To Bleed for Him

"Crushed, painful as it sounds.
Motors tightly wound.
Pull the covers, pull my covers
To uncover lust.

Deadly when she frowns,
Silent in the crowd.
Will she ever, can she ever see?

You've made a mistake, made a mistake.
You did and should've left me dead.
You've made a mistake, made a mistake.
You should've left me dead.

I can hardly stand that you aren't mine.
I can hardly stand that you aren't mine.
I can hardly stand this, try to understand it.
Gave you all I had when you were mine."
- Sugarcult

"I didn't expect you to be on my side," Torryn said softly, her words nearly lost beneath the quiet rustling of Antony's movements in the bathroom. "Thank you. A lot."

Becca plopped on the bed beside her, offering her a half-smile and a shrug. "I still don't like you, like, at all, but I dislike Antony's mother and her backhanded ways a little bit more." Her eyes drifted to the open bathroom door at the sound of a cabinet door slamming shut, and she frowned. "Well, I did dislike her more," she whispered, and after a brief pause, she added, "I can't believe he just killed her like that. I mean, I don't blame him or anything, but it just seemed so…easy for him, ya know?"

Torryn nodded, a soft sigh slipping through her nose. "It seemed so much harder for him to kill his father."

Becca glanced at her, eyebrows raised and her frown still in place. "Do I need to tell you why that was? Or can you figure out the difference yourself?"

"I…I think I get it," Torryn murmured, looking sadly toward the bathroom door, through which the sound of water flowing from the tap now echoed. He was still a little bit alive back then, she answered in her mind. Now he's…

She didn't want to think about it anymore. She never wanted to think about it again.

"Here," Antony said softly, and she jumped, startled at the sudden appearance of a damp white washcloth and a towel in front of her face. She looked up at the boy's face, eerily empty as before, and wondered just how long he'd been there, just how deeply into herself she'd gone. "For your neck and…stuff," he added awkwardly when she didn't immediately take the proffered items, dropping his gaze to the floor at her feet.

"Thank you," she whispered, pulling the washcloth and towel from his fingers and beginning to dab at the side of her neck with the former. She wondered just how bad she looked if he was making an effort to get her cleaned up. She wondered if he even cared. She wondered, she wondered, she wondered…

"No problem," he said, then gazed earnestly into her eyes for a moment, the tips of his fingers just barely brushing her jaw to send a shiver racing down her spine. "I'm…I'm sorry I didn't come in time to stop her." He started to turn, to pull his fingers from her jaw, but she caught his hand gently in hers and brought his gaze back to her.

"It's not your fault," she murmured, the washcloth in her hand forgotten as she stared into his beautiful blue eyes — eyes that she would never not see his mother in but that were undeniably him. "There's…" She hesitated but finally said, "There's more to it than you probably think."

"Oh?" Becca piped up, likely tired of being ignored. "Like what?"

Torryn's gaze flicked to the girl's face but quickly dropped to the floor at Antony's feet, and her fingers slid from his so that he couldn't jerk them away in disgust. "I may have…uh…sort of…traded my blood for a bit of information?" she stammered, only risking a glance toward Antony's face when the words had long left her lips. His expression had become empty, guarded, everything she hated to see in him, and she almost instantly turned her attention back to the floor.

"You mean you let her drink from you willingly?" Becca gasped as if this were the most shocking thing she'd ever heard in her life, as if that whole scene in the kitchen hadn't just happened.

"Well, yeah," Torryn said with a shrug, beginning to dab at her bloodied neck again now that she had no idea what else to do with her hands. "She told me she knew who had tried to kill me, and the only way to get it out of her was to, you know, trade with her."

"And you didn't stop to think that maybe if you told me she knew something," Antony began, his voice tight and bordering on the edge of outright hostile, "I could have gotten it out of her without letting her nearly kill you?"

"She was going to kill me, anyway, Antony," Torryn retorted bitterly, raising her eyes to his in defiance. She wasn't stupid, God damn it. He needed to stop treating her like she was!

"You didn't know that before you let her feed from you!" he roared, ire adding a harsh flame to his eyes.

She lurched to her feet, the forgotten towel falling from her lap as she tossed the blood-stained washcloth aside, and she stepped angrily into his space. "Do you know what vampires do when someone refuses to give them what they want, Antony?" she all but yelled, but he didn't flinch away as she likely would have if someone had been screaming in her face. "They take it!" She opened her mouth to continue, readying her throat for the irate scream that was welling within her, but he dropped his gaze and frowned with such solemnity that she faltered.

"You're really going to stand here and preach to a vampire about how vampires work?" he said softly, and she sighed.

"If that vampire is going to insist that my decisions are stupid," she muttered, dropping back onto the bed with a remarkable lack of grace. "Why does it matter, anyway?" she went on when he didn't say anything, though she soon felt his weight on the bed across from her, and he bent over her, frowning. "I'm fine. She's gone. I'm safer now. I don't see why it's such a big deal."

He shook his head, messy strands of dark brown hair swaying almost hypnotically across his forehead. "If you know vampires so well, do I really need to tell you?"

"So you're possessive of me because you're a vampire, not because you love me?" she said wryly, and his sigh washed over her in a blaze of stale air.

"I'm possessive of you because I love you," he said. "I'm crazy about it because I'm a vampire."

She chuckled, and he finally smiled, the look softening his eyes until finally, finally, she couldn't see his mother in them anymore. "You're gorgeous," she said softly, her fingers rising to trail along his strong jaw line. "Did you know that?"

"I sure do," Becca blurted, and suddenly, her face appeared over Torryn's, nearly eclipsing Antony's. "Now, can we get back to the matter at hand? You guys are alternately making me want to gag and run away in fear of your tempers."

We've been fighting a lot lately, haven't we? Torryn realized with a pang of guilt, eyeing Antony as he sat up and offered Becca a sheepish laugh and a halfhearted "Sorry." She sat up across from him, and he frowned when he noticed the remorseful furrow of her brow. "Are you all right?"

"Yeah," she lied, forcing a smile so weak that his frown didn't ease an inch. "I'm just a little hungry. My lunch was interrupted by someone trying to make me their midday snack, remember?"

Antony nodded in understanding, his frown easing into a more blank expression, becoming the stone mask of a handsome statue. "Ah, yeah. I noticed the sandwich on the floor before we came up. Go ahead and go get yourself something else to eat — preferably outside of the house."

She grimaced at the memory of his mother's ashen body still scattered across the kitchen tile, but she was obligated to say, "Are you sure you want me leaving? Just last night you told me that someone might try to off me if I left the house."

He shrugged, something like a smile breaking through his stony mask. "I think you'll be safe enough in the daylight. Unless an entire pack of Weres decides to pick a fight with you in McDonald's, I doubt anyone will even notice you."

She started to laugh, but the sudden remembrance that never again would they go out to lunch together silenced her. A vision of the boy bathed in sunlight, surrounded by his peers and grinning as he passed through the courtyard at their old high school, flitted through her mind and tore a new hole in her chest. Never could he step in the sunlight again. Never could he eat human food again. Never could he be with his human peers again.

But he's still right in front of you, she told herself, shaking herself and looking toward his worried frown. He still cares for me. I still care for him. What more do we need in life? But the answer lingered in the back of her mind, a harsh note that would never be lost — life. They needed life in order to live.

"Torryn?" he said softly, and a smile sprang to life on her lips, forced though she hoped like hell that it didn't show.

"Thanks for your vote of confidence," she said as she got to her feet, turning to face both Antony and Becca, who watched her boredly from her perch on the edge of the bed. "Are you sure you want me leaving now, though? Shouldn't we be discussing what happened, who else might be in on it, stuff like that?"

He shrugged, his expression returning to stone-wall status. "We all know what happened. Anyone who was involved is likely already dead. I can explore the incident further when everyone returns tonight. There's really nothing else that we can do here. Besides," he went on with a sigh, "I'm tired, and I'm sure Becca is, too. We can talk about this later when everyone's more up for it."

Torryn gave a single nod. "Right," she said. "Of course. You guys get your sleep." She leaned over the bed, placing a quick kiss on Antony's lips. "I'll talk to you tonight when you wake up."

"Be careful," he warned as she started for the door. "Get someone to go with you if you can." He wouldn't admit it, but she knew he meant Skylar.

"Yes, sir," she said laughingly as she tugged the door open and stepped into the hall, already feeling at her throat to make sure she was presentable. "Don't do anything stupid while I'm gone."

"No promises," he called, his voice echoing to her down the hall, and she smiled to herself as she descended the stairs.

She so loved him. She just needed to say it.

-?-

"You just can't get enough of me, can you?" Skylar said in her ear suddenly, and she jumped, whirling around in her seat to see him.

"Jesus, Skylar!" she exclaimed, but he only laughed at her as he sat down in the booth seat across from her fake-wooden chair in the nearly empty lobby.

"Your paranoia is fun sometimes," he teased, and his eyes drifted over the two other groups of customers, each murmuring innocently in their separate corners. "McDonald's, huh?" he remarked dryly. "You couldn't have picked somewhere a bit less…greasy?"

She shrugged, gradually calming down though part of her still wanted to punch him in the face. "Antony mentioned it, and it sounded good. It's not like you're on a diet or anything, right? A bit of fat never hurt anyone." She plucked a fry from her half-full tray and cocked an eyebrow at him as his eyes continued to wander around the restaurant, every hint of cheer gone. "Are you going to go order something, or are you just going to keep looking at everyone like a weirdo?"

His eyes returned to her, and he smiled. "I just had lunch, actually."

"Then why did you agree to come get lunch with me?" she said with a sigh of annoyance, then popped the fry into her mouth. The sharp near-burning sensation of too much salt exploded on her tongue, but she paid no mind.

He shrugged, rubbing his hands together, suddenly giddy as he grinned at her over the table. "You sounded like you really needed someone to talk to, and I generally just like to hang out with you. We dated once, remember?" he teased, as if she could ever forget. "I used to take you out for lunch without getting anything for myself all the time."

"But we're not dating now," she pointed out, shoulders slumping ruefully. "You don't have to come at my beck and call anymore."

His grin didn't fade. "I never did, but I wanted to. I still want to. We are kinda friends, ya know. We should be there for each other."

She sighed, clearly seeing his intent — and it sure as hell wasn't friendship. "Yeah," she said, forcing a small smile. "I suppose you're right."

He nodded. "So…you said something about Antony's mom over the phone?"

"She was the one who tried to have me killed," she answered with a shrug, nibbling at another fry as she let her eyes wander over the brightly lit restaurant. "That's really all there is to it."

His skin suddenly brushed against hers, and she jumped as he gently pushed her hair away from her neck. "And then she tried to kill you again?" he said, frowning even as his fingers left her throat and the strands of hair tickled their way back into place.

"Er, yeah," she admitted, lowering her eyes to the tray before her and beginning to absently rub at the side of her throat where her skin still tingled from his touch. "I…uh…I kind of traded my blood for that bit of information about who tried to kill me, and she tried to finish the job afterward."

"Where is she?" he asked, and the harsh edge to his voice brought her eyes up. He sat glaring across the table at her, rage a terrible flaming backlight to the pale blue of his eyes, and he snarled, "I'll kill her. Just tell me where to go."

"She's already dead, Skylar," she said softly, once again dropping her eyes to the fries scattered across her tray. "You know Antony wouldn't let her live."

"At least he did something right, I guess," the boy muttered bitterly, and she sighed as she watched him cross his arms and begin to pout in the corner of the booth. "Better late than never."

"He was asleep," she said, shoving the tray away from her as the last dregs of her appetite left her. The memory of the woman's body in ashes upon the floor wasn't something she could let go of so easily. "His mother was relatively careful. There was nothing that he could've done." She rested her elbow on the table and put her head in her hand, muttering, "I should've been able to handle her myself, anyway. I'm useless." She would never admit it to Skylar, but she knew the truth — she'd had to be saved by Becca. Becca, of all fucking people. How much more helpless could she get?

He sighed. "You're not useless, Torryn. You know that. You're just not well-equipped to handle vampires, especially vampires as old and experienced as Antony's mom." She watched from behind her hand as his hand moved toward her but stopped short, his fingers falling to rest on the table just inches shy of hers with a little twitch. "Don't be so hard on yourself. That useless boyfriend of yours should've been watching you."

"He's not my Goddamn keeper," she said more harshly than she'd intended, raising her narrowed eyes to his. "I should be able to take care of myself, just like everyone else can."

"You can take care of yourself better than anyone else I know," he said in a tone that was obviously meant to be comforting but that only infuriated her more, as she knew exactly where he was going with this. "You're just not wired to handle vampires like you handle everything else."

If she could've flipped the table then, she would have, but she had to settle with getting to her feet violently enough to send her chair skidding back a few inches. "It's not fair," she all but yelled, jerking her tray from the table and nearly sending the remaining fries sailing to the floor. "It's not fair that I only have half the blood but all the setbacks." She turned and stalked her way across the lobby, dumping her trash more roughly than necessary into the trashcan and dropping the tray on top of it with a clatter. When she spun, she found herself face to face with Skylar, who frowned down at her with such compassion to his gaze that she wasn't sure she could be mad anymore.

"You should move in with me," he said softly, reaching out to take her hand, and she was too overwhelmed by the shock and aggravation whirling through her to pull away. "Get away from those vampires. Let me help you get your life back to normal."

"My life is fine," she said flatly, but he was shaking his head before she'd even finished the sentence.

"You know as well as I do that you have too much potential to be sitting pretty in a vampire's castle." He took her other hand, and she pursed her lips but didn't fight him. Did she really know as well as he did? "You need to be out doing something for yourself — doing some good in the world. If you stay with that wannabe master vampire of yours, you're either going to end up dead or be trapped there for the rest of your life." He pulled her captured hands to his chest and gazed earnestly into her eyes. "Is that really what you want? Do you really want to waste your life that way, doing what a soulless vampire tells you to until he finally lets you die?"

Finally, she jerked her hands from his grasp and glared up at him. "I want to be with Antony. He's not a soulless vampire, he doesn't control me, and he's not my Goddamn keeper." Pushing past him, starting toward the door, she added haughtily, "And I think I know a little better than you do what will be a waste of my life, and being with Antony isn't it." She noticed people staring at her as she shoved the door open, and she wondered just how much they'd heard, just how crazy they thought she and Skylar were now, talking about vampires and dying.

"He's going to get you killed, Torryn!" he snapped, his voice echoing loudly in the small foyer between the set of doors, and she quickly opened the next door and stepped into the dreary gray light that poured from the dark clouds above. "You need to stop and think about this," he said, softer now, as he caught her wrist and pulled her to a stop just short of the blacktop. She whirled on him, about five seconds away from punching him in the face, but he was still regarding her in that sweet, earnest way, and some of her aggression died as she lost herself in the pretty blue of his eyes. "I get it, Torryn," he went on. "I really do. You left me for him, you love him now, he's more important to you than anything else in the world — but he's going to get you killed," he said slowly, intensely, his grip on her hand tightening just a smidgen. "You're strong, baby, but you're not meant to coexist with vampires like that. Your Progeny blood makes you vulnerable, and no matter how hard you fight it, you'll always be overpowered by it." Torryn swallowed hard and dropped her gaze to the concrete between them, hating that he was right even as she realized he was. "He can't always save you," he whispered, running his thumb gently over the back of her hand. "He'll be too late someday."

"And you won't?" she said softly, raising her eyes sadly to his. I'm weak, she finally admitted to herself. I'm weak, and I need people to protect me. Why had she ever fought in the Arena, anyway? Why had she ever tried to prove herself? Why had she ever thought that he, of all people, needed her protection in the Arena?

"I won't need to protect you if you just get yourself away from those vampires." He offered her his best attempt at a smile, his free hand rising to cup her jaw, a gentle warmth dancing across her skin that she hadn't felt in weeks. "Just let me help you. Let me get you to a safer place."

"Why…" She lowered her eyes again, and she hated herself as the warmth of tears sprang to life in her eyes. She didn't deserve this. She didn't deserve anyone's sympathy, especially not his. "Why are you trying to help me?"

"Because I love you, Boo-Boo Kitty Fuck," he said softly, gently raising her chin to force her gaze to his. "You can break my heart a dozen more times, and I'll still come to your rescue."

"I don't deserve it," she whispered.

His grin was goofy as his hand left hers and fell to rest on her hip, his body shifting just an inch closer to hers. The warmth of his body through his clothes was nearly overwhelming, absent as it had been from her life for all this time, all this time spent with the lukewarm skin of a vampire. "Maybe you don't, but I think you do." His breath was warm on her face, smelling of minty mouthwash and feeling so…alive. "Just come back with me. Let me help you."

"Skylar…" she started softly, but the words died away as her eyes found his lips, right there, wet and waiting…

His hand moved from her chin to her neck, sliding across her shoulder and down her bare arm — warm, tantalizing, alive. "I'm not asking you to leave Antony," he murmured. "I'm not asking you to tell me you still love me. I'm just asking you to let me do some good here." Then why was he so close to her, she wondered? Why was he touching her like this? Why was he holding her?

"Skylar…" But his lips were already nearing hers, proving his words a lie, and she allowed her eyes to slip shut, her head to tilt to the side, her whole will to give in to him…

His lips had just barely brushed hers when she jerked away, her eyes snapping open and her body falling back a step in panic. The warmth of his hands left her waist, and he frowned at her in confusion.

"What the hell are you doing?!" she asked in a shriek, and his brow furrowed further.

"I…I thought you…" He shook his head and took a step back, eyes wide in bewilderment. "I'm sorry. I just…"

She threw her hands up, waving them frantically in an attempt to get him to stop talking. She couldn't bring herself to look at him, so it was a nearby shrub that she spoke to when she said, "I think I should go. And I don't think…" She paused, swallowed, then forced herself on. "I don't think we should be seeing so much of each other anymore."

"Right," he said with a single nod, and she watched out of the corner of her eye as his face blanked of expression. "I'm…sorry."

Her heart hammered in her chest as she finally looked up to watch him go, the sinking feelings of guilt and a longing that she could never assuage twining in her gut to leave her feeling nauseated and disgusted with herself. Cheating on the man I cheated on my boyfriend with with the man I cheated on. What kind of girl am I?