I Knew It From The First Time

"And you got the -"

"For the millionth time," Alex kisses my cheek, being careful to hold Liam in one arm, "Rian and Cass are lending us the bassinet until we get a chance to shop for a crib. The car seat is right here, courtesy of the gift shop. Yes, we will get a 'cuter' one once we're settled. Zack, thank God, ordered the clothes direct delivery and the remainder of the shipment, which now adds up to what - 4 boxes total, should be on the doorstop when we come home."

"And that -"

"Includes pacifiers, bottles, a mobile, and clothes. Zack said to remind you not to freak out that some of the clothes is a little big. He said his line isn't just newborn and the majority isn't going to fit Liam well yet." Alex coos the baby's face as Liam yawns. "And we still have things from the baby shower. Flyzik and Ri set them up."

"A changing table and a playpen right?" Liam yawning reminds me how tired I am. I think I could sleep for days.

"Those were the big ones. We got a lot of diapers, books, clothes, and blankets too." Alex gives me a small, worn smile. "Don't worry."

"Did you make a list? Of all the things you're supposed to shop for tomorrow? With Cass's help?" I remind him. I knew already that Cass had a backup list in mind, but all-in-all, it was Alex's responsibility and Cassadee was only going to make sure Alex didn't push his budget.

"Jamie," Alex half laughs, getting sick of my nagging, "yeah, I made a list. This hospital is driving you nuts. We need to get out of here."

I lay my head back on the pillow, observing Alex putting Liam into the car seat for the first time. The ugly, bright yellow car seat that the gift shop had on clearance for a mere $10. I was surprised at how well Alex had latched onto Liam, latched onto being a father. The bags are under his eyes from the past 3 nights he has stayed up, just peeking over the small carrier in the room where Liam slept, a small smile creeping across his face.

"Baby Liam!" Jack bursts into the room, parfait in hand, some type of food always in hand. "Going home already?"

"It's been four days. That's the standard. The doc says Jamie is in the okay." Alex glances at me then mumbles to Jack. "She's a bit crazy, but I guess that's normal."

I roll my eyes. "What are you doing here? A little late to help load the car, aren't you?"

Jack gives me a look and then places one of his fingers to Liam's palm. "I came to visit my favorite family on this planet Earth. Besides the Kardashians, of course. You know you're excited to see me Jamie, I am the -"

"Person my kid is named after. I know." I groan. "I really regret that decision right about now."

"I don't even bring it up often!" He argues.

"Once. Maybe twice. An hour." Alex sighs, walking toward the bed now to help me into my wheelchair. It takes more effort than I thought and I grimace as I feel my stitches rub into my skin. "Okay?"

"Fine." I say, eyes shut. "Tired."

"Finally admitting it. After nine months." Alex laughs and grabs Liam in his car seat, gesturing for Jack to follow. "You take a cab here?"

Jack shakes his head. "No, but I'll just follow you. Jamie will be asleep anyway, right? I can help with Liam."

A look of terror must strike my face because Alex places a hand on my shoulder firmly. "I can handle him, but you're more than welcome to introduce him to his first Home Alone."

Jack gives Alex a goofy smile and we look like a surrogate mother, a baby, and a gay couple walking out of the hospital together. One bad sitcom.

**********************************************************************

"And you're sure you can handle him if he wakes up and you need to walk around?" Alex gives me an unsure look. "Jamie, you weren't doing so hot yesterday."

I nod. "I feel better. Just go. Cass is in the car."

He runs his fingers through his hair and sighs, kissing my forehead. "Alright. Two hours, tops."

"Have fun!" I call out after him, knowing his time will be filled with Cassadee constantly in his ear about what's cuter, what's cheaper, what you need and what you don't need. The door slams and I lean over to lay on my side, facing Liam.

His little lips slightly parted and his hands curled around the sheets. His sleeping schedule was just as awful as Alex's on tour, awake all night, asleep all day. I didn't expect him to cry in the time Alex was gone unless he was hungry or needed a change, both of which i could handle. I stroke his nose gently and he breathes a little louder.

"Oh little Liam." I smile. "We're so very, very lucky."

And I shut my eyes, keeping my hand on his back and drift into a much needed sleep.

**********************************************************************

The phone is ringing loudly next to my bed. My thought jump around to the baby beside me.

"Alex," I groan, "hurry and get the phone. Liam is going to wake up. Alex -"

It takes me a moment before I realize Alex isn't home. I glance at the clock before answering, careful not to shake the bad and wake Liam. It's been four hours.

"Hello?" I say groggily.

"Jamie." It's Cassadee.

"Yeah?"

"We've had a bit of a problem. Actually. A lot of a problem."

I look at Liam and stand, walking slowly to the bathroom so I can talk louder. "Where's Alex?"

"Trying to figure out what the hell is going on with the finances." Cass sounds nervous.

"Put him on the phone. I don't care about what's happening. Just put Alex on the phone."

She does as she's told and within seconds, Alex's shaky voice is on the other end. "We can't afford anything."

"What? Why?"

"We didn't think about hospital bills, Jamie. And we sure as hell didn't think about surgical bills." I'm quiet until he goes on. "I'm trying my best here."

"What can you get?"

"At this point, a crib and a bouncer." There's a long moment of silence between us before I speak again. I know what has to happen. A part of me dies as it comes down to it.

"Give me ten minutes, then try again." I don't wait for questions. I hang up the phone and dial a new number, so familiar to me, yet I am second guessing every single button pushed. I think of Liam and of what's about to happen and I tell myself that maybe it'll turn out okay. But with each ring my body feels heavier.

"Hello?" I haven't head that voice in over two years. Yet, it surrounded me sweetly. It wasn't him who i was afraid of. Just him who I was angry at, for taking her side. "Hello?"

"Hi." I stammer. "Hi. Dad?"

He doesn't say anything for a minute. "Is this a prank call?"

I laugh, even though tears are streaming down my face now. "No. It's me. It's Jamie."

Quiet. "Where've you been? It's been a while."

I gulp. "A couple years, yeah."

"Are you alright?"

I try to say yes. I try to say 'Of course, but I need a favor.' But instead my words fall out.

"No, no, I'm not."

**********************************************************************

"You did... you did what?" Alex drops the crib box onto his foot. "Damn it!"

"I called my dad. I told him things happened. That I was in trouble. That I needed money. And I needed a lot of it." My eyes are pressed into my fists.

"And he said?"

"He asked me why." When I look up, the room is a blaring white. "I told him I couldn't tell him. And he asked me if it was drugs and I told him no. Then he told me that if I didn't answer him, I wouldn't be getting money."

"So. What did you say?" Alex has walked over to me, bending down to look into my eyes. " 'Oh yeah, it's been nearly three years now. I had a baby. I can't afford the baby because it was unplanned. And did I mention that Alex, you remember the one you and mom hate, is the father and that we live together and we're in love? Oh happy day. ' "

I glare at him. "I said I would tell him, but I just needed it now and I would go see him and mom soon. I didn't tell him I would have a baby. Or you. I left that part out too."

Alex goes back to putting the crib together. "Think they've changed their minds?"

I shake my head. "I don't know."

"They were never thrilled with me and then when you left... I think they thought I encouraged it. And I suppose they'd be right."

I bite my lip and stand, looping my arms around Alex's neck as he concentrates a little too hard on screwing a couple beams together. I know he's thinking exactly what I was. He thought we had run away from it, that it was over and done with, and now we had gotten ourselves thrown back into a much larger tornado.

"They just thought that I was stupid and young and mad about a boy who would never care about me as much as I did for him. They were trying to prevent me from some heart break, I guess."

"By trying their best to keep us apart? And then locking you away. And getting angry and yelling when you would sneak off to be with me and the guys, which was the only way i ever got to see you. It was bull shit Jamie. And the fact that when you left she said -"

"Not to come back if I was with you." I finish for him. "Yeah, I was there."

"So was I." He whispers. "And I thought about giving you up right there. To be completely honest. I thought for the first time 'What if this band doesn't work out? What if we do end up with nothing? What if I did just ruin her dreams?' "

"And you obviously came to the conclusion that it was better to have me around."

Alex smiles. "I figured that you were a luck charm. But she still said not to come back. I think she might have even added not to bother contacting 'her family' until I was 'gone'."

I kiss the top of Alex's head. "Good job on the crib."

"I've only put two pieces together. And I'm almost positive they're incorrect." He says, picking up the diagram.

"Try not to stay up all night." I remind him.

"Right. Tomorrow we go to hell. I mean your parents' house." He gives me a cocky smile and kisses me goodnight.

Before leaving him to his work, I glance back. Everyone has their own hell. And I knew this was Alex's. Because as much as my mom hated me for leaving and for as much as she was about to hate me, she was always going to trace it back to Alex, always going to hate him more. And we were about to create a hell for Liam too. I wish all of a sudden that I hadn't dialed that number.