I Knew It From The First Time

I push my ear hard against the door while I wait for Alex to emerge from the bathroom where he's busy hyperventilating. If I strain hard enough I can just make out the conversation behind the walls. Rian is talking.

"Cass, just tell us. I know you know what this is about."

"Ri, please." Cassadee objects. "I know as much as anyone else in this room about why Alex and Jamie called us here."

"Well I wish we could get on with it and eat. I'm starving." Zack sighs.

After a brief moment of quiet, Jack steps in. "I think I know what this is about guys."

"SPIT IT OUT!" Several voices at once merge, Rian, Zack, and Flyzik.

Jack hesitates and then continues. "I don't know, this is far off, but when we were leaving LA... Jamie was... I mean it's none of my business, really, but Jamie.... She was...."

"Out with it, Barakat!" Flyzik.

"She was acting really weird." He says. "We were in the bathroom and -"

I quickly turn the door handle and stagger into the room. Everyone sits straighter, like children caught in the act of doing something wrong. Jack nearly spills his water.

"Hey Jamie!" Cassadee chimes in, not even a bit phased.

"I didn't mean to surprise everyone." I lie.

"Oh no, not a surprise." Flyzik shakes his head and looks to the others for help. "No surprise here."

"Right." Zack nods. "Why would we surprised? You're the one hosting this. We expected you."

Rian breaks the awkward conversation with a serious tone of voice. "Where is Alex, Jamie?"

As if he heard his cue, Alex enters the room. His face is pink and sweat beads hang onto his brow. Jack's face lights up.

"Hey bro!" He grins.

Alex gives back a slight smile. He kisses my head and I can feel his hand shaking on the small of my back. "Anyone ordered yet?"

"Cut the bullshit Alex." Rian says. "We've been here ten minutes waiting for you, and you look like you just got finished running a marathon or something. What's the problem?"

Alex grabs my hand, his still shaking beneath the table. He looks around, starting at Zack and ending at me, then beneath the table. He picks up a menu. "Let's eat first."

In a matter of minutes, Zack has snatched the menu from Alex's hands. "Spill Alex."

I can feel my throat getting dry as Alex sips at his water, then looks directly at Jack when he says it, his comfort blanket. "Well... We're um... Well not 'we'.... Jamie is.... But I'm.... You see.... We're having a... What-"

"We're having a baby." I spit. Flyzik knocks his water over the table and Alex coughs so hard I think he's going to be sick.

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"What the hell is wrong with you?!" Flyzik yells, as if I can't hear him in the next room.

"Oh yeah Flyzik, because I planned for this!" Alex yells back in a sarcastic tone. "Like I said 'Oh Jamie, let's have a baby!It'll be all happy and fuzzy and everyone will love it!'"

"You might as well have!" Flyzik comes back louder. "You sure as hell didn't do anything to prevent it!"

The restaurant was different. I had expected this, but Flyzik had held it in long enough that I nearly dismissed it. In fact, Cassadee had kicked Rian under the table and he had mustered up a congratulations and a hug. Jack had spoken proudly about being an uncle and Zack seemed only to care about baby clothes being added onto his line. Flyzik hadn't said a word, but as soon as the door closed on their band meeting, he had exploded.

"Shit happens." Rian mumbles.

"Shit happens, yeah!" Flyzik adds back. "Babies, babies! Do not happen! Not to people who have careers! Not to us!"

"We can figure it out, okay?!" Jack interludes.

"Yeah, okay, let's just bring a baby on tour with us! That's sane!" No one says anything. "Oh no, no, no, no. Alex, you were not considering -"

"And what if I was?" Alex continues. "I love Jamie and in turn, I love that little monster fetus inside of her. It didn't ruin anything okay? It was my fault."

"Damn straight!" Flyzik laughs. "We can't bring a baby on tour!"

"Why not?" Zack asks. "Kellin Quinn just had a kid and he's-"

"Taking a year off." Flyzik concludes. "Kellin is taking a year off. And you know what happens then? One year becomes five then there's no more band and there's no more us."

Everyone becomes silent.

"I was hoping you would understand. That you would try and help me out here, Matt." Alex adds quietly. "You're my best friends. Can't you at least try?"

Matt exhales hard. "Alex, bringing a baby on tour isn't fun and it isn't professional by any means and it's just going to create friction, especially between you and Jamie."

"Don't you think I know that? I know it's going to be hard. If I have to, if you're all against it, I will sleep on a different bus with the baby! I know things aren't going to be handed to me, okay?! I fall asleep thinking about it every night! About how I might lose her."

My stomach falls and my throat makes a small noise despite my effort to choke back sobs. Jack goes next.

"Besides Matt, when has this band ever been professional? Hasn't it always been a group of best friends living off sheer luck?"

Matt sighs. "Okay, alright. Bring the baby with us then. Find out for yourself, Alex. But are you forgetting that we have a tour in no less than a month and two weeks time? Worldwide, on top of it all. Then Jamie will be what?"

"Very pregnant." Rian mumbles.

"Exactly." No one speaks again, trying to figure out what to do with me. "Is she coming with us?"

Alex lets out a sound like he can't find air. "Thank you."

There's a moment of brief silence until Matt laughs. "Okay, okay, get off of me you oversensitive jerks."

"On a more serious subject, Alex, how are you paying for this?" Rian asks.

There's a silence again, a strict tension.

"I'm not sure."

"Are you going to need help?" Jack asks.

Alex avoids the question. "Jamie doesn't realize that we're hanging on by a twig right now. That all the luxury stuff, the LA house, the buses, everything, is courtesy of the label. That the pay right now is actually miniscule."

"We can't switch labels, Alex."

"I'm not asking you to, Matt. I'm just saying that when we did switch a couple months ago, I didn't expect my share of what we made to be cut by nearly 30%."

"None of us did." He mumbles, probably thinking of the wedding he has to pay for in just a year.

"You need help then." Jack says. It's more of a statement than a question. "We'll help you, Alex. We'll put in everything we can."

No one argues the point, except Alex. "Jamie isn't going to like the idea of borrowing money very much, I can tell you right now."

"She doesn't have a choice. You don't have enough to support yourself and a kid and Jamie." My stomach falls to pieces and I think I'm going to be the one who's sick. Matt had just confirmed what I thought all along. Alex didn't have much to spare since the label trade.

"I'll pay back every cent that I borrow from you guys." Alex says. "I didn't... I should have been more careful."

Again, a deathly quiet sets in until Alex asks what has been second on my mind behind the cost.

"When do I tell the fans?"

Rian interjects although it was a question for Matt. "When you can't hide it anymore."

"Think they'll take it harshly?" Alex's voice says he already knows the answer. He makes that choking noise again when no one rids the idea from his mind.

"The real ones are going to stick it through and be happy for you." Rian assures him.

"Yeah, for me, but what about Jamie, what about-?"

I leave before I can hear anything more. I pour myself a glass of tea and go to sit on the porch while I wipe tears from my eyes.

So it was all true.

Alex and I were in deep shit this time. Not the kind I can call my dad to bail us out of either.

We couldn't afford a baby with his cut pay on the new 'bigger, better' label. We didn't have time for a baby with the tours and the band. And we certainly weren't going to hve 100% support for this baby.

Nothing was right. Nothing was okay.

All I had was the sunset, and not even that was sticking around.