Fix Me

The rain beat down on the glass panels of the study room in a rhythmic fashion. The drops of moisture ran down the windows in rivulets, blurring the outside world. Chelsea and Kali sat at a table inside the glass room, designing posters for an upcoming bake sale fundraiser. It’d been silent for awhile, the only continuous sound being the rain.
Finally, Chelsea spoke up, “So, are you going to tell me?” She peered at Kali with a raised eyebrow.
“Hm, tell you what?” Kali murmured, entirely focused on colouring in a cupcake.
“About your date with Josh…?” A slow smile crept onto Chelsea’s features as she watched the understanding drown Kali’s face.
“I knew it was you!” Kali exclaimed, lightly smacking Chelsea’s arm.
“Hey, Alice helped!” Chelsea protested with a chuckle. “Besides, you can only get mad at me if you had a terrible time, and I don’t think you did.”
“You don’t know that.”
“Fine, then tell me you had a terrible time.”
Kali sighed and smiled a little. “My date with Josh was…fun,” she admitted. “It finally felt like things had gone back to how they used to be.”
“Well, spill it! I want all the details. Don’t you dare leave one single thing out.” Chelsea set down her markers and folded her hands together, focusing all her attention on Kali.
So, Kali told Chelsea everything she wanted to, included Josh’s song he’d written in her journal and performed for her. It felt good to divulge that information to someone. Kali smiled the whole time and laughed at the sillier things. It was just regular old girl talk, and she liked it.
“Wait,” Chelsea said quietly when Kali had finished, “he wrote a song in your diary and sang it to you? That’s so romantic…”
Kali laughed. “I guess, but mine and Josh’s relationship is anything but romantic.”
Chelsea grinned wickedly. “You want it to be romantic though, don’t you?”
Kali raised her eyebrow at her friend. “What? Why would I ever want that?”
“C’mon, Kali,” Chelsea scoffed, “clearly he wants it.”
“You don’t know that.” Kali shook her head and went back to her artwork.
“No, you don’t know that, apparently.”
Kali froze, staring at the marker cupcake. What if Chelsea had a point? Most guys that were strictly just friends with a girl wouldn’t do that for them. In fact, now that Kali thought about it, they wouldn’t do half the things Josh does for her. Plus, there was that time he called her beautiful…that felt like forever ago. But what did it mean?
“And, you know what else I think?” Chelsea said, interrupting Kali’s train of thought. “I think you like him, too, deep down somewhere.”
At that point, Kali was speechless. Puzzle pieces were starting to fit together, and it was scaring her and exhilarating her at the same time. All this time and I’ve never noticed it before, she thought.
Chelsea looked at Kali through her eyelashes and saw she had her thinking face on. A few more hits and she’d be able to break through the wall surrounding Kali’s head. “You have to admit,” she pushed, “little Joshua Ramsay filled out quite nicely over the years. He’s a bit lanky, but you like that. Plus, he has the voice of an angel. And that tongue piercing! Mmm!”
Kali chuckled, images of Josh filling her brain. She remembered when he was nothing more than an awkward kid starting junior high and going through a wicked growth spurt. She could remember when she used to be taller than Josh by a couple precious inches, and then seemingly overnight he was towering over her. He’d look deep into her eyes as if he was seeing her soul, those ice blue eyes sparkling with interest and appreciation…
“Hello! Earth to Kali Cooper!” Chelsea waved a hand in front of Kali’s face and gasped. “You do like him, don’t you!”
“Huh? What? No, no, I—” Kali sputtered.
“Oh, you do,” Chelsea smirked, her excitement building rapidly. “I know you do.”
“Oh? How?” Kali would deny whatever Chelsea said, even if it may or may not be true…
“Well, for starters, you’re off in space, clearly thinking of him and coming to terms with the feelings you have…you’re welcome, by the way,” Chelsea began matter-of-factly. “Secondly, if you don’t like him, why didn’t you say you were hanging out with him instead of calling it a date like you did?”
Kali tripped over her words. Had she called it a date? How bad was it that she hadn’t even noticed?
Finally, Kali sighed and stacked her finished posters into a neat pile. “Let’s say you’re right, figuratively of course,” she said, “what do you expect me to do about it?”
“Um, go make out with him, duh,” Chelsea rolled her eyes.
“Seriously, Chels,” Kali laughed.
“I think you need to meet with him and figure out where he stands; even though I’m 100% sure he loves you. And when you realize he does, then you make out with him.” Chelsea winked.
Kali nodded slowly, thinking it over in her head. Kissing Josh was something she’d never thought about before. Was he any good at it? Shut up, Kali! It’s Josh! She yelled internally at herself.
“So you think I should…?” Kali sighed as she looked at her friend hopelessly.
“If you don’t text him, I will.” Chelsea replied seriously. Kali knew all too well Chelsea would text Josh, she already did it once to Matt.
Kali chewed her bottom lip a bit while she thought about it. She had been friends with Josh for awfully long time, and if the things Chelsea said were true, then Josh liked Kali. Maybe Kali owed it to herself to give it a shot. She needed to know if she really had any feelings for him…

Josh’s mind was set. He was going to go tell Kali to meet him somewhere, and from there he was going to confess everything and hope for the best. He hoped she wouldn’t hate him after, but if she did, he’d win her back somehow.
He was trying his best to look nice. He had grey jeans on and a white shirt with a loose black tie around his neck. In case I feel like hanging myself afterwards, Josh had thought when he’d decided on the tie. He carefully styled his hair—which was getting fairly long. The blue in it was starting to fade, too. He made a mental note to get it fixed.
When he was finished, he sat down on his bed and bounced his legs. Nervousness was beginning to set in. There was a high chance things wouldn’t go the way Josh hoped they would, but he couldn’t think about that. Regardless of her reaction, it’d be a weight off his shoulders to tell her everything himself, and he knew that.
Josh looked to his right and saw his bag where he kept his stash. He tensed up and stared hard at it. The devil on his shoulder was telling him that one hit beforehand wouldn’t hurt; he hadn’t told Kali yet, it wouldn’t count as breaking his vow to quit. The angel was telling him it would count, and going to see Kali for something this important while high was a bad idea. No good would come of it. Josh frowned and picked up his bag to look at it for another moment. The needles clinked together when he picked it up and he groaned before sliding it under his bed as far as it would go. I have to quit, he told himself, I have to. Kali would never fall for a drug addict…never…
He sighed and pushed his temptation away before reaching for his cell phone. He had 1 new message, so he decided to check it before he texted Kali.
To his surprise, Kali had beaten him to the punch. The message was from her and it read, Meet me at Vanier Park ASAP…I want to talk to you…:) Josh stared at it for a moment or two. What could she want to talk to him about? She’d added a smiley face, so it couldn’t be something negative…could it?
Quickly, Josh sent his reply, Sounds perfect, be right there, grabbed his jacket and shoes and walked out his front door.
Josh wandered around the park for only a minute or two before he found her. She was sitting on the ground in front of a small pond. Her knees were brought up to her chest and she hadn’t noticed him yet. He began to walk towards her when he noticed someone else was walking up to her as well. Quickly, Josh hid behind a thick tree. No, it can’t be…what the hell is he doing here?!
Trace MacDonald was walking up to Kali with his usual cocky stride. He had a mischievous smile on his face. Before Josh could step in, Trace sat down beside Kali.
“What are you doing out here all by your lonesome?” he asked.
Kali jumped a little at his sudden appearance and frowned. “I’m waiting for someone.”
“Who? Is it Josh?” Trace inquired.
“Maybe, why does it matter to you?”
Trace laughed. “I’ve heard some interesting stories about that kid…”
“Whatever you heard is likely not true, and either way it’s none of your business.” Kali snapped.
“Well, Kali,” Trace smirked triumphantly, “it concerns drugs, therefore it’s necessary for me to make it my business.”
Josh froze behind the tree. Everything fell down around him and he stared at Kali in disbelief. His heart sank to the ground and he couldn’t move. No, he thought, not like this…
“What are you talking about…?” Kali asked quietly after being silent for a very long time. Josh doesn’t do drugs, he would never…
“You don’t know?” Trace asked incredulously. He laughed. “God, and he’s a liar, too.”
“Shut up, Trace,” Kali growled. “What are you talking about?”
Trace chuckled some more before replying. He was enjoying this way too much. The confused look on Kali’s made it much better, too. “I’m talking about your little Joshy having a heroin addiction.”
Kali fell silent and all she could do was stare at Trace in shock and disbelief. Her ears wanted so badly to reject what she’d just heard.
Josh didn’t know what to do. He wanted to murder Trace, he was so angry, but he couldn’t risk seeing Kali’s face. This wasn’t supposed to happen this way. Everything was completely and utterly ruined.
“That’s not true,” Kali finally choked out, “Josh would never do that. He’s not stupid.”
“Apparently, he is,” Trace shrugged. “I heard it from Matt Webb, and I take it he’s a pretty reliable source.”
Josh’s mind started racing again. How the f*ck had Matt found out? He remembered the look Matt had given him the other day when Josh had been going outside to shoot up. If he hadn’t been so desperate for the high, it would’ve clicked. But how did he find out in the first place?
Kali’s heart sunk. This couldn’t be happening. “M-Matt?” she repeated in a much smaller voice. “I don’t understand…”
“Oh, come on, Kali,” Trace exclaimed. “What did you think was wrong with the kid? Stop living in your fantasy world. It all makes sense, doesn’t it?”
With a feeling like she’d been punched in the gut, Kali realized Trace was right, it did make sense. Josh’s faded, tired, red eyes, his sunken, pale, waxy complexion, his sudden mood swings, his arms. She didn’t want to believe it, but there was more evidence supporting it than there was denying it. Her hands began to tremble and it wasn’t from the chilly breeze.
“How…? Why…?” she stammered. Tears were working their way up her throat.
“I don’t know, but maybe it could serve as a lesson to you,” Trace leaned in closer to her and whispered, “learn to pick the better man.” With that, he stood up and walked away.
Kali didn’t watch him go, but returned her wide eyes to the grey pond. She was trying so hard to process everything she’d just heard and keep her heart from breaking in two at the same time. Josh’s own mind was reeling. Kali had just found out his secret, the one he’d wanted to tell her himself. But he’d come too late and someone had beat him to it. Now she was sitting there, fighting back tears and not wanting to believe what she’d just been told. Part of Josh wanted to run to her and explain before she could hate him all over again, but he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t look at her face because he knew once he saw the hurt and disbelief that resided on her features; he wouldn’t know what to say. How could he possibly make things perfect again now? His stomach churned sickeningly and he ran. He ran away from Kali, away from his mistake, away from the mess he’d made. He realized that Matt had been right all along, Josh was a coward. But he was a coward who hurt people, and he’d been the problem all along. He’d been his own obstacle. Xavier was right also, Josh had been the one to hurt Kali. It was always Josh…
Kali picked up her things and began to run. The grey clouds darkened over her head and spit out rain again but she paid them no attention. She ran all the way to Matt’s house. She needed to learn the truth behind all of this, and she needed to start with him.
She pounded on Matt’s front door, trying to keep herself from hyperventilating. Her chest ached from the pain that was trying to tear her to pieces but she pushed it away still. It hurt even more.
Matt answered the door in sweatpants and a t-shirt. He gave her a surprised, confused look and smiled at her. “Kali?” he asked. “What are you doing here?”
Kali wrapped her arms tightly around her midsection. “Is Josh addicted to heroin?” she asked bluntly. The words tasted wrong on her tongue. “Josh” and “heroin” should never be used in the same sentence. They didn’t belong…
“W-what?” Matt stammered. He was taken aback by her sudden query.
“You heard me.”
“How did you find out?” If Mike or Ian had told her, they were in huge trouble.
“Trace MacDonald.” she responded.
“Trace? How did he find out?”
“From you.”
“But I never—”
“What do you know, Matt?” Kali demanded. Her voice cracked under the pressure of her tears but she let her eyes pierce Matt’s sharply to make up for it.
Matt’s face darkened. She demanded an answer and he had to give it to her. “I saw him with that Xavier Rowan guy behind the school. He was trading something for money…it definitely wasn’t jewellery…”
Kali’s tears spilled over and she gave a loud sob that caused her to tremble. “Oh, god…”
Matt stepped out towards her and brought her into his arms. She was shaking against his warm body and the moisture from the rain saturated his shirt. But still he held her, rubbing her back softly and murmuring into her ear. “Kali, shh. Do you want to come inside?”
Kali shook her head against his chest and pulled out of his hold. “No, I need to know for sure what’s going on…” she said weakly.
“Okay…” Matt’s arms hung limp at his sides as he watched her helplessly. She left and began running in the direction of Josh’s house. Rain trickled down his face, but he didn’t care. He was too busy feeling awful for what he’d done.

Josh barrelled through the front door of his house and kicked off his shoes. His parents were calling his name, but he ignored them and ran downstairs instead. He locked himself in his room and began to pace back and forth in front of his bed. His breath was coming out loud and raspy, his heart was pounding in his chest and his mind was racing furiously. That asshole! Josh cursed internally. He ruined everything when I was about to make it right!
In a fit of rage, he swiped his arm quickly across his desk, sending everything flying into the wall and onto the floor. Picture frames broke and lay in shatters on his floor. A million pages of lyrics floated to the ground around him and he continued to rip down posters and pictures from his walls. None of it mattered anymore, he wouldn’t need them all again.
Suddenly he heard the doorbell ring and his heart stopped. Without giving it a second thought, he raced up the stairs to see his mom heading for the door as well.
“Who’d be visiting in the middle of a downpour?” she asked curiously.
Josh ran to the door and guarded it with his body. “I got it, Mom. I think it’s for me.”
Corlynn stared at her son mysteriously for a moment before shrugging and returning to the living room.
Shaking, Josh slowly turned the doorknob and pulled the heavy door inwards. He wasn’t surprised to see Kali standing on his front step, soaked to the bone. She had streaks of makeup running down her cheeks from her eyes, which were red. Clearly she’d been crying, and still was.
Josh carefully stepped outside into the rain, closing the door behind him. He looked at her warily, sensing the emotions coming off of her. “Kali…” he said softly.
“Is it true?” she asked in a choked voice. “Have you been lying to me this whole time?”
“Kali, I swear…just let me explain…” he begged. He took a step towards her and she backed away, shaking her head in disbelief.
“Oh my god, it is true.” she whispered. Her body shook and she sobbed.
“Kali, no, please just let me explain—”
“How could you do that to yourself?” she yelled.
“To make myself better.” he replied quietly.
“That makes no sense, Josh!” Her words were drenched in tears. “How could you? How long has this been going on and you haven’t told me? Have you told anyone?”
“Kali, please,” he said. He was trying his best not to lose control, but his own body was beginning to shake. “I wasn’t planning on getting addicted; I just wanted to fix myself. I f*cked everything up, I know that. I just wanted to be better than who I was…I ruined everything. I was dealing with a lot and I just…screwed up. But, I’m going to make it right again, I promise—”
Kali backed even farther away from him. “You can’t come back from this, Josh. This is too awful. You need help.”
Josh sobbed, cracking under all the weight he felt. “Kali, please don’t…”
“I was ready to be your friend again and to look past whatever was wrong with you. But now that I know what it was…I don’t want anything to do with you.” She shook her head at him, tightening her grip on her midsection. Her heart lay in ruins in her chest. To think we could be something more than friends… she thought.
“Kali, no…please don’t do this…don’t you walk away from me…” Josh pleaded, stepping closer to her.
“I don’t even know who you are anymore.” she said defiantly before turning and walking away from him.
Josh ran to the end of the front walk, staring at her retreating form. He screamed out her name, but he could barely hear himself. She disappeared in the curtain of rain but still he stood there, screaming out for her. He ran after her a ways until he couldn’t see her at all anymore. He was completely soaked, but that was the least of his worries. Josh didn’t want to admit it, but he knew that was it. That was the last time he’d see her walking away from him, because this time she wasn’t ever coming back.