Darling, I Just Can't Go On

By the time that Friday rolled around, I knew that I wouldn't be able to handle another day in the prison building they called a school.

And so I called the school's office, spinning a story of how I was sick and wouldn't be coming in, getting much sympathy from the secretary when I forged a coughing fit.

"Alright honey, we hope you feel better soon." She said with a caring tone seeping through her words.

I just hung up the phone and went to lay back down. I sunk into the mattress and let a content sigh escape me. It had been a hectic week and there was nothing I was craving more than to just curl up and relax for a day when I knew that no one would be bothering me.

Most of the day was spent in bed, although I did end up watching TV for a little bit while I nibbled on some food, my stomach turning uncomfortably at the thought of most foods.

But even as I tried to keep myself occupied, my mind would drift off into a place of its own where I couldn't control my thoughts. The main person of the reeling thoughts ended up being Alex, which only confused me.

Why had he been talking to me all of a sudden? We had spent more than a few years in school together, so why now did he decide to try and make a friendship? Why was he so interested in me all the time? I couldn't help but feel like he had some sort of plan, an ulterior motive of some kind.

But what confused me the most was that feeling I got when he would look at me with his big brown eyes. It was something down in the pit of my stomach, something that I didn't like.

He made my skin crawl whenever we made eye contact, my stomach would flip flop making me uncomfortable. Most of the time I was able to shake it off, push it aside as I concentrated on something other than his analyzing eyes.

And even on my day off of school, it felt like it had been a long day. So when my dad walked through the door at his normal time, I was almost relieved.

"Hey sweetie," He greeted as he walked past the living room and into the kitchen.

"Hey dad," I responded, moving into the kitchen behind him, watching as he started working on dinner right away.

Once a few of the things he needed were out, he brushed his hands off and headed for the stairs.

"I'm going to go change, let me know when the timer beeps if I'm not down by then."

Dinner was quiet between us, as it had been ever since mom up and left, but it was something both of us grew used to.

~

While Andi was sitting silently at the dinner table with her father, Alex was four blocks away at a raging party, a girl hanging off of him the entire night. The alcohol had been flowing ever since he arrived and he took full advantage of it, right down to the shots he took about an hour into the party.

He was drunk and everyone knew it.

He was trying to shut off his mind, and the only way he knew how was to drown himself in the bittersweet taste of liquor. His mind had been racing and nothing he did would shut out the babbling words and the constant flow of thoughts.

All he wanted was to be able to escape his own head, to shut it off and enjoy himself.

Most girls loved it when Gaskarth would get this shitfaced because it gave them the chance to shack up with him. And this night, the girl ended up being Lisa, his long time on and off girlfriend.

They found each other on the dance floor, him with a bottle of Jack Daniels in his hand and her with her ass against his crotch. Her body was flush against his as they grinded into each other, basically having sex with their clothes on from the point of view of everyone else in the room.

It was her who led them away from the main floor and up the stairs, but it was him who pushed her onto the bed.

~~

Later that night I found myself curled up in the corner of my bathtub, a blood soaked razor sitting by my toes as I stared down at the mutilated flesh of my thigh. I had gone deeper than ever and the shooting pain had brought me into the fetal position.

Tears streaked down my face as my mind worked on over-drive.

I had gone to far and all I needed was someone to come and save me. I had always needed someone to save me, but now more than ever.

When my mom left was when it all started. I knew she had been cheating on my dad, but I had thought it was just a fling that would be over soon and we could be happy again.

But then she left and the guilt filled me to the brim. If only I had told my dad, if only I had tried to do more, tried harder to stop her from leaving.

The weight was too much to bare and it drove me right to the blade.

It took months to build up the courage to make each cut deeper, each cut longer.

But in the end, it made me feel better.

It became my one and only vice at that point. I didn't drink or smoke or do drugs.

We all have our own ways of coping. Most of these are some form of self-harming, mine was just a more direct way.