My Alter Ego and I

"Calm down, calm down," I repeatedly told myself. I'm going to get through this, and we're going to be together, she and I. There's no denying about it. I shook the negative thought that was about to enter in my mind. I couldn't risk it - this insanity. It's driving me crazy, but I tell myself to calm down. Calm down, calm down, calm down, I thought. My heart beats rapidly; it needs to stop doing that. "Please heart, stop beating too fast," I whispered, looking to tears.

I ground my fist and looked at the floor. I was convincing myself that we'll be together. "Look, you two are special, connected in so many bizarre ways. So I request of you to calm down. Don't do anything rash or stupid. Everything will be fine, in the end. It'll work out soon enough. Have trust, have faith. Believe and don't give up. You're nearly there, I promise. I promise." The last words were like a whisper. This has gotta be false hope! This has got to be. I can't believe it. I want to-

"No, you won't, Puffer. You won't. Not now, when you're nearly there, and I know it." I broke eye contact. I looked away, feeling hurt and flabbergasted by the out coming result. My family's so cruel, they don't understand. All they ever do is to criticize. They probably think that I should be happy right now because I had passed, but no, I'm not. I'm actually suffering by this thinking that if we aren't together, my world would crash down on me. I don't want to be alone. I want to be with her. So I'm doing everything in my power to do what it takes, risking everything, everything in my life.

She's my best friend. Why would I leave her? I just can't do it when everything's falling into pieces. No, I won't. I may be the type of person that gives up easily, but no - when it comes to this kind of stuff, leaving someone, it's not my thing. Unless they leave me first, yes, maybe I'll just turn away and find someone else that's worth having. No, I can't leave her. I won't abandon my best friend. I fucking hate myself for being so incapable, and it hurts.

"My heart, Tom. It hurts," I cried out. There's nothing in this world that could cause me a lot of pain than this. The feeling of guilty and remorse filled inside my very core, as though it should have from the very beginning. I hate this! I didn't do anything wrong. So why am I the only one suffering? Why do I feel like this?

"I don't know, Puffer. Maybe you're in love with her..." is my alter-ego short reply. And ever since, I couldn't calm down.