Better Off This Way

Sophie inhaled deeply, and she let the smoke fill her lungs. She exhaled after she held it in for a few seconds. She sat in the big kitchen that was in her big house. Her backyard was the beach, and every morning and every night she could hear the waves crashing. It was peaceful, serene. It was all bullshit now. She brought the bud back to her lips, and she inhaled again. She was so disappointed in herself. She said she was going to quit because she wanted to have children. She should have quit years ago, but having a husband who also smoked didn’t help. She didn’t do it often, but she knew it could kill her.

At the moment, she didn’t give a damn. Her whole world was falling apart, and there was nothing she could do. Her eyes moved down to the table where a single business card was. It was small and designed very well. It had the name of a firm and a lawyer. It said the man specialized in divorces. She found it in the pocket of her husband’s jacket when she was doing his laundry. She remembered the pain that went through her chest when she saw it. Her heart had told her for the last couple of months that something was off.

He wasn’t as affectionate. He didn’t make love to her the same way. It seemed like a chore now instead of something intimate. She thought if she was more domestic she could win him back. It was just a rough patch in their marriage and everyone had them. She planned to make it work, but clearly he had other plans. He had already contacted a divorce lawyer. He wanted it to end it. Sophie let out a small sob. She already cried the entire afternoon, and now it was evening. He wasn’t home.

He called her in the morning to tell her he was out with the guys. He didn’t say which ones. It couldn’t be his band mates because she knew they were out with their wives and girlfriends. But he could be with the Berry twins, or Dan. Brian had loads of friends. It could be anyone.

She licked her lips and put out the cigarette in the ashtray. Smoking wasn’t enough. She got up from the chair. She straightened her creamy dress, one of her favorites that he bought for her. She checked the time on her watch, a watch he bought her. It was on her left hand, so she saw the ring he bought for her for their engagement. It was beautiful and she also had their wedding band. Her eyes burned and her chest felt so heavy. She was going to break down again. She held on to the counter of the island as she went down to her knees as she sobbed. The tears fell down her face and hit the floor.

Was it possible to die of heartbreak? It had to be because she truly felt like her heart was shattered and broken. She heard the sound of his car pulling up. She didn’t know whether to run outside and yell at him, or hide. She had to face him though. She walked to the front of the large house and she took a peek through the curtains. She watched him stay in the car for a while. He fixed his hair, he sniffed his shirt, and then he shoved his hand in his pocket. He pulled out his wedding band and placed it back on. She let out a small gasp, and she backed away and went back to the kitchen to look for something strong to drink. She thought tea would help, but she needed something stronger. He removed his wedding ring around her.

He didn’t want the reminder of his marriage, but not just his marriage, but of her. He was such a coward.

Sophie found what she was looking for. She pulled out the vodka that was in the freezer. When she took out a glass, she heard the front door open. Her heart hammered in her chest. She thought about hiding away, and not confront him, but she had to. She wasn’t a coward. She couldn’t continue living a sham. It was better off this way than continuing living in fantasy land. She wasn’t the type to ignore things until they went away.

“Sophie?” he called out and she cringed at the way he said her name. She drank some of the vodka directly from the bottle instead of pouring it in the glass. He walked in as she placed the vodka down on the counter. “What are you doing, babe?” again, she cringed. She didn’t want to hear him call her or call her pet names.

“I’m drinking. What the hell does it look like I’m doing,” she snapped bitterly, and it shocked him. He raised an eyebrow and then narrowed his eyes.

“What’s up your ass?”

“Certainly not you!” she shot back not really thinking what it meant. Her face flushed, and Brian just chuckled as he went to the fridge. His eyes went to the kitchen table where the business card was. She knew he would be able to see it from where he was, and he froze. He turned around and went to the table and grabbed it. “Oh, that,” she giggled, “I found it in your pocket this morning. Don’t forget your appointment is tomorrow at nine am. Wouldn’t you want you to miss it. I was about to throw it in the washer.”

Brian looked over to her, and Sophie glared at him. Then she scoffed and drank some more when he said nothing. He sniffed the air and asked her if she had been smoking.

“Fuck yeah I’ve been smoking. What’s the use of quitting if we’re obviously not going to have any children, huh?” every word she said had venom.

She watched as he understood everything. His eyes softened. She wanted to kick him, to punch him for looking like that.

“Sophie—“ he started, but she interrupted.

“What’s her name, Brian?” her voice lowered, almost a whisper. Tears swam in her eyes blurring her vision. She blinked and they fell down.

He looked tormented as he stared at her, but she wouldn’t back down until she got the information she wanted. She needed to know her name, what she looked like and how they met. She needed to know how it all began. She needed to know what she did wrong to drive him to the arms of another woman. Was she boring? Was she too nice? Was their sex life lacking? So many questions, and she didn’t know in which order she wanted to know them.

“Well?!” she spoke louder this time, but her voice betrayed her; she sounded broken. “What’s her name, Brian?”

“Amanda,” he sighed and shook his head.

“Amanda,” Sophie repeated. “Where did you meet her?”

“What’s the point of this?” he snapped.

“The point? The point is that you’ve been cheating on me for months! Yes, I know it’s been for months. It started around March when you were home from touring, and now it’s October, so it’s only been seven months. You already want to divorce me to be with her!” she pointed outside. “Tell me, goddamn it! I deserve to know everything!”

“Fine! I met her at a concert. I got her number and we met up at a bar.”

“You slept with her then?”

“Yes,” he mumbled and looked away.

“And you just came back from meeting her,” she said and placed her hand on her throat and cleared her throat. She didn’t like to yell. Her throat was too sensitive to yell so much. “Tell me more, Brian.”

“I don’t want to hurt you, Sophie. That was never my intention.”

She shook her head. “You don’t get it. You hurt me the moment you lied to me when I asked if we were okay a few weeks ago. You don’t think I’ve noticed how you’ve pulled away? How you don’t make love to me like you used to? I noticed! I never voiced it because I was afraid of the answer, of the reality. Our marriage is broken now. You don’t love me anymore.”

“I do love you,” he said firmly.

“Not like you used to. You know it because if you loved me still, you wouldn’t have slept with someone else,” she wiped away the tears with the back of her hand. “What hurts the most is that you think of me so stupid as to believe all of the lies you’ve told me. If there’s anyone who knows you better than yourself, it’s me.”

He walked closer to her. He wrapped his arms around her, and she froze. She became sick to her stomach. “I’ve never wanted to get to this point. I didn’t want you to find out this—“. She pushed him away, and then she slapped him. Hard. She didn’t want to hear his sorry excuses why he didn’t tell her.

“Months, Brian. You’ve been cheating on me for months. You’ve had plenty of chances to let me know our marriage wasn’t working. Instead of letting me know, you went around my back! You’re so damn selfish.”

“I wanted to take this slowly. I didn’t want to bomb you with all of it.”

“SURPRISE, BRIAN! I figured it out myself!” she calmed herself down. She was better than this. She was stronger than this, but looking into his eyes and seeing him made this all worse. “Does she make you happy?” she whispered. She walked around him and turned to face him. She didn’t want to be so close.

Brian saw her crystal eyes water again and then saw the tears streak down her face. Goddamn, he never, ever wanted to see her so broken down.

“Does she make you happy?” she repeated. Her voice was so still and calm now that it scared him. He didn’t want to hurt her further with his answer. “Brian,” she pleaded, “I need to know this in order to make my decision. Despite my anger, and hatred towards you right now, I want you to be happy. You’ve been my best friend my entire life. So… answer me.”

Brian closed his eyes and leaned back on the counter. “She does. She makes me happy.” In that moment, he saw all hope she had to save them crushed.

Sophie knew what she had to do then. She wouldn’t fight for him. She clearly lost him the moment he thought about a divorce. She didn’t have the strength now to fight him or fight “Amanda”. All she wanted to do was pick up the pieces of her shattered soul and heart and move on.

“Ok then, Brian. I’ll get my lawyer and we’ll have them meet as soon as possible. I don’t want anything from you,” she removed her watched and placed it on the counter. She removed her shoes as well. Almost everything she was wearing belonged to him.

“What are you doing, Sophie?” he asked with a hurt expression. “Don’t do that.”

“I don’t want anything that came from you. I’m giving everything back,” she reached behind her to get the zipper and pulled it down.

“This is ridiculous.”

She stripped down to her underwear. She had her own clothes upstairs. She removed her wedding and engagement rings.

She threw the rings at him, and he ducked in time before they hit his face. She stood in front of him naked in more ways than one.

“She makes you happy, Brian. I can’t compete with that. You’re not happy with me. You don’t love me. I have nothing to offer you anymore,” her bottom lip trembled and she tried to keep it under control. “Our love is crushed. I really hope she makes you happy, a stranger. Someone you’ve only known for seven months. I hope you find what you didn’t have with me.”

Brian felt like his heart was being ripped apart in two. He didn’t like what she was saying. He thought she would be so angry she would try to take half of everything, but instead she wanted nothing from him.

Down to her panties and bra, she walked out of the kitchen, and she headed upstairs. She couldn’t stay here any longer. She wouldn’t let him leave his own home. It was his because it was under his name. She didn’t want any ties to him. She went to their room. It was filled with their perfumes. She bit back a cry, and then went to the closet. Most of her clothes were bought by him. She was a stay home wife. She took care of him and his house.

She threw her clothes in the suitcase. All of the clothes she came with when she moved in with him seven years ago. She dropped to her knees half way through it. She needed to get this done, but it was breaking her apart. She didn’t think it was possible to feel this much pain without a physical wound. She inhaled deeply, and she hated how it felt as though no air entered her lungs no matter how much she tried.

She let out a scream. She was sure Brian and their neighbors heard. She needed to scream or she would have burst. Somehow, she found the strength to get up again. She found some jeans and a shirt along with sandals. They were hers. She left everything else behind. All of the pretty clothes and jewelry. She left the pictures behind as well. Nothing. Absolutely nothing was taken that he bought or even suggested she’d get. She zipped the suitcase. She turned to leave and found Brian standing in the doorway.

How much more pain could she take? All she wanted to do was crawl under a rock and never come out.

“I’m sorry,” he sounded completely sincere. She even saw his eyes glisten with tears.

“Don’t be sorry. I don’t want that. I just want us to move on from this. I don’t want to hate you, and maybe in time I won’t, but right now I can’t stand to look at you.”

“Where are you going to go?”

The question caught her off guard. She didn’t know. She couldn’t go to any of her friend’s. She couldn’t seek out her family because they were in England. He had been her entire family. Her rock.

“A hotel for now. I’ll come back when you’re not here for whatever else belongs to me,” she lifted her head. “I do hope you’re happy with her. You’re willing to sacrifice years of marriage, and a two decades of friendship for her. She must be something special to end all of that.”

She saw a shadow of doubt for a moment in his eyes. She walked past him with her suitcase in hand.

“You don’t have to leave,” he insisted as he followed her. “I’ll leave. I’ll find a place to stay.”

“No need to find one. You’ll just go back to that cunt of yours,” she spat as she went down the stairs. She opened the door of the front, and the cold air of Huntington Beach washed over her. The smell of the ocean filled her nostrils. It was amazing. She could breathe at the moment.

“Sophie!” he called her out when she was at her car. “We can talk this through.”

“What is there to talk about!?” she shouted. “You want HER! Not ME! If you wanted me, you would be on your knees begging for forgiveness.”

When he didn’t make a move to do that, she pursed her lips. She took out the keys from her pocket, and she got inside of the car. She turned on the car and it roared to life. She stared at him. He looked defeated and so frustrated. She believed him when he said he didn’t mean to hurt her, but he had.

Whatever they had was already gone. There was no turning back now. She backed out of the driveway, and she turned the wheel. She put it in Drive, and then glanced one more time to Brian. This was his last chance. If he came to her, she would listen. She would try to make things work, and maybe she could forgive, but he didn’t. He remained there with clenched fists.

More tears fell down, and now all the pain turned her numb. The pain was almost a high. She needed to find the nearest hotel before she crashed. She drove down the street, and she won’t look back now. She loved him enough to let him go. She was not his happiness, and she would not have a miserable marriage. She wouldn’t go after something she didn’t have. It was better off this way.