I Lied When I Said I Didn't Love You

I kept running down the street until the apartment was out of sight. My head was spinning.
I’d just refused to do something I’d been yearning to do for almost a year. Sweat poured down my forehead as I collapsed under a streetlight. How could I have just run out on him?Wasn’t that what I wanted? Didn’t I want Billie’s love, even if only for one night?

I knew that wasn’t the truth. Again, I wasn’t being honest with myself.I did love Billie.I loved him enough to torture myself over him. But what is love when you are drunk?It isn’t.
It’s just a cheap fuck where you don’t have to pay. A mechanical, cold experience where you have regrets and one person ends up not caring.I’d had my share of bringing drunken girls home for that. Back before I got serious with Billie. Now I was disgusted at how I treated them.

I shivered. I hadn’t realised just how cold it was. I cursed myself for not getting my jacket. I was still in a vest and jeans. My feet were bare, cuts from stepping on some broken glass when I was running. Frost glittered on the windows of various stores, abandoned as soon as the sun went down. I huddled under the light, hoping I wouldn’t freeze. I didn’t want to go back.

Not as long as Billie was like that. Otherwise I would end up crippled like before. And who knew if I would ever walk again?

I heard footsteps behind me. I looked around to see a tall, blonde guy in his mid-twenties. He clutched a bottle in one hand, smiling slyly at me.

“Poor little faggot,” he remarked. My head whipped around.

“Excuse me?” I stuttered. This guy creeped me out, the way he stood there leering at me. I slowly got to my feet, getting ready to bolt at the first sign of trouble

First rule of survival: Run.

“You heard me. What’s a matter, lost your boyfriend?” he smirked, leaning forward. My heart gave a jolt. He had green eyes like Billie’s, except his were murky and cold.

I tried to back away, my head clunking against the lamppost. The guy seized his chance. He lurched forward, his arm going around my neck in a choking hold. I thudded to the ground, my head hitting the concrete.

Ouch.

I could feel the warm, sticky blood trickling down my nose. The guy laws on top of me, his dank breath echoing in my ear. I tried to wriggle away. The guy picked me up like a bag of sugar, dragging me into a deserted alley. I kicked frantically, panicked like a rabbit.

What was he doing?

Why had he put me against the wall?

Oh no.

Please!

No!

Don’t do that!

Stop it!

Please!

The guy panted. He ripped at my jeans, pulling them down to expose my naked behind. I screamed as he thrust his fingers into me.

“STOP IT! NO! STOP IT!” I cried, the pain like fire. The man grunted.

“You like that, bitch?”

He slammed me against the wall. I felt something in my nose crack, blinding me momentarily. |

I was trapped.

Trapped.

Trapped.

Trapped.

Trapped.

I took a moment to realise that those terrible screams I was hearing were coming from my own mouth.

Had to fight.

Had to slip away.

Had to.

Had to.

Had to.

An image of Billie’s smiling face appeared in my mind.

He would fight.

Suddenly I broke free, striking my attacker in the face. He fell back in surprise. I couldn’t hit that hard in that position. I fled, pulling my jeans up. Blood was falling into my eyes. I couldn’t see for the red. I thought I would die. Bile rose in my throat. I vomited on the side of the street, shaking in shock. Then I let out a blood-curdling scream.

If no one is around, do they hear you scream?

Do they? And if they do, does anyone care?

I fell down in the road, still screaming.
---

“Mike? Mike? Please, wake up. We’re here,” I heard a familiar voice say, a hand stroking my bruised and battered face. I opened my eyes slowly. Billie and Tre were standing at the side of me, their eyes red with lack of sleep.

“Mike, thank God you woke up,” Billie sighed, sitting down in a chair pulled up beside my bed. I blinked.

Where the hell was I? This wasn’t my room.I realised I must’ve been in a hospital.It all came back to me and I screamed again. Tre shushed me, looking concerned.

“It’s okay. He’s gone,” he said quietly.

They knew. They knew what happened. I felt dirty, like I didn’t belong with all these cleaner people. Billie cleared his throat, looking at his hands.

“The doctors told us something, when they examined you. Something important.”

I felt myself sink back. Bad news. The only thing that stopped Billie from looking people in the eye was bad news.

“They told us,” he began, stopping awkwardly. I couldn’t take the suspense.

“What? Am I going to die from getting r-r-r,” I stuttered.

I couldn’t say it.

I couldn’t.

Billie put a hand on mine, still not looking at me.

“You didn’t get raped Mike. He didn’t get that far. No, it’s something else. Mike- Mike- we know you’ve been cutting yourself, and that you’re bulimic. The doctors told us.”

“What? No, I don’t! Nothing’s wrong with me! Nothing!” I protested, trying to get up. Tre pressed me back down.

“Yes you do Mike. You lied to me. You said you wouldn’t cut anymore,” Tre sighed, shaking his head. “You should have talked to one of us. We care about you!”

I was silent. They had something else to say.

“Mike,” Billie said gently. “The hospital wants you to get some help. They’re thinking of keeping you in the psychiatric ward for a little while.”

“No! No! I’m not going there! I’m not!” I yelled, jumping out of bed. I was wearing a hospital gown- and you could see all the scars on my legs.
Billie gasped, putting a hand to his mouth.

“Oh Mike, what have you done to yourself? I thought you said you were over this.”

“I am, okay?” I snarled, frightened of showing what I actually felt.

They thought I was nuts already.

“No you’re not. It’s my fault, for leaving you like that. Obviously you still have feelings for me-“

“Now wait a minute!” I screeched. “You broke my heart! You cheated on me! You discarded me like a disposable fuck! And you- you still think I love you? Because, Billie, I don’t! You hurt me more then I could take. And that was it! I DON’T FUCKING LOVE YOU!”

Billie blinked for a moment, trying to steady himself. Tre just sat there in shock. He’d never seen one of my outbursts like this before.I can take so much.Then I explode. But this time, it was my defence.My own way of dodging around admitting the truth.

What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I just tell him? The web of lies had tangled me up, and I couldn’t unravel myself from it in time.

“Fine. We have that sorted then,” Billie said quietly. He got up, tossing a bag on the bed.

“Hospital food is shit. I hope this will keep you going.”

He exited the room, walking quickly down the hall.

Tre sighed, looking at me wearily.

“You shouldn’t have lied. Billie just wants you to get better.”

“I didn’t lie. That was the truth. I don’t love him!”

“That’s bullshit and you know it.”

“Tre, either shut up or leave, okay?”

Tre got up, also going to the door. He turned back for a moment, staring me in the eye.

“You’re going to have to talk sometime. Until then, try not to get chewed up.”

He followed Billie down the hall. I slumped down in my pillows.

Trust is a dirty word when it comes from such a liar. Especially when it’s your best friend.