I Lied When I Said I Didn't Love You
Wanting
Almost A Year Later
I sat with Tre on the window ledge of our apartment, watching the cars go by under the darkening sky.It had been almost a year since that fateful day. Almost a year.
I guess it’s true some wounds heal if you give them time. I’d come out of my deep depression, distancing myself from the drugs and alcohol I had shoved down my raw throat. The scars on my arms had faded- I didn’t cut anymore. Or at least, I didn’t appear to.
Yes, I looked fine on the outside. I no longer burst into tears; I could even joke around now.
But what the people around me didn’t know was that I still had a few dangerous habits. Like cutting my legs. On purpose.
That way Tre wouldn’t see what I inflicted on myself. He nearly killed me when I attempted suicide. It was just after Billie’s first visit. The day after, in fact.
Tre had found me, my head lolling over the bathtub edge like a broken puppet. Blood was pouring out of two deep slashes on my wrists, my very life draining down the plug. Tre screamed when he had seen me.
“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? GET UP! GET UP!” he had shouted, pulling me up and flinging me against the wall. I landed in a sitting position, my eyes weak with the loss of blood. Tre had kneeled beside me. After winding two towels tightly around my mutilated wrist he slapped me hard. I had cried out, the sting burning my cheek.
“YOU IDIOT! YOU IDIOT! DO YOU WANT TO DIE?” Tre shrieked, his eyes like two holes in his white face. I nodded, my head swimming.
“Yes.”
Tre slapped me again, harder then before. He had brought his face close to mine, looking hysterical.
“YOU DON’T WANT TO DIE, OKAY? YOU CAN’T!”
I had winced groggily.
“Not so loud,” I whispered, my eyelids closing. Tre hugged me tightly to his chest. I froze as I
realised something- Tre was sobbing. His whole body shook as he cradled me in his arms.
“Don’t do this to me, Mike! I care about you!”
He dropped me, running for the phone. I couldn’t remember much after that. Tre said later that I passed out. He and Billie sat on the end of my hospital bed as I recovered.
After that, they put me in therapy.
I would’ve kept going, too. Except I found out whose idea it was. That’s right. Adie’s. After that, it made me sick. Hadn’t she finished interfering with my life yet?
After that, I lied to Billie and Tre and said I was all better. Stuck a bandaid over the problem.
I was afraid if I didn’t say that I would lose both of them.
The fact was I had turned bulimic.
I needed to control something- and since Tre watched me like a hawk to make sure I ate, getting rid of it was the only choice for me. If my friends found out they would send me to the loony bin for sure.
Better that no one knows. Less for them to worry about.
Tre nudged me, pointing down at the street.
“Hey, isn’t that car going fast?” he said excitedly, staring at the weaving headlights.
“Yeah,” I frowned, leaning forward for a better look. I knew that car from somewhere.
Suddenly I realise. And nearly fell out the window in surprise. Tre’s strong hands gripped my shoulders, pulling me back in. We landed in a heap on the floor, struggling to get up.
“What the hell was that- OW! Get your elbow out of my ear!” Tre complained, wriggling to his feet.
I didn’t apologise. I jumped to my feet, running out of the apartment and down the fire escape. I was in too much of a hurry to take a lift. Besides, the lifts were fucked in our building. Even slower then an old lady on the back of a turtle.
It was Billie’s car that had been swerving speedily all over the road. He was drunk driving, the stupid bastard. And by the look of it, he was coming here.
I just got out into the car park when he staggered out of his car, wailing pitifully. My heart thudded against my ribcage.
Oh no.
What had happened?
Billie saw me, launching himself at me. He collided with my chest, sobbing brokenly. I clung to him, looking down at his tearstained face.
“She left me and went back to Minnesota!” Billie sobbed into my jacket, his arms around my neck holding his body up. I gagged, as I smelt him. He was pissed beyond recognition. The smell was like a brewery, mixed with piss and sweat.
“Billie, how much did you drink?” I asked as he swayed, nearly falling. Billie hiccuped.
“Enough to dull the terrible pain in my heart,” he said. Or rather, slurred.
I sighed, picking him up in the fireman’s hold.
”Come on, you’re staying at our apartment tonight,” I said soothingly. Billie hiccuped again, patting me on the ass as he hung upside down.
“I love you Mike,” he whispered.
“I love you too, sweetheart, but you have a girlfriend,” I grunted, straining a little under his weight. The constant throwing up had drained my energy. And my emotions. A couple of earlier I would have broken down and kissed Billie on the lips. Not now. I was too strong to be broken again.
Besides, we all knew Billie never meant anything he said when he was drunk.
Finally we made it up to the apartment. I hammered on the door with my fist.
“TRE! OPEN UP YOU CRAZY ASSHOLE!” I yelled.
I heard the clink of the chain being pulled back. We’d had to update our security after some violent guys had gatecrashed our apartment. Luckily it was only the cymbal that got damaged when they smashed it over Tre’s head.
Tre opened the door, eyebrows raised as he saw Billie’s ass over my shoulder.
“I’m not going to ask any questions except this- WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?”
“Billie’s drunk. Apparently Adie left him to go back to Minnesota,” I said, rolling my eyes.
I had given up hope of that long ago, so even if it was true I still didn’t believe it.
Believing people got you hurt, as I knew too well.
I carried Billie over to the bed, laying him down gently. Billie snuffled, crawling under the blanket. I smiled. He looked like a cute little kid with just his head poking out from the covers.
Damn it, you idiot, stop it, I thought angrily. He doesn’t love you! And you don’t love him!
Lies again.
I did.
I did.
I did.
That was why I had all these stupid habits- it was because of him.
Wanting something that badly made you crazy.
Billie rolled over, staring up into my eyes. Without thinking, I leant down and kissed his cheek softly. Billie smiled drunkenly.
”Wrong place, stupid,” he whispered, moving my lips so they were on his. We kissed passionately for a moment. But then I jerked back as I felt Billie’s hand slowly reach down toundo my jeans.
“What- Billie! No! We can’t!” I said shrilly.
I may love him, but I wasn’t going to let him screw up another relationship.Even though I still hated Adie with a vengeance. Billie pouted.
“Why not?” he asked.
“Because you love Adie now. And I’m not about to let you cheat again!”
“I told you,” Billie said, his voice like honey. “She left. Now why can’t we-”?
I jumped off the bed, my breathing harsh.
“No, Billie,” I said firmly, trying to hold back a tear. “You broke me once. I’m not letting you do that again.”
And with that I fled into the night, leaving Tre to deal with him.
I had too much on my mind.
I sat with Tre on the window ledge of our apartment, watching the cars go by under the darkening sky.It had been almost a year since that fateful day. Almost a year.
I guess it’s true some wounds heal if you give them time. I’d come out of my deep depression, distancing myself from the drugs and alcohol I had shoved down my raw throat. The scars on my arms had faded- I didn’t cut anymore. Or at least, I didn’t appear to.
Yes, I looked fine on the outside. I no longer burst into tears; I could even joke around now.
But what the people around me didn’t know was that I still had a few dangerous habits. Like cutting my legs. On purpose.
That way Tre wouldn’t see what I inflicted on myself. He nearly killed me when I attempted suicide. It was just after Billie’s first visit. The day after, in fact.
Tre had found me, my head lolling over the bathtub edge like a broken puppet. Blood was pouring out of two deep slashes on my wrists, my very life draining down the plug. Tre screamed when he had seen me.
“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? GET UP! GET UP!” he had shouted, pulling me up and flinging me against the wall. I landed in a sitting position, my eyes weak with the loss of blood. Tre had kneeled beside me. After winding two towels tightly around my mutilated wrist he slapped me hard. I had cried out, the sting burning my cheek.
“YOU IDIOT! YOU IDIOT! DO YOU WANT TO DIE?” Tre shrieked, his eyes like two holes in his white face. I nodded, my head swimming.
“Yes.”
Tre slapped me again, harder then before. He had brought his face close to mine, looking hysterical.
“YOU DON’T WANT TO DIE, OKAY? YOU CAN’T!”
I had winced groggily.
“Not so loud,” I whispered, my eyelids closing. Tre hugged me tightly to his chest. I froze as I
realised something- Tre was sobbing. His whole body shook as he cradled me in his arms.
“Don’t do this to me, Mike! I care about you!”
He dropped me, running for the phone. I couldn’t remember much after that. Tre said later that I passed out. He and Billie sat on the end of my hospital bed as I recovered.
After that, they put me in therapy.
I would’ve kept going, too. Except I found out whose idea it was. That’s right. Adie’s. After that, it made me sick. Hadn’t she finished interfering with my life yet?
After that, I lied to Billie and Tre and said I was all better. Stuck a bandaid over the problem.
I was afraid if I didn’t say that I would lose both of them.
The fact was I had turned bulimic.
I needed to control something- and since Tre watched me like a hawk to make sure I ate, getting rid of it was the only choice for me. If my friends found out they would send me to the loony bin for sure.
Better that no one knows. Less for them to worry about.
Tre nudged me, pointing down at the street.
“Hey, isn’t that car going fast?” he said excitedly, staring at the weaving headlights.
“Yeah,” I frowned, leaning forward for a better look. I knew that car from somewhere.
Suddenly I realise. And nearly fell out the window in surprise. Tre’s strong hands gripped my shoulders, pulling me back in. We landed in a heap on the floor, struggling to get up.
“What the hell was that- OW! Get your elbow out of my ear!” Tre complained, wriggling to his feet.
I didn’t apologise. I jumped to my feet, running out of the apartment and down the fire escape. I was in too much of a hurry to take a lift. Besides, the lifts were fucked in our building. Even slower then an old lady on the back of a turtle.
It was Billie’s car that had been swerving speedily all over the road. He was drunk driving, the stupid bastard. And by the look of it, he was coming here.
I just got out into the car park when he staggered out of his car, wailing pitifully. My heart thudded against my ribcage.
Oh no.
What had happened?
Billie saw me, launching himself at me. He collided with my chest, sobbing brokenly. I clung to him, looking down at his tearstained face.
“She left me and went back to Minnesota!” Billie sobbed into my jacket, his arms around my neck holding his body up. I gagged, as I smelt him. He was pissed beyond recognition. The smell was like a brewery, mixed with piss and sweat.
“Billie, how much did you drink?” I asked as he swayed, nearly falling. Billie hiccuped.
“Enough to dull the terrible pain in my heart,” he said. Or rather, slurred.
I sighed, picking him up in the fireman’s hold.
”Come on, you’re staying at our apartment tonight,” I said soothingly. Billie hiccuped again, patting me on the ass as he hung upside down.
“I love you Mike,” he whispered.
“I love you too, sweetheart, but you have a girlfriend,” I grunted, straining a little under his weight. The constant throwing up had drained my energy. And my emotions. A couple of earlier I would have broken down and kissed Billie on the lips. Not now. I was too strong to be broken again.
Besides, we all knew Billie never meant anything he said when he was drunk.
Finally we made it up to the apartment. I hammered on the door with my fist.
“TRE! OPEN UP YOU CRAZY ASSHOLE!” I yelled.
I heard the clink of the chain being pulled back. We’d had to update our security after some violent guys had gatecrashed our apartment. Luckily it was only the cymbal that got damaged when they smashed it over Tre’s head.
Tre opened the door, eyebrows raised as he saw Billie’s ass over my shoulder.
“I’m not going to ask any questions except this- WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?”
“Billie’s drunk. Apparently Adie left him to go back to Minnesota,” I said, rolling my eyes.
I had given up hope of that long ago, so even if it was true I still didn’t believe it.
Believing people got you hurt, as I knew too well.
I carried Billie over to the bed, laying him down gently. Billie snuffled, crawling under the blanket. I smiled. He looked like a cute little kid with just his head poking out from the covers.
Damn it, you idiot, stop it, I thought angrily. He doesn’t love you! And you don’t love him!
Lies again.
I did.
I did.
I did.
That was why I had all these stupid habits- it was because of him.
Wanting something that badly made you crazy.
Billie rolled over, staring up into my eyes. Without thinking, I leant down and kissed his cheek softly. Billie smiled drunkenly.
”Wrong place, stupid,” he whispered, moving my lips so they were on his. We kissed passionately for a moment. But then I jerked back as I felt Billie’s hand slowly reach down toundo my jeans.
“What- Billie! No! We can’t!” I said shrilly.
I may love him, but I wasn’t going to let him screw up another relationship.Even though I still hated Adie with a vengeance. Billie pouted.
“Why not?” he asked.
“Because you love Adie now. And I’m not about to let you cheat again!”
“I told you,” Billie said, his voice like honey. “She left. Now why can’t we-”?
I jumped off the bed, my breathing harsh.
“No, Billie,” I said firmly, trying to hold back a tear. “You broke me once. I’m not letting you do that again.”
And with that I fled into the night, leaving Tre to deal with him.
I had too much on my mind.