Darling, I Just Can't Go On

"Dad, I wanted to talk to you about something," I muttered softly as I stood quietly in the doorway to the kitchen, him sitting at the table with a newspaper spread out in front of him one morning before school.

"What is it Andi?" He questioned, me taking that as a signal to sit down at the table across from him as he folded the paper up neatly into it's original shape.

"It's about college," I said, the shock and surprise restating from his face was something I had been expecting. We had never really talked about it before or what I planned to do after high school, so me being the one to bring it up to him instead of the other way around was just a shock.

"What about it?" He asked sitting back. "Do you want to start applying to places?"

"Well actually I have already." I said, the look of shock only deepening on his face. "And I got accepted to most of them."

"Alright well it seems like you already have this all planned out," He sighed. "Why are you bringing this up to me?"

"Well the one that I want to go to is in New York," I said, my fingers starting to fidget nervously. "I only got a partial scholarship so I'll still have to pay some of the tuition, but still it's only half as opposed to all of it."

"Why New York? Why so far?"

"The one I got accepted to is one of the best photography schools in the nation and I got in on scholarship," I explained. "This is a really big deal and it's an amazing chance for me to get my work out into the world and make something of myself."

"So is it in the city?" He asked, finally caving into what I was saying.

"Yeah actually," I started, my voice filled with excitement. "The campus is only a few blocks away from Central Park and I was thinking I could find a cheap apartment around that general area and then just walk to school and everything."

"That does sound really nice," He mumbled, but you could hear the admittance in his voice.

"The reason I wanted to talk to you about it actually is that I was wondering if we could make a trip up there? Take a look at the campus and maybe even look at some of the apartments around that area?"

A small smile began to form on his face as he sat silently, his arms crossed lightly over his chest as he looked at me. My head tilted to the side in confusion at his staring, confusion mixing across my face at he stayed quiet.

"What?" I questioned, sitting back self consciously.

"You're being very mature about this," He stated. "But what about that Alex boy? What's he going to do after high school?"

I felt my expression fall into a frown, my eyes casting downward at his words.

"He's uh, him and the band are going to start touring after they graduate," I explained softly. "They all decided that they're not going on to college or anything. They want to focus on their music right now."

"But you're still leaving?"

I nodded slowly, knowing just what he was getting at. I was leaving for bigger and better things and Alex was staying in the same place to work on music. Our friendship would obviously fail in my dad's mind, we would drift apart due to the distance.

I knew he was right, but I didn't want to admit that to myself.

~~

I curled up in bed later that same night, my phone turned off and the music on low as I laid in the darkness. For once I was willingly letting my mind take over it's own path and run through any and all possibilities of how my situation was going to work out.

Alex was the most important person in my life, I owed my very life to him in the end of things, and I didn't want to leave him. I wanted nothing more than to stay by his side throughout the recording and the touring and All Time Low making it big and being rockstars but I knew it couldn't happen.

I needed to go on to a new horizon, to learn and to progress in a new environment. I couldn't let myself depend on Alex being with me at all times for the rest of my life because I knew that in the end he would always be away in one form or another.

He'd be off on a tour I couldn't go on or when he was around he'd constantly be busy and working and recording; He wouldn't have the time for me.

I needed to learn to fend for myself and learn to deal with things on my own.

I craved to have him with me, taking the trip to New York and picking an apartment with me, one we could share.

It had been months since I realized my feelings for him, but in the end I knew not to act on them. In the pit of my stomach I knew that we wouldn't work out and that allowing myself to fall into those feelings would just end with me hurt and alone.

Rolling from one side to another I came face to face with the few picture frames that stood on my nightstand, each one weighing down on my already heavy heart.

The first being of Alex and I on the day he had carried me to the park after band practice when it was snowing. He was sticking his tongue out and making a stupid face while my face my pressed right against his as I stayed perched on his back.

The next was of him, Jack, and Rian on one of our numerous movie nights, Alex laying across Rian and Jack's laps and in the process of blowing the camera a kiss while the other two were looking over to Zack who had been talking about something that I didn't quite remember.

The final one had always brought a smile to my face, and probably always would. Jack was standing just in the doorway of my room, it had been after one of the many band practices when they decided to take over my house before going home. He was being his normal goofy self and I had managed to snap the picture right after he hand pulled his shirt up but right before he screamed, "GIRLS GONE WILD!"

A heavy sigh filtered from my lips as I rolled onto my back, not being able to look at the pictures any longer. They just made my heart being to ache as I realized what I would have to do and what I was going to do to the guys.

In my mind it was the only way, and the thought of it made my stomach twist, but not in the good way like when Alex would pull me into a tight bear hug or hold my hand when we walked together. It was a sickening tug that made me feel guilty as I continued to plan everything.

I just hoped and prayed that in the end that they would understand why I did what I was going to do and that they wouldn't hate me as much as I was starting to hate myself for even thinking of it.

I hoped that in the end I wouldn't break Alex's heart as much as mine was breaking with each passing moment.