Darling, I Just Can't Go On

"Why?" Alex asked as we sat under one of the big play sets, walls surrounding us except for the one open area right before us. I stared out at the sky, which was slowly lightening and turning a shade of orange as the sun began to make its slow rise.

"I needed something to make me feel again..." I tried to explain as my fingers moved lightly against the bloody side of my shorts. They were ruined beyond fixing and I would have to throw them away when I got home. "It's hard to explain."

"Everyone has a way to deal with things," he pointed out from where he sat on my right side, mostly because he had nothing more to say.

"I felt so numb for so long... I just wanted to feel something again, anything. For me, the pain was better than feeling nothing at all." My mind was jumbled together as I tried to pull my sentences together, but I only felt confused at the mess that swirled around me. "You have no idea how bad I want to walk away right now, just get up and leave."

I looked over to him as I said this, his hand having reached down to stop the hand that had been proding my hip by lacing his fingers through mine. His head cocked to the side at my words.

"Why are you here then? Why not just leave if you don't want to stay?" He asked, but didn't let his hand drop from mine.

"No one else knows," I said as I gripped his hand a bit tighter. "No one else would listen to what I need to say, my reasons why. They would just turn their nose at me and send me to some mental facility."

Alex was quite then, but the look on his face showed that he was deep in thought about something.

It was a few minutes before he said anything.

"My brother killed himself a few years back, so I guess I can understand where your coming from. I've delt with shit like this from the time I was twelve. That's when he killed himself, but he had been dealing with a drinking problem leading up to it." I could hear the emotions mixing with his words as he spoke them. "I promised myself I'd never get to that point, but more and more each day I realize how much I'm turning into him."

"Do you have a drinking problem?" I asked, knowing that it was something he needed.

Most people don't really know or accept that they have a problem unless confornted about it or when they hit rock bottom. It seems like we've both hit that point.

"Yeah, I do..." He sighed. "I drink to block everything out. The racing thoughts that keep me awake into the early hours of the morning, all the night's without sleep, and just the dull ache I get from moving day to day. I drink so that I can forget it all and just feel happy, or feel nothing at all."

I don't know why, but at that point a small laugh escaped me, making Alex give me another one of his questioning looks.

"You drink to feel numb and I do what I do to avoid feeling numb," I pointed out and his face contorted into a look similar to mind.

He let out a humorless laugh as he squeezed my hand tightly.

"It seems like we're more alike than I thought." I said, my head leaning down to rest against his shoulder as we sat silently watching the sun rise up over the horizon.

"Will you promise me something Andi?" He asked voice soft and quiet.

I looked up from where my head was still against him only to find his eyes on my face.

"I want you to call me, text me, or just anything next time. Just don't do it. Call me and we can talk about whatever it is that's bugging you, just please try and stop."

My eyes prickled at his words and I found myself curling closer against him as my mind raced.

Could I really stop? Cutting had become my cop out for everything, and to just stop would be more than difficult; it would be nearly impossible when I was already so far in, so addicted.

"I-I'll try. For you."

~~

I don't know what I expected Alex to be like when the next day of school rolled around.

I was surprised when he showed up at my locker though, sending a glare after the boy who had bursh past me not so lightly.

"Morning Andi," He greeted as he smiled down at me.

"Morning Alex," I said offering a small smile in return. "What are you doing over here?"

"I just thought that I'd maybe walk you to first period? I mean I'm heading to that way for my class and I don't know..." He trailed off at the end, his hand reaching up to scratch the back of his head.

"That'd be nice," I mumbled as I turned, waiting for him to follow.

"Are you feeling any better?" He questioned as he dropped his hand down, letting it move to rest against my lower back as he moved us forward through the crowded hallway,

I just shrugged, feeling a sense of discomfort from the topic.

He must have noticed because he dropped it right away and didn't bring it up again.

"I'll see you later Alex," I said as we stopped at my classroom.

"Bye Andi," He repied his hand giving mine a quick squeeze before meshing his way back into the mass of students.