I Knew It From The First Time

"What's your decision?" The doctor looks at me, already knowing that Alex has no choice in the matter.

Behind him Alex stands with his arms folded, looking at me like if he stares hard enough, he can push his opinion into my mind. I let out a deep breath and reach for his hand. Without opening my eyes, I feel his fingers slide into place with mine.

"I'm ready." I nod.

The doctor gives us a slight smile of victory and brings the baby back onto the screen. This was the last moment that my imagination could really run free with the idea of a boy or a girl. That thought came with a bit of nostalgia and I looked up toward Alex who was completely immersed in the ultrasound, ignoring me lying on this table and regretting having made the decision. I squeeze his hand.

"Congratulations on your baby boy." The doctor points out the evidence and Alex lets out a small noise in the back of his throat. I glance at him. The grin on his face is ear to ear, the biggest I had seen since before LA.

"Thank you." He finally manages to say once he has caught his breath. "So much."

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Jack lays out bubble gum cigars with packages that say "It's a BOY" on them. I didn't ask, but I assumed he had managed to find them in a strange gas station that I didn't trust. I push them a little further down the table.

"I think these are ususally reserved for after the birth." Rian picks one up and getting the same idea I had, drops it into the trash behind his back.

"We'll be toasting shots at the birth, Rian. C'mon, Jamie can't drink!" Jack shoves him and he exchanges a look with Flyzik who just shrugs.

Alex grabs for a fake cigar and I stop him, pulling his hand back to the table. "Don't eat those."

He gives me a confused look, but shrugs it off, biting off one end anyway. I shake my head and wish Cassadee was here. Cassadee. That was right.

"Rian, have you talked to Cass lately?" My head whips back toward him.

"This morning, why?"

"I need to talk to her." My words can't come out fast enough. "I promised I would tell her."

"I sent her a picture." Alex stops Irish dancing with Jack for a moment to answer me. "She sent her congratulations and said she'd see us soon."

"How soon is soon?" I ask urgently. I missed her terribly now that I thought about it.

Rian laughs. "A few weeks. Calm down Jamie. Are we really killing you?"

"It would be nice to have a girl here once in a while." I mumble. No one hears me.

"Names! We need names!" Jack claps his hands. "I'm thinking -"

"Nothing from Star Wars. You two can take that off your list right now." I add.

Alex pouts his bottom lip while Jack sulks slightly. "C'mon baby."

"Absolutely not! I will not have a baby named after God knows what kind of intergalactic freak."

"How about -"

"Not Kevin. Don't even say McCallister." Alex interrupts Jack before he can carry the idea cross further.

"You guys are no fun." Jack bites off another piece of his stale bubble gum cigar and struggles to chew through it. I stifle a laugh.

"Alex, I was thinking you could help me with the Amerrickan Baby line." Zack jumps into the conversation as he shuts his laptop. "Since Marky wouldn't go for the AWG Babies yet. I figured if Amerrickan proved well, AWG and JAGK could kind of latch on."

"That would be great Zack." Alex scoots into the booth by the table next to him and they begin discussing the idea intently. I hear something about baby beanies if AWG is ever open for a baby line before I tune out and my thoughts are back onto the expenses.

Alex neglected to remember that even if Zack could pull a line together in three months and get us free stuff, none of that accounted for the furniture, the diapers, the formula, none of it. Even asking for bottles off of Zack's line would really be pushing things. I kiss Alex on the cheek and go to take a shower.

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*Three weeks later*

As if I didn't ache enough a month before, now my feet were killing me and my back wasn't doing all too well either. Exploring new cities with the boys turned out to be the boys slowly keeping pace with me, lying to themsleves and me, saying they didn't mind. Most days, I was sick of myself and I would insist on staying back at the hotel while Alex, Jack, Rian, Zack, and the crew saw the wonders of the world.

Even my clothes were uncomfortable now. Everything was hot or itchy or tight. And the things that weren't all seemed to be baggy without a speck of decently cute design. And that was me now, sitting backstage with Flyzik, Danny, Jeff, and some of the other guys, in one of Alex' s t-shirts, trying to pretend this wasn't noticeable. I look down at the small pumpkin that has now become my stomach.

From around the corner I could see the hundreds of fans screaming at them, even screaming for the crew. I wince thinking about how easily this could all be lost. All I had to do was say the truth and careers would be crushed in my very own hands.

"You okay there?" Evan puts his hand on the small of my back, not bothering to take his eyes off of Jack who is climbing onto a speaker. "You gonna be sick?"

"No. I'm alright. Just thinking." I assure him.

He hesitantly smiles at me. "We parked the bus as close the stage as we could, in case you needed to go around back. The boys can walk. Don't worry about them."

"Thanks Evan." I bite my lip and hurriedly ask my next question before he moves along. "How much longer do you think we have?"

Evan looks down at my stomach, knowing exactly what I mean. "Aren't you just under three months right now? That's terrifying."

I laugh at the smallness of his voice in the end. "We're about five and half months along, yes. I mean, how long can I keep hiding this baby belly from the fans?"

Evan grimaces. "To be honest Jamie, I think you might be able to go one more month, but that's pushing it. That's really pushing it."

I nod. "I haven't even asked Alex about it. He said he would worry about it, but -"

"He won't." Evan finishes for me. "Alex has always been a bit of a 'If we don't talk about it, maybe it doesn't exist' type of person. Just talk with him Jamie. He'll release a statement. Hopefully not over twitter, but maybe Matt can book them an interview to get the news out there."

"Evan! Where the fuck are you?" Jeff screams.

"There's my cue." He rolls his eyes and hugs me, reminding me that the bus is just out back if I needed anything. I nod and look out at Alex who has just started his Therapy speech.

This was my favorite part. Everyone in the auditorium would get really quiet, listening carefully to each and every word Alex chose, different at each venue, different depending on what he had seen or heard or felt that day. It was unique, like a finger print. Even Jack would settle for just a moment to hear what Alex had to say. I lean up against the wall and watch Alex as he reaches his hand out to grab the mic.

"Sad to say we're almost done here guys." The audience whines and Alex lets out a reluctant laugh.

"I know, I know, but hey, we'll be back for your virginities!" Jack shouts, raising the crowd up again.

"Calm down here asshole, we have minors in the audience!" Alex clears his throat and laughs again. "I wanted to close for ya'll with a little speech and a little song, one of my favorites ever written, in fact."

Someone in the crowd yells up something and Jack responds for Alex. "He's getting sentimental here! Save it for the band sluts!"

"Thanks man, thanks." Alex paces the stage. "Alright, listen to me here. You are all so fucking fabulous. God, just look at you guys, you're beautiful! People in your life are going to tell you otherwise alright? People are going to frown on your decisions, and they're going to criticize you no matter what you do. So you know what, fuck it. Live life how you want! I promise, I fucking swear, that the four of us up here are going to love you through it all! Be you, alright guys? Be you."

The crowd roars and Alex looks over to where he knows I am on the side of the stage. He shouts, still looking at me, "We love you!"

He begins the first verse, picking up his guitar. He glances back just quick enough to see me mouth 'I love you too' and smiles, turning back to his people. He hardly knows it, but he saved a life tonight in that audience. I put my hands on my belly, feeling lucky at least about one thing in life.

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"Great show doll." I say as Alex loops his arm around me. "No appearance tonight?"

He shakes his head. "We get a hotel room tonight. And I'm kicking Jack out."

"Does he know that?"

"He will when he comes back and the door has been locked." Alex snickers.

"Alex!" I hit him softly.

He holds his hands up in surrender. "I'll leave a blanket and pillow in the hall, alright?"

I glance around and finding that we are all alone, smashed between the bus and the back of the stage, I steal a moment for us. We face each other and I allow Alex to wrap his arms around my waist, while I lift my hands up to touch his scruff.

"You need to shave." I whisper.

He leans his forehead against mine. "Shush now."

His lips lock onto mine, spot on and it's like the first time again. A good show and a good postshow kiss and maybe later on some good postshow sex. It sounded like a vacation to me. I allow him to push me up against the bus, gently, feeling a rush of electricity run through my veins. I realize how long it has been and the excitement of getting back to that hotel makes my heart speed up, but until then, I can't seem to pry myself away from his breath mingling with mine, from our lips gracefully touching, from my fingers intertwining with his hair. I couldn't pull myself away. Not tonight.

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We stumble through the hallway, having taken a cab while the crew loaded up. We waited for five minutes before Flyzik gave us one look and told us to get out of there. I giggle as Alex fumbles for the hotel key, cursing slightly under his breath and refusing to remove his mouth from mine.

"I would pull us both onto this bed, but I don't want to hurt you." He takes a step back from me, examining the room for a way to do this. "How can I still be romantic about this?"

"Alex?"

"Yeah."

I throw his beanie onto the ground and tug at the collar of his shirt. "Shhh."

He bites my lip and pulls me up so that my legs are wrapped around his waist. He leans us down carefully, like glass dolls, into the sheets. Clothes is thrown and the blankets are shoved on top of us at some point. When it's all over, deep into the night, we lay awake, wrapped in each other's arms while the room lies in a hurricane sort of state.

"I love you." He whispers when he thinks I've finally gone to sleep. "So very much."

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Rapid and hard knocking on the door wakes me up. Alex groans, throwing a pillow over his head. "What time is it?"

I check the alarm next to our bed. "It's almost 6."

"No, we don't have a wake up call for another two hours. Come on!" He rolls out of bed, picking his boxers up off the floor. I stay in bed, tangled in the sheets as he opens the door. "What?"

"Have you checked Twitter? Tumblr? Any social media site since last night?" Flyzik.

"No, why should I?"

"Trust us, you'll want to see this."

"It's not exactly great, Alex." Jack. He sounds nervous.

"What? What's going on? Give me a second, okay?" Alex slams the door then calls out to me. "Get dressed."

"What happened?" I ask, groggily picking my things up from the floor.

"I'm not sure." Alex slides back into last night's sweaty clothes, not caring and opens the door again the second I have my shirt back into place. Jack holds his phone in Alex's face. "Oh. My. God."

"We told you." Jack says quietly.

I grab the phone from Alex and scroll up. Pictures of Alex and I standing in front of the bus, kissing last night emerge everywhere. Some of them even point out past pictures of me, my shirts getting bigger, my stomach emerging more and more. Comments beneath the pictures are arguing every which way about what it is, some defending us and others throwing out hurtful things. I can't feel my lungs expanding anymore. I wonder if they're still there.

"Jamie? Jamie?" Alex has his hand on my forehead. "Oh my God, I'm going to fix this, I swear to you, I'm fixing this, alright."

His voice passes over me. Jack talks rapidly and Flyzik hands me a glass of water. Somewhere, Rian talks about calling Cassadee. I can see the crew in the doorway, watching me. Alex sits on the bed next to me, assuring me that he'll get this fixed today. Things will be okay tomorrow. It goes in one ear and out the other. Even Alex had to know, this was it, there was no easy fix and no matter what he said or did, this was the moment that was going to change the band forever. This was the deciding factor.