Fix Me

I’m sitting here and all I can ask myself is, why did I even come? Why am I here at all? This is all going to be someone’s big joke where I’m left sitting in this restaurant by myself all night, eating all the bread sticks and crying. All while the “clever pranksters” stand outside the window drinking beers and laughing at me. That’s how this sort of thing always works out, right? Blind dates are never a good idea. You either get a really unattractive guy, or a really rude guy. Either way you feel like a b*tch for not wanting to be there. I’m not mean enough to just ditch out on someone like that simply because they’re not what I was expecting. But yet here I am, and I’ve put myself in that very position. I’m so stupid sometimes. I don’t even have any motives for why I’m here right now. I just wanted to see who’d sent me this note, and that hardly counts. Curiosity isn’t exactly the same as actually wanting something. This is dumb. I’m dumb.
Kali sighed and tapped her pen against her journal. She’d brought it with her because she knew she was going to be thinking like crazy and she wanted a place to vent while she waited. It calmed her down some, at least.
She looked at the clock that hung in front of her. 7:57 pm. Any time now…maybe…
She hadn’t been waiting very long. She’d ordered one coffee so far and she hadn’t touched it yet. She’d told the waitress that she was possibly expecting someone and the girl had given her an odd, almost knowing smile. It’d sort of freaked Kali out. Either the waitress had seen blind dates a million times before, or she knew something Kali didn’t.
Suddenly the door to the restaurant swung open and someone stepped in carrying a guitar case. The boy looked around for a minute, taking in his surroundings. Then, his ice blue eyes found her and everything stopped moving.
Josh walked towards Kali tentatively, waiting for her to see him. Suddenly he felt like a complete loser. He had his tight black pants on, a black dress shirt and a red tie matched with black Chuck’s. He’d even done his hair nicely and tried to cover up evidence of his addictions with his mom’s makeup. What was he doing here? Why hadn’t he turned on his heel when he saw her and walked back out again? Because I love her, that’s why. And if she was the one to give me that note, there’s no way I’m leaving her.
And then it happened. Her eyes found his and confusion dawned on her face, followed by comprehension and then anxiety. She grabbed her jacket and tried to get off of her seat.
“I should’ve figured it was you,” she sighed.
“What was me?” Josh asked. Nothing made sense anymore. Hadn’t she given him the note?
“The note, Josh. Are you serious? You think taking me out to eat is going to make me trust you again?” She looked at him in disbelief.
“Kali, I don’t know what you’re talking about. I got a note, too. See?” He pulled the crumpled paper from his pocket and handed it to her. She read it and then just stared at it, much like he had done. “I had no idea it was going to be you.”
“Would you not have come if you knew?” she asked quietly. She looked up from the paper and watched him warily.
“I would’ve been here and hour early if I knew.” he answered just as quietly.
Kali handed him back his note and thrust an arm into her jacket. “Well I can’t do this. Not right now, I—”
“Kali, wait, please,” Josh pleaded, holding out a hand to stop her. “I know it’s not what either of us expected, but we’re all dressed up. Let’s not waste it. It’s just one night…please stay.”
She looked into those light blue eyes and they begged for her. She couldn’t help but to cave into his desires. She removed her jacket and took her seat again. “Fine.”
Josh smiled and leaned his guitar case against the window and sat opposite her. He opened a menu and began to browse through his options. Really it was a choice of ‘what do I want to throw up later on?’ but he didn’t need Kali to know that.
“You brought your guitar?” Kali inquired between sips of her coffee. She pointed to his case. “Are you going to perform?”
“I was thinking about it, yeah,” he shrugged. “I don’t know, though. Seems like a pretty tough crowd.”
Kali rolled her eyes dramatically. “Yes, restaurant crowds are just the worst.”
“Well, I was told there are tomatoes here, so.” Josh looked at the kitchen with a wary eye.
“I’ll be sure to throw one at your head.” She smiled. Stop smiling! Don’t you smile at him and his humour, you’re mad at him!
“Ouch. You’re cruel.” He shook his head and continued to browse.
“Payback sucks, doesn’t it?” She raised an eyebrow and faded her smile.
“About that,” Josh turned his eyes on her and everything was serious again. “I wanted to talk to you…again. But, can we wait until later? Let’s just focus on some fun right now.”
Kali nodded, but a chunk of her heart broke off in her chest. She began to dread the end of the night. She really didn’t want to go home in tears again.
Josh smiled lightly at her and held his menu up to his face. He peeked over the top at her and his heart thudded in his chest. F*ck, she is so beautiful. I need to get my sh*t together. I just need to get her, he thought to himself. Kali’s long light brown hair fell in two sleek columns down her shoulders and chest, and she had two braids travelling across both sides of her head to join together in the back. Those long eyelashes of hers brushed her skin and were highlighted by thinly applied black eyeliner. Her lips were red and glossy, begging for some attention. Josh wanted to give her all the attention she deserved, but he couldn’t. Someday, I will.
He tore his gaze away from her and spotted the emerald green leather-bound book on the table. His lips twitched with a curious smile and he pointed at it.
“You brought your journal.” He didn’t need to ask, he knew damn well what it was. He also knew why she’d brought it. She had to vent to something on her ‘date.’
“Oh, yeah,” Kali nodded, “it’s kind of embarrassing and stupid.”
“Why is it embarrassing? It’s just me. I know our relationship has been a bit rocky lately, but that doesn’t mean I suddenly find your journal weird.” Josh chuckled. “I like that you brought it. What did you write?” He teased her by reaching a hand towards it slowly.
Kali reflexively grabbed her journal and pulled it closer to her. “Nothing! One does not simply read another’s journal, Josh.” She smiled at him.
Josh laughed, but not at her. He laughed at the irony of it all. Clearly she hadn’t found his song yet. “No, one does not.” he agreed slyly.
Kali opened up the little notebook and browed through her entries.
“At least read me an excerpt from your date with Trace MacDouche,” Josh pleaded, “I have to hear that one.”
Just then, a short waitress walked over to them and took their orders. Kali said she was fine with coffee and Josh ordered a plate of dry ribs for them to share. He obviously wasn’t going to eat many of them, but he wanted to at least appear the same as he used to be to Kali. He had to hold on to what he had, and at that moment he didn’t have much.
“I’m not going to read you one single thing from my journal,” Kali continued once the waitress had left.
“Why not?” Josh asked. “Is it because it’s mostly about me?” He added a smirk at the end so she’d think he was joking. He knew he was right, though.
“No, it’s just…private thoughts.” she said. She picked at the tablecloth distractedly.
“You always used to tell me your private thoughts,” Josh argued. “I never even had to ask.”
“That was before things got…broken.” She looked at him with blame and hurt in her eyes.
He looked back at her the same way. She carried some of the blame, too. “Well I can fix it, Kali. I know I can.”
“With what, Josh? You have a lot to rebuild again with me. Don’t let this situation fool you. I don’t trust you anymore.”
“But you still want to be friends with me, or you wouldn’t be here right now. That’s all I can ask for at this point.”
Kali sighed and flipped through her journal again. She didn’t feel like discussing that right now. It wasn’t the end of the night yet and something bugged her about Josh’s determination to “fix” things. She didn’t know what it was or why, but she just knew she didn’t like it very much. She flipped through pages until she came to the very last one and caught something out of the corner of her eye that drew her full attention to the page. There was writing on it, and it wasn’t hers.
“Um, I have to go to the bathroom,” she said quickly as she stepped down from her seat, clutching her open journal to her chest. “I’m taking this with me so you don’t nose through it. I’ll be right back.”
“You do that.” Josh smiled as he took a sip of his water. She was a terrible liar and he knew for a fact she’d finally found his song. It gave him the perfect idea.
Kali pushed open the door to the closest stall and locked it behind her. She sat down on the floor and read the words that had been scribbled into her private journal. She wanted to be so p*ssed off that someone had the audacity to invade her privacy and write in it, but try as she might she couldn’t be mad. The words were so beautiful and flowed together like water. It was a song, a ballad; and she felt it was just for her. She noticed words that sounded familiar and remembered them from previous entries. She should be enraged! Someone had read her journal entries! But the words that had once been hers were now transformed into something perfect and flawless. All she could do was read them over and over again. And if your heart wears thin, I will hold you up, and I will hide you when it gets too rough… Her fingers danced over the words as if it’d tell her who wrote them.
Kali then remembered Josh was waiting for her back out at their table. She dog-eared the page and closed her journal, exiting the bathroom in a rush.
When she walked back out into the restaurant, the sound of an acoustic guitar greeted her ears. She slowly walked around the corner and immediately saw Josh on stage with his guitar in his hands as he sat on a stool. He was just beginning to play a song and it already sounded like a good one.
Josh began to sing, and his perfected voice rang beautifully throughout the restaurant. All eyes were on him now.
“When your tears are spent on your last pretence, and your tired eyes refuse to close and sleep in your defence…”
Kali’s eyes went as wide as dinner plates and she stood completely straight. She knew those words. She’d just finished reading them several times in a bathroom stall…
So it’d been Josh who invaded her privacy and wrote her that song. She should’ve known right away it was him. She didn’t know anyone else capable of writing those kinds of masterpieces. Her heart beat fast in her chest and she walked a little closer to the stage, never taking his eyes away from his. Yes, he was watching her and her alone as he sang to her. It was just him and her in that room then; they were all that mattered.
“Trust in me, trust in me, don’t pull away,” Josh sang. His voice soared through the song, hitting each desired note perfectly. It was more beautiful when he sang it than it appeared on paper. Everything he sang was beautiful and in perfect harmony.
“I’ll be right beside you, nobody will break you.” He finished with a flourish on his guitar and smiled bashfully at Kali. The restaurant sounded with applause and she slowly clapped along with them as Josh descended from the stage. He walked up to her and waited for her to speak. She was either going to love him or slap him again. He was prepared for both.
“So it was you,” she whispered finally.
“Yeah. Are you mad?” he asked. He winced slightly as he waited for her response.
“I really want to be, but…it was just so…beautiful.” admitted Kali.
“So, you liked it?” His heart threw itself pathetically against his rib cage.
Kali smiled slowly and nodded. “Yes, I liked it.”
An older woman came up to them and put her hand on Kali’s shoulder. She pretended to whisper but it was clear she wished to be heard by Josh. “You have to kiss him after that, dear. He just performed an extremely romantic song just for you.” She patted Kali twice and winked before shuffling back to her table. Both Kali and Josh blushed deeply and avoided eye contact.
To make things less awkward, Josh spoke up, “I wasn’t trying to be…‘romantic.’ You don’t have to kiss me, obviously. But a thank you would be nice.” Of course he was lying through his teeth. He was trying to be romantic, and he did want Kali to kiss him for it. He knew that was virtually impossible though, so he needed to protect his true feelings at any cost.
Kali smiled and wrapped her arms around Josh’s waist, burying her face into his chest. “Thank you.” she said gratefully.
Josh blushed again and hugged her back, guitar and all. “You’re welcome. I’m just happy you liked it and you’re not mad.”
“I guess I’m just in a good mood,” she shrugged, pulling away from him. She could easily feel Josh’s ribs, but she was afraid to say anything to him. “But again, don’t let it confuse you—”
“I know, you don’t trust me.” he sighed.
She nodded and walked back to the table with him. His song, although beautiful, had made things even harder for her now. Now she knew whenever she really needed to be mad at him she’d think back to this and render the task impossible. Why is everything so complicated and unfair?

“Thanks for driving me home,” Kali smiled up at Josh as the two stood outside the front door to her house. He looked less different under the porch light, more like he used to. His black and blue hair shone gold around the edges.
“Thanks for not ditching out on me.” He smiled back but it faded. “I suppose you want to talk about…”
Kali sighed and shook her head. “No,” she said, “I’m tired. Plus, I can’t get upset with you after what you did tonight. But you knew that would happen, didn’t you?”
Josh laughed softly and shuffled his feet. “No, I didn’t. But I’m glad it had this affect on you.”
“Me too, actually,” Kali nodded and reached up on her tiptoes. She put a hand on Josh’s chest to balance herself and softly kissed his cheek. She leaned back and whispered, “Just remember, I still can’t trust you.” With a final goodnight, she disappeared behind her door and Josh heard it lock.
He stood there for a little longer. His cheek tingled where her lips had touched, and he lightly brushed the spot with his fingers. When he could finally move, he walked over to stand on the lawn, looking up at her balcony. He wanted so badly to climb that lattice once more and walk into her room with her awake this time, just to kiss her on the lips and make her his. He wanted to prove she could trust that he wouldn’t hurt her again. However, when her curtains were pulled over her windows and the light flicked off, he backed away. She wasn’t expecting him to come to her and he didn’t want to push anything. Speaking of pushing things, he thought, I could go for a needle right now.
Josh drove home, replaying Kali’s kiss over and over again in his head. It’d only been a cheek kiss, and despite how badly he wanted more, she’d never done that before. More would come in time, he knew it. Until then, that cheek kiss was all he had.
Josh stepped out of his car and walked towards his blackened house, ready to spend his night high and alone. But as he was walking up to the door, he saw something out of the corner of his eye. People were sitting on his mother’s car, and they were all smoking or shooting up heroin. Josh’s mouth fell open and he dropped his keys at his feet.
“Ramsay!” Xavier exclaimed loudly. “Where you been? We brought the party to you tonight, you crazy b*tch.”