I Knew It From The First Time

*Three Weeks Later*

I wake restlessly from a nightmare I can hardly remember. Outlines of the dream are shaded in my head. I was there, but I wasn't myself. We were in a hospital room, and I wasn't sure exactly who 'we' was. For a blurred moment I thought I had seen Cassadee there, but that was strange.

In my cold sweat, I reach over to the place where Alex sleeps, looking for his warmth and comfort. I find the bed sheets and a pillow without a body. Reaching for his phone on the bedside table, it reads nearly three in the morning. I shakily get up out of the bed and search for him.

I press my ear against Jack's door first. Sound asleep. I creep into my own bedroom, or what was my bedroom originally, but it's just as blank as it has been since I started sleeping in Alex's room. I check everywhere. A confused thought strikes me as I go to look for the car and find it exactly as Matt had left it this afternoon when he came back from a meeting. Alex is gone.

My heart is just picking up and I think I'm going to be sick when his voice rings out from above me. "Jamie, why are you out of bed?"

I look around confused. "Where are you?"

"Up." Alex commands. He is leaning over the edge of the roof, peering down at me. "What are you doing?"

"I had a nightmare. I couldn't sleep." I point back at him. "What are YOU doing?"

Alex laughs. "The LA insomnia has set in. I wanted to write. I do best up here."

I search around me for a way that he has managed to climb up and finally find what I am looking for, a medal ladder propped not too far from where he is looking over at me. "Can I come up?"

"Of course!" He replies, walking over to hold the ladder steady for me as I climb it.

"Alex, we have less than two weeks here. You're still writing?"

Alex gathers up his papers and sticks them beneath his guitar. "Kind of. I mean, it's just jumble. It's not even really songs. More like... thoughts. Ideas."

"What do you do with them?" The stars here are different from the East Coast. They shine less bright, covered by the city lights and smog. My heart sinks slightly.

"Keep them to myself." For a few short second he is silent, a transition to his next subject. "I come out here a lot. You've just never noticed."

"How often is 'a lot' would you say?" I watch him watching the sky, a much better view than the stars that are covered in the city's blanket.

"Every night." He smiles. "Every single night."

I yawn, leaning my head into his shoulder. I understood well enough that this moment was his. I stayed quiet. I was not going to take that away from him.

........................................................................................................................................................

Bags have formed beneath my eyes. Sleep has been killer to find. The nightmares always shake me awake, and more often than not, Alex has disappeared to the rooftop. I pack our bags, trying hard to keep my eyelids open. Today was the last day. Tomorrow morning I would be happily asleep in my bed in Maryland.

I reach far into the back of the bathroom cabinet, rummaging around for any last items I may have forgotten. My fingers graze against a cardboard box, but I can't manage to reach far enough to gather it up in my hands.

"Jack!" I call. "Jackkk!"

"If it's a spider, Jamie, I'm going back to my intense game of Wii Tennis with Rian. You're not girl enough for that."

"I can't reach this box."

Jack rolls his eyes and gently scoots past me. With ease he pulls the box out from the cabinet, setting it on the sink. His eyes sink into the words on the box and he flails back, as if he really has just touched a spider.

"I can't deal with this girl stuff!" He shakes his head. "I should've made Rian do it!"

My breath is momentarily caught in my throat as I see what he does. What was today?

Jack keeps going. "Jamie, I may never get over this type of cruelty. I wasn't ready. I just touched... I touched... feminine products! I need sterilization! I need -"

"We've been here a month. We've been here a month, right Jack?" I say it hurriedly. The words can't come out fast enough.

He gives me a look of confusion. "A little over... Are you okay? Jamie, I was just joking. I don't care that I touched your, uh, lady products. No need to get so frazzled."

I stare hard at him. I was serious. "Jack, exactly how many days have we been here?"

He takes a moment to count the weeks up inside his head. "Thirty-six."

My heart falls into my gut like a free-fall ride at the carnival. I stare blankly at the completely full box of tampons resting on the sink. This couldn't happen to me. Could it?

........................................................................................................................................................

I didn't speak to anyone on the way home, which was easily done since we had a late flight and everyone was asleep for the ten hour plane ride. Jack was concerned. I knew it. He kept giving me this look, trying to get me to talk. But if I did, words would fall out. Words that I needed confirmation to before I ruined Alex's life.

Alex and Jack soon gave up on trying to get me involved. They were themselves soon enough. By the end of the trip, Jack had managed to get in trouble with security at both airports, while Alex had managed to lock himself inside the airplane bathroom, hollering about snakes on the plane. Normally, I would laugh. But tonight, tonight, things were not so fun.

"You feeling alright?" Alex asks, setting the back of his hand on my forehead when we say goodbyes, climbing into a separate cab from everyone. "You've been uncommonly quiet today, Jamie."

I nod, trying my best to pass it off as exhaustion. "I haven't slept well away from home. That's all."

Alex doesn't press the subject further, just gives directions to the taxi driver back to his house. He puts his hand on top of mine, but I don't care to intertwine our fingers. Every time I looked at him, the only thoughts racing through me was the probability that he would leave if... if this was really happening. The odds were in his favor. After all, it was a daydream to think he would stick around what with his career.

We unload our bags and Alex helps me carrying mine inside. My arms feel weak and my legs feel heavy. It felt surreal, coming home with Alex, my best friend, finally knowing that we felt the same way, that we loved each other, and then not being completely overflowing with happiness.

"Baby, are you sure you're alright?" He asks again, shutting the light in his bedroom off.

I swallow the lump in my throat. "I love you, Alex."

His arms loop around me. "I love you too, Jamie. Sweet dreams, okay?"

I nod in reply. Sweet dreams. If I even got that far tonight.