Fix Me

Josh was stretched out on top of his covers on his bed. He was fully dressed and smoking a cigarette, careful to always blow the grey smoke towards the open window. His parents were going to be gone all day, and he’d taken the opportunity to skip school. It’d been destroying him lately and he just needed a break. Plus, he had an extreme amount of things to think about. He needed some free time.
Memories from the past few days rolled around in his head in an endless cycle. His ‘date’ with Kali, Xavier threatening Kali, heroin, puking, razors, repeat. He had to dissect it all and thoroughly think about things, because if he didn’t fix it just right, someone was going to get hurt again. Josh was damned if he was going to let anything happen to Kali, and he could care less about anyone else.
Josh’s time with Kali at The Boathouse had been amazing to him. It felt like old times again, the way they had joked around with one another. Only this time there were things under the surface, and those are what picked his brain the most. Sure, Kali had made it painfully clear that she didn’t have any trust for him, and Josh couldn’t blame her for that one bit. He had been lying to her, more so than she knew. And he continued to lie to her everyday. There wasn’t only that aspect of the date, but also the possibility of a romantic undertone that had enveloped the whole thing. Maybe it was just because it’d been set up like a date in the first place, but the whole night Josh had felt something totally different in Kali’s gaze when it landed on him. There was a smouldering yet innocent twinkle there that he couldn’t ignore. Plus, she had kissed him on the cheek at the end of the night. That couldn’t have just been for no reason at all. Kali didn’t just show affection like that, not in that way. So what did it mean? What did any of it mean?
All Josh knew was that now he needed to protect Kali from everything he’d created. Xavier had threatened Kali’s life to get at Josh, and he had a feeling it wasn’t just a scary joke. Josh would risk it all to keep his secret life away from Kali at any cost now. He couldn’t have her caught up in this, not now. The last thing he wanted was for her to find out everything he’d been keeping from her, plus getting beaten up by the same people who’d trapped Josh. He would never forgive himself if one drop of Kali’s blood was spilled because of him. She’d already been hurt so much and she didn’t even know anything yet. Every tear she’d shed in the past couple months had been because of him. All her pain and confusion was on him, and he knew that. He could take the extra guilt and pain, he had heroin to numb it.
Josh licked his lips as he thought of all his new methods to stopping the pain. His arms were still dotted with scars and holes and he’d long since given up trying to hide them. Kali had seen them, so what was the point anymore? He had to open his skin up to get the bad things out sometimes. Josh hadn’t stopped throwing up his food, either. He’d dropped a lot of weight and none of his clothes fit him right anymore. He had his parents stumped as to how he’d lost so much weight so fast. They simply dismissed it as a teenage thing, but he noticed he’d been getting more and more food put on his plate at meal times as of late. They were worried, and Josh was fine with that. Let them worry; I’m not wasting away for them.
Josh’s mind floated to heroin and he dug his nails into his palm. His supply was depleting and he had a feeling Xavier wasn’t going to give him anymore. But he couldn’t worry about that now. He had other things on his mind.
Xavier’s words floated through his head, the ones about everything being like a roller coaster lately. It was true, Josh couldn’t deny that. Just as he thought things were going to go back to normal, he’d screw it up by showing off his scars or not being the better man. Then Kali would slip through his fingers once more, right when he was just about to grasp her again. Josh felt the incessant need to fix everything once he’d screwed up, because things had been so great when they were okay. But when they weren’t, it messed with his high and he couldn’t stand it. So he’d work hard to fix it and ruin it again. The whole thing was like a small child building a tower out of blocks, only to smash it and rebuild again. Only it was Josh’s conscience that made him want to fix everything, not a sense of entertainment or boredom. And ultimately it’d be Josh’s conscience that would land Kali in trouble. It’d be his annoying desire to constantly have things be okay again when they were beyond saving in the first place. When he let that needle pierce his vein the first time, he’d wrecked everything along with it. He had lost Kali and everyone he cared about and he couldn’t get them back now.
Josh put out his cigarette in his makeshift ashtray and sat up in his bed. No, he thought, I’m not going to let things be that way. I’m going to quit what I’ve been doing and I’m going to tell Kali everything. I’m going to tell her how I feel about her and then I’m going to make myself into a man deserving of her. It wouldn’t be easy. One didn’t just quit heroin, cutting, smoking and being bulimic in one night. It could take months for that to finally go away. But he’d do it all with her by his side. With Kali as his rock, he could get through anything. She was all he ever needed; she made everything right again when he was with her…

Matt was pacing back and forth in front of Mike and Ian, who were as confused as they’d ever been. Matt had randomly pulled them aside into the band room to tell them some big secret he couldn’t keep locked up anymore. Their first instinct had been that he was secretly gay, but they ruled it out almost immediately. Matt had his fair share of fun with the girls; it wouldn’t make sense for him to be gay.
“Are you going to spit it out before or after you’ve worn a groove in the floor?” Mike asked with a raised eyebrow.
Matt stopped pacing for a second and looked at them, seriously contemplating what he was about to say. His secret knowledge had been bugging him for days, and he had to confide in someone before he burst. I have to tell them, he pushed himself; they’re Josh’s friends too.
With a deep breath in, he began. “I have to tell you guys something…something I saw…”
Mike and Ian shared an uneasy glance.
Matt told them everything he’d seen when he’d walked into the school that day and caught Josh with Xavier Rowan. He told them what he had inferred from the situation and how he hadn’t been able to tell Kali, despite how he wanted to.
When he was finished, neither Mike nor Ian spoke at first. They both simply stared, taking in the information they’d just received. Neither of them wanted to believe it but all signs pointed to the truth. There wasn’t much they could deny or use in Josh’s defence.
“So…Josh is a drug addict?” Ian asked softly after the longest time. The words felt weird on his tongue and sounded incomprehensible to his ears.
“I don’t know…he’s doing drugs, anyway. Who can say if he’s addicted or not?” Matt shrugged hopelessly.
“If he’s willing to make trades with Xavier on school grounds I think it’s safe to assume he’s addicted…but to what exactly?” Mike whispered.
“Heroin,” Matt swallowed hard, “it has to be.”
None of the boys wanted to speak after that. They all just sat there in a stunned silence, trying to figure out where to go from there. Little did they know, they’d already said more than enough.
Trace MacDonald lingered for a second longer outside the band room door that had been left ajar. He’d heard quite a deal of information coming from behind that door, and he knew exactly what he was going to do with it all when he got the chance.