Darling, I Just Can't Go On

When Alex finally awoke, the first thing he thought was how much his back hurt from falling asleep outside with Andi. The second thought was the fact that it was the day that him and the guys were finally leaving for tour.

Getting out of bed quickly he grabbed the pants he had been wearing the night before and a clean pair of boxers he moved towards the bathroom when he heard something hit the floor lightly.

Looking down, he saw a small, folded up piece of paper lying on the carpet. Thinking it was something that had fallen out of his pants he ignored it and carried on to take a shower so he could finish packing in time for when the guys and Matt showed up with their tour van.

He showered quickly, his thoughts moving around his head rapidly as he thought about what the shows would be like, if there'd be fans at the different shows, but most of all he thought about how much he wanted Andi to be able to go.

With his lower half dressed he towel dried his hair as he entered his room again, noticing the crumpled square of paper right off. With a shrug he leaned down and picked it up, unfolding it to reveal a two page letter in Andi's hand writing.

Thinking back he realized that she must have slipped it into his jeans pocket when she had hugged him the night before.

Alex,

This letter has written itself in my head more times than I can count. But in all of those different versions, and all of the words never to be written, one things is always the same...

Thank you.

There are lists upon lists of why I need to thank you, but the main thing is that you saved my life. You saved me from myself, and that's more than anyone has ever been able to do.

By the time you read this, I'll probably be on my way to New York with my dad already. You'll be getting ready to leave for tour, or maybe even half way to the first venue if you're wearing the jeans from last night like I know you will.

I'm not skipping my goodbye, because in the end, this is it. When I hugged you goodnight, God I never wanted to let you go... Because I knew that it would be the last time that I'd get to see you, get to hug you, for a long time.

Basically, I'm being a coward. I'm leaving you with nothing but a note as a goodbye because in the end I know I'll just end up hurt. We made promises to keep in touch, always text each other and talk on the phone if we're not busy. You'll make trips up to see me in New York and I'd come and see you when I go to visit my dad at home.

But there's only one way that I see it ending. We start to fade, the calls stop and we're left with just texts, but then suddenly the texting stops too. You get busy with recording or touring or just being a musician in general. I'll be working on school or hopefully a job in a few years, but we'll have drifted too far apart to share our joy.

I can see all of this happening because distance kills relationships, that's why those long distance ones almost never really work out for couples.

So really, this is just me jump starting that. I'd rather lose you now knowing that we share some of the best memories I'll ever have, than have it all fade away and leave me without my best friend. Because if I lose you now with it being my own choice, then I know I won't lose you painfully with the distance put between us.

Please, don't let this distract you from tour or your music. Make each and every show your very best and let those kids know how much it means to you. Show them everything you're got.

I know you're going to make it big and you're going to go on to do bigger and better things, bigger than a broken girl in New York.

As I try to write this my hands are unsteady and shaking, my heart beating out of my chest as I try to hold back the tears. I'll miss you more than anything, and knowing that you won't be by my side or just a few minutes away now tears me to shreds.

I don't even know what to say anymore but I don't want this to be over yet, I'm not ready for it to be over.

I've known for a while that this was how it was going to end, but each day that passed made me regret it more and more because the thought of losing you made my heart ache. Last night was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, walking away from you.

I never thought when you sat down across from me at that table in the library that I'd earn a best friend and a savior, someone to fix me when I broke and patch me up when I fell. Someone who would make me a better person, the person that I am now, one who's going off to college on scholarship in one of the biggest cities.

I owe everything to you Alex, because you fixed me...You saved me. Without you, I don't think I would have made it through the rest of high school. Without you I might have just ended it and left my father with no one. But you're the one who stopped me. You're the one who gave me the strength to over come and to conquer.

God, now I'm just rambling away but I'm not quite ready to say my final goodbye yet.

A few years from now, I want to hear your names on the streets, see All Time Low: Sold Out on venues in New York. I want to know you've made it, because I swear you have it in you.

I want to be able to say, "Those were my best friends." Because honestly, you guys were the best friends I could have ever asked for. You guys are more than I deserve with the way I'm ending this, but God did you all make such a big difference in my life. Those movie nights and the band practices in Rian's garage will be memories I'll always cherish.

Just know that I'll always love you and you'll always be my best friend.

xoxo
Andi