Status: Sorry to leave you hanging guys! The keyboard on my laptop is malfunctioning.
Stop Pretending That You're Sorry
67
“How could you not tell me?” He was trying to keep his voice at a reasonable volume, it was a struggle.
“What was I supposed to say?” Great, now I was crying.
“The truth. What the hell else?”
“Well sorry I didn’t want to just say ‘Woops your girlfriend is dead’.”
“You should’ve told me the tr- wait, what?!”
And all my innards fell out my ass. Did I just fuck this up even more?
“That’s what you and Max talked about, right? That’s what he told you, isn’t it?”
“He told me that Cayleigh is in the hospital in critical condition, but they’ve got her moderately stabled. Wait, you thought she was dead and you didn’t fucking tell me?”
He never cursed at school. The word hit me like a slap to the face.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”
“I can’t believe what a horrible, self-centered person you are. I honestly thought you were someone else. Now I see how wrong I was.”
“Where are you going?” I asked through snotty sniffles. He’d gotten to his feet and grabbed his gray jacket off the back of his chair.
“To the hospital. Where the hell do you think?”
And that’s when I lost John.
I felt lost and alone, no John, no Tucci, no Julia and therefor no Katie. It’s funny how slow time goes when you’re lonely as fuck.
Thursday rolled around, my appointment was right after school. I stopped in the bathroom during last period, mainly to get out of class but I did kind of have to pee. The middle stall, I don’t know why I always chose that one but I did. It’s funny when you stop and notice all the little patterns and things in life.
Fuck being sanitary. I sat my ass right down on the seat. When I was little my Auntie taught me that you never sit on a public toilet, you squat above it. Hurts your thighs like a bitch though.
As I finished up, reaching over to grab some toilet paper only to find there was none. Dammit. Drip dry? Gross. I do draw the line of being disgusting at some point.
Maybe fate was feeling bad for all the shit it’d just thrown in my face, because I heard the bathroom door open and relief flooded over me. Saved!
The other girl took the stall right next to me, I looked down and noticed the shoes…
“Katie?”
“Regan?” She answered, sounding just as surprised as I had.
“Hey, could you maybe hand me some toilet tissue? This one’s out.”
“Sure thing.”
Wow, fate was really being nice for a change.
Katie’s hand appeared beneath the stall wall, stuffed with toilet paper.
“You are a life saver.” And I really don’t know why I asked, I guess because to be quite honest I was really scared and didn’t want to go alone, but I opened my big fat mouth without thinking and said, “Would you go to my ultrasound appointment with me after school? If you’re not busy that is.”
It was quiet for a few seconds, a few seconds that felt like hours. I swallowed, the nerves tangling into a tight knot in my stomach.
“Um, yeah sure.” It sounded like she wasn’t really sure how to reply to such a request, but at the same time it was sincere with a hint of excitement. Katie. Julia couldn’t take my friend from me.
We took Katie’s car, a nice change from walking. The GPS read out directions to the clinic, while I fiddled with my fingers in my lap.
“Want to listen to some music?” Katie offered, pointing at her iPod which was connected to the radio console via some kind of bright green cable.
I shook my head. Words were being avoided out of the sheer terror that I might puke if I opened my mouth. Anxiety was never easy on me.
“Calm down,” Katie pressed her hand on my knee. “It’s going to be fine. More than fine. You get to see your baby. Aren’t you excited?”
I get to see my baby… I get to see my baby… MY baby.
A wide smile spread across my cheeks. My baby.
Sitting in the waiting room was awful, thank god Katie agreed to come with me. I could feel eyes on me, boring into me, judging me. It made me feel small and weak.
When they finally called my name I was thankful to get the hell out of that awful room of judgment. Katie came back with me.
The nurse was very nice, with dyed blonde hair, red lips, rosy cheeks, and pretty blue eyes. Betty was her name. She looked to be somewhere in her late twenties. Then again I was always shit at guessing ages.
I laid back on the bed/examining table thing. You know what I’m talking about, right? Do those things have an actual name?
Betty spread gel on my stomach, it was cold, and the nerves had me bursting out in giggles. Katie just thought it was the excitement of seeing the baby.
We heard it before we saw it, a steady little thump thump thump. Heartbeat. My baby’s heartbeat. My baby. And then I looked at the screen, and as tears welled in my eyes I couldn’t help but wish it was John squeezing my hand and smiling up at me in place of Katie.
Fuck whether or not John was talking to me, I was showing him a picture whether he wanted it or not. I pulled out my phone and snapped a picture, immediately texting it to him.
Regan: PICTURE MSG[ You should hear the heartbeat. ]
“What was I supposed to say?” Great, now I was crying.
“The truth. What the hell else?”
“Well sorry I didn’t want to just say ‘Woops your girlfriend is dead’.”
“You should’ve told me the tr- wait, what?!”
And all my innards fell out my ass. Did I just fuck this up even more?
“That’s what you and Max talked about, right? That’s what he told you, isn’t it?”
“He told me that Cayleigh is in the hospital in critical condition, but they’ve got her moderately stabled. Wait, you thought she was dead and you didn’t fucking tell me?”
He never cursed at school. The word hit me like a slap to the face.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”
“I can’t believe what a horrible, self-centered person you are. I honestly thought you were someone else. Now I see how wrong I was.”
“Where are you going?” I asked through snotty sniffles. He’d gotten to his feet and grabbed his gray jacket off the back of his chair.
“To the hospital. Where the hell do you think?”
And that’s when I lost John.
I felt lost and alone, no John, no Tucci, no Julia and therefor no Katie. It’s funny how slow time goes when you’re lonely as fuck.
Thursday rolled around, my appointment was right after school. I stopped in the bathroom during last period, mainly to get out of class but I did kind of have to pee. The middle stall, I don’t know why I always chose that one but I did. It’s funny when you stop and notice all the little patterns and things in life.
Fuck being sanitary. I sat my ass right down on the seat. When I was little my Auntie taught me that you never sit on a public toilet, you squat above it. Hurts your thighs like a bitch though.
As I finished up, reaching over to grab some toilet paper only to find there was none. Dammit. Drip dry? Gross. I do draw the line of being disgusting at some point.
Maybe fate was feeling bad for all the shit it’d just thrown in my face, because I heard the bathroom door open and relief flooded over me. Saved!
The other girl took the stall right next to me, I looked down and noticed the shoes…
“Katie?”
“Regan?” She answered, sounding just as surprised as I had.
“Hey, could you maybe hand me some toilet tissue? This one’s out.”
“Sure thing.”
Wow, fate was really being nice for a change.
Katie’s hand appeared beneath the stall wall, stuffed with toilet paper.
“You are a life saver.” And I really don’t know why I asked, I guess because to be quite honest I was really scared and didn’t want to go alone, but I opened my big fat mouth without thinking and said, “Would you go to my ultrasound appointment with me after school? If you’re not busy that is.”
It was quiet for a few seconds, a few seconds that felt like hours. I swallowed, the nerves tangling into a tight knot in my stomach.
“Um, yeah sure.” It sounded like she wasn’t really sure how to reply to such a request, but at the same time it was sincere with a hint of excitement. Katie. Julia couldn’t take my friend from me.
We took Katie’s car, a nice change from walking. The GPS read out directions to the clinic, while I fiddled with my fingers in my lap.
“Want to listen to some music?” Katie offered, pointing at her iPod which was connected to the radio console via some kind of bright green cable.
I shook my head. Words were being avoided out of the sheer terror that I might puke if I opened my mouth. Anxiety was never easy on me.
“Calm down,” Katie pressed her hand on my knee. “It’s going to be fine. More than fine. You get to see your baby. Aren’t you excited?”
I get to see my baby… I get to see my baby… MY baby.
A wide smile spread across my cheeks. My baby.
Sitting in the waiting room was awful, thank god Katie agreed to come with me. I could feel eyes on me, boring into me, judging me. It made me feel small and weak.
When they finally called my name I was thankful to get the hell out of that awful room of judgment. Katie came back with me.
The nurse was very nice, with dyed blonde hair, red lips, rosy cheeks, and pretty blue eyes. Betty was her name. She looked to be somewhere in her late twenties. Then again I was always shit at guessing ages.
I laid back on the bed/examining table thing. You know what I’m talking about, right? Do those things have an actual name?
Betty spread gel on my stomach, it was cold, and the nerves had me bursting out in giggles. Katie just thought it was the excitement of seeing the baby.
We heard it before we saw it, a steady little thump thump thump. Heartbeat. My baby’s heartbeat. My baby. And then I looked at the screen, and as tears welled in my eyes I couldn’t help but wish it was John squeezing my hand and smiling up at me in place of Katie.
Fuck whether or not John was talking to me, I was showing him a picture whether he wanted it or not. I pulled out my phone and snapped a picture, immediately texting it to him.
Regan: PICTURE MSG[ You should hear the heartbeat. ]