I Knew It From The First Time

London had been great. Sight seeing with the boys was as expected. Jack had harrassed several British guards and occupied his time by running through flocks of pigeons and having people stare us down. Once or twice there was a fan who picked out one of the boys from the crowd and eagerly asked for autographs. It was lovely.

Now I sat in the merch booth with Vinny, watching as Alex sang his heart out to a group of kids who knew every word by heart. He and Jack showed their usual on-stage (and off-stage) display of affection, while Rian and Zack just kept smiling, not talking too much. The rush was still to hit us at the merch stand and I braced myself for the loads of teenage girls who were new to the fandom, asking what my name was, who I was, did I sleep with Alex, the usual.

I was praying London would be different.

"Last one for tonight guys! It's an oldey from our album So Wrong, It's Right. Here's Six Feet Under the Stars! I wanna hear you fucking sing!" Alex yells and in reply, the crowd explodes.

"Ready for the mob?" Vinny asks, sitting up a little straighter and making sure he's as organized as possible for quick grabs.

"How many merch booths have I helped you at Vinny?" I joke. "Can one really be prepared for a mob?"

"You haven't seen these foreign kids yet. Wait until we get to Japan." He shakes his head. "Be ready to defend your man."

"We love you, London!" Alex screams and throws out his guitar pick. "Stay beautiful!"

"I just want to make out with you all in the back of my mom's mini-van!" Jack adds.

As the boys wave goodbye from the stage and the crew emerges to clean up, the fans realize hope of an encore is extinguished. With their heads sinking in that first moment of post-concert depression, they begin walking like the dead toward us, the only physical piece of remembrance they'll have for the night. If you have ever imagined being attacked by swarms of human-sized squirrels, this was it - times ten.

I try as hard as I can to hand out t-shirts, stickers, albums, and posters as Vinny calls them and hurriedly makes change and swipes cards. Sweat dots my forehead and my feet, swollen already from walking all day, are threatening to give in. On top of this, there is the constant yelling on Vinny's part, mostly in code that I sometimes forget. Although the after concert rush is at most half an hour, it seems more like three.

"Sorry. I was slow tonight." I apologize as Vinny packs what is left into boxes and loads them onto the cart.

He shrugs. "I was nervous about you. I should have remembered you have special circumstances now. You shouldn't be doing hard labor."

"Is the hard labor a joke or -?" Vinny cracks a grin. Satisfied I help carry the small packages to the bus awaiting us outside.

"Of course dude!" I can hear Rian's voice ring out from my left as the boys sign.

I look toward Alex who is posing for a picture with a pink-haired girl. His tired eyes are on fullblast and his smile is light. He spots me and gives a small wave which a couple girls waiting to meet him catch. A few recognize me and I immediately curse myself for acknowledging him as they walk over. Here goes.

"Jamie, right?" One points at me, like we are old friends or something. She has braces and sports a band shirt that isn't ATL, but none-the-less, she knows me proving her expertise on the guys.

I nod. "Exactly right."

"I've followed you on Twitter forever!" Another girl in the group smiles at me. "You're so funny!"

"I love the videos you post, especially. And the pictures of you and the guys are absolutely adorable!" The first one.

"Thank you." I try my best to seem sincere, but give a slight grimace to Alex who is trying not to laugh.

"What's it like?" A new girl has joined the group wearing a JAGK shirt and colored jeans. "Being best friends with sex gods?"

I stifle a giggle and shrug my shoulders. "They're just my best friends, no different than yours. They're nice, funny when they try."

The group gushes for a minute more before I make up an excuse to leave, claiming that I have to help Vinny finish up with the merch. Relief overwhelms me. I make a reminder to send out Flyzik or someone beforehand next time to save me from the awkward questions.

"Sleeping on the bus tonight?" I ask. The crew stands near the door, waiting for the fans to completely disappear before they head out.

"Yes ma'am. When you wake up tomorrow morning we'll be in Birmingham." Flyzik replies, hardly looking up from his clipboard.

For a while, we stand there, making small talk, every once in a while pressing our ears to the door to test the amount of commotion outside. It is evident when the boys disappear because the sound of voices diminishes slowly with them. I'm the first to exit the concert arena and take my place on the first bus. Alex is in the shower.

I sigh and collapse into our bunk which is barely large enough for the two of us. I haven't even thought of what we are going to do once I actually have a pregnancy belly. I brush the idea off, the least of my worries at the moment.

Alex decorated our bunk. I felt it wasn't my place to invade what has always been his. There isn't much. There's the push light above which doesn't work when Flyzik lies down in his bunk above us and there's the world's smallest television which pops out just in front of the light. My favorite part are the crooked pictures he took the time to tape up on the wall. One of all of us - Flyzik, Zack, Rian, Jack, myself, and Alex - when we were just 12, sitting around Alex's parent's backyard by the pool. Another is simply Alex and Jack, embracing at their graduation. One of the entire All Time Low band and crew from the last tour they went on. And then there is one of myself and Alex, taken not too long before that summer, before everything changed, back when we were just friends.

"Hey baby." Alex scoots himself into the bunk. He smells like soap and his hair soaks the pillow. "What are you doing up?"

"I was just about to fall asleep." I assure him.

He takes a look at the wall and grins. "If you want you can add pictures."

"No." I object. "I like it the way it is. I really do."

We don't speak anymore. We lay in bed and I'm sure Alex is asleep before I am, although I'm tired as hell. The lights are shut off in the main part of the bus signaling that the last person awake has tried for sleep. Across from us, Jack snores. I turn and stare hard into the photographs taped to the wall until the faces become blurred into my dreams.

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*One and a half weeks later*

"I have to say this is the strangest experience I've ever had. And that's saying something." Alex shakes his head.

The doctor looks up at me. "Trust me. I've dealt with worse in my time."

I think I'm going to vomit. Here we were, somewhere in the UK in the back of our tour bus, with a doctor who Cassadee had conveniently told Alex to set up a meeting with while we here. He had carried the necessary equipment with him and set up, all the while Alex looked like he was going to jump out of a window.

And then came the most nerve wracking part - boy or girl.

"Here's the heartbeat." The doctor points as he shows me every piece of the baby. "An arm, and here are the little figners, the little nose."

"He's not a bean anymore." Alex mumbles.

The doctor laughs. "How do you know it's a 'he' yet?"

Alex smiles humbly. "I have a feeling."

"Would you like to know the gender?" The doctor looks between us. "I can tell you now that you're just short of five months."

I exchange a look with Alex. His face is screaming yes, but instead he says, "Your decision babe."

I look at the little person on the monitor. The little baby that was once a bean inside of me who now has a nose and tiny fingers. And 'it' was now a 'he' or 'she'. And I thought I would always want to know, up until now I had, in fact, dreamed of knowing. But in these dreams, the baby was in my arms when I knew. Maybe a sign.

I bite my lip and glance at Alex, at the window where our friends were just outside, awaiting to hear the news, then back at Alex and to the doctor again, patiently surveying me for an answer.

"I... I don't know."

Alex looks at me for a minute in complete surprise. In utter shock, his jaw hangs down slightly. He comes closer to the couch where I am lying and puts his hand on my forehead.

"Are you running a fever?" He asks.

I look back up at the doctor. "Can we have a minute?"

He smiles and nods. "Just let me know when you two are ready."

"Seriously Jamie. Are you feeling okay?" Alex looks concerned. "We've... I mean you... you've wanted to know since you found out. Right?"

I bite my lip. "Give me a minute to weigh the options. Please."

Alex hesitates, runs his fingers through his hair, and sighs, leaning back against the wall. "Please, God, make the 'yes' side of the scale the one they use on The Biggest Loser."

One million and one outcomes fly through my head. Boy. Girl. Surprise. Boy. Girl. Surprise. Boy. Girl. Surprise. I look at Alex one more time with his head pressed up against the wall and his hands enfolded in prayer. I roll my eyes.

"I know, Alex." I whisper and stare into his deep brown eyes, pleading me. "I know what I want."

He eagerly looks at me, then stumbles over toward the door to summon the doctor, tripping over the floor in his hurry. I take deep breaths. This was the second step into the baby future, all in my hands. I shut my eyes as I hear the door click. Everyone was waiting.