Puppet

In the beginning it all seemed innocent. I was just another little girl with an active imagination, mixing reality and fiction to create my own world. At first my parents were concerned by my ability to create numerous imaginary friends, yet I never made friend with the other children. They were especially worried about January, my very first best friend.

“They’re just jealous,” he whispered in my ear. “They wish they had a friendship like ours Olivia.”

January didn’t have an appearance. I’ve never seen him, but he is always behind me whispering in my ear. I can feel his body heat, his breath, and his heart beat as if he is a part of me. January’s voice never changed, it was deep and calming, not like a man’s voice, but a boys, and was constantly in my ear whispering things to me. My other friends never stuck around for long once January came into my life, they feared him.

Mamma and dad use to ask me, “Why don’t you go out and play with the other kids?”

To which I’d reply with, “Because I can’t.”

They’d ask me what I meant, but I always refused to explain. They’d give me a weary smile and worry lines outlined their aged faces, but they’d always lie through their teeth. “Okay then,” they’d say. But it wasn’t okay.

“You only need me Olivia,” January whispered, his hot breathe tickled my ear. “Nobody else but you and me.”

I ached to break away from January. I wanted so badly to be able to go out and play tag with the neighbourhood boys or house with the girls, but I couldn’t. January’s was possessive, controlling, I was his and only his.

He said, “You don’t need them Olivia, none of them will ever understand you like I do.” And I smiled. He was right. That was one thing I hated about January, he was always right.

As I got older his influence became stronger and stronger, and it felt as if I couldn’t break away from him. Everything he told me to do I did, everything he told me to say I spoke, everything he told me to believe I believed. I was his puppet; and he was free to pull my strings as he pleased.

I got up abruptly from my bed I had been sitting on and began to pace around the room. January paced with me, his feet scratching along the concrete. “Whatchya’ doing Olivia?” he asked. I stayed quiet, biting my finger nails. “Olivia,” his voice got a bit louder, almost threatening. “Answer me,” he demanded.

I have done a lot of bad things growing up because of January. I’ve started fires, stolen from my neighbours, physically hurt myself, and I’ve done unimaginable trauma to my family, both physically and mentally. My family feared me, but the rest of the world pitied me. Whenever I was outside my neighbours would stare at me with their ugly eyes, judging me. I especially hated the older woman in my neighbourhood who'd gawk and say in pity, “Such a pretty young thing, such a sad sight to see her mind rot away.”

I turned and looked out my window, the black iron bars broke apart the scenery, but it still looked beautiful outside. The sun was shining; a few white, puffy clouds broke apart the blue sky, the green grass shimmered in the sunlight, and the leaves on the oak trees danced slightly from a breeze outside. I could hear the voices of the other patients and nurses as they walked around outside. I let out a heavy sigh, I pitied myself most of all. It was unfair that I was constantly locked inside, when all I wanted was to run outside and lay in the grass without a care in the world. It was all Januarys fault.

“You don’t need to go outside Olivia, you and I can play in here,” January said. Fuck off, I wanted to scream, but I bit the inside of my cheek to keep my mouth shut. “Just you and me, forever,” January whispered, as he chuckled to himself.

The door opened suddenly, and I whipped around startled by the squeaking of the hinges on the door. A nurse walked in carrying two cups, one full of bitter pills and the other full of crisp water. “Good afternoon,” she greeted in her sickly sweet voice. I didn’t respond I just stared at her hoping she’d leave soon. “Please come and sit,” she gestured towards my bed. I complied obediently. The pills never seemed to cure me, as the doctors had promised my parents, they only managed to make me sleepy and disoriented.

The nurse handed me the one cup full of pills, I brought the paper cup to my lips and held it there for a moment in hesitation, the pills always tasted god awful. I took a deep breath and put them all in my mouth, their bitter taste burning my tongue making me grimace, and the nurse handed me the cup full of water that I quickly drank to wash away the taste. The nurse smiled again and took the cups from my hands. I presumed she was new, none of the other nurses’ smiled. She was young, probably fresh out of school, her brown hair was pulled back into a bun, and she wore the mandatory nurse outfit of plain gray scrubs. Her pretty face was thick with make-up, especially around her warm hazel eyes that were outlined in black.

“She’s disgusting,” January hissed. I nodded in agreement. “Just like that other little girl,” January laughed. “Remember her?”

I didn’t want to, I tried to forget, but January loved to taunt me with that memory. What had happened that day was the final straw for my parents, and now I was here. For how long, God only knows. January was content though, maybe this was what he’d been working towards. He now had my full attention, nobody would disturb us besides the occasional nurse or doctor who had little to do with me.

“That ugly girl with those ugly eyes got what she deserved. We only wanted to make her eyes prettier, right Olivia? They just needed some adjustments. We didn't do anything wrong. Your parents just don’t understand, but I do Olivia.”

Shut up! I screamed in my head, clasping my hands over my ears and shutting my eyes tightly. I couldn’t hear January anymore, but the damage had been done. My mind flooded with images of blood and screaming. “What did you do Olivia?” Came the shrill cry of my mamma.

“I didn’t mean to mamma! I didn’t mean to!” I cried. Another girl’s voice was screaming and crying loud terrified sobs.

“Oh my god!” my mom cried again in horror as she tried to put together in her mind what she saw before her. A kitchen knife in my small hands covered in my cousin Ellie’s blood, Ellie covered her face with her hands but the blood was soaking through them and running down her arms. She trembled and sobbed violently, out of fear and shock. An eleven year old me stood there, too terrified to move. “January told me to do it!” I cried, waiting to shift the blame off of me. “January told me to do it!” I screamed again.

“January told me to do it!” I sobbed, but I was brought back by the sudden shake of my shoulders. I opened my eyes and saw the young nurse standing in front of me; her eyes wide open like a deer caught in the headlights. She was uneasy, unsure of how to handle the situation unlike the veteran nurses that were jilted by the constant odd behaviour from other patients. In panic she had done the only thing she could think to do. Unfortunately it was the wrong thing.

“Get that filthy woman off you!” January hissed in my ear, his jealousy coming through.

“Get away from me,” I mumbled averting my gaze from the nurse. Her hands grew lighter on my shoulders, but she didn’t let go.

“Tell her to get off of you!” January yelled, causing me to flinch from the loud noise.

“Get off me!” I screamed at her, pulling away from her grasp. The young nurse began to back away from me.

“Get out! Get out!” January continued to yell over and over again.

“Get out! Get out!” I bellowed, Januarys word's becoming mind. I stood up from the bed and began making my way towards the nurse who was staring at me with wide, terrified eyes. “Get out!” January’s anger was radiating onto me. I was no longer the frail, shy Olivia, I was January. I stamped my feet on the ground, the veins on my neck stood out against my skin, my skin turned red hot against my bones. My voice changed from a tentative feminine voice to something inhuman and demonic, to January’s voice.

“Olivia, sit back down,” the nurse ordered, her voice not as strong as she wanted it to be. Her gaze shifted from me to the door uneasily, hoping that the orderlies would come to her rescue.

“Get that god damn bitch out! Claw her fucking god awful eyes out!” January ordered.

I made a lunge for the young nurse, but she dogged me letting out a scream of terror. She fled from the room, slamming and locking the heavy door behind her. January began to laugh, a sadistic laugh that turned my blood cold. I got back up, ignoring the throbbing pain in my knee from landing on the floor. I opened my mouth and began to laugh along with January, tilting my head back and staring at the ceiling. I howled with laughter until Januarys died down, and only then did I begin to cry, my own salty tears of despair.

Why God? I asked. Why me?

I lowered my head and whipped my eyes, but the tears kept coming. I hate January for all the misery he has caused me, but yet I feared him leaving me.

“It’s okay Olivia, I’m here,” January cooed. His breath on my shoulder disgusted me, but it was also comforting, I wasn’t alone with January was by my side.

“I’ll never abandon you Olivia, I love you.” And in my own sick way I loved him to. He was my confidence, my protector, and my only friend. I needed him. I took a seat on my bed and stared at the wall, listening as January cooed in my ear.

“Just you and me Olivia, forever.”

I smiled, and in a whisper I repeated what January had said, “Just you and me Olivia, forever.” And I began to sob, as much as I loathed January; I loved and needed him just as much, because I was nothing without him. I was his puppet, and will be till the day I die.