Darling, I Just Can't Go On

Alex was nervous, better yet he was worried. He didn't know what he did or why Andi reacted the way that she did, and he was worried about her.

He noticed the flinch, he noticed the flash of shock in her eyes, but most of all he noticed her fear.

Once more he realized that he had come onto her too strong and she ended up shying away from him.

The girl constantly filled his thoughts most days, and it was almost as if she had completely taken over his brain at times. He couldn't explain his sudden attraction to the girl he had walked past numerous times year after year.

Alex pulled his phone out of his pocket as he walked home after sitting alone in the small park for a good twenty minutes.

You don't have to tell me why you left, just let me know if you made it home okay

He just needed to know that she was home, more or less safe, otherwise he wouldn't be able to sleep that night. Well, he still wouldn't be able to sleep, but this would make it one less thing running through his head.

Yes, I made it home

He read her reply and he felt the breath, that he had been holding in since the phone had buzzed, out.

Are you okay?

He knew it was a stupid question but he had to ask it anyway, more or less to see if she would even answer. He wasn't expecting her to reply, but when his phone buzzed again, he was surprised.

If you want the truth, I haven't been okay in a long time.

Alex could feel the frown pulling at his lips as he read her text, walking up the front steps of his house and going right in. His mother called after him, but he meerly walked up the stairs and into his room, dropping down on the bed as he contempled what his reply to her would be.

If you want to tell me about it, which I don't expect you to, I'd be prepared to listen...

It was a long time before she replied to him, and he had taken to stripping down to his boxers and climbing into bed, completely ready for another restless night. He was positive her reply would never come and that she wasn't going to talk to him about anything.

But when his phone finally signaled a new text message, he all but jumped to grab it.

Have you ever wanted something so bad, but when you finally got the chance at getting what you wanted, you were suddenly so terrified at what would happen when you got it?

The words filled him with a certain feelings of dread as he read the text over a few times, ot understanding what she meant.

What are you so scared of getting?

Again, he didn't know if she was going to answer him, but the text came in only a few minutes as opposed to the twenty minutes he waited for the last one.

Help.

~~

I could feel the franticness filling me after I sent Alex the last text. I knew he would ask about it even more, and I wasn't prepared to answer his questions.

I was surprised that I even made it as far as I did in the conversation without backing out. At one point I had turned my phone off, only to turn it back on and grow the courage to send him a reply.

I knew for a fact that I needed someone, someone to help me, but I never thought it would be someone like Alex Gaskarth.

I knew that I needed to be saved, but I couldn't seem to say the words out loud. In my head they were screamed and yelled to no end, but when it came down to it, I wouldn't be able to voice my needs.

I don't know what scared me more, someone finding out about my cutting or me actually trying to stop.

I didn't know if I even wanted to stop at times. I would find myself thinking about it, craving it even, but then once I did and I saw the blood I would feel the desperation start to set in.

If the time ever came that I would have to tell someone my story, I could only see it being Alex.