I Lied When I Said I Didn't Love You

“Mike… Are you going to tell me what’s wrong straight out or do I have to make stupid guesses?”

What do you think, El Genius? Do the math. If I hadn’t told you before, why on Earth would I tell you now? No. Not on Earth. More like in the galaxy. Yes, the galaxy where you were off floating about, having the fucking time of your life with Adrienne and forgetting to get yourself grounded before you rashly proposed to her.

Why, I ask, do you have to be so spontaneous with decisions like these?
Normal people think about things like this before they do them. Normal people at least plan ahead in life instead of purposely running ahead blindfolded. What’s next? Some kids? A trailer? Fucking bungee jumping without a cord?

Excuse me for being bitter- I think I have a valid reason to be, seeing as I’m not trustworthy any more.

His hand found the hollow in my shoulder, the small cup between the bones bridged by thick skin. I felt his fingers dig into that spot, urgent, willing me to turn and talk to him face to face. Fuck that. Fucking forget about it.

All of sudden, I didn’t think he deserved that kind of respect.

I was angry at him, angry at his big field eyes and soft, seductive devil-angel lips. I was angry at his frustrated soul seeking peace and stability. I was angry at the way his heart yearned for her, craving her as much in mind and soul as in body.

I was angry at the way he had dashed my slivers of hope, trampling on the buds before it was even time for them to blossom.

Melinda had warned me. As soon as I relented to her my deep affections for Billie- not that I was convinced I still had deep affections, oh no- she told me firmly that I wouldn’t be able to handle him and Adrienne, that I could easily snap off into the same kind of rage I went into in the hospital. I admit, when I was standing with Billie at the sink, I could feel hot, dangerous blood beating in my palms, reminding me with sick fascination of the fluttering panicked beat of the pulse in her little neck. It was almost like if I squeezed hard enough at the air, she would pop out of existence.

No. Don’t think like that. Do not become like every person who has ever hurt you.

“Has it got something to do with me getting married? Is that it?”

Stop hitting so close to home, you little bastard. Can’t you see how much pain you are causing me? God… I just want to reach out and touch you so badly. I want to make you see. I want to do a lot of things, just to make you see the clarity. I even want to hurt you, to hit you so you can feel the pain. Could you feel my pain? No, the question I should ask myself is can I even hurt you? How hard it would be for me just to give you one light punch to the stomach. And one light stomach punch is in no way equivalent to what you are doing to me.
Just nod, I told myself silently, willing my nerves to not panic and cooperate for once. Nod to him. Please. Please, this could be the only chance you have. It’s just one movement. One little movement. Please.

Oh God… Please…

My head responded. My head responded mechanically and slowly, but it still responded. I forgave my body of every let down it had ever brought me at that moment.
I let everything go just for that one little nod.

“Okay… Well, is it that you don’t want to be my best man?”

He had appointed me as his best man? I had to stand next to him while he mindlessly droned through his vows, consenting to things he hadn’t even thought about? Why did he have to put me so close to his insanity? I wasn’t sure I could just stand there. Maybe I would try to strangle her again. Worse, maybe I would attack the priest- or even Billie himself.
Did he seek to deliberately torture me?

“No,” I replied in monotone, not caring to elaborate. Was it that hard to figure out? What did I have to do, make a fucking sign? Think. What did you do that could possibly upset me, apart from you jumping into marriage? Have you got it yet? No, you don’t. And you won’t.
I’ve given up on you ever figuring anything out.

“Well… Is it because you think Adie won’t like you being there?”

“For fuck’s sake- NO!” I suddenly yelled, startled by my own voice. I realised my arms were shaking madly, fingernails rattling demonically against the hard counter.

“Take another fucking guess! Go on! TAKE ANOTHER!”

Was I losing it? Was I going violent?

Billie didn’t step away, though. He didn’t seem fazed by my yelling at all. On the contrary, he came closer, angling his face so he could gaze up into my eyes without any obstructions of flesh and bone. His blonde hair was just a breath away from tickling my nose- just one breath, easily bridgeable.

We stared at each other, green to blue, land to sea, yin to yang. And in that stare our souls whispered secrets, or so it seemed. It felt like… if I concentrated hard enough… I could read his very thoughts, just stroll in through the front door to his brain. I could perverse his memories, lay my hands on his dreams-

Find out if he still felt anything for me, anything at all.

Did I dare to see a flicker of love in that green? Did I dare to take a chance?

I needed a spine, complete with built-in courage. Something to barge past my anxiety and shout over the rooftops what my opinions really were. Something that wouldn’t care about possible ramifications, or damning the future to hell. Something that didn’t need a safety net. Something…

Something willing to take the ultimate free-fall.

Did time stand still for us? I suppose it did. Those few minutes felt like a millennium. I had time to debate, time to think of questions I had never asked either him or myself.

Why did he never write any songs about me?

Why didn’t I mind that he got crushes on girls right and left when we were together?

How many times had I caught him looking at someone other then me, back then?

Was he ashamed of me when we were together?

Why had I never let him talk to me about my problems?

Would I take my own life if he wasn’t a part of it?

That night, when we almost reconciled, how come he only stopped me when we were about to fuck?

Did it mean anything?

And the biggest question of all:

Why did I lie?

I was startled to find I was having a flashback of that terrible day, the one that had seemed to govern my life and well being for so long.

So, so long.

“I HATE YOU!”

“No! Nothing needs to be explained! I know, okay? You love her now. End of story!”

“I loved you, you stupid whore! I loved you!”

“Leave! I never want to see you again!”

“I HATE YOU!”

Before I could blink them away, tears fell from my eyes, lingering on my lashes for one timeless second before rolling steadily down my cheeks and nose. Billie watched them calmly, reaching out to catch one on his finger and bowing his head to study it.

“Mike,” he finally said, his voice trembling somewhat. “Is it- is it because you still love me?”
And that was the moment I finally let go, and fell sobbing into his outstretched arms.