The Spirit of Music

As her eyes slowly opened and began to regain their focus, Paula realised she wasn’t home.

The walls of the room were light-coloured; a baby blue fading graciously to white as the light hazily illuminated Paula’s surroundings. She couldn’t make out much more than the colours around her, but she knew that she was lying on a comfortable bed, and something was placed around her nose and mouth. She could hear a telephone ringing, and the voices of dozens of people around her. To Paula, their speech was another language. She couldn’t make out a word that anyone was saying. Were they speaking to her?

‘Mrs Hamilton?’ A clearer, gentler voice asked.

That’s me, Paula thought. I’m Mrs Hamilton. But who are you?

‘Mrs Hamilton, are you awake?’

Paula could only manage a soft groan in response. Where was this voice coming from? Who was it? Where was she?

‘Don’t worry Mrs Hamilton,’ the gentle voice said. ‘You’re in hospital. You fainted, but we’re taking care of you okay?’

Another groan from Paula.

‘Your husband is here. He’s just helping the doctor out with some of your details.’

Paula wanted to ask why she fainted, if she was going to be okay, if this was normal, but instead her eyes closed again, and she passed out.

***

‘So I just fell? Just like that?’ The words came out of Paula’s mouth slowly, clumsily.

‘Yeah,’ Mike answered. ‘I couldn’t wake you up. You just collapsed and I phoned 999. It was pretty scary.’

Paula searched her mind and tried to remember this. The last thing she could remember was hanging the washing out to dry. She remembered the warmth from the sun, the cool gentle breeze of the wind, and the smell of freshly cut grass. And her nose was bleeding. Yes, she could remember that now. She remembered thinking that she hadn’t had a nosebleed since she was in her early teens. Then everything went black.

‘The last thing I can remember is hanging out your underwear,’ Paula grinned. ‘Maybe if you changed them every now and then the smell wouldn’t make me pass out.’

Mike could only manage a nervous smirk at Paula’s joke.

‘How do you feel now?’ Mike asked, leaning back a little on his chair.

‘Dizzy,’ Paula answered. ‘And I have a headache, but fine.’

Paula wished her husband would believe this, but he had that look on his face. The same look which was usually reserved for situations such as the time that Shona, his niece, had accidentally torn a hole in the sofa and blamed it on the dog.

‘They told me it’s not that bad,’ Mike said. ‘Hopefully you’ll be out soon. They just need to find out exactly what made you collapse.’

‘They asked me a whole bunch of questions,’ Paula said. ‘They seemed quite interested in the headaches I’ve been having.’

‘Don’t worry,’ Mike replied. ‘I’m sure it’s nothing.’

‘One of the doctors wanted to know everything about me. Height, weight, date of birth, marital status, phone number. He wanted to ask me out. I said I’d think about it if my husband didn’t get here on time.’

‘Ha-ha.’ Mike rolled his eyes.

Sinking back into the soft pillow of her hospital bed, Paula sighed deeply. She had been scared by waking up in a hospital but she felt better now. She hadn’t known what to expect when she came to her senses, but she was glad to see her husband, loyal, loving, and handsome sitting opposite her. She smiled at him.

‘What?’ Mike asked.

‘Nothing,’ Paula replied. ‘I just love you.’

Mike returned the smile. ‘I love you too.’

‘Mrs Hamilton?’ A doctor with a clipboard appeared through the doorway of the ward.

‘Yeah?’ Paula replied, still smiling.

‘And Mr Hamilton I presume?’ The doctor asked while extending his hand to Mike.

‘Yes.’ Mike shook the doctor’s hand.

‘My name is Doctor McLennan; I’ve been the one trying to figure out exactly what made your wife collapse today.’

Mike eagerly sat up in his chair as the doctor took a seat next to him.

‘Now, we’ve determined that your heart is fine,’ Doctor McLennan said speaking directly to Paula. ‘There are no irregular rhythms and it appears very strong indeed. So there are a few other options we have to consider.’

‘But if it’s not her heart then it’s nothing serious?’ Mike asked.

‘Mike!’ Paula flashed her husband a half annoyed half joking look. ‘Don’t interrupt the doctor!’

‘Sorry,’ Mike said. ‘I’m just a bit nervous.’

‘That’s quite alright,’ Doctor McLennan laughed. ‘To answer your question Mr Hamilton, we hope that it’s nothing serious, but we do have to consider other, more hazardous possibilities. However, you said that you have been sick a couple of times in the last few days Mrs Hamilton?’

‘Yeah,’ Paula nodded. ‘This morning, and two other times this week. I was going to make an appointment to see a doctor but then of course I ended up here.’
‘I see,’ the doctor responded. ‘Mrs Hamilton, is it possible you could be pregnant?’

Paula felt a quick flurry of excitement rise up inside her. Pregnant? She hadn’t thought of that but of course, it would explain everything.

‘Um, yeah,’ Paula said while brushing back some of her light blonde hair from off of her eyes. ‘It’s possible.’

Doctor McLennan wrote something down on his clipboard.

‘So, do you think that’s what it is?’ Mike asked eagerly.

‘Well,’ the doctor began. ‘There’s only one way to find out. I’ll arrange for one of the nurses to bring you a pregnancy test and we can take things from there.’

Paula looked over at Mike, grinning. ‘If this is your fault, I’m going to make sure it’s you that’s in hospital, not me!’

Mike’s cheeks reddened slightly as the doctor made his way out of the room.

‘What’s the matter honey?’ Paula teased. ‘I didn’t embarrass you in public did I?’

***

Paula was surprised at how quickly the staff at the hospital had her pregnancy test ready for her, and even more surprised at how fast the negative result came back. Although she had suddenly been excited at the thought she might have been pregnant, she didn’t feel the crushing disappointment that she thought she might if the results had come back negative. She and Mike had talked about having a baby some day, and she had hoped that it would happen before she was thirty. Ah well, she thought, she still had another three years till she was thirty. But if she wasn’t pregnant, then what was wrong with her?

The hospital kept her in for the next three days to run various tests. They gave her medicine for her headaches, and a nurse would come and ask her questions a few times each day about her general wellbeing. She was not short of visitors; her parents came to see her every day, as did Mike. She even got a surprise visit from Shona when Mike brought his brother Josh up to see her.

On one other occasion she was visited from Daniela and Ruth from the school. Daniela was the head of the English department at Roseangle High School in Edinburgh, one of the largest secondary schools in Scotland. Paula worked in the department as an English teacher along with Ruth and one other teacher, Ryan. The three women in the department remained close and Ryan, being the only man in the department often marked tests and planned lessons during breaks, or headed to the main staff room. Although Daniela was her boss (Sort of, as Paula would put it), she never viewed her as one. Daniela assured Paula that “a very capable substitute” had comfortably taken Paula’s classes in her leave.

Shona had brought Paula a handmade card, and sealed it in a bright yellow envelope. The front of the card read “Get Well Soon Anty Paula”, and she had drawn a picture of a thin blue sky at the top, and another line of green grass at the bottom. In the corner was a large round sun with a smiling face, its rays shining out in short orange lines with two longer rays stretching out to a picture of Shona and Paula holding hands and smiling. Inside the card was a simple message:

'To Anty Paula,
I hope you feel better soon.
I love you lots and lots.
From Shona xxx'

‘Did I spell everything right?’ Shona asked Paula.

Mike had always told Paula that Shona thought it was brilliant that she was a teacher and “She isn’t even that old”. Although Shona was only seven and Paula was more used to teaching teenagers in a high school, she always enjoyed helping Shona with her English homework. She helped her spell out Auntie properly and told her that everything else was brilliant.

‘Thanks Auntie Paula!’ Shona beamed. ‘Oh! I almost forgot, Daddy says you’re not allowed to bring real flowers in to the hospital, but I made you this.’

She produced a folded origami flower from her pocket and gave it to Paula who held it gently, sniffed it and said that it smelled as lovely as it looked.

‘How is the band getting on?’ Paula asked Josh.

‘Not so good at the moment actually,’ Josh said with his arms folded. ‘Derrick just left. He’s away to start a new job in Glasgow.’

‘Aw, that’s a shame.’ Paula said. ‘Who was Derrick again? The singer? I think I get him mixed up with Jacob.’

‘Yeah,’ Josh said. ‘He’s got two kids now as well so I think he wants to spend more time with his family now.’

‘Ever thought about having a female singer?’ Paula asked.

‘Why, do you know someone?’ Josh asked.

‘Oh I don’t know,’ Paula mused. ‘There is one hot chick, five feet seven, blonde hair, lying in a hospital bed, called Paula.’

Josh laughed. ‘I would love to have you Paula! But Derrick played rhythm guitar as well.’

‘I can play guitar!’Paula said. ‘Well, sort of. I have an old electric that needs restrung. I’ve written songs and everything. I’m an undiscovered talent!’

‘Well let’s get you out of hospital first.’ Mike said, smiling.

‘Yeah,’ Paula said. ‘You’re right. I don’t think these rock stars want a hospitalised English teacher fronting The Burgh anyway.’

On her second day in hospital, Paula was still complaining to the staff about her headaches. The nurses brought her painkillers but she didn’t think it was helping very much. Doctor McLennan had come over for a chat about her headaches looking quite concerned. He told Paula that it was very likely that this could be connected to her nosebleed, and that they didn’t want to take any chances. He arranged for Paula to have an MRI scan that day which had made Paula’s parents very anxious. Her father started asking the staff who had come by Paula’s bed about tumours to the outrage of Paula’s mother. Don’t talk about tumours in front of Paula, you’ll frighten her. It’s probably nothing.

On the third day, Paula woke up with no headache. She was still waiting for the results of the MRI but Doctor McLennan seemed very satisfied with her recovery and told her that they would monitor her but she may be able to go home as early as that very day.
‘What about the MRI results?’ Paula asked.

‘We’ll certainly analyse that,’ Doctor McLennan responded. ‘And of course you will have to see a doctor again very soon. But it all depends on what we find on the scan.’
‘Trying to get rid of me so soon?’ Paula grinned. ‘Am I taking up a bed that could be used for someone more useful?’

The doctor chuckled softly, shook his head and assured Paula that it had been his pleasure looking after her. Paula had grown fond of Doctor McLennan during her stay; he had been kind to her and had put up with Paula’s perpetually jovial nature. His greying hair and wrinkled skin suggested to Paula that the stress of working in a hospital over the years had taken its toll on him.

‘Is there anything else I can help you with at the moment Mrs Hamilton?’ Doctor McLennan asked.

Paula thought back to the visit with her parents, and more particularly, what her father had said. She had laughed it off at first, but it was still there in the back of her mind. Should she ask the doctor? It might sound stupid.

It might not.

It’s now or never.

‘My dad mentioned tumours.’ Paula said. ‘Is that what you’re looking for?’

Doctor McLennan sighed, and took a seat next to Paula’s bed.

‘The nosebleeds you’ve been having,’ Doctor McLennan began. ‘The headaches, the vomiting, the passing out... It doesn’t necessarily mean that there is a tumour, but yes, we are checking your brain for any problems Mrs Hamilton. But please don’t panic. Medical science has come a remarkably long way in the past twenty years, and even cancer is becoming more and more curable. Of course if we do find a tumour, then a very delicate operation is required to remove it before it gets too big. I would imagine if we did find one then it wouldn’t be very large to begin with; you said your symptoms have been only been showing for the last week or two weeks, so I think we will have gotten to it early enough.’

Paula felt a cold shiver run through her body. She stared blankly at the wall next to the doctor.

‘Of course,’ Doctor McLennan continued, standing up. ‘We might not find anything at all. Only time will tell.’

Paula looked at the doctor and smiled, faintly.

‘Thank you Doctor McLennan.’

***

Mike came to collect Paula from hospital that afternoon and helped her pack the belongings that he had brought up to her. Paula thanked the staff and joked that as nice as they were she hoped that she wouldn’t see them again too soon. She had asked Mike to pick up a thank you card and a box of Celebrations which she handed to Doctor McLennan before she left.

When they arrived home Mike told her that she should probably go to bed and rest but Paula insisted that she had had enough rest in the hospital. She called Daniela and said that she was home and would be back at work the following day.

‘Are you sure?’ Daniela asked. ‘Maybe you should have another day’s rest?’

‘Honestly Daniela, I’m fine. Ask the substitute to leave me the work that the kids have been doing and I’ll see you tomorrow.’

‘Paula,’ Daniela began to sound more sincere. ‘As your boss I insist that you take one more day off. Besides, the substitute it already preparing lesson plans for tomorrow.’

When Paula hung up the phone she began to feel a little annoyed. I was only in hospital. It’s not as if I was in a deadly car crash.

‘Maybe you should wait for the MRI results before you make any commitments.’ Mike said later.

‘Look,’ Paula began. ‘Why is everyone being like this? I’m fine, I had a funny turn but the hospital have said I can go home now. There’s nothing wrong with me. Will you just leave me alone?’

Paula would later feel terrible about snapping at Mike, but at the time she was becoming increasingly irritated at people acting as if she had a terminal disease. Her father had called her and by the time the words “maybe you should just rest a little longer” came out of his mouth she felt like screaming and slamming the telephone down.

Later that evening the telephone rang again and Paula ignored it. Mike picked up the handset and answered.

‘It’s for you, sweetie.’ Mike called to Paula.

Paula sighed and pushed herself up off of the sofa. ‘Of course it is.’

‘It’s Doctor McLennan.’

Paula took the phone from Mike and answered.

She listened to the words that Doctor McLennan was saying.

She stared as blankly out of her window as she had at the hospital wall during her last conversation with the doctor.

She thanked the doctor, hung up the telephone, and ran into Mike’s arms crying.