I Knew It From The First Time

"Alex?" I roll over groggily with the little room I have. The bus is silent and dark. "What are you doing up?"

He doesn't even bother moving his eyes from his phone to look at me as he answers. "Don't worry about it. I couldn't sleep. Too much birthday excitement."

I prop myself up on my elbow. "Are you on Twitter?"

He glances at me and then mumbles out a reply. "Yeah."

"Hypocrite." I tease him. "How are they taking things?"

"Lots of questions." His face is contorted into a face that says he's thinking long and hard about an answer to some of these.

"No, I mean... is it good? Any of it?"

Alex gives me a tired smile. "Go to sleep, Jamie. It's the last time you'll be on the bus in a while. We've only got a little more than a month left."

I take this answer as a negative to my question, but still, I try to listen to Alex and catch some shut eye. It was important now that I would be plagued with flying everywhere, sleeping in airports, and sharing hotel rooms with Jack, who was relentlessly noisy in his sleep. The thing was, whenever I shut my eyes all I could see were the comments, the horrible, horrible replies that lingered all over the Internet tonight. And I was sure that what little I had seen was nothing compared to what Alex had been enduring while I slept.

"We're spending Christmas in a hotel room?" I whisper.

"In Japan, yes." Alex sighs, putting his phone down and giving in to me. "It's not all that terrible though, I promise."

"I've never been with you when we had to stay somewhere for Christmas. Halloween, sure. I think I was even on the tour when it was Thanksgiving and Cass made a turkey and Travis burnt everything else." I smile to myself. "But never a Christmas."

"I've only had one. You remember?" Alex picks his phone up again, unable to resist. "We had to Skype because I was in Arizona. It wasn't the worst thing that could have happened though, now was it?"

I look down at the protrusion of my stomach. "Right."

"Not what I meant, Jamie." He raises an eyebrow and places the hand not occupied by his phone on my stomach. "You know, it didn't happen conventionally, but we can't do anything about it, can we? We have to appreciate the fact that this could be something wonderful. Every struggle usually turns into something brilliant in the end anyway, something worth your while."

"Add that to your blog. Maybe people would understand."

"They're trying, they are, love. It's hard for them too. They think this is it, the end of the band and touring and me. We just have to prove them all wrong."

"And you have a plan for this?" Alex turns his phone off and rolls onto his side so he can look me in the eyes and get his point across.

"Be the best parents we can, first and foremost. Treat each other well with love and respect, trust and honesty. Work harder than ever to keep our other family together - play every show, write every song, produce every record, meet every fan, just try. Never give up. Never do anything halfway. That's the plan." He kisses me, sealing his ideas into my brain. "Now really baby, I need you to get some sleep. Or else it's going to be hell for the rest of tomorrow."

I stifle a laugh. "Will you sing to me, Alex?"

He shakes his head. "Not tonight. I haven't sung someone to sleep in a long time."

"Please." I kiss his neck, his weak spot. "Please."

"Go to sleep, alright?" He pushes the hair out of my eyes and I turn over stubbornly, accepting the quiet that passes along between us as a good night until Alex speaks again. "All I can think of is some words from The Spill Canvas."

I'm quiet. The exhaustion has already rolled over me and my lips feel heavy. I murmur something that can't possibly be understood. In a voice just over a whisper, Alex begins to sing.

"It's the way that you blush when you're nervous.
It's your ability to make me earn this.
I know that you're tired, just let me
Sing you to sleep."

*********************************************************************************

"Jack, you seriously have permission to do this?" Matt looks skeptically as Jack, Alex, Rian, and Zack carry in a Christmas tree to Matt's room where our Christmas Eve will be held tomorrow. "I don't even know where you found that tree."

"Don't worry about it!" He yells back from behind the pine. "The lady at the front desk might have said something, but I didn't understand her so I just took it as 'What a lovely tree!'"

"If I get fined for this -"

"Ey, relax Flyzik! Don't go Scrooge on us now." Vinny laughs from his place on the couch with a beer. "This is good. Makes me want to hold hands and start singing some Whoville Christmas carol shit."

Matt rolls his eyes and flips the TV to a Mickey Mouse holiday special. "Whatever."

I stand near the window looking out at the city. Japan was huge. There wasn't a place here that wasn't lit up by a light, much less surrounded with a few thousand other people. It was New York City times thirty, and that even seemed miniscule. It made me miss Maryland and I reminded myself that I had exactly 24 days left until I was home. I turn away from the window and watch the boys put up some dollar store decorations, trying to make this place a little more bearable.

I smile, glad for their efforts, glad I could be here with Alex and my real family. Which reminded me, I hadn't spoken to my own parents in months. Not that they had bothered contacting me either. Even Alex's parents called regularly to ask about him, myself, Jack, the baby. My own parents? Screw it. I was fine without them.

"Cass is due here at 2 AM!" Rian calls out, breaking my thoughts, then turns to Matt. "When is Jade supposed to arrive?"

Matt smiles to himself. "6 tonight. We're going to catch dinner. And I DON'T want to be bothered until tomorrow after 11! I got my own room for a reason."

"Whoo! Matt!" Jack and Alex swoon. "Getting crazy!"

"Shut it, you two." Matt laughs, point to Alex, Rian, and me. "I got you your own rooms for the same reason so I wouldn't be talking."

"Yeah, but I haven't been sexually deprived for the past -" I hit Alex in the ribs.

"Keep going and you'll be in the same boat as Matt and Rian." I mumble under my breath.

"What I meant to say is, it must be killing you all to be away from the loves of your life this long. I can't imagine not having Jamie -"

"Vomit. Pour me some wine!" Jack screams.

Alex grasps my hand while everyone moves back toward the kitchen for alcoholic beverages. "Let's go check out the view from our room."

"I'm a big fan of that idea, Mr. Gaskarth." I add as he leads us away, down the hall.

*********************************************************************************

I wake up to the sound of Alex's iPod playing American Christmas songs. Baby, It's Cold Outside rings through out the room. I yawn, stretching myself out. The water from the shower in the bathroom hits the wall so hard that I can hear it from bed.

I bite my lip and pull on Alex's button up, lying next to me on the floor. I steadily walk toward the bathroom and pause for a moment outside the door. His voice carried back to me as he sings along to the music. He would never admit it, but I knew well enough after this many years that he was a sucker for Christmas time.

I turn the doorknob and shut the door behind me, dropping his button up to the floor. Alex sings loud, not even noticing that I have come into the bathroom. I can see him from behind the glass shower door. His hair hangs limply before his eyes and without even trying, the muscle in his arms bulges. I slide the door away and climb in.

Alex turns quickly, grinning widely. "I thought you were Jack for a split second."

I giggle. "Merry almost Christmas to you, too."

He grabs me, immediately getting to business. Gently pressing me up against the wall and letting the water run between us. The steam washes around us like a thick fog.

*********************************************************************************

"Where are Rian and Cassadee?" Zack groans. "I'm starving. And no offense to you all, I love you, but let's face it - we all just want a bread roll."

"I'm actually eyeing that present right there, the biggest one." Jack replies.

"Midnight, Jackalope. " Alex reminds him. "Midnight is presents."

The door to the hotel room squeaks open and we all turn our attention the entry. Rian emerges, dressed in his best.

"Where's Cassadee?" I ask, breaking the silence.

Rian smiles at me. "She's coming."

"Well I hope that whatever you guys were up to was important because you've been holding the rest of us back from dinner for about 45 minutes now. No big deal." Zack shrugs sarcastically.

"It was." Rian looks at Matt whose arm is permanently glued to Jade's side. They exchange a glance. "We have a surprise."

"More presents?!" Jack jumps up from the couch.

"Not for you. More like a present for Cass and I. One really big present..." Rian trails off. "You guys might want to sit for this."

"Is everything alright?" I bite my lip. Where was Cassadee already?

"More than that." Rian holds back a grin, nodding. "We're happier than ever with this."

"With what?" Alex pushes on. "C'mon man."

"You'll see!" Rian laughs as the door swings open. "Right now."

Cassadee comes around the corner. And Rian was right. We would see.

"Hi everybody." She says quietly. "Merry Christmas."

No one answers. We're all stuck in awe. My breath gets caught up in my throat. Jack is the first to form words.

"Oh my God, Cass."

"How long has this been... Jesus, you guys, when we left... You weren't even... I mean... How long?" Alex shakes his head in disbelief.

"You're bigger than Jamie, Cassadee!" Jack exclaims.

Cassadee and Rian laugh. Rian kisses her cheek as she balances her hands on the basketball under shirt and explains. "It wasn't easy hiding it, trust us, especially not after Jamie and Alex. But big t-shirts have become my best friend."

"You must be almost due Cassadee." I manage. "You've been pregnant longer than I have."

"Just one month longer." She nods. "I found out three weeks before you did. So yeah, I guess I'm almost there, aren't I?"

"Matt knew." Rian starts, glancing in his direction. "Which is a part of the reason he freaked out on you, Alex. With Cass and I first, then you and Jamie, not to mention the engagement. It was all a little much. Do you understand now?"

Alex nods, unable to speak.

"Was this... planned? You said you were -"

Rian interrupts Danny. "Happy. We are. It doesn't matter if we planned it. But we've figured everything out and I have the finance to back us up. Thank God I never used that college trust my grandparents had for me, right?"

I look around. Everyone is on their feet now and Zack seems to have forgotten about his hunger.

"Girl or boy?" I ask.

Cassadee shrugs. "We don't know yet."

"Are we even going to be home when Cassadee has this baby?" Alex says. "Because Jamie is going to eight months when we get back and that's pushing things."

"If everything goes as planned, we'll arrive home the day before Cassadee's due date. Now let's hope that this baby doesn't plan on moving things along earlier."

"How the hell did you keep this a secret?" Zack finally adds into the conversation.

"Let's just say a lot of in-home recordings have been going on. I haven't taken a step outside of my neighborhood in months. It was horrible, but that bridge has been crossed now. I released a statement yesterday before my flight took off." Cassadee explains.

"The fans are actually 90% supportive, 10% negative, which is way better than we expected." Rian looks to Alex, communicating this to him. "I think they're getting used to the idea that life happens."

We all stand still for a few minutes before Zack pushes us aside.

"Life happens, exactly! I'm happy for you guys, and I'd make a toast, but I need some brain food before I bring out my inner Gandhi. Can we eat now?!"

Alex kisses my head and I steal a glance toward Cassadee and Rian, who are beaming at each other. Jade and Matt are wrapped up in each other and Jack and Zack are fighting over a slice of ham. This wasn't Christmas in Japan anymore. It was just Christmas.

*********************************************************************************

"Do you want a boy or a girl?" I ask Cassadee as we pile our presents onto a cart borrowed from the hotel lobby. The boys are no help, but they're immersed in their own fun. Matt and Jade had disappeared an hour ago, but no one had bothered disturbing them.

"I want a girl, but Rian is dead set on a boy." She folds up a shirt she got from Jade, which wouldn't fit her for at least two months now. "Either way, we've agreed that we'll be happy. Which reminds me, I was thinking we could have a combined baby shower, well, post shower for me. Maybe a week or so after the boys get home."

"You won't be exhausted?" I ask skeptically.

She shakes her head. "Jamie, I tour on a bus for more than half the year surrounded by boys. Nothing exhausts me."

We laugh and I lift the last of our presents onto the cart - a pack of diapers from Cass and Rian for the 'Baby Gaskarth' - then jump on the couches next to our boys to join in their own reminiscing.

I wasn't sure at what point I fell asleep resting my head on Alex's lap, but I faintly remember asking him if he could carry me.

"Is that a pun on my inebriated state or are you calling yourself fat? Because I'm drunk, but tomorrow I'll be sober and you'll still be beautiful. Now close your eyes and let me be good husband material or whatever."

That was his response. And it was then that I fell madly in love with the word 'marriage' and murmured something about a wedding before I was completely gone again.