoulder. Billie hissed like at cat at that, digging his nails into the equally soft flesh of my sides. I ignored the pain, shoving my knee between his legs roughly. Billie grunted, clamping my knee in a vice.

“You- aren’t- going- to- win,” he panted, his hands gripping the sides of my shirt. Before I could react he had stretched the material over my head, momentarily rendering me sightless. That little fucker- I payed him back by kneeing him in the groin, laughing as he swore in pain.

“Not so vigilant now, are we?” I said conversationally, retracting my hands from his shoulders and pulling the t-shirt off over my head. I tossed it to the side, my attention turning back to Billie. He was hunched up, muttering obscenities, one hand protecting his groin. Finally he looked up, his face set in a pained grimace.

“I think you broke my dick!”

I laughed wildly, my whole body shaking with mirth.

“Giving up that easily?” I teased him. Billie straightened up, suddenly shoving me backwards.

“Fuck you, Mike. You’re a real asshole, you know!”

“An asshole that you want?”

“Just shut up already! Just shut the fuck up!”

I grabbed him by the shoulders again, this time slamming him down on the bed. His frame bounced off the mattress, his forehead hitting my jaw as I leaned over him.

“You did that on purpose, didn’t you?” I asked, raising my eyebrow. Billie failed, his feet kicking me in the stomach. I tutted, shaking my head.

“Don’t make me sit on you.”

“You sit on me and you are dead!”

I was started to get confused on whether this was a fight or rough play.

I lifted my leg over his body, straddling his stomach with ease. He was losing the fight or either just losing interest. As I fully sat, Billie complained loudly.

“Get off me! You’re too heavy!”

He closed his eyes and groaned as I slid back, whether from relief or pleasure I couldn’t quite tell. By this time I was sitting astride the top of his pelvis, his hipbones hard under my legs. Billie opened one eye, lifting his head.

“Please don’t move further back- I’m still recovering!” he pleaded, a note of desperation in his voice. He was starting to look a little scared, the cloud of recklessness gone from his eyes. He was having second thoughts, third thoughts, hell maybe even fourth thoughts. I had to move fast to save the moment.

I slid backwards again until I was on the tops of his legs. Billie shifted uncomfortably, still watching my every move. My hands speedily moved to his jeans, scrabbling frantically at his fly. Finally it came down. I started to yank his jeans down his legs.

“Wait! Mike, stop it! I mean it! STOP!” Billie yelled, wriggling out from under me. I unbalanced, falling back on the bed. I struggled back up into a sitting position. Billie was staring at me in shock, his knees up in front of him acting as a protective shield.

”That- that did not just happen!” he said shrilly, frantically pulling up his jeans. I went to move closer and he backed away, scrambling for the side of the bed.

”God, what the hell was I thinking? I’m sorry. I mislead you. I- I- Fuck, what would Adie think?
Oh shit, shit, shit- please don’t tell her!” he gibbered, getting up from the bed. I finally found my voice.

“What the fuck? Why would I even think of telling her about-“

“Oh thank you! Thank you- Mike, believe me, I’m sorry!” he interrupted, quickly heading for the door. I gaped after him, frozen between anger and complete surprise. How could he just walk out like that? Like this intensity was never there, like this was just an embarrassing accident? It baffled my mind. Surely he felt it as well!

My thoughts were suddenly interrupted by a wave of nausea, I felt the familiar feeling of bile rising in my throat, and my head spinning as it steadily rose up. I leaned over the side of the bed, retching painfully. I felt something tear inside my throat- and then all hell broke loose. I threw up on the floor, my body going into spasm as it poured out of my mouth. But something was wrong. Something was really wrong.

Instead of a normal colour, my vomit was stained with a dark ruby red.

The colour of blood.