I Knew It From The First Time

"I've never felt more like vomiting in my entire life." Alex grips the steering wheel hard, straining his knuckles white, although the car has been shut off for a good five minutes, parked in my parents' driveway. "Except for when I actually do vomit."

I glance toward the backseat at Liam soundly sleeping in his car seat, then steal a kiss from Alex. "The day isn't getting any younger."

"Yeah, well, how are we supposed to get out of this one?" Alex stares straight ahead, as if talking to himself, forming a game plan. "This isn't like all those times we were cut sneaking back into the house. No, I always brought you home safe and sober and... and... without a baby."

I sigh, gripping his hand so that perhaps he will loosen his hold on the steering wheel. "We just have to remind them it's been years. Years, since they have even heard my voice. And not once did they bother to pick the phone up and check on me."

"They can hate me all they want for 'corrupting their precious little gem'," Alex smirks, "because I think it's one hell of a beautiful disaster, this whole thing."

I laugh weakly and let my hand slide to his cheek, stroking the scruff on his neck that was always present and with a deep breath, pulling open the passenger side door. "Do you have Liam?"

"He's the only thing keeping my hands from shaking." Alex replies, carefully lugging out the car seat so as not to wake the baby. "Good God, how do we even begin to explain this one?"

I count my steps as I walk up the cobblestone path that is still in place. The flowers surrounding them are new, but just as I recall, there are exactly six round bricks to the door. The fourth is chipped from weather damage. The second still has my name carved into it, in sloppy ten year old handwriting. The doorbell is still there, placed a little too high. I reach up, bite my lip, press it in, holding. My father answers the door.

"Jamie." He grins and I can tell that he hasn't slept much since my phone call. He was always the one to worry, not because it might damage our family reputation or because he thought I was a bad kid, but because he genuinely cared for me. I take a step forward and let myself fall into his arms, breathing in that old familiar smell of tobacco and pine needles. "How are you?"

"I'm... I'm good." I stutter, realizing he has yet to see Liam. He's too entranced in looking me over, the bags in my eyes, the cellulite gathered on my bones, the pale complexion. It wasn't helping Alex' case.

"And you," he starts, searching Alex's face, "been taking care of her?"

Alex nods. "Yes sir. Best I can."

"Good." That's all my father says. He has nothing else to express to Alex. Not yet at least. That would be saved, and we all three knew it, for my mother. I see my father's eyes drift toward the car seat, the hood pulled so low that only Liam's tiny blue socks stick out. "What is that?"

My breath is caught in my throat and Alex and I exchange a look. Alex's mouth has fallen open and a noise comes out, a sort of word forming, but he can't manage. I push my way inside.

"I asked a question." My dad keeps going. "What is this?"

"You might... You might want to sit down." I say quietly. My dad looks at me, then at Alex. Surely h knew what was coming. He couldn't be so dumb as to not know. He takes a seat in his a new recliner, a leather one which I had no recollection of. He glares directly across from him at Alex who tries his best not to stare back, and as if on cue, my mother strides into the room.

"Hi mom." I murmur.

"Hi Mrs. Lane." Alex adds nervously.

Her eyes catch on the car seat still in Alex's hand, though he is shaking now. I grab onto his hand, trying to steady him. Light perspiration sprinkles his forehead.

"What's that?" That's the first thing she says. After years of not speaking, she asks me what that is. There is no 'hello', no 'how are you' or 'are you okay'. Just right to the point and abrupt, wanting us gone sooner than later.

"Take a seat." I exhale, readying myself, wishing Alex would just stop quivering, would say something. She plops herself down on a loveseat, one that matches the dark leather of my father's new recliner. I pull the hood of the car seat up so that Liam, still dozing inside, is fully visible. I look at my father when I say it. "This is Liam, your grandson."

There's a long period of silence and now Alex is shaking so hard that I think he might actually drop Liam. I take the seat from his hand. The baby exhales through small pink lips. His head of light brown hair is already naturally swept to the same side as Alex's, as if he too is destined to be a rebel of the kindest and most innocent sorts. He scrunches his face and you can just see his dimples, the way he looks like his father. I wish he'd open his eyes so that my parents could at least see that part of me in him, maybe love him just slightly, because God knows he deserved it.

"Excuse me. But my what?" My mom looks at Alex for an answer.

"Your grandson." He manages to choke out. "We had a baby, Jamie and I."

"I know who had a baby!" My mother yells, then to me. "When did this happen?! You just ran off with a complete ass who is so ignorant to the real world that he never even pursued a college career and then you finally decide to show your face in this house again, and you show up, not only with that asshole, but with this too?!"

I can feel my blood boiling, my face getting hot. "This is Liam. And this," I point to Alex, "is Alex. He's been good to us, no, better than good. He's been amazing. You forgot to mention the fact that you didn't care where I was or what I did so long as I hung out with a group of 'assholes' who 'never cared about me'. Coming from someone who hasn't even bothered speaking to me in the past two years is, oh well that's irony if I ever heard of it."

She shuts up for a second, letting that sink in. "You called us for money. Not because you needed us. Because you needed money. Why? Because he -"

"Gave everything he could." I gulp down hot tears of anger, not today. "And I would have called because I needed you. Do you know how many nights I stayed up, wishing that I had a mother I could call? I was terrified. So scared, and I still am. But you were never there for me. You were never an option! And it wasn't Alex's fault! It was yours! You pushed me out and made me never want to come back, so congratulations, parenting award of the year!"

"At least I could afford to finance my own child -"

"Yeah, that definitely kept me around, right?" She stares at the carpet now. "Right, you gave me everything I ever asked for. Except for yourself. Which is what I got from Alex - love and care and attention and someone who gives a damn! You could learn a thing or two."

Silence again until my ears ring. Alex is so pale and sick looking that I feel bad. I grasp his hand again, feeling the sweat drenching his body, but all the same, not letting go. My dad is still intent on staring at Liam.

"He looks just like you." My father whispers, looking into Alex's face. "Can I hold him?"

My mom snaps her neck to look at my dad. "What?"

"Of... of course." Alex stammers, leaning down and unbuckling Liam from the car seat, gently, so gently, lifting him and looking into his little face, as if to apologize. He hands him to my dad who ignores the scowls from my mother, leaning back into the arm chair an getting a good look at the baby.

"My God, he's something." My dad shakes his head. "Liam what? What's his middle name?"

"Liam Jackson Gaskarth." My tone is still stern and I cough, hoping to clear out the stiffness in my voice for my dad.

"Well welcome, Liam Jackson. Welcome." Liam begins to cry and my dad looks startled, cooing him suddenly and swaying his arms. "There, there."

"You're okay with this? You're just going to sit there and be okay with this?" My mother looks disapprovingly at Liam, as if it his fault that he was conceived, that I ran away, that she was a horrible excuse for a parent.

"No." My dad utters. "But things could be worse."

"How?!"

"Today so far, I've gotten my daughter back in my arms. I've got to have the comfort of knowing she's being loved and well taken care of by someone who I trust. I've got to hold my grandson and look into his face and know there's beautiful things out there. And I've cooked my own breakfast without burning our house to smithereens. All before 1 PM." My dad smiles at my mother, who storms off in anger. He continues to sit in the recliner and stare back at Liam who is looking up at him curiously. He smiles at Alex then says, "How rude of me. Would you like something to drink?"

**********************************************************************

"At least your dad doesn't hate me. I still feel sick to my stomach thinking about your mom though. Did you hear them? When we were leaving?" Alex says later that night from the bathroom as I lie in bed.

"Yeah, I heard them." I shut my eyes until flecks of light appear behind them. "Arguing about why my dad is associating with us. She can get over it. If my dad wants to see Liam, I'll make secret meetings or something."

"I just -" Alex pauses, "I wish she loved him. And you. She doesn't have to like me in any matter. Let her waste her time loathing me. But Liam and you deserve to be loved, every little piece of you."

Alex climbs into bed and kisses my neck several times. I curse the 'wait six weeks rule' after having a baby. "Alex?"

"Hmm?" He mumbles, still kissing me.

"How much do you love us?"

Alex lets out a small laugh. "What do you think?"

"Just answer."

"I would choose you and Liam over everything and everyone. There's nothing I wouldn't do for the both of you. I think about us all the time. The future scares me, but then I remind myself that you might actually stick around, might actually love me back half as much, and nothing seems that terrifying anymore. It's like... the world wouldn't spin right if you weren't here."

"And that's what we deserve." I whisper.

"Jamie?"

"Hmm?"

"I love you. So very much."

I roll over to lay on top of Alex and grasp his hair, kissing long and hard, until we are out of breath. "I love you too. So very, very much."

"What do you think is going to happen... with your mom?" He asks, just as I am falling asleep, wrapped in his warmth.

"Things will return to normal. The normal it has been for the last two years. Something about that doesn't really bother me, though. I have my dad back. At least a piece of him. And I've got you and Liam, Cass, Rian, Zack, Matt. I have a lot of people. I'm lucky." I smile to myself.

Alex kisses the top of my head. "I knew it from the first time."

"What?" I mumble, losing the battle to sleep now.

"I knew I was lucky. I knew it from the first time I met the guys. I knew it from the first time I saw you. I knew it from the first time I played for an audience. I knew it from the first time you told me that you loved me. I knew it from the first time that I held Liam in my arms. And then in moments like these and moments when we want to kill each other and every moment in between, I know it. I've known all along. We're the lucky ones, baby. We're the lucky ones."

The baby monitor rings with the sound of Liam's crying, breaking my look into Alex's eyes. I sigh. "Oh, Liam."

"We're lucky." Alex laughs and I love the way his chest moves beneath me. He stands slowly. "Don't go anywhere."

I giggle. "Wouldn't dream of it."

Alex winks, kissing me once more, before he goes to attend to Liam. I listen to him on the baby monitor. He must have forgotten it was there. He sings to Liam, a song I've never heard. Something he must have written. I smile to myself as his voice carries, tired, over the monitor and Liam's crying slows to a stop.

"Where were we?" Alex asks, climbing back into bed and propping himself so he is lying over me.

"You knew it from the first time." I remind him.

"Oh right." He grins weakly, kissing me. "Refresh my memory?"

We smile at each other and I pull him closer to whisper in his ear. "Can we break one more rule?"

"Which one?" He laughs.

"The six week rule." I groan.

We lie there laughing for a minute quietly, afraid to wake Liam. Alex strokes my cheek and leans back in to whisper, his breath warm on my neck. "On one condition: Kiss me again."

"Deal." I agree, as we shut our eyes, awaiting another moment, another kiss, another reminder that we will never let go. We are the lucky ones.