Fix Me

It was tough work climbing the lattice to Kali’s balcony doors, but Josh was scrawny enough now he had no worries of ripping it off the house in a crash. He pulled himself up and swung his gangly legs over the balcony railing. As quietly as he could, he unlocked her balcony doors and stepped inside her room.
It was just as he remembered it. Everything was relatively neat and attended to, with only a few articles of clothing sitting on the chair in the corner or sticking out from her dresser drawers. Her bed was still positioned in the middle of the room, up against the north wall, opposite her closet. His heart, which was already beating at a rapid pace, came to an almost unpleasant halt for a split second when he saw her sleeping form in the bed.
It was 2 am, and Josh had been unable to sleep yet again. His sudden bout of writers block put a stop to his song writing and he’d lied awake in bed for hours. He gave in around 1 am and shot up, but not before he’d thrown up. The heroin had spoken to him and told to go see Kali. She would be asleep, which would make everything easier. Josh had listened and broken into Kali’s home while she slept peacefully.
He set the couple t-shirts on the floor and carried the chair over by Kali’s bed. He took a seat and watched her for a little while. She was so incredibly beautiful to him. It’d been forever since he’d seen her look this peaceful. He knew it was his fault in the first place, but until he figured out how to fix that, he’d settle for this.
Her long eyelashes created shadows on her cheekbones in the moonlight, and her skin glowed flawlessly. Her lips were still and her hair flowered out around her on the pillows. One of her hands was facing palm-up on the pillow beside her head and the rest of her body was covered by thick sheets. She looked like a doll; a perfect porcelain doll.
Slowly and as softly as a feather, Josh reached out his hand and brushed it along her cheek, pushing a couple strands of her hair away. His ice blue eyes rested on her, drinking in her calm serenity. He kept brushing his hand against her cheek, realizing how much he missed simply touching her like that. It’d been so long since they’d shared a gentle, innocent touch that wasn’t poisoned by anger, hurt, lies and betrayal. Josh savoured the moment and kept it in his heart.
Finally he withdrew his hand and sat back. He breathed in the scents of her home and sighed quietly. He didn’t realize how much he missed this place. All the hours he’d spent in here with Kali, listening to music and talking and laughing. They all seemed so far in the past now. Suddenly everything had changed between them. He looked around her room again as he listened to her relaxed breathing, and his eyes fell on something. Sitting on her bedside table, drowned in moonlight, was a small emerald green leather-bound notebook. Kali’s journal. He looked from Kali to the book and back again before reaching out and grabbing it. He untied the bind and flipped through the pages until he got to the newer entries. He was prepared to read things he didn’t want to know.
I just wish I knew what was happening to him. He’s never around and when he is he’s so distant. I feel like I can’t tell him anything anymore, and he clearly doesn’t want to open up to me one bit. Flip. I want to stop crying. I want to be strong and stand up and say “I’m not going to let this hurt me anymore” but I can’t. He’s my best friend and he means the world to me. It hurts beyond belief to see him slip through my fingers and I don’t even know why… Flip. He looks so skinny and pale. When I see him I immediately think “Maybe he has cancer” but I reject the thought. He can’t possibly have cancer. Josh can’t die, I won’t let him. Flip. This hurts so much. It’s driving me crazy and making me do things I wouldn’t normally do. I hate all these regrets. They torture me. My heart is wearing thin and I’m so exhausted. I want someone to hold me up and protect me, but the thing is, I don’t want just anyone to tell me its okay. I want Josh to tell me that. I want to hear him say it and mean it…because I don’t know how much longer I can take this.
Josh paused, his fingers lingering on that last entry. His thumb brushed over the words she’d written into the page and he read them over and over again. My heart is wearing thin…hold me up and protect me…tell me its okay…Josh…
Suddenly something inside Josh’s head clicked and words started flooding his mind. Her entry had fixed his writer’s block, and he had an idea.
Flipping the pages of Kali’s journal until he was on the last blank sheet of paper, he reached over and picked up her pen. Then, he began to write his own little song for her. A little song to tell her that everything was going to be okay. When your tears are spent on your last pretence and your tired eyes refuse to close and sleep in your defence…when it’s in your spine like you’ve walked for miles and the only thing you want is just to be still for awhile…
This was perfect. It was some of the best work he’d done in months, and it was all for her. Everything was for her now. He had to make this perfect again.
And if your heart wears thin, I will hold you up, and I will hide you when it gets too much; I’ll be right beside you, nobody will break you…
When he had finished writing and he was satisfied with what he’d done, Josh closed her journal back up and set it back exactly where he’d found it. He put her chair and clothes back as well, making sure they looked as they had before. Then, as softly as he could, he walked back to Kali’s sleeping form, leaned down, and kissed her cheek. He’d never done that to her before, and it warmed his body at the touch.
He didn’t know when she’d find his song, or if she’d even piece together who wrote it, but he didn’t care. He had it all in his head along with a plan to make things right.
As quietly as he’d entered, he disappeared again into the early morning darkness.