I Knew It From The First Time

*One month later*

Alex slides his hand down the railing of the dark wood crib bars, looking in and examining the jungle-like bedding. The mobile above displays lions, tigers, monkeys. The price on the crib alone makes me want to barf.

"Can't we wait for this?" I ask, noticing the unsure look on his face. "At least until we know if we're having a boy or a girl. It's only one more month."

Alex sighs. "I wish we could wait. You know we can't. We'll be on tour when you find out and by the time we get back, you'll be what - eight months? It'll be too late."

I bite my lip, considering the options and pointing toward the back of the store. "There was... a, um... cheaper set over there."

Alex grabs my hand. "Jamie-"

"I know the boat we're in Alex. Stop pretending. Please." I stammer over the words and my eyes begin to swell up. The lady working in the store stops what she's doing and smiles at me.

Alex doesn't know what to say. He looks around for help. "Don't worry about that now. We need to buy essentials, alright? The generic stuff. The crib and maybe a baby bag or a car seat -"

"Alex!" I clear my throat before going on, lowering my voice, "Can we leave? We can do this tomorrow."

"Jamie, you can't put this off because I'm not exactly -"

"Now. We need to leave now." I beg him. "Before I really get upset, okay? We can discuss this at home."

Alex looks into my eyes, and catching the worry behind them, nods and in a frustrated manner, walks away. I count my steps, making sure I never quite catch up to him. When I get in the car, I turn the stereo up.

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"What was that?" He asks calmly the second we step foot in the doorway. "Damn it, I know you have hormones and shit, but in the middle of that store Jamie? You couldn't take me aside for five minutes?"

I slam my purse down on the table. "Alex! You know as well as I do that if we had bought anything in there today, you would have been down the drain with your money! We need to watch it!"

He doesn't say anything, just takes his beanie off his head and slides it into his pocket. "Who told you that?"

"You did!" My breath hits hard against my throat and I think back to the day Flyzik had taken the boys to our bedroom and had that meeting, how Alex had said he could lose me, how easy it was for him to admit. "The walls are thin Alex! And Flyzik didn't exactly keep it down!"

"He was frustrated Jamie! He doesn't want to see us fall so hard we won't get back up again! He wants the best for us and for everyone else indirectly involved! Don't bring him into this!"

"I'm not!" I scream. "I heard you say it! You said the label cut your income! You thought you could keep it a secret, but for how much longer? Huh? How long were you going to go before you told me that we were borrowing money from Jack or Zack or Rian and Cassadee? Or from Matt, who has a wedding to plan? How long?"

Alex wipes his eyes hurriedly and throws his hands down on the table. "I wasn't lying to you! I didn't want to scare you!"

"Don't you think I'm already scared, Alex?! I'm terrified! You leaving me in the dark isn't helping! Be honest, God damn it!"

"I AM!" He breathes then looks up at me. "Sorry, I didn't mean to... I'm scared too."

I pause for a moment, really studying the emotion welled up behind his deep brown eyes. The circles beneath them, a light purple. His lack of shaving and the crease in his forehead. He has aged years in just months.

"Why can't we be scared together then? Why do you have to involve everyone but me?"

"I'm not Jamie! I'm just trying to do what I think is best! And I'm sorry that I didn't tell you about borrowing money or not having enough. Don't you think about how fucking embarrassing that is for me? I'm the one who's supposes to have this all figured out! I'm the one who, up until a few months ago, was wasting money like I reeled it out of the lake! It's all you, okay? And most the time, I try really hard to understand, but sometimes, you have to acknowledge me too!"

I give in. I sit down at the table and I sink into my hands. I just sit there and sob. For some strange reason, I wish Alex could read my mind and that he would slink over and wrap his arms around my shaking body. Instead, I hear the sound of his sneakers scuffing the tile and then the door shutting.

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I squint through my eyes at the touch of someone slowly lifting me from where I fell asleep in the kitchen. My neck hurts and my back is killing me. I can hear the pop inside my hip.

Alex lays me down in our bed and pulls the sheets up over me. Then he takes the pillow from his side and rummages in a drawer. He leaves the room and I wait for him to come back. He doesn't.

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"Jamie."

"Hmm?" I roll over hurriedly, expecting Alex there. Instead I get Jack. "Oh my God."

He cracks a grin. "And you thought your fantasy of me being the person you wake up to would never come true. Don't worry, I won't tell Alex."

"What are you doing here Jack?" I roll back to my side. Now that I had a small pouch, it felt strange.

"It's not just me. I mean, Flyzik, Rian, Cass, even Zack decided to skip his Cali flight to stay a little longer."

"For what?" My eyes catch the time on the alarm clock. 2:17 AM. "This is not okay."

"Join us out in the kitchen, Jamie." He smiles. "Alex too, he's here."

My heart stops. He told Jack about our fight. He told him. "Jack."

He stops in the doorway, turning on his heel. "Yes?"

"I'm a bitch, aren't I?" I half-laugh, but it's a serious question. I grip the pillow, anticipating his answer.

Jack laughs. "Jamie, c'mon. When we were 15 you pummeled some dude's ass for calling us 'fags'. Bitches ain't got nothin' on you!"

I give him a smile and he winks at me. My heart swells slightly, simply because Jack had that effect on people. He was like a small child giving you a hug when you desperately wanted to feel cared for. He was innocent in the most provocative ways. I couldn't quite peg if his lack of relationships was a personal chocie or not, but it was hard to believe that a girl had never fallen head over heels for him.

I push the sheets back and slowly take steps toward the kitchen. Everyone is sitting around the table in their pajamas. Loose-leaf papers scatter the table, being passed around once in a while. Flyzik and Rian have a calculator in hand, while Cassadee and Jack are writing down things, collaborating with one another. Zack paces, ear glued to the phone, hanging up and making more calls. Alex stumbles around between everyone, checking his phone once in a while, writing things down, grabbing Post-Its and pouring more wine for people.

I must stand there for a good ten minutes before he turns arund, catching my eye. He lets his head fall back to the floor and then hurries toward the open laptop, redirecting the webpage.

"What is this?" My voice is barely audible, but everyone looks up toward me.

Matt answers. "Alex called. He said it was a 911. We're pulling shit together."

"Like what?" I ask.

Matt motions for me to come over. I follow. He slings his arm around my shoulder and gives me a tour as to what everyone is working on exactly. "Jack and Cass are making lists - prices, different stores, this set or that set, neccessities or luxuries - everything. Ri and I are adding things up. It's kind of a factory thing. Cassadee and Jack will pass us the lists and we'll mix things around, find deals. Zack is on the phone with his brand and some partnerships, trying to figure out if he can possibly incorporate a baby line in the upcoming months, score some free junk. And Alex is -"

"I'm pulling the most money I can from my accounts and deciding what needs to go and what doesn't." He says, then continues on with whoever is on the phone. "Marky, I know that -"

Matt smiles at me. "We have your back, Jamie."

For the first time in years, tears of joy splash down my face. "Thank you."

"It's a good thing you're up because Jack thinks he knows the nursery set up already, which he clearly does not, and we need your opinion." Cassadee shoots Jack a sharp look.

He grins. "I DO know Cass! Pirates are unisex! No, pirates ARE sex. Pirate nursery will make for one badass baby."

Matt interrupts. "Look I know I'm not in charge of that whole schema you and Cass have going on, but my vote is for Mickey Mouse."

"Oh, yeah, Matt." Jack says sarcastically. "Because that doesn't just spell out child molester."

"Take that back!" Matt points his finger at Jack and they argue back and forth for several minutes while Cassadee tries every so often to get her own word in.

I glance toward Alex who manages to roll his eyes and shed a light smile in my direction. He mouths the words 'Up to you', and turns back to his conversation.

I sit across from Cassadee who plunges me into baby world. Things still didn't feel okay, but they felt better.

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It's still dark outside, nearing 4 AM when we call it a night. Zack and Jack collapse onto the floor while Rian and Cassadee share the couch. Matt furiously types away on the laptop, even after I turn the light out. Alex follows me back into the bedroom, locking the door and immediately digging into our previous conversation.

"Did you think about what I said?"

I bite my lip. "Yes. And I'm sorry. It's an automatic thing that I thought I was under more pressure than you since I have the evidence presented."

Alex stares down at the small bump that is my stomach now. "I just wish you would think more Jamie. I'm scared. I know that the odds are against us. I know it'll be hard. I know we're going to have to make sacrifices and that this kid is not going to get the essential childhood because of my lifestyle. That kills me. Once in a while, I wish you'd ask if I was okay."

We're quiet for a minute before I bring up the obvious question. "Well are you? Okay, I mean?"

"Sometimes." Alex shakes his head. "I feel like an asswipe for a dad and I"m hardly even there yet."

I grip Alex's hand. "You might live differently and we might not exactly be on par with The Beatles yet, but that's alright. Yoko ruined the band anyway."

Alex chuckles. "Thanks, but as far as being a... a father, I'm nothing."

I kiss him hard, better than we've kissed in a very long time, since the night I found out about the real state of our situation. "You will be great. Love is enough for now, and you know what, the money thing, we'll save. We'll save really hard and in the end, we'll have enough. I can wait until after this tour."

"You'll be -"

"Nearly there. I know." I lean my head into the crook of his neck. "I'll power through it."

"Hopefully by then Zack will know more. And I'm trying to talk Marky into letting JAGK and AWG collaborate for an infant line. He isn't going for it but -"

"Things will play out in time, Alex."

We spend a good minute looking into each other's eyes, melting into one another. And some of the things I had said, I acted so sure, and we both knew there was no guarantee, but in that minute, anything was believable. It was that moment in Peter Pan when the children in the world shout out 'I do believe in fairies. I do. I do.'. Anything was possible in that moment and nothing was going to break that.

As quietly as possible, we slip out of our clothes and underneath the sheets.