Darling, I Just Can't Go On

When I woke up the next morning I felt the familiar throbbing that radiatied from my hip after sleeping on the wrong side during the night. I sat up with a wince before moving the covers off of myself, looking down to see a few dots of blood that had soaked through my small shorts.

I pushed the waist band of the shorts and my underwear down enough to take in the sight of the dark red scars and freshly dried blood.

I winced once more as I slid my legs over the side of the bed, standing up slowly and shuffling my feet across the floor of my room. Once I was in the bathroom I grabbed a small wash cloth, wetting it with water before gently rubbing the blood away from the cuts I had made only days before.

A wave a guilt hit me when I saw how torn and mutilated the skin looked, my thoughts bringing the image of Alex to the front of my mind. I shook my head as if to rid the image before situating my shorts in the right position.

After going through a normal routine of brushing my teeth and washing my face, I found myself downstairs, perched on the edge of the counter top as I nursed a mug full of steaming coffee.

Footsteps from the floor above signaled that dad had woken up, and I knew that he'd be happy that I made a fresh pot of coffee.

"Morning honey," He greeted as he yawned, moving over to the coffee pot instantly, still dressed in only a pair of dark blue plaid pajama pants and a white undershirt.

"Morning dad," I replied with a smile, the sight of him being in a good mood putting me in one of my own.

"So where were you off to so late last night?" He asked as he leaned back against the counter opposite to the one I was sitting on, right next to the sink.

"One of Rian's friend's wanted me to hang out with them," I said with a shrug before taking a drink to excuse myself from speaking anymore.

"Was it those rowdy boys that are always making so much noise after school?" He questioned looking confused. "I didn't know you were friends with them..."

I just gave a small shrug, still sipping at the drink in my hands every minute or so.

"Well you got home safe, which is all that matters," He said with a smile before turning to the stove to start making breakfast. "Would you go get the morning paper for me?"

I slipped off of the counter quietly, mug still in hand as I headed out the front door. I grabbed the slightly damp paper from the end of the driveway before straightening up, only to see Rian pulling into his driveway.

"Morning," He said once he was out of the car, and I replied with a simple, "Morning," in return before heading back into the house.

~~

I had spent most of the day in my room, just surfing the internet on my laptop and listening to music, only getting up every so often to go get something to eat or to go pee.

I was in the kitchen raiding the frigde, rooting around to try and find a good snack, when I heard the phone begin to ring. My body stiffened at the thought of who might be on the other line, my last experience answering the house phone having left me in a bad state. It had been over three weeks since her last call, and what happened after.

I slowly shut the doors to the fridge before approaching the small device that was lighting up orange. I took a quick glance at the caller ID before backing away when I was it flashing Moore, Bethany , knowing I wouldn't make the same mistake twice.

I was not answering any of that woman's calls, never again.

The call eventually went to voicemail, but the phone began ringing again only a minute later, and even after that one went to voicemail, she called again.

After the fourth call went to voicemail the phone went silent, matching the rest of the house.

I slipped down against a wall, letting out a breath that I forgot I was holding until my lungs began to ache. The relife spread through me and I was finally able to relax.

That is until I heard someone knocking at the door.

"Andi?" A voice called through the door and all of my muscles tensed up. "Andi, please answer the door."

I could feel the tears that began to form in my eyes, letting a prickling sensation fill them. I folded in on myself, wrapping my arms around myself and holding tight, as if to hold myself together.

"Andi, sweetie, please!"

She had fucking showed up here, over a year after she had left to go be with a different man. She had new kids now, ones that replaced me, and a man that replaced my father.

I would never forget that, and I would never forgive her for what she had done to us. She had ripped our family apart, leaving me broken, more so than she could ever imagine.

My body began to shake, my hands quivering as my thoughts flashed back to the silver blade hidden in my bathroom. I knew where it was, and I could so easliy go and get it.

"Honey, I'm going to open the door if you don't." She called to me and I shot up, running up the stairs just as I heard the door open. "Don't run Andi!"

I managed to get into the bathroom and lock the door before she even made it to the bottom of the stairs. I pulled the drawer open loudly, her footsteps echoing down the hall as she made her way up the stairs.

I dug around hastily before a small feeling of pain shot up from my finger. I grabbed the blade, not caring that it had left a small cut on my hand, before dropping down to my knees on the cold linolium floor.

She began to pound on the bathroom door, and I realized that she was just a few feet from me, the woman who had driven me to my lowest point.

I had the razor positioned over my wrist, the first time I had ever thought of doing it somewhere so noticable, but something stopped me.

Alex's face flashed in the front of my mind for the second time that day, this time showing the look he had on his face when he had seen all of my cuts that night in the park.

I dropped the razor to the floor as I dropped my face down into my hads, sobs wracking through my body.

"Why are you crying sweetie?" The woman called to me. "Please don't cry baby."

I moved my hands from my face, fumbling around until I managed to get my phone out of my pocket.