I Knew It From The First Time

I sit on our bed, dazing into space as Alex throws my things from cardboard boxes to dresser drawers. The apartment that I had comfortably lived in since I was nineteen was now a thing of the past. I was okay with that. The thing that was bothering me was the fact that the next time I unpacked a box, a crib could be inside.

"A little help would be nice." Alex says bitterly.

"Sorry." I mumble, rolling out from my position on the unfolded sheets and searching into a box of picture frames. I hand them to Alex. "I've been out of it today."

"I noticed." He goes to the living room with my frames to find a place for them above the fireplace. "I heard you last night."

I play dumb. "Heard me what? You must have been dreaming. I was out like a light. I didn't wake up once."

He waltzes back into the room, raising one eyebrow and giving me a skeptical look. "Oh, so I have a ghost living here all of a sudden who chooses to throw up in my bathroom at 2 AM?"

"Oh. That." Blood rushes to my head.

"Yeah, 'oh that'." Alex throws some of my shoes onto a shelf in his closet. "I think you have the stomach flu or something Jamie."

"No, no." I say hurriedly. "I guess dinner didn't agree with me. That's all."

Alex stops what he's doing to look at me. "Soup? We had soup. Noodles and broth didn't agree with you?"

I shrug. "I don't know Alex."

"Jamie, soup agrees even with people who are sick."

I become frustrated, throwing down the pile of jeans in my hand. I had been trying so hard not to let things slip. For the past week and a half I had been mustering up courage to go see a doctor or buy a test, anything. I wasn't going to scare Alex and tell him something that might not even be real. There was no sense in that.

"It didn't agree with me, okay?!"

Alex holds his hands up in surrender. "My apologies."

I let myself fall back into the bed. Alex glares at my lack of effort every time he walks past, making a point of it, but never urging me to help him. I carefully run through numbers and people in my head.

The boys were out. The boys' families were out too. Any of hope of distant friends who were girls was diminished quickly. I had never had many of those. My mom was even in the pile of exclusion. I swallow the lump in my throat. There was just one person left, one single little sliver of hope, one awkward conversation away.

"Alex, do you have Cassadee's number?"

.......................................................................................................................................................

"Why did you want to meet here?" Cassadee runs her hands through her freshly cut hair. I wish I could pull off half the things she did. "Not that I have a problem with this. It's just... well... it's strange Jamie."

I pull my sunglasses securely onto my face. "You'll see."

"Usually when people invite me to lunch, we go to a restaurant."

"We aren't going to lunch. Change of plans." I add.

She gives me a confused look. "Well what then?"

"Just keep quiet. I don't want anyone to know who we are. It's bad enough they might recognize the back of our heads." I hiss.

Despite my orders, Cassadee throws her head back in laughter. "Jamie, we're not robbing the store are we? Being caught inside a cheap convenience store is the least of our worries."

I stumble on this. "Trust me, I know."

I lead her inside the convenience store, back to the family planning and hygiene section. It was weird, I'll be the first to admit. I had asked Cassadee to get rid of Rian for the afternoon. She asked why, but sent him anyway to do errands.

I stop in front of a section filled with different condoms. The top shelf contains what I was looking for. Pregnancy tests.

Cassadee awkwardly shifts around. "Jamie, if you're asking me for a recommendation on contraception, Rian and I -"

I stop that thought before it hits full on. "That's not what I need."

She pulls her glasses off and I wish she would just leave them on and not talk until we were safe in her house. "Rian and I don't really know much about anything like -"

"Nothing along those lines, Cassadee." I whisper in frustration. "Just be quiet, okay?"

I pull three tests from the top shelf. Name brand, generic, and the kind that is supposed to be able to tell you after two weeks. Cassadee looks like a deer in headlights.

"Jamie, if this is some sort of joke -"

"It's not a joke, Cassadee!" I try hiding the tests in my arm. "Do you think I would joke about this?"

She doesn't answer. She grabs a test out of my hand, looking between me and the slender pink box. "Does Alex -"

"No, he doesn't know. We're not telling him either." I spit back, practically running to the checkout counter where the woman gives me a disapproving look.

"I'm going to be sick." Cassadee finally says when we pull into her driveway.

I clutch my stomach. "You're telling me."

........................................................................................................................................................

The tests sit dangling over the sink. My timer on my phone is set for three minutes. I look around the bathroom. Just as I assumed, the second I was finished with the tests, my stomach found what little I had to eat that morning.

"Why me?" Cassadee asks, probably to break the silence ringing in our ears. "I mean, you could have called anyone to help you, but why me?"

I shrug. "You were really the only option I had."

Cassadee lays her hand gently on my shoulder. "I'm sure it's just a scare."

I give her an incredulous look. "Cassadee, I've never missed a period in my life. Never had stomach problems. Never been this emotional."

"It's coincidence." She argues back. "Scares happen all the time, Jamie. I'm sure it's nothing. In a minute we'll laugh about this."

"Just stop." My lip trembles. "This doesn't happen all the time. It hasn't happened to you, has it?! In fact, I don't think I know a single girl now who's had a pregnancy scare. It is not common. Don't feed me that."

Cassadee doesn't have time to reply. The timer on my phone rings and I scoop up the tests from the counter. I read them one by one, checking them with the directions on the box to be sure of the results:

+

Pregnant.

II

In a matter of seconds, I found whatever was inside me that my stomach missed the first time around.

........................................................................................................................................................

"Jamie," Alex clutches my face, "what's wrong?"

He stares into my puffy eyes and bright red cheeks. "Nothing. Allergies."

Alex gives a concerned look to Cassadee before giving up on her. "Thanks for walking her up, Cass."

"Anytime." She smiles, the turns to me. "I hope you feel better Jamie. Summer can be killer on the pollen."

In that second, I thank God that I told Cassadee and not someone else. Anyone other than her would have the whole town in the know by now. But Cassadee would keep my secret. She had even gone so far as to toss the pregnancy tests into the neighbor's trash so Rian wouldn't find them.

I nod. "Yeah, thanks Cass."

Alex waits for her to pull out of our driveway before turning back to me, holding my face gently. "What happened, Jamie? Tell me right now. Are you okay? Are you hurt? Who did this? Are you okay?"

I roll my eyes, trying my best to swallow down tears. "Nothing happened. I'm fine. No, I'm not hurt, and no one has laid a finger on me."

Alex stares into my eyes. "Why are you crying then?"

I take in a deep breath. "It's been rough getting back to East Coast times. The sleep deprivation makes me way more emotional than I usually am. Don't worry about it."

He gives me another look, trying to wane an answer out of me. Understanding that he's not about to get one, he changes the subject, kissing me. "I haven't seen you all day."

I smile. "You saw me this morning."

Alex rethinks that. "In that case, I haven't seen you in four hours and twenty minutes. Much too long."

I tug at the hair curling behind his neck. "We can make up for it now."

Alex's breath sends chills down my neck, making me forget momentarily the predicament I have just found myself caught in. His hands reach down, slowly unzipping my shorts and sliding them off. "I was hoping you'd say that."