I Knew It From The First Time

I paced nervously back and forth in the kitchen, glancing out the window toward the studio every thirty seconds. The lights were on and there was no sign yet of the boys finishing up. I bite down on my lip. The clock on the wall read 8:17.

"Come on Matt. Just let them go." I impatiently take out pasta noodles and sauce from one of the cabinets. At this rate, if Alex cooked dinner when he got home, getting rid of Jack would be useless.

I'm adding the final spices to the sauce when I finally see Rian stalking across the lawn. He looks upset, with Zack following just behind him, hands jammed into his pockets. Alex emerges, rubbing his face with his hands and throwing them down at his sides. Matt and Jack are no where to be found.

"How was it?" I ask as Alex pushes his way inside quickly, as if he cannot escape Matt fast enough.

Alex looks at the spoon in my hand. "I was going to do that."

I shrug. "I knew you would be tired, and it's late. I figured this would save some time."

Alex takes the spoon out of my hand and places it on the counter. "I'm not hungry."

I look to the stove, the spaghetti I have just finished making for him, for our 'nice dinner'. What a waste. "Did Matt really upset you that much?"

Alex shakes his head. "Typical first day. We sat there for forty-five minutes, trying to come up with anything good, which is hard considering I prefer to be alone when I write. We got three songs down. I'm throwing out two of them because they're shit and I can do better."

"Oh Alex -" He kisses me, interrupting my thoughts.

"Jack is gone." He smiles.

"How? Where?"

"Don't worry about it." Alex laughs. I have a feeling he probably told Jack what was going to happen, what he had planned. Surprisingly enough, I couldn't care less.

"Can we at least -?"

"My bed or yours?" Alex nibbles at my ear and I let out a giggle, looping my arms around him and allowing myself to be pulled in even closer.

"Yours." I manage to say in a breath.

I wrap my legs around Alex's waist as he picks me up and carries us to his bedroom, clunking against the walls and laughing as he stumbles around. He lets me down in the threshold as he shuts the door with his foot, not even bothering to turn the light on. He pushes me backward toward the bed and I let myself fall under him.

I bite gently at Alex's neck as he pulls his shirt off. He hurriedly tugs at my clothes and I let him toss them carelessly to the floor. I reach for the zipper on his jeans, tossing them next to mine when he finally manages to wiggle out of them. We laugh at the struggle it causes him.

In a matter of minutes, the room becomes filled with the sound of Alex and I. The heavy breathing, the subtle noises, all of it mixing together. The electric charge that had jolted me when our lips first met courses through me now stronger than ever. It is every good moment I have ever had in my life all in one place. When he is finished, Alex kisses my forehead gently and rolls off of me to the side.

We don't talk for the longest time. We lay there beneath the white sheets, staring at each other, smiling. Neither of us wanted to ruin the perfection of the night with sound. We just lay there with the stars beaming in at us from the window and the creaking of the house ringing in our ears.

It's Alex who breaks the silence, but not the perfection. "I love you Jamie."

"I love you too." I curl in closer to him. "Don't let this change us, promise me."

He wraps his arms around me. "I promise not to let this change us. I promise that you're still my best friend. I promise that the fact that I love you with everything inside me will not change what we have."

"I promise." I whisper back.

"You have no idea how long I've wanted this." He sighs in gratitude.

"I knew it from the first time." I start, unaware that I'm even speaking my thoughts out loud. "I knew I loved you from the very first time I laid eyes on you."

"Fifth grade." Alex recollects. "We were just awkward kids, getting to the stage where everything in life reveals itself. My mom still cut my hair."

"It was much shorter." I smile. "And you were much skinnier, hard to believe."

"Well you had on a horrible orange dress and a missing front tooth. Thank you very much." He smiles at me. "But I guess you were cute none the less."

"If you recall, you were the one who approached me." I remind him.

Alex laughs and I can feel his lungs expanding below his chest. "I helped you dribble a basketball."

I let my hands lay flat on his chest. "Not very well, but yes, you tried."

Alex kisses the top of my head. "Now if it had been a guitar in your hands, maybe I could have been of better use. But hey, a guy has to work with what he's got."

"When did you know?" I ask him next, awaiting an answer that might fall somewhere in the middle of high school.

"I think I knew on that first day, when the last bell rang. It was the first time I actually wanted to stay in school, simply to see you. I wanted to teach you how to shoot hoops or how to sneak things into your desk from art class or who mattered and who didn't and where I stood in the lunch line. I wanted you to know everything." He sounds amazed at himself as if he is just now coming to terms with these thoughts. "I knew it from the first time, Jamie."

........................................................................................................................................................

"Jamie." Alex whispers, then louder when I don't wake up the first time. "Jamie."

"Hmm?" I mumble, rolling over.

"Matt is going to kill me." I feel Alex slide out from beneath me and hurriedly search for his clothes. "I was supposed to be in the studio an hour ago."

"Good luck." I yawn, refusing to move.

I hear the door open. "I already have a song in my head. Sleep tight bed bug."

For a moment, I hear Jack in the hall. "What happened?! Scratch that! I know what happened! By the way, I ate all that spaghetti, hope you weren't planning on using it for a special occasion -"

The door clicks shut. There was a smile in his voice when he said it. When he said all of it. I hold onto that. And I didn't know then, but I would need it more than ever in just a couple more months.