Sex and White Lies

Travis was actually a cool kid. He would come over every so often after school and I would help, or at least try to help him with his homework. I asked him if my mom knew he was coming over and he shook his head. He told her he was at a friend’s house most of the time, or the library. I guess that was kind of true. Travis and Alex also got along, which was good. They mostly talked about music…well, Blink-182 to be exact. I would just shake my head at them.

I was attempting to help Travis with his math homework, and to be honest, I sucked at math. Especially improper and mixed fractions. “Okay, I think you multiply the four and the twelve…” I said, scratching my head. Travis raised an eyebrow at me. Travis leaned back in his chair, looking exasperated.

“Rian…” Travis whined. Rian appeared around a corner, raising his eyebrow. “Jill’s not being very helpful.” Rian smiled slightly and walked over.

He leaned over slightly, “Okay, multiply fifty-six and four…okay, now add twelve.” Rian told Travis. Travis wrote down his answer and looked up at Rian, who clapped my brother on the shoulder. “There you go.”

“Thanks Rian.” Travis said, and then turned to me. “I like him better.” Rian laughed, walking into the living room. I hurled an eraser at him, but it didn’t even come close to hitting him. I then made a face at Travis.

“You remember that the next time you need help writing an English essay.” I threatened. English and Drama were my only good subjects in school. Travis rolled his eyes, and I pushed his head. “Don’t get snippy.”

“God, you sound like your mom.” Travis said. I pointed a finger at him, and he only laughed. I smiled and shook my head. The front door opened, and soon Alex appeared with Jack in tow.

It was normal for Alex to see Travis at the house frequently, so he just gave him a small wave. “Hey Trav,” Alex said, walking into the kitchen.

Jack stopped by the table and raised an eyebrow. “Didn’t know you like ‘em young.” Jack said to me. I shot him a look.

“He’s my brother.” I said, looking back down at Travis’ homework.

“Brother?” Jack questioned. “I didn’t know you had a brother.”

“He’s a step brother.” I added.

“I didn’t know you had a step brother.” Jack said.

“Neither did I until a few weeks ago.” I said, and Jack only gave me a strange look. Travis looked between the two of us. “Oh, Jack, this is Travis. Travis, this is the bane of my existence, Jack.” I said. Jack frowned at me, but smiled at Travis. They said few words of introduction before Travis said he should probably get going before my mom got suspicious where he was. Jack took Travis’ spot when the front door closed behind the fourteen year old.

“So, step brother?” Jack repeated again.

“Yeah. He’s a cool kid though. You’d probably get along with him well. That’s kind of frightening.” I frowned slightly. Jack only laughed and shook his hair. “So, what’s up?”

“I just wanted to come over and visit. I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever.” Jack said.

“Jack…we went to the movies last night.” I raised an eyebrow at him.

“I know! But that was so long ago!” Jack whined.

“It was fourteen hours ago!” I exclaimed, and I heard Alex laugh somewhere in the house.

“You’re such a dork.” I shook my head and Jack smiled.

A little while after Jack left, Rian and Alex were all sitting in the living room watching a movie on TV. I had my hands on a newspaper, looking for employment opportunities. I wanted to be able to support myself at some point; I couldn’t rely on Alex forever. I wandered into the living room with the newspaper. I wasn’t really paying attention to the TV, and I only looked up briefly when Rian made a comment on how poorly the acting was done in one of the later scenes. I noticed that Alex was keeping an eye on me while I was in the living room. I went back to looking at the paper, occasionally circling things that might be of interest to me.

I looked up when a scream came from the TV, and my eyes were instantly glued. I loved horror movies, and I thought that’s what they were watching. But, then I wished I could have looked away. There was a rape scene in the movie, and I automatically felt uncomfortable. My heart started to pound in my chest, and Alex saw my horrified face.

“Okay, I think we should watch something else.” Alex said, snatching the remote and changing it to a random channel. My eyes were still locked on the TV, like I was still expecting the scene to come back up. “Are you okay Jill?” Alex asked. I didn’t answer. My mind had instantly shot back to that night I was 16. My hands started to shake, my breathing becoming unsteady. I abruptly stood up, the newspaper falling off my lap. I walked into the kitchen and leaned against the counter in front of the sink. I turned on the tap, running cool water over my hands to splash on my face.

Alex had come up behind me and handed me a towel to wipe my face off. I did just that and set the towel on the counter. Alex put a hand on my shoulder. “Are you okay?” Alex repeated. I shook my head slowly. “I’m sorry Jill. I should have…I shouldn’t of turned that movie on.” Alex said.

“It’s not your fault.” I told him, but Alex frowned. I tried to smile, but it was weak.

“Do you…do you want to talk about it?” Alex asked. I inhaled sharply, shaking my head again. I then walked back to my room, shutting the door behind me.

A few nights later I had a terrible nightmare. My sleep cycle hadn’t been smooth since I started taking sleeping pills. There were nights where I’d get a good eight hours of sleep. Some nights I tossed and turned for hours. It was kind of touch and go with me. Of course, I wasn’t very consistent with the pills either. I’d take them for a couple of days, and then I’d stop for about a week.

The nightmares still came and went. Usually when I had them, I was up all night. I stayed in my room, pretending to sleep when someone walked by. A lot of the time, I cried myself back to sleep. Sometimes, it just didn’t work. This particular night was one of them.

I had woken up around two-thirty in the morning, from a nightmare, of course. I lay in bed for about a half an hour before I heard Alex’s bedroom door open (Rian was over at Kara’s house for a few days). I listened to him walk past my room while holding in a sob, and then he went into the bathroom. When the bathroom door closed, I let the sob out. I think I sobbed for another minute before I heard the bathroom door open again. I quickly turned onto my side and faced the wall, so if Alex walked by again, he’d think I was sleeping. Boy was I wrong.

“Jill? Jill, are you awake?” I heard Alex ask. I didn’t respond in hopes he’d go away. “Jillian, I know you’re awake; I heard you crying when I was in the bathroom.”

I turned onto my back and sat up, looking at him best I could with the dim light coming through my window. “Okay, you caught me.” My voice cracked. Alex came into my room and sat down on the edge of my bed while I brought my knees up to my chest.

“What’s wrong? Did you have a nightmare?” he asked me, and I only nodded. “What was it about?”

“What else could it have been about Alex?” I snapped at him. He was a little taken-back by my tone. I pressed the palm of my hand against my face, wiping away stray tears. “It’s what that asshole did to me.” Once my eyes adjusted to the light, I could see Alex looked extremely empathetic. He put his hand on my knee and gently squeezed it.

“You know that it’s all in the past, right?” Alex asked. I only nodded. “Everything is going to be alright.”

“How can you say that?” I asked. “How can you be so certain that it will be?”

“I’m not.” Alex said.

“You’re a great one for the pep-talks, you know.” I said sarcastically.

“I try.” Alex responded. He thought for a moment, “You know he can’t hurt you anymore, right?” I nodded again. “Then I think it’s time to let it go.”

“It’s really hard to do that.” I said.

“I know, but…” he started to say.

“Don’t you dare tell me that it’s not Alex. Don’t you fucking dare sit there and tell me to man up and forget about it.” I said bitterly. “Once you’ve been raped, you can talk to me about getting over it.” I said, and I immediately regretted it. Alex and I sat in silence. “I…I’m sorry Alex. I shouldn’t have snapped like that.” I said.

“What, you’re actually apologizing to me?” Alex smirked. I rolled my eyes at him and pushed his shoulder.

“You’re such an ass, you know.” I said. Alex smiled slightly. “But I am sorry.”

“No, it’s okay. I understand.” Alex said. “Besides, he’s never going to hurt you again.” He said. He then pulled me into a hug and held me close to him. “I’m going to make sure of it. You’re damn safe here, Jill.” Alex squeezed me tightly before getting up to leave my room.

“Alex? Would you stay?” I asked. Alex looked back at me and smiled.

“Just like the good ol’ days?”

“Just like the good ol’ days.”