Darling, I Just Can't Go On

I stared down at my shaky hand and the small silver blade that stood out against my skin. I could already feel the throbbing in my thigh from the few shallow marks that had recently been added.

I couldn't find it in me to make the deep, but they still ran across my leg in a long line.

My breathing was shallow, not being able to bring air into my lungs as I bright my knees up to my chest, my forehead resting against my knees as I tried to calm down.

It wasn't until my phone buzzed that I was finally able to move from the fetal positon I had curled myself into. I reached to grab it, and found a new text message, from Alex none the less.

Hey Andi

I tapped lightly at the keys, trying to figure out why he would be texting me when he was only next door.

Hi Alex

His reply came almost instantly after I sent it, as if he had been waiting for me to reply before he sent it.

You know the park two streets over right?

My eyebrows furrowed together as I tried to think of why he was asking me this, and if by some chance he might be trying to ask me out.

You mean the abandoned kids park right?

Again, his reply came quickly.

Exactly. Meet me there in an hour?

And there was what I was waiting for. I knew that there had to be some motive for him texting me, just maybe not him asking me to hang out.

I hesitated, trying to decide if I was going to show up or not, if it was worth the trouble, if he was worth the trouble.

I got another text a minute or two later, another from Alex since I hadn't replied to him yet.

It's not a date I swear. I just want to hang outside of school

I bit my lip as I tried to decided. The blank text screen held a blinking yellow cursor which just reminded me even more that I had no idea what to say to a guy, let alone one like Alex.

I'll be there in an hour.

~~

I found the park with no issues, as it was one I used to play on when I was yonger, and my mom was still around to take me.

The rush of memories where not all great and happy ones, making the trip here so much harder for me. More than once I considered turning around, telling Alex that I couldn't make it just so I wouldn't have to remember.

But for some reason I didn't, I kept walking until the old frames of the playsets stood in front of me.

I made my way over to the old swings, hearing and feeling them creak when I sat myself down onto one of them lightly.

It was only a few minutes before I saw the outline of a person walking down the sidewalk in my direction. When they got closer I could make out a head of wild hair being held down by a grey beanie and Alex's face was even easier to make out.

"Hey Andi," He greeted me with a smile.

I just mumbled a response as he came closer and sat on the swing next to me making it creak much like mine did.

The silence around us was terrible and I couldn't have felt more awkward as we moved ourselves lightly back and forth with the swings.

"Why'd you ask my to come here Alex?" I finally made myself ask, looking over to him only to find his eyes cast to the ground.

The sun was starting to set, and the pinks and oranges in the sky illuminated the features of his face, or made them stand out at least.

"I don't really know why..." He finally said after a minute. "All I know is I think I want to talk about something, but I have no idea what and I was hoping maybe you would listen since you're so good at it and should probably just shut up."

His voice held something I couldn't pinpoint, but I remained silent as I let him organize his thoughts. If he was going to say something again, he would have to say it on his own.

He stood up from the swing, stopping on to wait for me, before walking slowly around the perimeter of the park. I felt him reach down and wrap his hand around mine as we walked, winding our fingers together much like he had done when we sat in the rain.

It seemed like we walked forever, our hands locked together as the sun set and the sky darkened around us.

A word hadn't been spoken between us the entire time, but just walked around and around the playground, but for once the silence between us wasn't awkward. To me it seemed almost comfortable and something I could get used to.

It wasn't until he stopped and turned that I noticed just how late it had gotten. I could see the moon, reflecting off of his eyes, high in the sky behind me.

He dropped my hand but moved both of his to rest on my hips. As soon as his hand made contact with my right hip though, I flinced away from him, backing up quickly.

His eyes widened in shock and questioning as he took a step twoards me again.

"Andi?" He asked, speaking for the first time since he had rambled away on the swings. "What's wrong?"

"I gotta go," I said before turning and running, heading back to my house and away from the one person who might figure out my secret.