Darling, I Just Can't Go On

Being away from school always sent my sleeping scheduel out of whack, and so waking up at nearly six o'clock in the evening, and sometimes even later than that, was a very regular thing.

Rolling over in my bed, and tangling myself further into the sheets, I let out a small groan as my back muscles stretched themseleves. Rubbing at my eyes I blindly patted around on the mattress to find my phone, stopping only when my hand came in contact with the hard plastic device.

The time shone back at my, 9:28 illuminated on the small screen making me let out a groan of protest as I dropped the phone down once more.

Closing my eyes, a soft sigh exscaped my mouth, the breath sounding loud against the silent room.

Being alone in the silence was one of the worst feelings, especially when the quiet only brought on the roaming thoughts, the doubts.

Shaking my head lightly I rolled back over onto my side, tucking my hands up under the side of my face.

I tried to drift back into my previous dream, one that held a very happy version of me laying out in the sun on a hot summer day, draped acorss a blanket in the middle of an abandoned field with Alex laying beside me, but my mind thought otherwise. The scattered and often fast paced thoughts flew through my mind, keeping me awake when all i wanted was sleep.

Rolling onto my back with another sigh I managed to get myself back into a comfotrable position, one hand resting back behind my heaad fingers tangled in my long hair, while the other one moved down to rest over my semi exposed hip, my underwear riding low against my hip bones.

Tracing the skin that held my scars, I could feel the creases in the flesh from the deeper cuts, the feeling being one that I had become used to in the late nights when I could barely sleep.

My thoughts more often than not would drift back to when I was still self-harming, the feeling of it burried deep inside only to come out when I was alone.

I just laid there, letting my mind take over as once more my eyes became heavy, them closing lightly just before opening again when the feeling of my phone vibrating beside me.

Picking it up I saw the words new message were illuminated on the dark screen. Opening the message, I saw Alex's name followed by the words,

Look outside.

Giving the phone a questioning glance, I realized that it was only a few minutes after midnight. Pushing the covers away from my body I slid off of the bed, padding across the floor with bare feet.

Outside in the dark stood a figure just barely distuingishable in the soft glow of the street lamp just beside a parked car. The figure raised a hand and beckoned me out into the still night, for once the clouds had not been dumping down feet of snow.

It was the beanie with a few strands ticking haphazardly out from beneath it that gave away that it was Alex and with a small laugh I moved over to my closet, pulling on various clothes before tip-toeing down the steps.

Sneaking silently into the kitchen, I paused long enough to slip my shoes on before opening the back door, sliding my way out and closing it with only the sound of a soft click following me.

Breaking into a jog I went around the side of the house, meeting Alex in the front with a tight hug.

"Happy birthday," He mumbled into my hair, pressing his lips lightly into the side of my head.

"Wait," I said as I moved back from him slightly. "It's my birthday?"

"You didn't know?" He asked while laughing as he pulled me back into him.

"Well I just really woke up," I shurgged. "Things were a bit blurry."

"Well then, at least I know that I was the first one to say it," He joked as he let go of me, pulling open the passenger's side door of the car before motionins me to get in.

Complying, I climbed into the car and sunk down into the seat, pulling the seat belt across my front as Alex rounded the front of the car, getting in himself before starting it up.

Keeping the headlights turned off, he quietly turned away from the curb and slowly drove down the street, only turning the headlights back on again once we reached the stop sign at the end of the street.

"So," I asked as I pulled my knees up against my chest, looking over to Alex with a smile. "Where are we going?"

"That my dear, is a surprise." He stated sending me a coy little smile.

"Come on, why can't I know?" I asked with a pout, taking a trick from Jack's book to try and get it out of Alex.

"I'm not telling," He said in a sing song sort of voice. "But, we do have to stop for gas before we do anything else. I promised my mom I would fill up the tank if I took it out again."

It wasn't long after that before we pulled up outside of the gas station and Alex climbed out of the car once more after having shut it off.

Getting out as well, I went around to his side of the car, leaning against the right side of the trunk as he patted the sides and back of his pants.

"There it is," He mumbled, pulling his wallet out of the back pocket of his skinny jeans, turning to face me as he held it out. "Would you mind going in and paying the guy for me?"

"Nope," I said taking it from him and slipping it into the front pocket of my jacket. "How much?"

"Forty on pump two." He replied. "Do you want coffee?"

"Sure. What kind do you want?" I asked.

"Just regular with two creamers." He said as I backed off slowly, me giving a nod before turning and jogging into the building.

Once inside, I went over to the guy at the counter.

"Forty dollars on pump two," I mumbled to him, waiting as he punched it in to the cash register.

"Anything else?" He grunted, looking half asleep as he stood with a dull look in his eyes.

"Two coffees," I said to which he added to the order.

"That'll be $44.67," He yawned, me fishing out two twentys and a five which I handed over, waiting just long enough to get the change back before moving over to get the coffees.

Making sure to add the right number of creamer packets to Alex's, I headed back outside, his wallet placed in my back pocket and a coffee in wach hand.

I found him sitting on the trunk of the car, hands in the pockets of his own hoodie as the gas pumped into the car.

"Here," I said passing him the styrafoam cup before sitting next to him, bumping my shoulder against his.

"Oh, thank you." He said making happy sounds as he took a sip from the cup. "I needed this shit."

"So, you really aren't going to tell me what we're doing?" I asked as I sipped at my own coffee.

"To tell you the truth," He mumbled. "I have no idea. This is as far as I got in my planning."

Laughing at him I rolled my eyes, taking another drink from my coffee as he jumped up, moving over to the pump when it clicked to signal it had reached forty dollars.

"Why don't we sit here and make a plan together so we don't waste gas," I suggested once he had returned to my side.

"Sure," He shurgged, jumping back up and grabbing his cup of coffee once more.

"What about the park?" I suggested giving a small shurg.

"We always do the park, how about we shake it up a bit since it's your special day," He said making me blush a bit.

"Because I am oh so special," I muttered sarcastically.

"Hey now," He said bumping his shoulder against mine before grabbing my hand, lacing his fingers through mine. "You're special to me."

The blush brightened against my pale skin, becoming more noticable even in the cold air. If Alex noticed the coloring in my cheeks he didn't say anything, but I guessed from the small smile he was trying to hide that he did.

"Movies at my place?" I asked trying to switch the topics.

"What about your dad? Won't he freak out?" Alex asked making me give a small groan as I remembered.

"Yeah, I forgot about that." I sighed. "Movies at your place?"

"I don't know how my parents will react to that either," He mumbled before leaning back against the glass of the back windshield lightly, pulling me down with him.

I was about to respode again, but a car pulled up beside us at the next gas pump, a tall, familiar girl climbing out it.

"Shit," Alex cursed noticing her as well, his voice making her look over.

"Well if it isn't you two," Lisa spat, her face instantly tightening up with bitterness. "What would you possibly doing at a gas station in the middle of the night?"

"Nothing you need to worry about Lisa," Alex said as he moved off of the trunk, grabbing my hips and lifting me down before going to the driver's side.

Following his lead, I got into the car as well, pulling the seat belt across myself just before Alex pulled away, leaving her behind us.

"I'm sorry," He sighed, pulling the beanie off of his head and running his free hand through his hair. "She ruins everything."

"It's fine Alex," I said, placing a hand on his arm and pulling the hand away from his hair, lacing my fingers through his as he drove. "How about we wait until it's light out and regular people are actually awake, and then we can go and do something."

"Alright," He said, looking over at me and smiling. "Do you want me to drop you off at home?"
Shifting in the seat slightly, I felt a bit of a blush rise into my face once more.

"Only if you stay with me."