I Knew It From The First Time

Delilah sleeps peacefully curled into a small ball in her little lilac bassinet, her hands pulled up near her face in baby gloves, as Cass and I drink hot tea at her kitchen table. She wore the test products for Zack's line, which Cassadee had been receiving since we were on tour, piece by piece, as Zack added to the line. Today it was tiny baby leggings with a black sweater that bore the All Time Low skull on it in red, white, and blue, 'Amerrickan' slashed across the bottom corner in small print.

Rian, determined to have less emphasis on the butterflies and flowers had dragged Alex and Jack with him to paint the nursery, given that it matched the lilac and dark wood furniture that Cassadee had already added to Delilah's collection. The only thing we were sure of was that the paint was the same color as bubble gum and as long as he kept with the girly color scheme, Cass was happy.

"She never cries." I sigh, stroking the baby's hair.

Cassadee snorts. "You mean she isn't crying right now. She keeps us up all night. Sure during the day she'll sleep until she needs a new diaper or a bottle and then it's right back again into dreamland, but at night - it's miserable."

Cassadee did have newly formed bags beneath her eyes. And the house was messier than usual, sprawled with baby toys and formula, bottles and pacifiers, a bassinet here, a bouncer there. The washing machine banged around loudly in the back room. I look toward the kitchen counter at the stacks of books Cass and Rian had set out for Alex and I to take home.

"Are you sure you aren't going to be needing those?" I ask, gesturing toward the ten or so bible sized books.

Cass nods. "I've read them so many times through that there isn't much more I need to cram on. Besides, a lot of those have the same information. You really only need three or four good Mommy Bibles and some common knowledge of babies. Beyond that, it's a learning experience. Rian and I will improve in time."

"Doesn't it scare you that one day she'll be an adult Cass?" I stare into the baby's small face, so beautiful and pure, hard to imagine that she would ever be much bigger than this. "Before we know it, she'll be walking and talking and then -"

"I don't think about that." Cassadee interrupts me sternly. "I can't think like that. She's my baby. I never could have imagined loving someone more than Rian, but Delilah is the exception."

Cassadee pauses, smiling down at Delilah and pushing her tea aside, then goes on.

"I knew it from the first time. The moment Rian and I saw her on that ultrasound, I knew I loved her so much that it was was overpowering. I can't explain it. And the first time I saw Rian holding her," Cass wipes a tear from her eyes, "The first time I saw Ri take her up in his arms and look down at her, he was so amazed and then he kissed the top of her head and looked at me, and I knew from that first moment that Rian was the one, is the one."

"Forever." I nod.

Cassadee laughs. "Maybe now that I'm not a complete whale, we can actually consider marriage. What about you and Alex?"

"What about us?" I sip at my tea.

"Have you guys talked about forever yet? I know this is all new to you, but haven't you been in love since you were like ten?"

"Eleven." I smile. "And no, I'm not sure if Alex even wants to marry me ever. He's not exactly the marriage type."

"What's that mean?"

I shrug. "He's scared. I would marry him in a second, less than that even, but not because of the baby. Because I love him and I don't think that's ever going to change."

"I think that Alex will marry you, Jamie. Maybe not now or in the next year, but the boy loves you. You can see it in his eyes and in the way he smiles like a complete idiot when he's around you. Give him time."

"I am." I nod, unashamed that Alex needed time. I understood. I wish that I had had more time before being flung into things so fast, a family before a wedding.

"Cass! We're all done here! Come see it!" Rian shouts from the back room.

Cassadee plants a kiss on Delilah's cheek and the baby lets out a small breath. I follow her to the smallest room in the house, Delilah's. Cass plays with the hair band on her wrist, a sign of nerves, and lets out a small gasp just as her daughter had seconds earlier.

The nursery is still painted lilac, just as Cassadee had left it originally, but the butterfly print and flowers are gone, painted over. Bubble gum pink and sky blue paint carefully edge the walls in art. The band around the middle of the room is now the band's skulls mixed in with various instruments. I'm shocked at how well the boys were able to doodle it all up.

"Wow boys, much better than I thought. I actually... I like it." Cassadee grins and kisses Rian in reward. "I wish you have left me with at least a daisy or something, but -"

"Door." Jack says.

Cassadee closes the door behind us and on the back is painted her bright yellow sunflower, her favorite, with a picture frame in the middle, round and perfect for the center of the flower.

"For when you three actually have a family photo." Alex explains.

It's probably just the hormones, but Cassadee brushes away tears in silence and hugs the boys who stand by, admiring their own handy work. I look around at the nursery, so settled and ready for Delilah, and am suddenly jealous of the fact that Cass and Rian had money and time and a future set. Meanwhile, Alex and I hadn't even bought a car seat.

*********************************************************************************

"Baby shower this weekend, don't forget!" Cassadee calls after me as Alex and I climb into the car. "Five days, Jamie, hold onto your little guy for five more days and we're all good!"

"I'll try my best!" I shout back as Alex pulls out of the driveway. The minute we are down the street I slump down, letting my face fall and kicking at the box of books by my feet.

"Something the matter?" Alex asks, glancing at me out of the corner of his eye.

"We don't even have a car seat. We don't have a plan. We have close to no baby clothes. We have absolutely no crib or rocker or changing table. Neither of us know which brand of diapers to buy or which formula to use or how to even mix a bottle and we're only three weeks away. Alex, this isn't okay."

Alex runs his hands through his hair. "Tonight we'll sit up and start reading all the books, alright? Tomorrow we'll go shopping and we'll -"

"Get what we can afford?" I push. "Meaning we'll be lucky if we get half the things we need."

"Zack is sending us over stuff, alright? His line launches the same day your baby shower is so just hold your horses on the entire clothes thing. And he promised us a bouncer, bibs, bottles, and binkies."

"That doesn't mean anything!" I burst into tears. "When will it get through to you that we are completely screwed, Alex? We don't know the first thing about parenting! Can you please stop pretending for ten solid minutes that we will be okay? Can you just stop?"

There's a silence that carries over us until we are inside the comfort of home. Alex slams the box of books down on the floor and throws his arms into the air. "I'm trying, Jamie! What else do you want? What more can I do for you?"

"Help me, Alex! God damn it! I'm so sick of not knowing where we are headed! For fuck's sake, there should be a room in this house ready for this kid already and we don't even have a fucking name picked out! As far as I know, you haven't even thought about a name!"

"Then I guess you don't know, do you?" He shakes his head and walks away from me, slamming the door to the bathroom and turning the shower on.

*********************************************************************************

I wake up the next morning and Alex's side of the bed is still neatly made, as if he had not slept in our bed last night. On his pillow is a list and a note beside it. I pick the note up first:

I started it on tour. I'm still not finished. And I'm still angry with your for what you said. I'm not apologizing this time, Jamie.

I bite my lip as a bubble forms in my throat and pick up the list:

Liam
Noah
Oliver
Caleb
Ian
Carson
Jamison
Dillon

I carry the list out to the kitchen where Alex is sitting at the table with a can of Red Bull. He has several highlighters out and is marking up the books Cassadee and Rian gave us.

"None of these go very well with 'Jack'." I manage to choke out.

Alex doesn't move. "I was thinking more along the lines of Jackson or Jake instead of Jack directly."

"Alex?" I wait for him to reply and when he doesn't I go on. "I'm sorry. I'm scared. I know that isn't an excuse, but please, I just want to know we'll be alright. That I'm doing the right thing by keeping the baby at all."

He turns around to address this. "Don't talk like that. Love isn't enough, and I know that, but it's a start. And you might be scared, but I'd never even held a baby before Delilah. I think you should know that we have our fair share of problems, but the second you start doubting my ability to be a father to this baby, a new page is turned, and it isn't a good one. You can't do that to me, Jamie."

I shake my head. "I won't. I'm sorry, Alex."

He sighs. "Come here."

I walk over to the open place in his arms. "Are we going to be okay?"

"We're trying." Alex whispers. "Second hand stores aren't all too terrible. We can do this. Believe in me."

I think back to what Cassadee said. "Alex, do you still love me?"

He half-laughs and squeezes my shoulders tighter. "Of course I still love you. Nothing will ever change that. Now come on, you're going to sit down and read these until your eyes hurt and your brain is filled with rubber ducks."